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Breaking Away from Religious Family =/

S

Subdivisions

Bluelighter
Joined
May 2, 2010
Messages
50
Hey everyone- I have NO IDEA which forum this belongs in...I figured either this one or the relationships one, apologies in advance if I am mistaken...

I have been on Bluelight for about a year now. In that period of time I have managed to drop my opiate habit, which I am proud to have done (so far!) but there is one thing that is still bothering me endlessly.

I have a very, very, very strict, dogmatic, closed-minded Islamic family. Kinda and caring, but super religious and not very open-minded. Everyone prays daily prayers, does pilgrimage, marries only other Muslims (anyone wanting to marry into the family must convert), etc.

Without going into too much depth, I developed a massive co-dependency problem because of my upbringing, which I dealt with my using painkillers.

I feel like I have very little control of my life...my choice of a wife will be limited to what the family approves of, I am a nightclub DJ as a hobby but I have to hide it from my family because it is unacceptable, I cannot express my disagreement with the faith, if I do something that is perceived as against the religious (dating non-Muslims, etc), there is family intervention and alot of guilt pressed onto me, etc.

The issue I am really struggling with, though, is how much more can I take? I know that if I keep living this way, I am going to be miserable. I also fear a relapse of the opiate use.

My friends are telling me that I need to come out and tell them who I really am. But this could cause alot of animosity in my family. It would greatly upset my parents, my father especially...we already don't talk much because I have not met his expectations.

I am struggling with knowing where to draw the line, and how to go about it.

Would be in the wrong for coming out? I know logically, its more important for me to respect myself and be who I really am, even if it means not having the respect of all of my family...but I am not sure how I would deal with this.

Does anyone here have any experience with this? Thoughts? I am really lost on this.
 
I don't know man, sounds like a really tough situation. You should meditate and pray on it. When you get your answer you can tell your parents that it is inspired by Allah.
 
Mehm said:
I don't know man, sounds like a really tough situation. You should meditate and pray on it. When you get your answer you can tell your parents that it is inspired by Allah.
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Not sure if serious...

But seriously, do you. Take some time out, meditate on it. Who are you and what's your purpose in this body that you have? Only when you are able to comfortably tell yourself the answer will you be able to tell the people you love that same answer with no guilt.
 
I applaud your sense of individuality my friend. I can empathise to an extent - i've lived in Riyadh & spent a lot of time in Dubai, so i know a fair bit about the close mindedness (< is that a word?) of islam. My father is not religious but i too have not met his expectations.

I think you should be your own person not what your parents want. You still love & respect them & remember in times to come you'll be able to start your own family.

I dont know how old you are but if you're a teenager it is possible you may be going through a rebellious non-conformist phase. I've seen this happen.

This is a very unorthodox idea but have you ever tried psychedelic mushrooms? They are an excellent therapeutic tool for soul searching & confronting things within you & ulitimately finding yourself & a sense of peace, much like an long rewarding session of meditation

That's all i have my friend, good luck on your voyage through life. Ma salaam.
 
Hi Subdivisions, welcome to BL <3

I am actually going to move your thread over to Sex, Love, and Relationships as you mentioned in the beginning of your post... its a forum more geared towards relationships with yourselves and others.

Congrats on dropping your opiate habit. That takes a lot of inner strength, dedication, and self-confidence. Not an easy thing to quit. Being different from your family can be a huge source of stress. I definitely went through a form of it when I was growing up and living in the same house as my parents who were extremely Catholic, strict, and closed-minded as well. It also fueled a large part of my drug use and reckless behavior. My best advice I can give to you from my experience, is to find who YOU are first and foremost. Caring and loving for your family is completely separate from living your life in a way that is meaningful to you, makes you happy, and is true to yourself. You can have both, it will just take time and patience on your part. Do you currently live in the same house as your family, or even in the same city? I find that distance helps this process immensely, as both parties have their space to develop as individuals and communication is much easier when it's done periodically, with time to reflect afterwards.



HL ---> SLR
 
Simply_Live said:
Not sure if serious...

But seriously, do you. Take some time out, meditate on it. Who are you and what's your purpose in this body that you have? Only when you are able to comfortably tell yourself the answer will you be able to tell the people you love that same answer with no guilt.
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I wouldn't joke around in a thread of this levity. I pray daily and consider it to be an invaluable tool in letting god run my life.
 
euphoria said:
Congrats on dropping your opiate habit. That takes a lot of inner strength, dedication, and self-confidence. Not an easy thing to quit. Being different from your family can be a huge source of stress. I definitely went through a form of it when I was growing up and living in the same house as my parents who were extremely Catholic, strict, and closed-minded as well. It also fueled a large part of my drug use and reckless behavior. My best advice I can give to you from my experience, is to find who YOU are first and foremost. Caring and loving for your family is completely separate from living your life in a way that is meaningful to you, makes you happy, and is true to yourself. You can have both, it will just take time and patience on your part. Do you currently live in the same house as your family, or even in the same city? I find that distance helps this process immensely, as both parties have their space to develop as individuals and communication is much easier when it's done periodically, with time to reflect afterwards.
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I agree with this post completely ^. Most of my family are hardcore christian Tea Partiers and I learned a long time ago that the ONLY way to be myself was to not even live in the same town as them. I talk to my parents on the phone frequently and I visit on holidays, but it is always easier to not be subject to their closed-mindedness when you are not around them all the time.

Some say people like us should tell our family how we really feel about it all. I disagree. I am perfectly content not letting them know I'm an atheist or fairly liberal. When they ask I just change the subject or dodge the question. I've been doing this for over 10 years and will prolly always do it. As long as I'm not living under their roof I am free to be who I want and the guilt trips don't even work.

To the OP, if you are a teen then just do what they say while you're there and buy your time. I promise when you get old enough to move out it will all get better. If you're not a teen, get a job and get your ass out of there.

You have to make yourself happy first. Their happiness is secondary. Good luck.
 
Definitely not a teen, I am 32 and had to move back home thanks to the fact I blew a decent amount of my money on opiates, though I will be moving out again fairly soon.
 
I know it's tough living at home. I'm 32 as well. After living on my own since I was 17 I ended up homeless at 26 and after being on the streets long enough, realized that staying with my parents was a better deal. I appreciate that they were willing to take me in but it sucked having to follow their rules.
 
im a closet user i have to hide it as best as i can, but its pretty obvious i guess. i figure dr suess said it best.." be who you are because the people that matter dont mind and the ones that mind dont matter" not that the fam isnt important but mastering your self is. i have kicked heroin too and i got folks who are pretty liberal, once they got the news of me being an iv user they got pretty concerned so i went to church with mom and granny and aLL THAT.
i guess it helped at the time but now im on one with the meth and everyone has been on my ass aBOUT WHAT AM I DOIn.......................sorta a social; stigma i have since takento an athiest perspective and i keep alot of projects going bands and that....now its my bandmates i worry about as they question me. but i know this....i bring it so if they drop me it wasnt my lack of participation. i figure people who get all wadded up over that are lacking enough of their own issues and problems or they are just too ignorant to realize the troubles of their own. the whole religion thing is a hack if i got anything to say about it.

i keep it closet , ask me no question i tell you no lie. its my life its my business. my bands didnt get much attention til i started being less of a fat girl....and if they want to draw on my talent and get help from my image as well to further their aims then you can compare it to say.....giving someone money who wants to tell you how to earn it. so yea in turn i lie.

kind of like the meeting someone elses standards thing, pops wants you to be this certain way so he can be proud of you or because he wants to tell everyone how proud he is of you? well how can he do that when he doesnt even know your heart. in your heart you know you want to make them happy but in your heart you also know that you really cant make them happy.....they are basing their lives around something that could be some imaginary myth, how is that different from getting high? being high is just like lying to yourself that you feel good and so is that.


i really dont like the preachyness people like to get into with all this holier than thou shit how do they know did some mythical unicorn come up to them and give them the key to the universe or something....i got this "friend" trying to tell me some shit all the time about how oh i need to get off the shit when he cant even get his own life together sober. i told him oh im off the shit now i just do coke then he is tellin me he can get coke. no im not on coke there is flesh eating coke going around. but thats better than meth right because i will have no teeth????
well guess what i shoot it so yea call me a health nut but my teeth are fine.
fuck em
 
I was on the other side of this. I once dated a chick who's family was from Iraq and although they where not super religious and she in fact was agnostic her family was not at all pleased that their daughter was dating, sleeping and living with a poor white guy who was 9 years older then her. I grew up in a Irish catholic family so of course I'm a atheist now =D . It made things tense to say the least and i could never understand why they wanted their daughter to marry some Arab that was rich and came from a good family even though she didn't want anything to do with any of that shit.

She also did alot of drugs (mostly opiates and benzos) so of course she had to hide that from her family as well. After a few incidents she pretty much stayed clear of her family because she got sick of their bullshit. I have known a few Arabs who came to Canada and had to live more or less a double life by being just another one of the gang when they where around everyone else but being all proper and shit when they where around their family. I'm just glad i never had to deal with that other then having my g/f's mom insist we get married in a traditional Muslim wedding no less before we moved in together ffs :! ! Of course that didn't happen :p

You certainly have my sympathies :\
 
I was raised in a Southern Baptist family. Both sides, but my parents weren't all that religious. My grandmother, who I loved dearly, would have disowned me had she known I lived with men, wasn't a virgin, etc. I just didn't tell her, but laid down the rules when she would start to get pushy about things. It's different when you are living with them, though. I despise religion and think it is everything that is wrong with the world, so I do think that people who are crazy fanatics affect their kids either way (they become crazy like them or the kids swing the total opposite way and reject everything that is religion).

Bottom line is you have to get away from it. I think you will be A) free to be yourself and B) more tolerant of them, because the fanatics won't be a part of your life anymore. I became much more tolerant of my family's religion when I didn't have to deal with it. If it annoyed me, I could just walk away.
 
Thanks for the replies all. It is always good to hear other points of view. I also notice that some of my peers, who have gone through these types of oppressive and dogmatic ideas, turned to drug use like I did. What is sad, is that if I ever I told my family that my trouble dealing with my situation was a contributor to my opiate use, they would say "no it's not...you turned to drugs because you turned your back on your religion!". Ahhh.
 
I feel for you. My family situation is somewhat similar, although my family is christian and from what you describe, much more tolerant than yours.

I would be yourself, but show as much respect for your family and their beliefs as you can when you're around them. That really is all you can do. If they dont want to accept you then just make it clear that you will always be open to make amends, and that you respect them and the upbringing that they gave you. Try to show that you are a good and self reliant person and don't need religion to live a good life. Find something (anything) other than opiates to cope.... or you will probably fail at doing those things. I would recommend exercising regularly.
 
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