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Bluelight dads - I'd love to hear your experiences

anna!

anna!

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 9, 2001
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Location
Melbourne, Australia
So, I'm pregnant. Again! This is one of those magical babies that is immune to birth control methods. I'm a bit more than 5 weeks at the moment and wrought with the agony of decision making.

The father of this baby (who is, on the whole, a wonderful man I'd like to spend the rest of my life with) is terrified. Beyond terrified. Immobilised by fear.

I was wondering if any dads here could share their experiences of becoming a father for the first time. I don't want to use this to manipulate his feelings on the situation, rather to give him a sense from other men (particularly those thrown in the deep end) of the reality. He is very one-sided in his pro-abortion view and I wonder whether part of that comes from having a misunderstanding of what it's really like. I have two daughters already (I was married for 5 years prior to meeting this guy) and know first hand the joy that they bring to my life, but he doesn't have that experience to draw on and imagines a lifetime of never sleeping, never seeing friends again and never having any money.

Not looking for persuasive essays ;) Just realities, and how it coincided (or didn't) with what you thought it would be like.

TIA.
 
I wasn't thrown in the deep end - my partner told me she wanted to have a child and I agreed. I also agreed again a few years later and now we have 2 boys (5 and 3).

That said - it was and still is pretty tough, but I don't regret it for 1 minute. Yes - my life has changed almost completely. I guess I didn't really think too hard about what it was going to be like before the fact - just figured I could deal with whatever came up and made a promise to myself that I would stay the course and do parenthood properly.

Basically I see a lot more of my friends who do have children and a lot less of my friends who don't. Thing is - I know it will all even out as the boys get older anyway - it's not going to kill me to miss out on a decade or two's worth of party action 8) no matter what I may think.

I have had an occasion in the past when my lover at the time fell pregnant (another "magic" baby ;) ) - I didn't feel our relationship was that strong so it was with some trepidation that I said "whatever you decide, I'll support you with that decision". I was relieved when she said she wanted a termination..

But just to repeat my first point - being a father is hard, but also amazing. I'm glad to be a father now and I can't imagine life being any other way
 
Anna! Wow, you are the Goddess of Fertility! 8o

I'm not a mom; I am a daughter of a father who swore he didn't want kids for similar reasons (and the ever-present "why bring a child into the broken world" mentality). My mother really wanted children, so my dad reluctantly "agreed" to have me. He said that it didn't click with him that he wanted a child until the day I was born, and then he never looked back because my birth did change his life forever, for the better.

I have a great relationship with my dad 28 years later. :)

I would recommend that you both give the idea time to sink in. How will this affect your two daughters, also?
 
Hi Anna, I'm obviously not a man or a dad lol but I have been unexpectedly pregnant before. I personally chose abortion, but I just wanted to say good luck and much support in whatever you choose. :) *hug*
 
I'm a little confused - what's the difference between this child and the two you already have??? Does he never have any interaction with them? I'm not trying to be naive, I wonder if I'm just missing something. I guess some guys do just freak out when it's *their* sperm, though...

But my dad is a great example if he really needs to hear it. My dad is a man's man. A man's man's man. He NEVER wanted kids. And this has never been a secret. I've heard it from him, as well as just about damn near everyone in my family... 8) He had to give up his computer room to make way for the coming baby when my mom got pregnant, and they had been married for 6 years before I came along - he thought he was getting off scot free, and he was ragingly pissed when he found out. But...=D The second he saw me, his whole life changed. He fell in love *instantly* - look up "daddy's girl" in the dictionary, and my picture is there. :) On kind of a crappy-but-lovely-at-the-same-time note, the only time I have EVER seen my dad shed a tear was at my bedside in the hospital after overdosing. He is the only person in my life that I have ever *known* has cared about me. He's an awesome dad, and he now absolutely loves kids. Now that most of my cousins are getting older (I'm the oldest of a HUGE family), he fuckin plays with and baby talks to my cat, cuz there's no one else left... lol :D It's freakin adorable. Okay, yeah, your guy probably doesn't ever want to even consider someone indirectly calling him potentially adorable, but if my dad went from hating kids to not being able to get enough, I think it highlights my point pretty well. :)
 
rant*N*rave said:
I'm a little confused - what's the difference between this child and the two you already have??? Does he never have any interaction with them? I'm not trying to be naive, I wonder if I'm just missing something. I guess some guys do just freak out when it's *their* sperm, though...
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Are you serious?

Theres a huge difference.

Anna! or someone else with kids could probably explain it better than me, but the whole responsibility for another human thing springs to mind. The older kiddies have a father who is responsible for them already, theres a massive difference in the boyfriends role in their lives!
 
I had my son when I was 20. I wasn't really scared at all, but I also was under the impression that the mother was who I was going to raise a family with. Now I'm 26 and my girlfriend is pregnant. Although I don't show her that I'm nervous, I'm much more scared now than I was with my first-- but thats only because I've been through a divorce, insane amounts of child support/alimony and legal fees. Not really wanting to go through it again, but heres hoping.
 
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rant*N*rave said:
I'm a little confused - what's the difference between this child and the two you already have??? Does he never have any interaction with them?
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The difference is that if I recall correctly, this man of Anna's was/is about to embark on his lifelong dream of seeing the world. This child represents the death of all his plans for his life.

Which isn't to say he can't make new plans, but imagine this: all the possible dreams you have for your life are irreversibly altered by a decision you no longer have control over. I don't blame the guy for being skittish.
 
Are you serious?

Theres a huge difference.
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Yeah I agree, there is a huge difference. I was with my ex for a year and we lived together, and he had full custody of his then 4 year old son.

I never viewed his son as MY son, I mean I cared for him sure, but it's way different, that connection just isn't there as he wasn't MINE, so yeah, if my ex had knocked me up it wouldn't have been like I'd just say: "Oh well, you already got one so whats the difference?"

Then again I don't want children for a VERY long time if ever, so it would depend a lot on the persons viewpoints on having kids in the first place.
 
At age 17 I entered into an Arranged Marriage with a 15 y.o. girl I saw only for 15 minutes before we wed. Even then I did not see her face. We had, in very quick secession 3 boys and one girl, but one of the boys had a congential Jewish birth defect and he died not too long after.

The other 2 boys and my daughter all served Infantry, just like me. My boys were and are Golani. Were because the oldest did his mandatory 3 years and is now in university while his younger brotjher is in his 4th year because he turned pro due to an elite assignment, a real career builder. My baby girl served her mandatory 2, for Karakul, the world's only gender intergrated combat element, formerly under direct commdn of my Brigade, NACHAL but now redeployed/

Karakul, which means "Little Cheetah" man sensitive border posts and crossings on the Jordanian and Egyptian Borders.

Golani are like Marines, first in, last out type of thing and specialise in amphibious landings.
 
Wow, everyone, could you please crawl out of my throat for a second??? You jumped down it pretty quick there... lol

I acknowledged that it's different when it's YOUR kid, but I do find it kind of odd that he would get in a relationship with a woman that already has two kids but then all of a sudden freak out *completely* when he might have one of his own. When you get in a committed relationship with a woman that has kids, you're not going to have *zero* role in their lives... There's also the fact that Anna! mentioned his staunch position on abortion (I have no sympathy for men that feel that way and still have sex - if you *absolutely do not* want babies, *absolutely do not* have sex. My dad broke this rule. He ended up being happy with the result though, which was my main message.). I wanted Anna to answer my question, because if she said, like many have suggested, that he doesn't have much of a role in her daughters' lives, then his position would make a little more sense, but I will still refer you back to point A...
 
Fallen1 said:
The difference is that if I recall correctly, this man of Anna's was/is about to embark on his lifelong dream of seeing the world. This child represents the death of all his plans for his life.

Which isn't to say he can't make new plans, but imagine this: all the possible dreams you have for your life are irreversibly altered by a decision you no longer have control over. I don't blame the guy for being skittish.
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Yep, that's pretty much where he's coming from. I don't blame him either, not at all. Having said that, asking a hormonal pregnant woman to have an abortion for someone so that they can ultimately leave her doesn't go down all that well either ;) I don't know where my loyalties are - I want him to have a great life and I don't want to "ruin" it, so I feel I should have an abortion. But having an abortion for someone else's sake is just asking for trouble, emotionally :\

rant*N*rave said:
I acknowledged that it's different when it's YOUR kid, but I do find it kind of odd that he would get in a relationship with a woman that already has two kids but then all of a sudden freak out *completely* when he might have one of his own. When you get in a committed relationship with a woman that has kids, you're not going to have *zero* role in their lives... There's also the fact that Anna! mentioned his staunch position on abortion (I have no sympathy for men that feel that way and still have sex - if you *absolutely do not* want babies, *absolutely do not* have sex. My dad broke this rule. He ended up being happy with the result though, which was my main message.). I wanted Anna to answer my question, because if she said, like many have suggested, that he doesn't have much of a role in her daughters' lives, then his position would make a little more sense, but I will still refer you back to point A...
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It is very, very different. The boyfriend and I don't live together, so the interaction he has with my children is on a far more superficial level. And, they're preschoolers, so when he does stay over there's no changing nappies, no waking up in the night, etc. When I met him, my youngest was nearly 3.

My girls adore him, but I think part of that is because of the superficiality of their interaction - when he's around, we do fun stuff. And he can give them back at the end of the day, he doesn't yell at them, he's always happy to see them. It's much more similar to having cute nieces than it is to having children of his own.

His position on abortion is one of contention with me as well, but there isn't an awful lot that can be done about it beyond abstaining. I get pregnant at the drop of a hat. We use protection, if I think I'm ovulating too close when we had (protected) sex, I take the morning after pill. I still get pregnant. This is the second time I've been pregnant to him - I had an abortion last year because we'd only known each other for a couple of months and everything was a disaster (recent marriage breakdown, angry parents, living arrangements, etc.). The upshot of that is that me having an abortion is now his expectation. He assumes I will "take care of it".

At any rate, thanks for sharing your experiences :) Now, back to wishing I was dead :D
 
The best kind of kids are the ones you can give back at the end of the day :D

Does he have any male friends or relatives with kids that went through something similar? I'm guessing you probably already thought of that though... Could part of the reason he's being so freaked out about it be because he just expects that you would "take care of it" and he's just not allowing himself to think of the positives of having a kid because he's so worked up about you potentially not getting an abortion in the first place? I know if I were the guy and you had had an abortion the first time this happened, I would probably not be thinking about the possibility of having a kid (not that that's okay!!!), and then hearing this news would probably be extra shocking as a result...

Perhaps you can also remind him that the baby years aren't forever, and if he likes your girls, he'll probably like a kid of his own even more, and babysitters make the world go round. I made a small fortune as a middle and high schooler taking care of kids so people could go about their hard-partying ways. :) There was a family that practically considered me a fourth child (and fifth after they had their fourth!) because I spent so much time at their house - their youngest daughter didn't remember life without me around! And goddamn will I tell you... some of these folks were some serious hedonists. There were very few families I worked for that didn't have as much going-out time as they wanted, and they were very hard-working, driven, well-off people that had *lots* of obligations beyond their children. I have yet to meet a family that wasn't completely happy with their kids. Even my aunt and uncle, whose three children were all "accident" babies.
 
Sounds like a tough decision. Im not a father, and i don't know your personal circumstances like the back of my hand, but please consider his view and feelings on the subject. You sound like you are and that is truly fantastic but in my experience too many men get left out of the equation, as soon as a woman becomes pregnant the ball is in her court. It's a daunting time for both of you and if he truly doesn't want it then i think you should listen to him.

I can only imagine how hard it would be if he freaked out after the baby was born and still took off overseas anyway. People can do funny things when put under immense pressure, think of the long term.

Either way, i hope it all works out for you.
 
I was already looking forward to being a father when my wife got pregnant, and I was still "immobilized with fear." We thought it would take a lot longer to get pregnant than it did. We got married in Sept. and conceived in Jan. We thought kids would still be a couple of years down the road.

I think money was my biggest concern. I just couldn't see a way that we would make it work. That turned out to be no problem. I've had the three best financial years of my life since that day. I just naturally got more focused on my work, and I've been doing very well professionally. The budget also seems to fall together. You won't go out as often that's true, but you'll save a lot of money in the process. Diapers are cheap compared to night at the bar.

I remember being worried about my youth ending. I wasn't quite ready to leave the party behind. That's really not been a problem either. My wife and I still get out on occasion, but I really prefer my nights at home. Hanging out at my place with my family is a good time.

It's not a walk in the park. The sleeping thing was hell for the first 6 months. I wish I could spend more time with my wife. We do a lot of divide and conquer. Tonight she's at school. Tomorrow I'll be working late. That's been the hardest part.

Watching the child is easy! I love it. It's not hard to entertain children. Right now my daughter is running around the house naked playing with laundry. Now she's running with the basket on her head. I've had a great evening tonight, and all I did was hang out with her. Played with the truck, dug a hole, colored in the garage, watched some Dora, bath, nakie time. It's not hard work. It's one of the more peaceful things I do.

I can't really convey the experience of having a child. I can tell a story, but he just wouldn't really understand. I think it's a chemical change that happens as you spend time with your child. It becomes addicting.
 
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Anna: would you consider carrying the pregnancy to term and making arrangements for adoption? What are your views on that third option?
 
anna! said:
.

....a lifetime of never sleeping, never seeing friends again and never having any money.
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Never is a final word, but the honest answer is at the beginning you don't sleep, see your friends as much, and are short of money. It is scary if you have never had to look after small child, let alone a newborn. If both of you are new to it then there is also the added stress of caring for the mother as well.

Unless you are a heartless monster, something just kicks in and you don't really care. Swinging in a hammock while they sleep on your lap suddenly becomes more enjoyable than drinking with the boys down the pub.

But it does get easier with every month. Perhaps the kids learns the rules, or perhaps the parents learn the game, but slowly your life does return. By the time 12 months comes around you are able to return to some sort of normal, except for the little sponge at your feet ;)

Without sounding harsh Anna, it doesn't sound like your man is ready. It wasn't that long ago he was willing to walk away from you for an extended period of time. I too have many lifelong dreams, but lives change and unless you plan on living it alone, you have to compromise and adapt these dreams to be with the ones you love. You have been here before and are confident in doing it again. Maybe it is time for your man to experience some more hands on "fathering" of his child's sisters. Perhaps being sheltered has ment he has no confidence in being a dad.

My girlfriend has had a family thrust upon her (a 2 year old and a 6 year old), and despite constantly warning of the realities of child rearing, I know the first long stretch of them staying with us still came as a shock to her. I try not to expose her to the role of "mother", (if we weren't together I would care for them by myself on my alloted days), so there are no nappies, preparing meals or having to clean up vomit. Every other week her home is over taken and over run. Even though they aren't her children, I can see an incredible bond developing between them. As much as she is impressed with my fathering skills, I am equally impressed how quickly she has picked up her new life. I'm just really lucky this amazing women has entered my life with her eyes and heart open. <3
 
Hmmm, the man she madly loves is leaving her for a year or two to amuse himself, and she just HAPPENS to get pregnant now?

*cough*
 
^ He's not leaving for another 12 months or so, and at this stage only for 3 months. I would hardly sacrifice a) the life of an unborn child of mine or b) mine or someone else's lifelong happiness for the sake of keeping him here against his will 8) I'm not a moron and I would never toy with a life in that way, or use it as a bargaining chip. Ever. I love the kids I have too much to consider that to be a suitable way to treat a child.

As I mentioned above, I get pregnant despite my best efforts - this is the sixth time I've been pregnant: 2 children, 2 miscarriages and one abortion. My mum was the same, she ended up having a hysterectomy.

Jill, I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could have the two children I already have and then give up another. I'd rather just raise the additional child on my own, I think.

Busty, thanks for your input. I agree, I don't think he's ready at all. He flees from responsibility like he's being chased by lions.

I guess I just really don't want to have an abortion, and I wish we weren't in this situation (again) :\ Fucking ovaries man.
 
do you use condoms plus other protection? if you know you are that fertile..

whatever. you have the choice - the future person does not have a choice.

do what is best FIRST - for the fetus, then you. if the fetus is brought into a life of turmoil i would question it. personally i would never give up a child for adoption nor adopt one

best of luck.
 
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