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Boyfriend has started acting shady :/ What should I make of all this?

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xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
1,004
My relationship with my boyfriend has started to get extremely confusing. I'm even starting to question how genuine it really is when he says he loves me. I'll be honest, even at times when I say it I feel like I'm only saying it because I'm obligated to... because he says it first or whatever. Yes, other times I feel like I'm genuinely saying it from the heart, I told him this yesterday, by the way, and he didn't even seem to care. He basically said, "Well, if that's how you feel, then I can't/don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do", got a bit defensive, and then ended up saying something that just made me feel even worse so I ended up just saying I had to go and hanging up. Then he got mad at me for hanging up on him. lol. I mean.

lol. Oh God, it's sad how much I'm noticing that this looks worse and worse the more I write it out. I'm going to continue though, just for the sake of getting a second opinion.

Anyway. We hardly ever get to see each other (he's still at rehab), and yet as much as he says he misses me, he makes NO effort to sees me. Even seems like he's somewhat avoiding it lately. See, he's in his second month there. That means he can start looking for a job now. Last week he was all, "My two months is on Tuesday and they have to start letting me look for a job, I'll have a car, and the first thing I'm going to do is come see you." Well, I don't know what happened between the span of last week through this past Sunday, which is when he was supposed to go home and get his car. However, he claimed he isn't getting it until Thursday, because it was in the shop... first he said it was broken... and then later changed his story without realizing it by saying, "there's nothing wrong with it, my mom just wants to make sure it's safe to drive." So he said that on Tuesday, he would ask them if he could take the bus to look for applications instead, and I could pick him up somewhere. Did that happen? No. He said they wouldn't let him go "without any direction". So I suggest that he tell them he has an interview somewhere, so that we could hang out tomorrow. He makes the excuse that he "doesn't want to get off on the wrong foot by lying." But... wait, he was okay with claiming he would go look for applications while instead spending the entire day at my house last week, but now suddenly he's not okay with claiming he has an interview so we can hang out for even just, like, two hours? Uh huh... so anyway, I called him out on that one, but finally let it go. Then yesterday, as we were trying to make plans AGAIN, I finally just say that he can walk to the store and I'll meet him down there so we can kick it for 45 minutes or so. We've done that twice before and it's always worked out then. He says, "That works too, except for tomorrow" (tomorrow being today). So, of course, I ask him why today wouldn't work when he's allowed to walk to the store everyday, anytime he wants... and again, of course, more excuses followed.

And then, JUST now, THIS happens: Boyfriend says he'll call me after group. No phone call, no text. Wow big surprise. I go on Facebook, see that his roommate has posted that they're all going to the beach. I'm prepared to be cool about it and text him something like, "Have fun at the beach! ttyl love you" or something. As I'm typing it, lo and behold, guess who texts me?! And guess what it says?! It says that he'll call me in a few, because they're in the van, going somewhere, but the counselor driving them won't tell them where. My bullshit radar goes off, I'm still intent on keeping my cool, so I simply ask him isn't he going to the beach? And to call me when they get back, if he wants. I receive no response. I am clearly being blown off and he's not even TRYING to deny it anymore. I lose my cool a little bit and tell him that he didn't have to lie - that I'm straight up with everyone about everything, and that I don't think it's too much to ask for the same level of respect in return. Still no response, ever. And that's where I left it off at.

The moral of the story is this. It sounds to me like he's known he was going to the beach since yesterday, but wanted to hide it from me for some reason. Because if he wanted to see me as bad as he says he does, he'd have asked me to meet him at the beach, like he did last week when they went. Am I right? Of course I'm right. Something happened between last week and this week to make him stop giving a fuck. He either realized he doesn't actually love me, he just thought he did at one time and has realized he doesn't anymore (which I've pointed out as a possibility to him before and even told him I wouldn't be mad, that it's not his fault and that kind of shit just happens sometimes... I just want him to be honest with me if that's the case. I even told him that I wonder that too sometimes. But he just gets defensive and says, "So you think my mind is just messing with me and making me THINK I love you?" or something along those line), and won't admit to it for whatever reason. Or he met someone else (slightly doubtful though, since it still says on his Facebook that we're in a relationship... a surprising thing, at this point.) Or... something.

On top of that, the rehab is now full of just a bunch of young guys. Hardly any of them are in relationships, and the few that are don't seem to respect the girls they're with. So you have 10 plus 18-25 year old guys... my boyfriend is 25 and it wasn't that long ago when he was in a fraternity, I'm just saying... I mean it speaks for itself, really.

What should I make of this shadiness? I realize how bad it sounds when I read it. But where should I go from here? How should I proceed with the beach situation after how I left it off? He's still ignoring me and not texting me back after what I sent. I know this is nothing good on his end... it seems like he's over it and wants to bail. That's fine, and if he does I will walk away with my dignity intact... I won't beg, or make a scene... I'll simply walk away and never look back. I know it would hurt, bad, maybe for a little while... but I also know that I'm going to be just fine with or without him. However, at the same time, I refuse to let him make me do his dirty work for him. He knows I think something's up, that I'm on the verge of breaking up with him. But only because it's so obvious to me at this point that's what he wants. So if it's ultimately what he wants, it's his place to make it happen. I am not going to be stuck with the task of breaking up with someone I don't even want to break up with. I just... have too much pride for that or something.

I'm so confused. What should I do? lol this is my first relationship where I've been sober, ever, and yet somehow it is the most confusing...
 
OK you wrote how your boyfriend is in rehab/treatment. Keep in mind that he's going to be focusing on himself, getting sober, and staying sober.
 
You are definitely wasting your time. If he cared enough about you at all he would put fourth some type of effort, and clearly he isn't. Move on.
 
^^^I agree ( with Priest, not the above poster )Honestly, until he is completely out of rehab and you are really "together" is when you should make objective judgement calls on his devotion to you. Until then, if you truly love him, I would think that you would understand that his number one priority is not your relationship, but getting his own head on straight and focusing on sobriety.

You have been doing awesome in your own sobriety as well. I have read all your threads in TDS and here and I am really rooting for you! Please don't let him or anything that happens with y'alls relationship be a reason to go back to dope. You are worth way more than that!
 
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They guy has enough problems without having to balance a needy girlfriend. Addiction usually has no room for relationships. Mentally he has to be completely focused on getting better and like it or not having to juggle a woman who wants a piece of him is probably too much. 2 months is not a long time, I'm sure he is getting clean as much for you as for himself, give the man some space to get his life together then make happy families again.
 
Bagochina - you probably did in the other thread, and I will be the first to admit it. I should have listened and I fucked up. It's just hard to ignore/brush off something that feels so good and so real at the time, you know? I know better now... I will be more careful next time and heed everyone's advice, not just the ones I want to hear.

And ugh you guys, did you not read the part where I said he straight up LIED to me? Several times, about several different things? That isn't him focusing on his sobriety... him focusing on his sobriety is something I completely understand and am supportive of. But I mean, come on, he's at the BEACH. He LIED to me about going to the beach. That is him just straight up lying and being shady, which is inexcusable under any circumstance.

I had a feeling about this yesterday, that something was wrong, or just off. I did bring it up to him then. I've always been honest with him about everything, and yesterday was no different. I explained what happened and how he responded to that in the very first paragraph I wrote, but to expand on it a bit... first he acted pretty much like he didn't care, saying that if I'm already feeling that way it means "the feeling is already there and you're just going to build on it" (and hmm I wonder WHY those feelings are there?!), then saying there was nothing he could do about it, and if I wanted to walk he would let me... oh but all the while acting like he's thinking only of me, of course. THEN, he went into "I love you" and "What can I do to make it up to you?" and "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and "I'm going to tell you everything else you want to hear even though I don't mean jack shit" mode. Then later that night he went into wounded boyfriend who is bummed out that I feel that way mode. And then he went into overkill, overly sweet, doing everything perfectly mode. He was flip flopping all over the place. But of course he won me back over within like an hour, because it's not like I had any solid justification for my hunches at the time.

And then he went back to acting like he didn't give a fuck this morning, except it's even worse. He lied to me about going to the freaking beach! Like wtf?! And yes, I did call him out on it. I haven't received a response. He told me a while back that he once broke up with a girl by simply bailing on her - just stopped returning any of her texts or phone calls. And I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't go hours on end without texting me, especially when he knows I'm upset about something he did, whether he's at the beach or not. He has stopped to call me in the middle of hiking with the rehab before because I was upset about something or other, and that time didn't even have anything to do with him! So, boys and girls, I think it's safe to assume that I have just been broken up with... without the courtesy of actually being broken up with. I am growing more and more confident as time goes by that I will not hear from him ever again.

What I don't understand is the fact that I didn't do anything wrong. Why don't I AT LEAST deserve the courtesy of an explanation? At least an "I'm sorry", or even just a one word answer to the other texts I sent him when I figured out exactly what he was doing - breaking up with me without breaking up with me, because apparantly that's JUST WHAT HE DOES. And I was stupid enough to think he at least cared about me enough to not pull that shit on me. But he did. Old habits, I guess. I just don't get it. How did he go from acting so perfect last night, to telling me how much he loves me this morning, to lying to me about the beach, to not even giving me the courtesy of one freaking word when I found out about it?! He had just texted me one second earlier, claiming he didn't know where they were going. But the SECOND I brought up the beach... that was it, goodbye relationship.

What the fuck did I do though. I didn't move too fast - I was moving at HIS pace. I was perfectly happy to take it slow... but he was so respectful and worked so hard to make me trust him, always the perfect gentleman, doing little things for me that no one else had ever done before, always saying the right things, and then eventually telling me he loved me, wanted to get a place with me in two months, and then married in a year, and then kids after that... it was hard NOT to fall in love with him. DID I fall in love with him? I don't know anymore. They were just words on his end. That isn't real love. And if it's not real on one side, how can it possibly be real on the other? I fell in love with who I thought he was, not who he really is. Maybe I will never know what it really means to be in love with somebody.

Oh great and to make this situation even more beautiful, I also just spent ALL last night and this morning drawing him a cute picture and writing him a letter telling him how much I love him and all this other cute shit, because he asked me to yesterday, and now this... and I already sent it out this morning, before all this shit happened. FUCK!

And trust me when I say I am the complete opposite of a needy girlfriend lol. I'm not even going to bother going back to look at who said that, but whoever it was, you need to read a little bit better. I've put up with tons of broken promises and lies from him without ever tripping out... and even now, that it's been thrown in my face, I'm being chill about it as far as he knows. Bluelight is the only place I'm expressing how I ACTUALLY feel about the situation. As far as he knows, I understand completely that "sometimes it just doesn't work out between two people". I WOULD like an explanation, which I asked for, and which I think is a perfectly understandable thing to expect when you suddenly find out that the person who's been claiming he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, has actually been lying to you about a bunch of shit, that words are just words to him, and that the whole relationship has more or less been one huge lie. Furthermore, I've made it clear to him that if he isn't feeling it anymore, then he just isn't feeling it anymore, that I realize there's nothing I can do about it, and if he needs to break up with me he can do it without having to worry that I'll make it even harder on him - I won't cause a scene, beg him to stay, start a fight, try to get revenge, etc. I'll simply respect his decision and walk away and not look back, let him live his life and I'll go live mine. I especially resent being called needy because I have been anything but that. I've let him get away with a ton of shit and never tripped out on him until today, I've never demanded to know where he was or what he was doing, never told him he can't have girl friends, have been understanding everytime he's given me some bullshit excuse as to why he suddenly can't hang out anymore even though I've KNOWN it was bullshit, haven't bugged him the millions of times he said he would call and then never did, and so on and so forth. But I'm being needy... how? Because he fucked up again and I actually called him out on it for once? I don't think that's needy, I think that's just me finally getting tired of letting him mindfuck me constantly.

And really there is no need for some of you to be so rude about it. I'm already upset as it is, so mission accomplished.
 
^ why did you post in slr? what were you expecting?

if you ask for opinions you're going to get them. you may get opinions with which you disagree or which appear to criticise you or your part in the relationship troubles. if you only want to hear opinions which validate you or agree with you, you may need to reconsider your participation...

on topic, what does he say when you you discuss these (kinds of) issues with him?

alasdair
 
A day reflecting about your life while sitting on the beach is probably more healthy for him at this time than hanging out with a woman who is a link to his past life of drugs and addiction. He is probably a nice enough guy to lie to you and save your feelings than tell you the truth (which by the sound s of would probably tip you into crazy town).
 
There seems to be a few problems in this whole relationship/situation.

I don't know much about rehab myself but it doesn't seem like a great idea for someone in rehab to have a girlfriend. How long have you been dating?? How serious is it? Just wondering.

He sounds a tiny bit like my ex. My ex was not in rehab and stuff but he did lie a bit. And say he missed me, wanted to see me, etc. but never actually made the effort. We had a great time when we WERE together. But when we were at separate college/unis (about 2 hr bus ride apart), he just wouldn't make the effort to come see me. Always making excuses. One of the final ones was that he said he had to study, lots of work, etc. so he couldn't visit one weekend. And then I called him the Saturday night, just to talk for a bit. His friend answered a phone and they were out drinking at a bar. I was like ... really? Why did he text that he was studying? I wasn't needy either but I wanted to spend time with him, maybe see him 2-3 times a month, I didn't (and still don't) think that is unreasonable.

Anyway, my point is that, he does seem to be lying, avoiding telling you things, etc. I'm sure you can find someone who is more into you. Who cares more for you. Who wants to spend more time with you. He doesn't really seem mature enough for your kind of relationship either. Why not break it off now before it hurts even more?
 
Relax.

Feel free to reciprocate his distance by blowing him off. Relationships are push and pull. It's not all rosy. This is a tough time.

Honestly I would just get some space, get him off my mind for a couple of weeks, maybe even a couple of months, and let him come back to you. If he doesn't then you know where you stand and have already taken measures to protect yourself.
 
I'm totally confused, since I followed the last thread.

I thought people in rehab were supposed to focus on themselves and not relationships, so that is why I had mentioned that getting into a relationship with someone in rehab I thought was generally frowned upon in rehab. But, that isn't to say it's never worked out for people.

I think, just from your posts, you are needing too much validation, and that is what is coming off as needy. I know what it's like to be head over heels with someone and want to see them all the time, but I think this is one of those instances where you have to separate the neediness of your own feelings and allow him to have a break. I'm sure it was a let-down that he didn't come see you after his two months, but he's probably in a weird frame of mind, and if I'm not mistaken, they teach you to focus on sobriety in rehab and control urges. You have to realize the guy is going through a hard time and at this point, you've only known each other for a couple of weeks, so you will take a backseat.

If he is lying about where he is going, then you might want to take that as a hint and realize you might be smothering him.

ETA: Llama also has a good point. Sometimes, we are more into someone than they are into us. It sucks, but that type of behavior is indicative of a dude just not being into you that much.

Of course, this being a forum, we can only see the black and white from the text, but I'm sure if you look at it for yourself, you know if he just needs a break or if he's not that into you.
 
This is the same dude that just lost his fiance four months ago? He's got healing to do in more ways than one. He may have had good reason for not being truthful about going to the beach. I would let him be for now and stop calling him. A little space goes a long way. If it's meant to be then it will happen but for now, he has a lot going on emotionally. Stop obsessing and leave him alone.
 
Hi burtonchic,

I registered just so that I could reply to this post. It sounds like you love your boyfriend, and you miss him very much. It's not easy to be away from someone who you hold so close to your heart, trust me I know. But you have to see it from his point of view. He is trying to get his life straight, and this is a very challenging time for him. Since you are registered on this website, I'm guessing that you, too, are into mind expansion and exploration if you know what I mean. Either that, or you guys have experimented in the past together. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm sure that he is trying to stay away from anything that could trigger his urges. Also, it sounds to me from reading this post that you are very attached to him.. and that you need to be validated by him. Like most young girls, you want him to give you attention. I'm thinking that he's finding it hard to carry the weight of both a relationship and rehabilitation. He is learning how to forgive himself for what he has done in the past, and he is also trying to retrain his mind to enjoy life while sober. I would suggest that you give him the space that he needs. I am sure that he will come back for you!! He loves you, he just needs space. He needs to not hear from you to miss you!! Give him the space, and have faith in him. This whole ordeal about the beach and him lying to you... it sounds more complicated than what you may believe it to be. Remember, to assume, is to make an ass out of you and me! Give it time, darling. He will recover, come back a new man, and everything will be great! Have some faith in humanity. There is good out there.
 
He is in rehab focusing on himself, he probably lies to you about dumb shit that he might think will upset you, I think this is clearly miscommunication, and you are kinda being selfish about this and yes I read it all, quit tripping and let him recover, if you 2 are meant to have a relationship afterwards it'll happen....... seriously not a good idea to smother him by pestering him to see you everyday. Some guys no matter how "in love" they are still need "ME" time or in this situation a recovery.
try and distance yourself a little bit, or you risk making it stressful enough for him to say "im done"
 
xburtonchic said:
I'll be honest, even at times when I say it I feel like I'm only saying it because I'm obligated to... because he says it first or whatever. Yes, other times I feel like I'm genuinely saying it from the heart, I told him this yesterday, by the way, and he didn't even seem to care.
Click to expand...

I'm not criticising you for being honest with your boyfriend, but if someone I loved and was making future plans with told me that sometimes they are faking when they tell me they love me, I would probably put some distance between us to protect myself.
 
All I can say is watch out for people with "commitment issues." They lever let you become close or like to be with you, but they don't let you go either. They'll crap on you and ignore you, but when you give up on them, they come back and they come back angry.
 
^ LOL That's actually very true. The only thing I disagree with is them coming back angry. My experience is they string you along and make extra effort when you're about to leave, but then it goes back to crap. Most people are gonna give someone a second chance for most stuff, but then you realize it keeps happening again, and again and again and again. lol

I've never had anyone come back at me angrily I don't think. Not that I can remember anyway. lol
 
Well, they come back, and they seem to like you...but they act angry toward you and they are angry with themselves for having problems...they eventually succeed in pushing someone away by doing this even though it is not their intention. It's like they can't have it or can't not have it either. They are a strange bunch.
 
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