Mental Health Borderline Personality Disorder: the recipe for an addict?

[ElegiesOfDeath]

I've been diagnosed for 2 years, but have been dealing with this since I was 14. Ive been on about 7 different medicaions amd combinations, and frequently abrubtly stop medicines.

Borderline has a variety of symptoms, but the one I'm focusing on is impulse control. Or lack thereof.

When it came to self harm or drugs, I feel that I have absolutely no control over my impulses. The moment that first thoughtime comes into my brain, it's all over. When any drug. ANY DRUG is offered, is around, is available in anyway, I WILL get my hands on it. The only exception is if there is about 48 hours between the impulse and the actual act.

It's hard to explain the rationality, because well, there is none. For example) I visited my father in a different state and stayed there about a week. He has prescription drugs EVERYWHERE (no one in the house abuses them). Most are old, and unused. And I did them all. I knew I was going to regret it. I knew I would end up puking for hours. Eventually in a hospital. But at that time I almost felt that I was on auto pilot. As soon as I had the thought, I got up and did the drugs. Every time.

My typical usage is sudden, unplanned, and ends up becoming binges. I'm offered a drug (any drug. From heroin, to meth, to cocaine, to pills, to alcohol and marijuana) I buy it. A large amount usually. And I do it over and over and over until it's gone. This becomes a serious problem, like my current situation. I bought a 7g bag of meth, and I cannot stop.

I feel my disorder is the perfect storm to create an addict (of any kind). I feel weak and vulnerable, I crave to be in a different state of mind. Even if that state is more miserable than my current one. My impulses put me in extremely dangerous situations (self harm, suicidal, overdoses, runaway, and dealing with very dangerous people).

I'm just wondering how you guys deal with the impulses? I've had alot of professional help, and the advice is... just not generally good. I can't "just think about what it will do", because at that moment, I do not care. I only care about doing that impulse, everything else Is in the backseat. So what do I do?

 

[herbavore]

No matter what your diagnosis is you can definitely do very practical work on impulse control. Also, the good news is that no matter who you are by nature and no matter what your diagnosis is, this will naturally decrease with age as your frontal lobe fully develops. (I used to call myself the poster child for the undeveloped frontal lobe--my teens and early twenties were spent with no impulse control whatsoever.)

Learning to control your thoughts, to break thought patterns --even ones as persistent as, "I want it. I don't care what the consequences are. Fuck it." --can be changed but that change doesn't happen overnight. It's important to notice and make a big deal when you are successful. When you are not successful don't get fatalistic and tell yourself it is because of your diagnosis or just who you are or anything else that can act as a rationalization not to keep working at change. Take it one day at a time and set small goals. Be very conscious of your thoughts rather than just letting them race in all directions through your mind.

You are right that you are more vulnerable and I think it says a lot that you are feeling cautious or at least concerned. Keep nurturing that concern for yourself.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

It seems like you're searching for a quick fix and unfortunately that's not the case. I agree with above ^.

You gotta put in the work and actively make change. The professionals are there to help you find your way, but they can't make those changes for you. Find a therapist that you like, commit to them, commit to the process, and commit to change.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

That type of BPD impulse is what landed me in the hospital from an OD years ago...and it makes you have reckless behaviour...I really think growing a little older can help, but I'm still stuck in a shitstorm of addiction so what do I know... I see a therapist, I only take the anti-anxiety meds from a psychiatrist after decades of trying antidepressants. After decades of fighting, I'm tired. Very little desire to stick around, but every now and then something great happens, whether it's a new romantic interest or a music concert or TV show. I'm sorry you're struggling as well.

You don't want to OD and end up in a coma, as a vegetable or have a more fucked up life because of a suicide attempt and who knows what happens when we die? Hopefully nothing. That's the only crap that keeps me from doing something that would really kill myself.

 

[MrRoot]

If it helps you even persons who do think before acting will rationalize their asses off and end up addict if they aren't scared enough how things will become after using.

CBT will help as it goes further than just someone saying think about what it will do. You will learn new patterns for thinking in situations in which you choose whether to use or not.