Bisexual Semi-Monogamous with Kids

[birdup.snaildown]

So I love my wife. We're not married, but I call her my wife because it's shorter than saying "we're not married, but I call her my wife"... although - come to think of it - it's not shorter than saying "we're not married, but I call her my wife because it's shorter than saying "we're not married, but I call her my wife"... although - come to think of it - it's not shorter.

I'll start over.

I'm bisexual. Not one of those guys that experiments a bit and decides no label defines him. Men have always given me erections. Women have always given me erections. They're not the same thing, exactly. There's a much stronger pheromone thing with women, but that balances out in different ways with guys.

My problem is I've got kids now and it seems impossible in my head to try and justify something to happen. Like do I call for a baby sitter and have a three-way? Is that good parenting?

My wife is pretty much onboard I think (although probably with the same dilemma because I know her) but are we kind of assholes or something if we do that? I don't know why I feel like that about it, exactly. I've tried to break it down. Best explanation I can come up with is: it's a threat somehow to my family or my kids. Not because me and the missus aren't grounded, but because it might be a threat.

I could never let something like that get in the way of our family but at the same time, life is crazy. We're all these weird ape descendants spinning around on this giant ball in the middle of nowhere and one day we're going to be old and useless.

 

[w01fg4ng]

1) What's wrong with calling her your partner? My better half and I have been together for 13 years and never got married. "Better half" is another good one you can use. No need to over-complicate your relationship status.

2) If you're trying to use your bisexuality as an excuse to sleep around, you are doing a disservice to the meaning of the word. With that said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a three-some or whatever as long as both of you are ok with it. Get a baby sitter and go to town!

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

3 way is russian roulette for any relationship nomatter how prepared one might think they/the unit are. Might be ok - might not be. And also just because itmay have been on 1st time gives zero indication e whether that will be the casae next time, or any future times.

So many variables. A complex issue altogether

 

[birdup.snaildown]

1) I don't like the word partner because frankly if I use it I am afraid (in a petty way) that people will hear me say this and think I'm gay because I'm quite effeminate sometimes and my dad is super homophobic.

1B) I can't call her my better half, because I am clearly better and that would confuse things.

2) I've chastised myself so much about "using" bisexuality to not be monogamous, but that basically means actively bisexual people are the only ones not allowed to have fun.

2B) I've had both threesomes and been given freedom to go out on my own.

...

The problem is in my head. I guess I feel guilty being in a situation that this is normal because I totally don't understand lifelong monogamy at the expense of happiness... though neither does my wife either. I just think she'd definitely struggle with it less.

 

[Joey]

Theres literally nothing wrong with having these kinds of affairs in the bedroom man, kids or not. Its not like theyre going to know anything, same as anyone else. Youre free to do whatever youd like as long as everyone involved is cool with it. Straight couples call eachother partners all the time, really. Your dad cant call you gay or whatever for calling your female partner your partner, and he cant know your personal business either unless you tell him. Live your life as you see fit.

Id reevaluate your relationship if you feel shes not as good as you though, honestly. If you dont respect her (the way you said that was extremely distespectful) maybe you should just co-parent and be split, or actually split. Imho.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

(the way you said that was extremely distespectful)

I'm not an extremely disrespectful guy, though, and I know that. Happy for her to have her look at it if you like. She does have an account. I wasn't looking for general relationship advice. The whole idea of "better half" came up. Was just riffing on that. Equality and what not. Didn't mean anything by it other than men have a tendency to be a cuck and say the "better half" as it pertains to the woman. I can't help but find that sexist in the same way that saying a better race is paler.

People have a tendency to interpret ill intent that is nothing but a product of perception. My tone lends itself to this sort of interpretation. My intention (however human) is sullied by the computerized nature of my wording.

 

[Joey]

I'm not an extremely disrespectful guy, though, and I know that. Happy for her to have her look at it if you like. She does have an account. I wasn't looking for general relationship advice. The whole idea of "better half" came up. Was just riffing on that. Equality and what not. Didn't mean anything by it other than men have a tendency to be a cuck and say the "better half" as it pertains to the woman. I can't help but find that sexist in the same way that saying a better race is paler.

People have a tendency to interpret ill intent that is nothing but a product of perception. My tone lends itself to this sort of interpretation. My intention (however human) is sullied by the computerized nature of my wording.

Fair enough. I dont need her to see anything dude its cool. She will probably see it anyway right?

My main advice here then is to just relax and do what you will. Live life, this box of monogamy and fear what other people think is common, but it doesnt need to be. Break the mold, but that is also no ones business but your own and whomever you choose to tell if you do.

 

[w01fg4ng]

1) I don't like the word partner because frankly if I use it I am afraid (in a petty way) that people will hear me say this and think I'm gay because I'm quite effeminate sometimes and my dad is super homophobic.

1B) I can't call her my better half, because I am clearly better and that would confuse things.

2) I've chastised myself so much about "using" bisexuality to not be monogamous, but that basically means actively bisexual people are the only ones not allowed to have fun.

2B) I've had both threesomes and been given freedom to go out on my own.

...

The problem is in my head. I guess I feel guilty being in a situation that this is normal because I totally don't understand lifelong monogamy at the expense of happiness... though neither does my wife either. I just think she'd definitely struggle with it less.

That sucks that your dad is homophobic. Does he not know that you are bisexual?

Honestly, you have it easy. Try being bisexual but with a monogamous male partner instead of a female partner. There's very little I can do to convince people that I'm not gay. The best way to approach this is to simply not give a fuck. Besides, gay people are cool.

 

[ChipTrippyFox]

Outlier; it's clear he loves his wife/family and the "better half" remark was clearly a joke..! Not disrespectful at all.
Don't pick him apart too much haha


As far as the OP question;
I think there's nothING wrong with you and your wide mutually enjoying 3some together but I would be wary of love triangles if you're not into full polyamoury.

 

[Jabberwocky]

As far as the effects on the kids goes, I would view having MM or MMF sexual fun with your wife or without the same way as taking drugs. It is a part of your life that is not appropriate to reveal to your children at this point in their lives. There is no rule that parents need to be totally transparent to their kids. In fact most of the evidence suggests that parents should reveal the reality of the world to their kids on a gradual basis in accordance with their maturity and their emotional and intellectual needs.

If you keep your drug use secret from your kids what’s the difference with keeping your sex life secret from them. It’s the opposite of harm. However, as they grow up and begin to encounter drugs or become sexual themselves it may be appropriate to begin sharing stories about both parts of your life to educate them about being safe and healthy.

If you and your partner believe that open and same sex relationships are legitimate then that should form part of the sex education you give your kids at the appropriate time. Personally if it was me and I had my time over again I would have told my much much younger son I had had MM sexual experiences. Instead he grew up quite homophobic because his school education. The question of there being a third person in the relationship could easily be part of the conversation with kids around consent. In the sense that you are only doing something you and your partner have both consented to in your relationship.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

That sucks that your dad is homophobic. Does he not know that you are bisexual?

I've never said it, but I haven't attempted to hide it very much either. He knows. One of my brothers is also bisexual. He attempted to come out to my family. My parents told him it was a phase. He was in his mid 20s at the time and had some mental health issues. My other brother (the asshole of the family) made homophobic comments - to me - about him, behind his back. Now, he no longer believes he is bisexual.

My dad knows. When he makes homophobic comments, he is directly criticizing me. He knows that I know he knows. He also knows that I'm not going to do anything about it. So I just have to sit there silently while he indirectly criticizes me... This used to bother me a lot more than it does now. I have mourned for the loss of my family.

Honestly, you have it easy. Try being bisexual but with a monogamous male partner instead of a female partner. There's very little I can do to convince people that I'm not gay. The best way to approach this is to simply not give a fuck. Besides, gay people are cool.

Yeah, I'd never considered that side of it. Funny how guys are gay if they're in a same-sex relationship, even if they've been married multiple times and had kids, etc. Obviously it is going to be much more difficult to be actively bisexual in your situation, than it is in mine... but I'm not sure I'd agree it's easy for me. Easier than your situation, sure.

I think there's nothING wrong with you and your wide mutually enjoying 3some together but I would be wary of love triangles if you're not into full polyamoury.

We have a system. Nobody that we know socially is allowed. We don't socialize with prospective partners beforehand, other than a minimal screening process. After sex, we all go on our ways.

I think the chances of this sort of thing ruining our relationship are very low to the point of not existing.

@Atelier3

I'm not going to tell my kids. The oldest is 2 years, so they wouldn't understand anyway. My problem isn't transparency. I feel the same way (to some extent) about drugs as I do about non-monogamous sex. It's something that I do at the (potential) expense of my family. Not sure how to explain that, but I know it to be true. I'm coming to a point with drugs where it's obvious that I need to massively cut down (on a permanent basis) or I will look back and have regrets about my decisions as a father.

I'm not going to stop drugs completely, but it's no longer appropriate for me to get fucked up. I can justify having relative low doses of drugs (so that I'm still totally functional if I need to be) but maybe not on a daily basis. I don't know. I'm confused about it. Alcohol is more socially acceptable, so it seems like more of an acceptable thing to consume with moderation on a daily basis... but maybe it isn't.

There is probably some moderate amount of sexual experimentation we could still partake in, but it's harder and harder to think when that would happen. It's not going to be in the foreseeable future. Maybe when the kids are all at school, but we're planning on having more kids in the future... so that's going to be years.

I don't know where I'm going with this or even what question I'm asking, at this point.