queenscarlet88
Bluelighter
I posted five or six months ago about being sapped by stimulants. Since then, the opposite has become true: I've been broken by benzos.
I don't smoke weed anymore. I limit myself to (comparatively) small amounts of caffeine and don't consume amphetamines or other "harder" stimulants. I can't handle any of the aforementioned drugs anymore, because they make me feel schizophrenic, and exact days of irritable fogginess as the price for a couple of hours (or less) of mental clarity.
I got my doctor to prescribe benzos shortly after the new year began because I wasn't averaging more than about five hours a night of sleep. I limited myself to .25 or .5mg of Xanax a day at first, but all of a sudden I had run through 30 .25mg tablets in 30 days. So I began buying Valium, Klonopin, and Ativan off the street, along with Ambien. In addition to getting these drugs prescribed, though only sparingly.
I've spent 3-4 weeks (not consecutively) out of these past four months completely sober, most recently the past week. I don't remember anything clearly aside from this sober time, so I can't offer many details about my frequency or dosage of tranquilizer intake. At my worst, I've binged on 50mg of diazepam, or 40mg of zolpidem (along with other downers, and some uppers). An average day's intake would probably be 10 or 15 mg of Valium, or its equivalent in other benzos.
I took my final 20mg of Valium Saturday two weeks ago. This final dose kept me tranquilized for two days afterward. Then I didn't sleep for the week following. I stayed strong, aside from slipping up and drinking a bunch of alcohol and popping a tramadol Saturday a week ago.
Since this past Tuesday, I've been sleeping -- and dreaming! -- about seven hours a night. I'm walking and running many miles a day. I'm able to read, and be absorbed by what I'm reading, and retain what I've read. What a relief it is to be sober!
However, two problems continue to vex me:
One is physical. I find myself periodically, often out of nowhere, gasping for breath as my heart beats irregularly. This began after an acid trip about a month ago which filled my chest with a hideous constricting feeling and caused the bloodflow in the palms of my hands and soles of my feet to feel pinched. Physical activity does not seem to exacerbate these feelings.
It's worth noting that even back in 2009 and '10 I saw three different cardiologists because I was so paranoid about damage to my heart. None of them found any damage. But that doesn't mean I haven't dealt serious damage to myself in the interim -- considering the massive quantities of drugs I've consumed! Anyway, considering my history of appearing as a hypochondriac, and that I'm probably still in the grip of benzo withdrawal (not to mention the psychological difficulty of trying to eschew drugs entirely), I've so far resisted seeing a doctor about these physical symptoms.
I fear poor circulation. Are these symptoms worth consulting a doctor?
The second is mental. "Cognitive impairment" is the perfect descriptor. I have a very hard time conducting rigorous academic research. Even reading a novel, as I said earlier, has become possible again, but it is much, much more challenging than it used to be. How long until the fog which has thickened my head dispels, and I am able to immerse myself into intellectual work as effortlessly as I used to be able to?
Regardless of the answer, I will not succumb again to temptation. I'm 20 years old. My face has aged prematurely. I have no choice but to quit drugs (particularly uppers and downers), because the only other option is for things to get worse and worse. At best, I've treaded water in the five months since posting "Sapped by Stimulants." I don't want to be merely treading water five months hence.
I don't smoke weed anymore. I limit myself to (comparatively) small amounts of caffeine and don't consume amphetamines or other "harder" stimulants. I can't handle any of the aforementioned drugs anymore, because they make me feel schizophrenic, and exact days of irritable fogginess as the price for a couple of hours (or less) of mental clarity.
I got my doctor to prescribe benzos shortly after the new year began because I wasn't averaging more than about five hours a night of sleep. I limited myself to .25 or .5mg of Xanax a day at first, but all of a sudden I had run through 30 .25mg tablets in 30 days. So I began buying Valium, Klonopin, and Ativan off the street, along with Ambien. In addition to getting these drugs prescribed, though only sparingly.
I've spent 3-4 weeks (not consecutively) out of these past four months completely sober, most recently the past week. I don't remember anything clearly aside from this sober time, so I can't offer many details about my frequency or dosage of tranquilizer intake. At my worst, I've binged on 50mg of diazepam, or 40mg of zolpidem (along with other downers, and some uppers). An average day's intake would probably be 10 or 15 mg of Valium, or its equivalent in other benzos.
I took my final 20mg of Valium Saturday two weeks ago. This final dose kept me tranquilized for two days afterward. Then I didn't sleep for the week following. I stayed strong, aside from slipping up and drinking a bunch of alcohol and popping a tramadol Saturday a week ago.
Since this past Tuesday, I've been sleeping -- and dreaming! -- about seven hours a night. I'm walking and running many miles a day. I'm able to read, and be absorbed by what I'm reading, and retain what I've read. What a relief it is to be sober!
However, two problems continue to vex me:
One is physical. I find myself periodically, often out of nowhere, gasping for breath as my heart beats irregularly. This began after an acid trip about a month ago which filled my chest with a hideous constricting feeling and caused the bloodflow in the palms of my hands and soles of my feet to feel pinched. Physical activity does not seem to exacerbate these feelings.
It's worth noting that even back in 2009 and '10 I saw three different cardiologists because I was so paranoid about damage to my heart. None of them found any damage. But that doesn't mean I haven't dealt serious damage to myself in the interim -- considering the massive quantities of drugs I've consumed! Anyway, considering my history of appearing as a hypochondriac, and that I'm probably still in the grip of benzo withdrawal (not to mention the psychological difficulty of trying to eschew drugs entirely), I've so far resisted seeing a doctor about these physical symptoms.
I fear poor circulation. Are these symptoms worth consulting a doctor?
The second is mental. "Cognitive impairment" is the perfect descriptor. I have a very hard time conducting rigorous academic research. Even reading a novel, as I said earlier, has become possible again, but it is much, much more challenging than it used to be. How long until the fog which has thickened my head dispels, and I am able to immerse myself into intellectual work as effortlessly as I used to be able to?
Regardless of the answer, I will not succumb again to temptation. I'm 20 years old. My face has aged prematurely. I have no choice but to quit drugs (particularly uppers and downers), because the only other option is for things to get worse and worse. At best, I've treaded water in the five months since posting "Sapped by Stimulants." I don't want to be merely treading water five months hence.
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