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boyfriend being distant..

Shady Kaity

Shady Kaity

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 3, 2009
Messages
504
Location
dirty jersey
Okay, I've posted a few times in here about the issues my bf and I have. Can't remember if I've discussed this problem, but he hardly EVER wants to have sex anymore...this has been going on since maybe october r november. But its only gotten worse even though we've talked about it many times. But when we do have sex its awesome.
In the beginning of the relationship, we fucked like rabbits, and we were really kinky and expermental and adventurous. Now its just. Typical missionary sex for the most part (the sex is still great don't get me wrong)
I know he's depressed, from the very beginning he's always been down and very pessimistic for the most part. Anytime I try to initiate sex, he allways just says he's not really in the mood. And recently for the last few weeks I've felt like he's been distant from me emotionally and physically, even when we are together. It severely impacts my self esteem and makes me feell like he's not as interested anymre...even though he assures me he is and that he is in love with me. Which I do believe he is, I meN he wouldn't put ujp with all my baggage and such if he didn't right?
Anywho, a good example of me being yet again sexually rejected was just the other night. I was in class and sent him a straightforward sexy text saying "I want to suck your dick and have sex tonight :)" he responded by saying " U must hate me being the way i am. Normally i would lve to but i feel very strange. But that doesnt mean no realy" so I said clearly that means no lol. And just said no it doesn't. So I said yes it does. You feel strange meaning you won't be into it and won't enjoy it therefore you don't want to. And he asked why I was mad so I told him I'm not really mad, I just don't want you to get my hopes up by saying maybe, when its clearly a no. And he just changed the subject after.
Now as for him being distant...I feel like we haven't been as intimate and I don't even mean just sexually. He's been texting me less than usujal and spending more time away from me. And when we are together, he's usually playing video games and then when we do lay down together to relax and watch tv, we barely talk, there's minimal contact and its like even though we spend time together were not really interacting.
I tried to explain to him just tonight that it makes me feel really good to have meaningful physical contact with him such as cuddling hugging and such. Then I proceeded to try to read an article to him on the importance of physical contact in relationship. He immediately got extremely defensive. He asked in a "tone" of some sort why are you reading this to me? And I tim.idly said I just feel as if you've been distant lately. Then he got like annoyed and defensive and was like then why would I even be over here??? And I just was taken back by him acting kind of cold so I said I'm sorry, started crying and excused myself from the room. When I came back we didn't even really resolve anything...
Idk I'm very concerned..it really hurts my feelings and I don't know how to make it better...any insights, advice, comments, or words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. If anyone has taken the timme to read all this, I thank you for your time and patience.
 
He is depressed for some reason. He is aware he is not meeting your needs and this is adding to his depression.

Although I can entirely relate to your plight, you may need to let things go for a while before they get better, to take the pressure off.

Perhaps shelve the notion of sex for a fortnight and try to connect emotionally, figure out whats bothering him and how you can help, or what he is doing to help himself.

If at some point if you have done your best to help him out of his depression, his mood is not lifting, he has shut you out emotionally and sex is not forthcoming; then you may need to cut your losses.
 
He doesn't love you anymore - he is not showing himself love, and so he cannot show you love.

The most constructive option would be to break up with him, but this is just from my observations and my experience.

My ex fiance did this 4 years ago and I have never looked back - this action of hers really kicked me to do the right thing by myself, in order to get her back at first, but I didn't really want her, so it ended up just becoming my journey towards happiness. Hopefully this could be the same way for you, as I can only see him dragging you down, as you don't sound strong enough to deal with it and stick by him.
 
How do you know he doesn't love her? People go through highs and lows, it's not always going to be peaches and sunshine. Going through a low doesn't mean that the relationship is over. Sometimes things happen that cause people to become depressed (stresses with work and finances for example) but that doesn't mean it will be that way forever.

The way you handle the lows is what is going to determine if you both have what it takes to stand the tests of time. Communication is absolutely key. He needs to be able to talk and you need to be able to listen. He's clearly having some issues and maybe he's afraid to put them on the table. You should try to make him comfortable in talking to you. I would stop pressuring him for sex for awhile and focus on communicating.
 
^ you're BACK!

OK maybe he loves her - but what I mean is you can't really love someone the way they need if you can;'yt love yourself.

|This isn't highs and lows shit - this is depression, and the impacts of it on someone else;'s psyche.

Communication - great stuff...lots of it, you will probably get thru it if you push that - I know though that that's some hard shit to get over - being where he is...especially when you have co-dependency issues going on. It's hard to take a step nback.
 
Yup, I'm back. For the time being :)

Well, I don't think it's impossible to love someone whilst being depressed. I guess it depends on what your definition of depressed it (ie: chemical imbalance versus situational depression). Feeling down about things does not mean you can't express or feel love. No one feels perfect and on the up and up 100% of the time. Everyone goes through tough times, you just gotta dig your way out of it.
 
If he is depressed you should encourage him to see a counselor or psychiatrist. Once severe depression takes a hold of someone it causes that person to not want to do much of anything at all, including working on a relationship and having sex. He definetly needs professional help to find his way out of the black hole. Hang in there if you can but, if you can't no one would fault you for ending the relationship. Just remeber his depression isn't about you.
 
Yeah, were trying to get him to a psychiatrist...we've been trying to communicate...he says he really doesn't know why he's so depressed...I know he's stressed about finances, not working, and although he doesn't talk about it he's prolly depressed about his parents lack of support of him going to college and doing well and also he and his best friend haven't been close because his friend got heavyily back into hard drugs.
Its just really tough cuz I suffer from a multitude of psychological issues myself, on top of what appears to be lupus, so I'm in chronic pain and extremely fatigued for the last four months or so, which makes my depression worse. Ontop of not being on my medication for psych the last two weeks have been hell for us.
Hell often get angry at me for my lack of energy and such, and then I get super upset but I. Think its due to his lack of understanding of my phsyical pain and condition.
Sticking together is not our issue, we always get through everything. Just both of our problems are making things. Severely complicated. I just don't know how to handle it. I try to help him but I'm so overwhelmed with my own problems as well.
 
Trust me, he must be very depressed if he can turn down the text message that you sent him. Try to get him to talk about it, if not with you then with someone else.
 
Awww that sucks... Im a man and the last time I was distent from my ex was when I wasent intrested in her anymore this meens in no way that this is what its about. He seems depressed I know that kind of feeling I think. It lookes like he has no outlook on life. Have you ever talked to him about drugs or told him that he can trust you ? I meen It seems he is probably taking some sort of medication. If he werent intrested in you he wouldnt be at your house! See thats what I would do I would jsut not talk to my girl freind anymore and then after a few weeks Id break up. He wants you and he loves you Im quit sure of that from what you wrote that he said I can tell.

Ask him how he has been feeling latly and what he has been up to and try and slowly and carefully steer the conversation to drugs.

Do you know if he has ever taken drugs before?
 
Yes he used to do heroin. He's not on any medication and he knows he can trust me, we are both very open usually with each other.
He says he's in a good mood today so hopefully things will be okay today
 
He hasn't done heroin in probably nine or ten months, he's been on suboxone for about a year and a half. Had three relapses in the last year, last one being almost ten months ago.
Things seem to be looking up, though! He just got a job at an electric company near by. He's very excited about that. He just started school for electric in january and hasn't had a real job since so he's been broke the last few months. And I guess now that I think about it, maybe he was also depressed that I've been paying basically for everything for him. It use to be the other way around and he complains about how he's a "terrible" boyfriend cuz I pay for everything. Idk why he feels like that, maybe its the male ego or something? Idk.
But we had spontaneous sex on Monday, and today now that he got the job he. Wants to have sex again tonight :)
I hope that things stay this way! What do you guys think?
 
A similar situation happened to me with a gf of 2 years. for the first year and a half the sex was constant... Three times a day every other day with much foreplay in between. Then all of a sudden she became distant sexual wise although our relationship continued to thrive minus the sex life... but the reasoning for this was that she was cheating on me in attempts to piss me off after she found out about my drug use.. thats the kind of back stabbing NJ skanks ive had to deal with though.
have you asked him what his reasoning is?
 
yeah also.. one thing that really got my libido up is when I told my gf I didn't wanna have sex cuz I wasn't in the mood and she reply "Can I still suck your cock so you come in my mouth at least ?" .. that sealed the deal
 
I don't mean to be discouraging but I can sort of relate to this situation, and it didn't end well...about 4 months ago my ex started being pretty distant, we still had sex almost as much as before but like you, he didn't talk to me nearly as much and when we were together he'd always go home earlier/wouldn't talk much/would do something else at the same time etc. I asked him a few times if everything was okay between us and he assured me that yes, he told me he loved me etc. etc. Then a bit over two months ago he broke up with me, saying he just didn't feel that way about us anymore and he had been pretending he was fine for a couple months because he was hoping the feelings would come back, but they weren't (or some shit like that)...I mean I'm just talking from personal experience, I really hope that's not your situation but it reall is a possibility :( good luck!
 
i'd think he's either cheating on you or isn't interested anymore. i was in a similar situation, ended with me leaving. you've already made it clear that you want some lovin and you're STILL not getting it, that probably won't change. is he affectionate at all?
 
Yeah...just not as often. And when he is affectionate/intimate, it's like everything's back to normal...I guess it's just been the frequency of the attention that's e problem.
And we are going through a rough time. He opened up a little the other day and told me that my new found and unexpected health problems are stressing him out because he's constantly worrying about me, ontop of having bills and tickets to pay and having no job or money for a while now.
 
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