Vegasspider
Bluelighter
I used to be super driven and the boss of bouncing back. I had a heart attack Jan 2020 with open heart surgery, I have been struggling since. They tell me its because when they stop your heart during surgery (safely of course or I would not be posting this) "some people's" brain activity changes. I have been in a state of depression since. I survive but have recently telling myself how hard this and how much it sucks. I have a great support system but man its the toughest thing I have ever been through. I am not motivated at all. My since of pride is gone, I really want it back it drives me. I am an older guy with a long successful business career that I have lost to this depression. Up until this torture managed life's normal hurdles never been depressed.
Started Bupropion three months ago and thought I felt a difference but then I slipped/jumped into a super depressive state last month so they upped me to 150mg about a week ago. I would say after three months I have gone down not up. I don't know if it could be a result of hydrocodone shortage, have not been able to get a refill in two months. (My typical dose is 10-325 X 4) But I have been in this state of mind for 3 years with an intensification over the last few months. They are substituting with Tramadol 50mg X 4 which does nothing for me. I make my own hydro with it by taking two Tylenol when I take the Tramadol, short term but hoping to get my hydro back on next visit. I take Ambient to sleep and always run out ahead of time because all I want to do is sleep. I am self sabotaging and have a real hard time doing my work as I don't want to know the results of anything negative.
I would not say I have irrational thoughts just my brain screaming out how hard this is. Never any thought of hurting myself, if anything I wan't to be a provider for my family again and the thought of leaving them in this state of chaos scares the shit out of me. In fact fear is all I feel.
I do have pain management I suffer from Rheumatoid arthritis. Since January 2020 I had the 5 way bypass open heart surgery. A removal of scar tissue surgery from my chest where they opened it. I had a complete shoulder replacement March 21 and was lucky enough to fall and have a total knee replacement and reconstruction to the region. I have had 4 follow up surgeries to that. It by far is the most pain and debilitating that I have ever had. I don't drink heavy in fact my desire for a good beer or wine is no longer a thing. I don't take any rec drugs etc. Like I said I am an older guy so some of the "I don't the things I used to do" apply to me. I am terrified of even thinking about street or rec drugs with my heart condition and fentanyl.
Anyhow hoping this routine of meds kick in as some point, I really really need it to.
Started Bupropion three months ago and thought I felt a difference but then I slipped/jumped into a super depressive state last month so they upped me to 150mg about a week ago. I would say after three months I have gone down not up. I don't know if it could be a result of hydrocodone shortage, have not been able to get a refill in two months. (My typical dose is 10-325 X 4) But I have been in this state of mind for 3 years with an intensification over the last few months. They are substituting with Tramadol 50mg X 4 which does nothing for me. I make my own hydro with it by taking two Tylenol when I take the Tramadol, short term but hoping to get my hydro back on next visit. I take Ambient to sleep and always run out ahead of time because all I want to do is sleep. I am self sabotaging and have a real hard time doing my work as I don't want to know the results of anything negative.
I would not say I have irrational thoughts just my brain screaming out how hard this is. Never any thought of hurting myself, if anything I wan't to be a provider for my family again and the thought of leaving them in this state of chaos scares the shit out of me. In fact fear is all I feel.
I do have pain management I suffer from Rheumatoid arthritis. Since January 2020 I had the 5 way bypass open heart surgery. A removal of scar tissue surgery from my chest where they opened it. I had a complete shoulder replacement March 21 and was lucky enough to fall and have a total knee replacement and reconstruction to the region. I have had 4 follow up surgeries to that. It by far is the most pain and debilitating that I have ever had. I don't drink heavy in fact my desire for a good beer or wine is no longer a thing. I don't take any rec drugs etc. Like I said I am an older guy so some of the "I don't the things I used to do" apply to me. I am terrified of even thinking about street or rec drugs with my heart condition and fentanyl.
Anyhow hoping this routine of meds kick in as some point, I really really need it to.