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Bit crude, but women can be selfish lovers too!

captaincaveman

captaincaveman

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 30, 2007
Messages
246
Location
london
Hey peeps,

Don't usually post in here so if this is highly inappropriate then Mods please remove! I've been seeing this girl for a little while and at first the physical side was great. She was surprised by how gentle I was, I have a reputation both professionally and socially (used to box) as a bit of a tough nut. Anyway that was nice but now she likes certain things, can't come through intercourse so I spend my time pleasing her (which I enjoy doing). But sometimes when she's satisfied she just kisses me and goes to sleep. What the fuck! A bit selfish I reckon, not sure how to raise it in conversation. We were up all night last night doing various things but she thinks I'm great at giving head so that's my role! Also she's poly so this can go on forever. Anyway,sorry for graphic nature of this post, my pals say I should just show her who's boss but I've never been like that. Any tips would me greatly appreciated!

CC
 
women can be selfish lovers too!
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Is that a revelation? Of course they can. You sort of seem to be letting this happen, how is it that it's been a repeat occurrence? To me, it sounds like she's using you, getting head from someone and then falling asleep with no regard to their pleasure is an inconsiderate and disrespectful way to treat them. If I'm honest, it doesn't sound like you're respecting yourself a great deal. Don't stand for it, stick up for yourself.
 
Okay, I don't think she means to be selfish. But you're right she is being. Maybe she thinks I get off doing it (which I do) but as I've never voiced my concerns maybe she thinks that's what I want? Don't know, I really like her and we get on great. It's going to be a difficult one to bring up but yeah, I've had enough. She's had selfish lovers in the past so maybe its payback time but we genuinely connect so doubt she's that cold. I think she might be under the impression that me pleasuring her is all I want but come on, man to man, there's got to be a bit of give and take surely?
 
she might be under the impression that me pleasuring her is all I want
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Really? Try and imagine the shoe on the other foot. A woman giving a man head every night, when he's done he just goes to sleep. Do you believe that there's a man who thinks that's how you satisfy a woman? Would you consider that woman to be happy, fulfilled, and healthy in terms of self-esteem? If that woman told you it was fine because of the emotional connection, would you reconsider, or think she was being manipulated? Your girl knows exactly what she's doing, don't let her carry on getting away with it.
 
You'll have to ask her why she's doing this, but I agree with Vader. She knows what she's doing.
 
...best way to make this work to her attention. Bring her to almost there and then stop.

And then do that again, like 2 or 3 times. Then stop and go home. If you are already home, ask her to leave.

That should make things right for all parties properly concerned.
 
Could it be a kink? Ms.G and Nova do this to me a lot....but they openly admit it's a kink/fetish and I oblige without complaining most of the time. But it's not every time.

If it's every time and she doesn't tell you why, I'd be pissed too.
 
Ok well thanks for that Lysis, didn't mean to patronise just never really happened I suppose. Of course they can but all I hvae to go is what ex-partners have told me. Men might be a tad embarassed to admit this no? I sure as hell am but thanks, I think! Cheerio, that is the best thing I've heard but still a bit cold. Vader, yeah you're right but this is a really recent thing. Only happened 2 or 3 times and always on a 'school night'. I say school we're both 30 (well she's 28) and mean we've got work the next day.

I might have a slightly romanticised view of women as being creatures incapable of the selfish acts of men, here I admit I'm a little green (bit worrying considering I'm 30). We had to have a big talk about my drug use and I'm really fearing this is my penance! I don't get loaded anymore but when we worked together I would constantly turn up wasted on smack, considering I was a lateral hire from another magazine brought in above her she must have been pissed off. So I'll put with a sore jaw maybe one more time then lay down the law!

Cheers peeps,
 
As mods I believe you are held to a higher standard, therefore acting that way was kind of rude.
 
Have you really talked to her about it??? Like really talked to her? Maybe she doesn't understand that you need more. If I were you, I wouldn't be immature and just stop partway through. Or stop going down on her. Just talk to her about it. See if you can reach a compromise. I'm sure you can figure something out :)
 
Lysis said:
Why thank you for letting me know women can be selfish lovers too. I had no idea.
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I found that rather rude. I mean, if a user had said something like that it wouldn't have been a huge deal, but yeah the fact "Moderator" is underneath the username made it kind of rude. Obviously not everyone is up to the same speed, or have the same experience with women.

I don't mean to start anything, so after this I won't say anything about it. That for one just bugged me, and you could see in OP's response he found it not so nice either.
 
I really think she is NOT doing this to be spiteful or anything like that, it sounds like you two have a real connection and demonising her is completely pointless. I understand you may be embarrassed but I can promise you that she will appreciate you mentioning it (if done in the right way). And when you do, don't say it in an accusatory way, casual and even playful is best. Don't get her defences up and make it a big deal, just maybe remind her how gorgeous she is and how good she is at making you feel good...or how you're so excited by the idea of ravishing her or something.
 
Well thanks guys. I brought it up and that's it. She said considering she (totally clean professional) was even going out with a 'fucking junky' who did I think I was? Not blaming bluelight, had to be said, but I was lucky to have found her and now that's gone. Extreme reaction I think but she's pretty anti drug and when I fessed up to my drug history which is quite recent to be honest, she couldn't handle it. I feel like because of some life choices which weren't great I have to put up with being treated like an object. I knew I shouldn't have told her everything but she suspected and seemed to like me. Well that's over, now getting lovely texts saying 'you shouldn't pretend to be a normal guy when you're so fucked up'. I feel a major relapse coming on but that would just prove her point. Thought I'd turned a corner but maybe she's right. On paper, I'm a respectable guy with loads going for him but scratch the surface and I'm just a junky. Oh well. Again Bluelight, thanks as although this is not nice, better to find out how someone looks at you now. Why did I level with her.......?
 
She said considering she (totally clean professional) was even going out with a 'fucking junky' who did I think I was?
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That's just a horrible opinion, you're better off without her, sort of backs up my point about her not respecting you.
I was lucky to have found her and now that's gone.
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I know it feels that way now, but you weren't lucky to have her, she didn't respect you or care about you, she was using you and now is being vindictive and cruel. One day you'll be with someone who values and respects you for the person you are, and you'll look back and be happy that you got out of this when you did.
'you shouldn't pretend to be a normal guy when you're so fucked up'
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Again, just vile. What a fucking bitch, if you'll pardon my French. You are obviously a very sensitive and caring person, which is more than can be said for her. Honestly mate, I'm pretty angry right now and I don't even know either of you. The thing to do now is absolutely not to relapse. If anything, this is when you focus on really taking care of YOUR needs (because there definitely hasn't been enough of that recently). Stay clean, eat well, exercise, be healthy. Imagine yourself bumping into her in the street- would you rather be pale, gaunt, and strung out, and have her feel smug and vindicated, or be a gleaming, golden Adonis and have her realise what a mistake she made? Good riddance to bad rubbish mate, I'm sorry that you're obviously hurting, but it really is for the best. Obviously I'm an internet anon, but if you want to talk about this then I'm here to listen.
 
Cheers Vader, I appreciate that I really do. But I somehow felt normal being with her, going out to plays and fancy restaurants was so nice. I posted on TDS about whether I should tell her about my old vices. She'd say things like 'How comes even though you don't drink, how comes you sometimes seem, out of it'. I just played mr mysterious for a while but when we connected thought I should fess up. Maybe I should have known I was punching above my weight, who was I kidding? But she's really hurt me and I'm not getting any dark delivered just because of her, she was a bright, normal and apparently sensitive girl. Even though we hadn't gone out long I feel like I've been stabbed or something. Is this is what's going to happen everytime I tell someone about my history? If so then fuck it, I'll live the life and have as much meaningless drug sex as I can. But I don't want that anymore. Feel like a fool and pretty niave considering my age (30). Wearing your heart on your sleeve isn't the done thing nowadays but I'd known her for ages. Oh well never mind :)
 
Oh and my sister just chipped in 'well you are a junky, just a devious, lucky one' Thanks sis, makes me feel great!
 
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