BL Friends I need some Heroin Support

[Get2Think]

Hi guys, mods I wasn't sure if this was TDS or BDD material so please move accordingly. Anyways, I'm positing because I was doing really well on suboxone for 4-5 months. Things were great I passed my college classes, ran all the time, and got a new girlfriend. So being so happy and excited I decided to get some <snip> H. This was 3 days ago and I have been using everyday since.

Now my probley is, especially with H. Is I can't take days off or do every other day even though thats what I want so bad. I live with my parents and they are onto me and now there is a lot of drama around the house distracting me from my schoolwork and also now I may have to move out by the end of the month because they are diehard AA people because it "cured" my addict cousin.

I have so much going for me, and I'm set to graduate from University this June, but I took a huge risk getting the H when in the past it's caused me so much problems. And it's already causing some problems but I know that if I can just tuck it away for a future date I could smooth everything out with my parents and just get back on track. Ideally I want to save the H for after I graduate, a celebration type thing.

The problem is, I told myself last night that I was going to not use today, But I woke up and my nose was all plugged up with bloody boogers, and I skipped classes because I felt like total crap. One good thing though is I havent taken any Suboxone in like 3-4 days and I'm using the H to get off the Suboxone, because it was time as I was approaching the 6 month mark and wanted off the stuff. But once I start using everyday, the snowball begins to roll and in the past I would just use and use and use (causing destruction along the way) until I ran out and either got more, or suffered with WD's. I really do not want to get more, I want to save what I have left for a rainy day.

So Bluelighters I need your help, I need your support, I can't do this alone because as much as I say I will take a break. I know tommorow I'll use, it's just what I do. But I need you guys to be my lifeline, and encourage me to save my stuff for after college and when everything in my life is great. So I'm gonna keep coming back to this post, and although I will continue using H today, tommorow morning I'm hoping the support I get from you guys will help me not use. And I know that if I can just not use 1 day, I will be able to not use for a long time. It's just stopping that everyday H cycle which is the problem. Any support will be much appreciated and I will check this post religiously, and first thing tomorrow before I use, which IM HOPING will prevent me from using again, making it like 4 days IN A ROW. Much love bluelight.

 

[twotoomany]

You've gotten through day one before. You can do it again! I'm gonna be about a week behind ya. After day three, you KNOW it gets better. Get your college done while you can!

 

[herbavore]

Hi guys, mods I wasn't sure if this was TDS or BDD material so please move accordingly. Anyways, I'm positing because I was doing really well on suboxone for 4-5 months. Things were great I passed my college classes, ran all the time, and got a new girlfriend. So being so happy and excited I decided to get some black tar H. This was 3 days ago and I have been using everyday since.

You were starting to see how you could be "happy and excited" without heroin. That is what you need to continue doing. The fact that you are risking everything from your graduation to your relationship with your girlfriend to the relationship with your parents and re-dosing for 3 days straight should be enough to make you question your priorities.

Now my probley is, especially with H. Is I can't take days off or do every other day even though thats what I want so bad. I live with my parents and they are onto me and now there is a lot of drama around the house distracting me from my schoolwork and also now I may have to move out by the end of the month because they are diehard AA people because it "cured" my addict cousin.

There are probably a handful of people out of all the millions that have tried this drug that could actually do that over any amount of time. I have seen you yourself try to convince others of the folley of that idea. I think you are deluding yourself with that possibility.

I have so much going for me, and I'm set to graduate from University this June, but I took a huge risk getting the H when in the past it's caused me so much problems. And it's already causing some problems but I know that if I can just tuck it away for a future date I could smooth everything out with my parents and just get back on track. Ideally I want to save the H for after I graduate, a celebration type thing.

Making heroin your reward is a very dangerous mind-fuck.

So Bluelighters I need your help, I need your support, I can't do this alone because as much as I say I will take a break. I know tommorow I'll use, it's just what I do. But I need you guys to be my lifeline, and encourage me to save my stuff for after college and when everything in my life is great. So I'm gonna keep coming back to this post, and although I will continue using H today, tommorow morning I'm hoping the support I get from you guys will help me not use. And I know that if I can just not use 1 day, I will be able to not use for a long time. It's just stopping that everyday H cycle which is the problem. Any support will be much appreciated and I will check this post religiously, and first thing tomorrow before I use, which IM HOPING will prevent me from using again, making it like 4 days IN A ROW. Much love bluelight.

I do not think anyone here is going to encourage you to "save it for a rainy day". I know I'm not. You have so much going for you: you are smart and introspective and you have a supportive family, you are in school and you have a relationship that you feel good about. You are putting all that at risk by listening only to the part of you that wants the high, shutting out all the knowledge you have about what is really happening here. I think you need to get clear on how you are going to deal with your addiction. Fooling yourself into thinking you can use heroin for celebrations, etc, is where you need to start.

 

[Get2Think]

Well guys I woke up today and first thing on my mind was heroin. So I used despite spending most of yesterday so convinced that I wasn't. I swear once I start using H and that ball begins rolling I cannot stop until the stash runs out. So now I'm thinking, just do super small amounts and still go about my day to day business much like I did while I was on suboxone. Different opiate, but same idea.

And herbavore you make a lot of excellent points, one of the things that really stuck out was not being able to save it for a rainy day. I thought some people could do this? I think what I'll do tommorow is take suboxone first thing in the morning so that way I'm forced to not use ant H and I know if I do that for a couple days, I'll be able to save the rest of the H for a future, better time, like a celebration or something. Or just when lifes going really good and I want to feel absolute bliss.

 

[stardust.hero]

You are a wonderful person from the moment we first spoke you had such inspiration. We're in this together. Remember what I told you about benzos though. You can get it back together don't let your mind trick you into thinking everything is falling apart and so it's worth it to give up completely.

 

[Get2Think]

Thank you stardust, you are such a precious friend to me and I have taken your benzo advice liked we talked about. Thank you. My problem is I treat H like a can of pringles, once I pop I can't stop. I failed my goal of this morning abstaining from H, but tommorow is a new day to try and slow my role with the stuff.

 

[RedLeader]

Do you think the Suboxone helped you stay clean for that time, or was it more like will-power and circumstances, and you were on subs for other people? You mentioned using heroin to get off of Suboxone, so it does seem like you don't want to be on it long-term (don't blame you). Anyway, you are four days off of Suboxone and four days onto h. At this point, I doubt you would feel h withdrawal for more than 48 hours, so you could use today, try and go 20 hours or so without anything, take a dose of Suboxone, maybe a pinch more around hour 36, and then try and go the distance (perhaps with some immodium and sleeping meds). From a logistical standpoint, using h to detox Suboxone kinda works, it is just that h is so addictive.

What dose of Suboxone were you on?

I got clean 15 months ago, posted on TDS all last year trying to help others, relapsed hard in late October and then really slipped back into old irrational ways of thinking. I could write up some big long point about not risking everything you have, but I know where you are at right now, and I don't really know if it would work. What I will say is that heroin will always be around, but the ability to use it without getting strung-out won't be if you keep using daily. It is only more of that soul-crushing hollowness and physical pain. Right now you are obsessed with it again and it seems like the only thing that matters. But that is how heroin is supposed to work. You cannot have the good without that shit. But it is only temporary. Two weeks tops without it and I promise you that you will again see this from the outside.

Sometimes I think that of the 7 billion people on this planet, I crave h more than anyone else. I mean I freakin' love heroin. And I also get real scared whenever I try and stop. But I almost to a month and I am not dead or too depressed to function. The fog is temporary. If I found my way out of the woods, you can too.

 

[madagasqar]

i'm at a start of the recovery process at the moment. tomorrow i plant to kick the heroin for good using sub. and i know, and i am afraid, thag first day is so incredibly hard. you have my full support!

 

[Mehm]

" I'm going to quit tomorrow" is the mantra of every addict I've ever known. Death, prison, homeless, or sober. Those are the options. My advice is to flush that poison down the toilet and get some non chemical help before you loose it all.

Edit - I didn't realize who was posting... I guess the beer didn't work out to well. Are you powerless over alcohol yet? Call your sponsor man. You already know what you need to do.

 

[Get2Think]

I've totally forgotten about this thread I've been too busy doing H on a daily basis. Among many other wonderful things and H just makes life that much more enjoyable except sex, which is annoying as hell on H because you cannot cum. So anyways here is my update:

I couldn't take a break last time I had H, so I figured I would just use it all up and then that would force me into the break I need to keep all the good things going that I achieved during my 5 months of sobriety (suboxone.) So the H ran out, and I kid you not I immediately took suboxone and then proceeded to drive an hour and a half with no guarentee of getting H but I got lucky and my connect was able to get me more.

So I'm about half through this 2nd stash, and I've still been trying to live normally and take care of all my responsibilities but obviously its a lot harder when you can't keep your eyes open. My parents know I'm on the shit again and are begging me to just admit it and get help, but I keep insisting that I'm fine and that I'm not on anything and that they should stop trying to bring up the past because I'm a changed man. Or so I thought....

I wish I had something other than the truth to report. The truth is, H has its claws into me deep again. I keep living in this fantasy where everything turns out okay and I finally decide to get back on suboxone and save the H for very special occasions. But this is all fantasy and not what I do. What I do is use every bit up and then immeditely check my bank account to see jf I can go get more. I guess I just keep thinking I'll develop severe self-discipline overnight but the junk is addicting holy shit. The ritual, the smells, the black stains on my fingers and of course the rush and instant pleasure. Fuck....I have midterms coming up and really have a few options but they all suck or are realistic.

1)I throw everything away and delete my contacts number, and go back to life before on suboxone. I think I'll need suboxone to not rellapse and it worked really well before and helping me get my life together.

2) I could continue using daily until I overdose, run out = getting more, and let H dig its claws in deeper and deeper. Start noticing my mental and physical state decline and experience more and more consequences.

3) I could try and get on suboxone and hold on to the last of my H but save it for very special occasions and celebrations.


I have been taking my wellbutrin and klonnopin as prescribed and I'll let you guys know if I'm able to lock away the H for a future date and just take a much needed break. I don't have any desire to quit alcohol or get back into recovery because its abstinence only and that no longer appeals to me. I think if I'm going to have to live as an alcoholic/addict the rest of my life I should at least enjoy the pleasure of behaving like one now and again. I'm not ready to give up and be powerless again. I still have the insanity of thinking if only I could adjust this, that, or the other, all the pieces would fall into place and I would be able to be decently happy. Hahaha I know I have just unlocked the flood gates of people just ready to tell me "it can't be done" and "there is no such thing as a recreational heroin user."

Its okay. I read every post and appreciate all opinions even those that I don't agree with. Much love bluelight, and I'll keep sharing on how my dance with mr. brownstone is going. I'm going to try and not use H this weekend, thats my goal. I'll be back next week to report success or failure.

 

[Get2Think]

Well as convinced I wouldn't use this morning the same thing happened that always happens. I wake up and took my morning shot of H like I was on autopilot. This drug is impossible for me to not use everyday and it's unreal how addicting it is. I love opiates and esp. H to take with my morning coffee and dose of klonnopin (im well aware of the dsngers). It sucks being addicted again but I'm really enjoying this run, and ill have suboxone to help me when run out. I'm gonna try and save some of the H but its not like weed or pills wjere I can do that. I just keep using the shit till its gone. Anyways, please no commentd telling me what a dummy I am.

 

[Swimmingdancer]

Can you please try to be a little less glorifying in the way you talk about heroin? It could be triggering for other people who are trying to stay clean. We understand its allure, I don't think it serves a purpose to go on about how enjoyable it is.

I really think you're kidding yourself about option 3 being a possibility. I have never heard of anyone who is addicted to heroin being able to stop and save the dope they already have for future special occasions. For me what worked to help me stick to the decision to quit heroin was deleting my dealers' numbers from my phone, cutting off contact with anyone who who be able to connect me with dope, changing my number so a dealer couldn't call me, and moving to a different town where I didn't know where/how to score (I understand the latter is not very feasible for most people though). In moments of weakness where I was craving, having done those things really saved me, because when you know you can just easily call up the dope delivery service - let alone when you have dope in the house! - it's just too difficult to resist when you are craving and makes the cravings way worse and longer-lasting. But making it hard for myself to use was only one part, I also did a lot of work on my mental addiction, learned how to recognize and cope with cravings instead of just reacting on autopilot, got some support from people in my life, etc. I really hope you go back on Suboxone and at least delete your dealer's number so it's harder for you to obtain more - I don't have high hopes for you flushing the drugs you already have, I've only ever seen people do that in movies, but saving it for a rainy day? C'mon, you know that's never gonna happen. And trying to do that is like torturing yourself IME.

 

[smokemctoke420]

obviously number 3 is not a option. you showed that in this thread earlier when you "were gonna save it", or "not get more" and like 2 times you got more right away and you still think you can save it? your parents are calling out and your blantantly denying it? THEY FUCKING KNOW DUDE, you cant hide it anymore.

also, when you talk about using it as a celebration are you being sarcastic or did i just read something that stupid? who are you kidding? your not gonna be able to hold onto it that long and even if you do your gonna celebrate it by fucking up and going right back down in your little shithole? come on, get it together dude. jesus.

 

[Mehm]

LOL to this glorifying heroin. The whole situation makes me cringe. Hopefully his parents kick him out for being such a lying leach. Where are you getting the money for your drugs anyways?