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boyfriend of a year has depression and s.a.d. wants to be single..for 2nd time.. help

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lonley21

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Joined
Mar 12, 2014
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8
Im a 43 year female and been seeing a 36 year old male ( he suffers with S.A.D. and struggles with his emotions ..been going out for a year everything’s has been great with the relationship, but we are an hour away from each other, we have been seeing each other mainly every 2 weeks but sometimes it was ¾ weeks due to life getting in the way iv always tried to understand. He doesn’t work right now but has been trying to get work.
Yesterday, 1 day before our year anniversary he decides to say he wants to be single, but cant give me an explanation at all, he cares about me, wud kill for me, wants to be with me. Doesn’t want to lose me or couldn’t bare to see me with anyone else..but he doesn’t think its an idea we should be together due to he’s not in a position to be going out with anyone.
its too much pressure ( but doesn’t explain what pressure). Cause he has a billion things etc.. doesn’t think its equal in feeling etc..he says there’s no one else and he hasn’t gone off me, but doesn’t think its fare but he contradicts himself constantly with no real reason that he want to be single, he doesn’t think things will get better and even if he worked it wud be worse due to more hours.. he repeats saying he has nothing to give feelings wise but i ask is it cause he has no feeling for me, he says no he has strong feeling for me.i said he just wants to scrumple me up and throw me away by dumping me, he said im not doing that. I said but that’s what ur doing.
he said im just saying i don’t see a future in it, well for the majority of 2014 anyway while he sorts out things.. he repeats over and over iv got nothing to give, iv got nothing left to give, he says he cares about me and im cool we get on etc but he says im just in no situation to be with anyone..its not that i want to throw it away, iv just got nothing left to give, what u want i can’t give u that???Feelings and stuff..when i ask what feelings he has for me he struggles saying i care about u, of course i have got feelings for u, good ones, the good kind, i like you but struggles with saying any more, yet he says he wud hate it if i was with someone else and wud kill for me. He says he not pushing me out of his life, but he is. And doesn’t want to be in any relationship at all.. and says over and over im not going anywhere.
I’m so confused and put a year into this relationship and my heart and soul is with him even with his faults, but so confused in on hand he doesn’t seem to want to lose me but he’s dumping me.??
Please help me ...i don’t know what to do..
p.s. he also dumped me in oct similar reasons but blamed it on S.A.D. and wen we spoke 4 days latter seamed to understand me and we were ok again, but i don’t think it helps he was drinking a lot at the time also and this time was the same he had drunk a lot of alcohol. thanks
 
Stay strong. Medications can help. He should also be looking into a bright light for about an hour in the morning. If he isnt then he doesnt really care about your relationship.
 
thanks, he does use a lamp each day.. but around valentine the bulbs broke so he dident use it for over a week or 2 just wen i thought the lamp was helping hes done this again so im so confused. i have noticed the only time this happens is in oct wen it first starts and march wen its about to end, i remember the middle of march wen we first started our relationship he was cold, and hurtful once, he apologized and cudent explain his behavior except the s.a.d. thats how i found out about it. but he wont open up talk about it or his feelings and wen i suggest help, docs medication he doesent want to discuss it.
 
Right... so, he blames being an awful boyfriend on SAD, and then on the alcohol, and then on undefined "pressure". He won't say he loves you. He lives an hour away (which isn't that far), is unemployed (so has time on his hands) but sometimes doesn't see you for 3 weeks because of his schedule? He behaved badly towards you in March and blamed SAD (when it was spring?), won't seek treatment (= refuses to take responsibility) and sounds immature as hell for a 36 years old. So basically he blames everything but himself for his situation.

You're older anyway and I'm surprised you're putting up with his crap. I've been working in mental health for over 10 years, and can tell you this: being depressed doesn't mean you can't be a decent person. Having mental health difficulties doesn't mean he's not being an asshole. He's taking zero responsibility and making zero effort in this relationship; I'd run for the hills if I were you, this won't get better as long as you're being sooooo "understanding" and letting him walk all over you in the process. Sorry if I'm being harsh :(
 
No he doesn’t say he’s a awful boyfriend just that it’s not equal the feelings or anything else because I’m doing a lot of the driving etc he won’t even talk about sad so doesn’t blame it on it..i think may be the two times hes dumped me, feels sorry for him self and pushes me away might be because of the sad and alcahol doesent help either ..the alcohol isn’t really a factor just the 2 nights he called me a dumped me I think it doesn’t help...i think before he met me it may have been a factor but since he doesn’t drink that much and been fine wen he was with me.. Since oct he’s only drunk 5 times e.g. xmas, valentine etc..
I think wen he’s stressed about losing his flat or can he get food or heating this week it stresses him and drinks wen he student and stupid things and everything is on his mind and he thinks he’s a bum and not good enough for me etc..so he seems to push me away..he’s not ready to say he loves me yet and struggles with his feelings in general i think his family hasn’t helped with this. Some men take their time to say how they feel i think it takes longer with him..
He’s unemployed but constant works with exams etc to get a better job he’s very anal about his routine to help his sad and works on his exam stuff from 6am till bed. Not seeing me for 3 weeks cud be due to exams, he doesn’t feel up to it due to being depressed and doesn’t want to see any one..
The only time hes behaved badly is in oct and march 9th dumping me but i think the stress, alcohol and stuff in his head doesn’t help at all.. yes the sad does get better in spring but i noticed last year it wasn’t till we were past April things got better and iv read the same with other suffers too..

Hes ask for help but docs not helped much just laughed, he bought a lamp to help but not been easy and a couple of weeks ago his bulbs broke so had no lamp for 1,2 weeks was just getting back on top again.
I was trying to understand his issues due to also i suffer with depression but mine only lingers wen iv been hurt in a relationship again..
hope this helps u understand better.. thanks
 
Thank you neversickanymore the link has taken me to the page but not the lighting its self so i dont know what im looking for?

Can i also ask a question you might not want to answer? when you have been bad with sad has it made you feel like wanting to push the good realtionship in your life away. ? i love this man so much, and im trying so hard to understand this man but wen he wont talk much or open up i dont know what to do ..just wondered if you cud help or suggest what might of helped you in a situation like this. thanks hope u dont mind me asking.. hes the independant sort and not used to opening up his feeling so i worry even bringing up things to help and after him dumping me the other day we havent spoke..thanks
 
Philips Hf3321 goLITE BLU is the light im using.

It has not had this effect on me to any great degree. You say he used to drink allot.. How does he handle criticism? Does he seem to have some mood swings.. were he goes from pretty up beat to kinda low? Social anxiety at all?
 
OP, I just want to make sure I understand. You're in a relationship with a man who isn't making a lot of effort to see you, sometimes pushes you away, has broken up with you twice and has also been "nasty" towards you twice, has been with you for a year but "isn't ready" to say he loves you and is taking so little responsibility for his own actions and the way he is as a partner that you are the one going on forums asking strangers about the best way to help him. You do the driving, you do the caring, you're doing the research, you worry about him and almost try to do his thinking for him because he's not giving you much to go by apart from self-pity.

Do you mind if I ask... you sound like a kind, caring, loving person. You sound like you're putting a hell of a lot of work into this relationship; what are you getting in return? Does he look after you, makes sure you're ok, considers your needs (emotional or otherwise)? Because if not, you're more of a carer than a partner and I wonder what it is you are getting out of being with him, it sounds upsetting and difficult - but you can't force someone to seek help or gain insight. This is HIS journey. I just really hope that you are looking after yourself.
 
Regarding the drink, i dont know for sure, but when we first met and talked on the phone for hours he drank quite a bit so im going more on that and wen we met face to face and dated due to money we stayed in a lot and usually got a drink in but i know he misses his beer wen he ha sent drunk for a bit. he stopped drinking after oct and only drank 5 times up to march so just going opn the facts but i know we were chatting fine saturday afternoun/ evening for hours no issues he said he was going for a bit and wud call back..he never called but i just guessed he was busy then sunday he called 6pm very drunk, it takes a lot for him to get drunk. and i know that wen hes down with stuff he can turn to it. i was worried he was continuing drinking since saturday, but wen i asked him he got funny, saying it was up to him...what he does.
How does he handle criticism? to answer ur question, im not sure i guess we joke about and stuff digging at each other some times i get wary i guess he seams a but off..but never really criticized him properly, no need.. why??

Is the lamp any good not sure if its the same as his but wondered how good..? thanks
Does he seem to have some mood swings.. yes i would say he gets some bad ones these can be some of the excussess he uses for me not going down sometimes....were he goes from pretty up beat to kinda low? deffo Social anxiety at all? yes some times depends.. some times really just wants to be on his own ..thats why i always try to be understanding.
 
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I guess i would have to agree with everything you have said yes its i just try to understand another person no matter who they are especially when you care and love them, i found a soul mate in him and we are really good together when we are together even with the distance we can chat for hours on the phone. Im not getting anything from this besides we are really good together wen hes not down, i guess..he does look after me when were together and thinks and help me wen were not.

Its just these 2 times wen hes been bad thats it, (emotional or otherwise)? i think he struggles with his emotions and feelings and talking about them or the sad.. i am really up set and down and it can be really difficult but i try to understand having issues and depression my self but mine effects me more when men hurt me iv had a lot of bad relationships in my life..
thanks for caring ...but i guess i think about people i care about more than my self..(just habit, bring 2 kids up alone)(looking after disabled family members etc so life isnt easy) but i found love and dont want to let it go, i want to work out a solution to help him and me. to be happy together. thankss
 
depressed people often self sabotage

also you two live too far away and its putting a strain on things

BUT in life you have to go by the actions of another because ultimately it is their actions not feelings which affect us.

so think of yourself
 
^ Have to second that. Think of yourself... you can't make your happiness dependant on someone else's happiness.

I think it's interesting you said you have been a carer for a while. I was actually wondering about this because of the way you've taken all of his problems on and made them your own, and how you keep making excuses for him.

We all might become each other's carers in a relationship, but I think we should start from an equal footing. With the age gap and massive difference in life experience what are you to him? His lover, his lifeline, his older sister? And until you figure out what your needs are (something that's easy to avoid when you're constantly looking after others) you won't know how to find a man who can fulfil them. Either way... I hope it all works out for you, hugs xx
 
Also people with social anxiety will constantly need the approval of others in order to feal worthy. They can cause hell in relationships cause then the more you stick through the more you love them and then the better they are in their own minds. So in other words if he constantly needs your praise and to be reassured all the time that you love him and think he is awesome this may be something to consider as well. This is also closely linked to an addictive personality.
 
Sounds like he has more than SAD to me... Sounds more like bipolar but I don't know for sure. I think the best thing you could do is give him some space. As someone who suffers from bipolar depression I can sort of see where he's coming from as far as wanting to be alone. When you're depressed you're not in the best mindset to be in a relationship so it's likely he doesn't want to drag you through all his bullshit.
 
giving him some space is fine i even asked him that when he called but he kept saying the same about being single him not being able to give me what i want?? dont know what he thought i needed..?? all i wanted was to be with him and spend time together everything was ok..but its been nearly a week and no calls or texts etc from him and im worried if he is depressed so dont know if i should text or something to see if hes ok ? i know i was so up set and he was threatening to hang up the phone on me, i felt i had no choice but to do that on him, stupid pride i guess but i finished saying thanks a lot and hanging up the phone.. i love him so much and im sure he has strong feelings for me in his actions some times even though, he cud be better in other ways by just allowing us to be together more..and if he does feel like he doesn't want to put me through it ..like i said to him hes not changed a lot in a year and if i was superficial i wouldn't be with him to being with we were in a relationship and we should pull together and help each other through hard times no matter what or who.. but he just pushes me away...what do i do??
 
nuttynutskin said:
Sounds like he has more than SAD to me... Sounds more like bipolar but I don't know for sure. I think the best thing you could do is give him some space. As someone who suffers from bipolar depression I can sort of see where he's coming from as far as wanting to be alone. When you're depressed you're not in the best mindset to be in a relationship so it's likely he doesn't want to drag you through all his bullshit.
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where does it sound like bipolar? wheres the mania/hypomania- i just done see it
 
lonley21 said:
giving him some space is fine i even asked him that when he called but he kept saying the same about being single him not being able to give me what i want?? dont know what he thought i needed..?? all i wanted was to be with him and spend time together everything was ok..but its been nearly a week and no calls or texts etc from him and im worried if he is depressed so dont know if i should text or something to see if hes ok ? i know i was so up set and he was threatening to hang up the phone on me, i felt i had no choice but to do that on him, stupid pride i guess but i finished saying thanks a lot and hanging up the phone.. i love him so much and im sure he has strong feelings for me in his actions some times even though, he cud be better in other ways by just allowing us to be together more..and if he does feel like he doesn't want to put me through it ..like i said to him hes not changed a lot in a year and if i was superficial i wouldn't be with him to being with we were in a relationship and we should pull together and help each other through hard times no matter what or who.. but he just pushes me away...what do i do??
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I'd say take a break. Right now not only is he depressed but also most likely feeling smothered by you. He's made it pretty obvious how he feels but you can't seem to take a hint. At this point things are extremely one sided and trying to be with him now is just going to cause more problems, that is if he doesn't cut you off completely. He's only going to change if he wants to, you can't force him. Just let him be, focus on yourself and your own needs right now (which you're seriously neglecting), and maybe down the line he'll get his shit together and you can pursue something with him again if you really want to.

pofacedhoe said:
where does it sound like bipolar? wheres the mania/hypomania- i just done see it
Click to expand...

Well I was just thinking some of the mood swings it sounded like he was having, and bipolar II doesn't have the crazy highs like bipolar I. But like I said I don't know. I just personally think it sounds like more than SAD. Maybe just regular unipolar depression. But I wasn't trying to diagnose him although I guess that's how it sounded, just offering possibilities.
 
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