Broke and in withdrawls for tenth time this summer.

[d3athadone]

Hi guys i just need to put this out there. Ive been an opiate addict for 8 years. Im a terrible addict. I suck at it. I never plan and ive always wanted to quit. Ive detoxed off just about every opiate known to man cold turkey. This summer has been a fucking nightmare. I got off methadone in the fall and thought i would stsy clean but i relapsed as soon as i got my new place. This whole summer ive been relapsing and going cold turkey. Ive probably made it a week ct 4x this summer. Also ive had times where i stopped for 4 days or something.

The withdrawls have just been getting worse and worse the more i fucked around. Anyway i spent through my savings about a month and a half ago and i been spending all my money which is very little on drugs. Its gotten to the point where im eating rice and beans because im that poor. I need to stop but i just cant seem to.

For instance i just went 5 days ct off diladud iv about 30 or 40mg and it was horrible. Then i had an opportunity to see gabor mate lecture ysterday[some of u might know him] and i got so triggered and wanted to go so badly but was too sick so i relapsed. My moms supposed to be coming down to help me out with groceries and im supposed to not be sick and i cant tell her i relapsed again. Im very close to my mom and shes got health problems and i swear im exasperating them.

I wonder if that 20mg i did ysterday will completely reset my withdrawl. Im def more sick today thsn i was on day 5. The main thing is that i dont know where to turn. Im going from the pan to the fire to the pan again. Im at my wits end. Ive been sick for so much time this summer i just cant take it anymore. Today i cried harder than ive ever cried. I was hyperventalting for like an hour. Which oddly did help.

If it were up to me id go out nd use right now and just get back on methadone but u know my mom hates that idea as she saw me struggle to get off that crap. And shes probably right. I often feel like im doing this for other people. I know thats notnright as i matter to but itd the hurt on my loved ones faces that really get to me. Anyway i dunno what im expecting frommthis. All i know is something hasnto give thanks

 

[bakeryrogercow]

What you're doing isn't working. Rehab is always an option. I'm assuming insurance is a no go for now. In the immediate I would highly suggest you start going to meetings, whatever is in your area. Worry about your alignment with the type of meeting it is later. You're so close and you just need a little help. It's a safe place where people know exactly what you're going through and don't judge you! What more could you ask for. If you ask almost anyone in a meeti for help they will help you (except to get high lol)

Just give it a try. You literally have nothing to lose

 

[Stl boy]

Definitely go to treatment or atleast detox, maybe try subonxne or vivitrol shot?

 

[swilow]

I can relate. Back in my severe addiction days, I went through a similar thing almost weekly. I would use fiendishly, become sick with remorse and regret, cold turkey for a few days and then relapse. It is a fucking terrible cycle. There really is no relief from it. As with you, I saw that what I was doing was not working so I did the only thing I could which was put my life (piece of shit that it was) on hold and went to inpatient detox/rehab for about 4 weeks. You don't neccesarily need to go for that long; it was fine for me as I was unemployed and had time; but what I think you may benefit from some true space to get the detox over with and begin the difficult process of rehabilitation. Space where you can get over the panicky sickness that makes using seem utterly integral, where you can experience all the craziness of detox in a supportive environment. For some people, being physically removed from their lives is what is needs.

It seems that you find it very difficult not to use. I was like that, I continued using even when on methadone. I felt totally compelled to use constantly, overwhelmingly. It was horrifying, but I am not like that anymore. It is not smooth sailing by any means, and I fuck up regularly, but in 5 years I have not been physically dependant on opiates. I've had brushes but have been able to pull back most times. I've stopped totally for now and am playing it by ear. I think that if I can get to this stage, of a kind of uneasy truce that is blossoming into something better (I hope!), anyone can. I suppose I am just trying to relate what worked for me. Have you ever been through an inpatient detox?

My moms supposed to be coming down to help me out with groceries and im supposed to not be sick and i cant tell her i relapsed again. Im very close to my mom and shes got health problems and i swear im exasperating them.

That must be hard for you. You really love you mum and that's awesome. She must love you dearly too. She sounds she wants you to be happy and healthy. I don't think that her brief disappointment in you having relapsed is all that important compared to the suffering this is causing you. I mean, there isn't immense usefulness in telling your mother about what is happening, but she probably knows something is up and she is your mother, she wants to help you. For me, concealing my addiction was always painful and made me really hate myself. In the end, my desire to save face and avoid disappointing people (for me, my own mother and my girlfriend who I'm still with!) eventually fell apart when I realised that I was not coping and was at wits end. But, do not beat yourself up over worries of what others are thinking of you. There is really no use in doing that.

I wonder if that 20mg i did ysterday will completely reset my withdrawl. Im def more sick today thsn i was on day 5. The main thing is that i dont know where to turn. Im going from the pan to the fire to the pan again. Im at my wits end. Ive been sick for so much time this summer i just cant take it anymore. Today i cried harder than ive ever cried. I was hyperventalting for like an hour. Which oddly did help.

Crying can be insane during opiate use, with always looming withdrawal and the dysphoria that opiate tolerance seems to cause. Its cathartic but can be overly intense. I've never bought much into the whole notions of manliness and all that shit, but I found myself in early 20's finding it tough to cry. Boy, opiate withdrawal cured the fuck out of that bullshit. And yet, in my memory, the crying fits usually bought about a sense of peace, as if each episode was the expulsion of another negative feeling and memory. And I always enjoy any intense experience, emotional or chemical or whatever, I got something from the insane grief of my weeping.

If it were up to me id go out nd use right now and just get back on methadone but u know my mom hates that idea as she saw me struggle to get off that crap. And shes probably right. I often feel like im doing this for other people. I know thats notnright as i matter to but itd the hurt on my loved ones faces that really get to me. Anyway i dunno what im expecting frommthis. All i know is something hasnto give thanks

Its up to you though, not your mum. Did you find methadone helpful at all? If anything, perhaps you came off it too soon? Methadone, when effective, can be like the space and break I mentioned above. It can help you get over the constant cycle of dope sickness. Its often the sickness that causes us to madly take any opiate we can, and the response is understandble and very difficult to overcome. It certainly is something that can b overcome, and for you, perhaps methadone is the way to go.

Not that I think this will make you feel better but- does you mum really need to know you are on methadone? Perhaps, if her awareness bothers you, you could just organise this without her knowledge and then inform her once you've stabilised?

Anyway, take it easy, post back here when you can and let us know how you are doing.

 

[d3athadone]

Thanks guys for your support. I was going to meetings but ive been dopesick every wed now for like a month. Too hard to go there sick. Lately ive been thinking my struggling so much as a sign that im fucked but yesterday i had a the profound idea that maybe im struggling so much because thats what it takes to get well. I couldnt get into a rehab here [toronto canada]in under 2 months. Ive been to detox its like jail and im the only one who is dopesick. Rest r off crack and having a gay old time while im dying. There is a detox up the street but what is the point. Its basically detoxing in a homeless shelter.

This isnt working cuz im broke and alone. How am i supposed to deal with all this madness by myself. Its just not possible. Ysterday i used 12mg dilly. Today im not that sick. I pray i wont get really sick tonight. My moms coming tomorrow which i really need cuz she willl buy me some food and a computer and plus i just need to see someone i love. I just hope i can keep it together. Im sure it will b hard.

Life sure can be hellish. The things ive gone through.. Like i said im a terrible junkie. Ive just never been financially afloat. It really blows that some peeps wanna tell memwhat i can and cant put in my body. Fuck id be through uni by now if shit didnt cost so much. End rant. Thanks again!

 

[d3athadone]

Oh and about the methadone. I really dont wanna get on it. Just look at my username! But i might have to. My mom already said she would support me no matter what it just sucks to have to get on that shit after i already was on it for 3yrs and completeded the program.