ThatSpaceyKid
Bluelighter
I'm Bipolar and very unstable. I wasn't diagnosed until I sought help for myself since no one else cared enough to help. It's like I'm someone new everyday. One day full of dreams hopes and goals and positive. Wanting to stop using and getting my life back... Some days I'm normal everything works out I use my shit and go on. Others I'm depressed out of my mind and want to kill myself and end up breaking into panic attacks which are from crying so much. The worst days I do things I regret everyday. I have seen a lot of shit and know so much I shouldn't know...
I grew up alone. The middle kid so of course the unimportant one. Mom and dad didn't care didn't listen to the cries for help... Only cared about one person who will never change. Didn't have a childhood because I had to be strong and grow up. At age 10 watching my uncle like a Babey to make sure he's not using. Knowing too much about drugs. Never had friends still dont. Spent my days alone... Never fell in love.
For so long I was "Happy" living for others. Getting good grades trying to get noticed. Doing everything to kiss my dads ass. Being the perfect kid.... Then I decided fuck it. After years of feeling suicidal and worthless I became this darker person overnight... I started disobeying, doing very risky things because of mania, fighting, doing drugs, drinking, and going to far and almost dying.... I was born broken so I won't change.
Mania is an instinct, an emotion, my down fall, my friend, my conscience, my master.... I do whatever is in my mind. I have always stolen from everyone but no because I needed to just didn't have much no one taught me not to. Mania makes me moraless, crazy, broken, unforgettable, psychopathic, and euphoric. I've known it to long. There is never winning because anxiety heightens and fuels mania. My anxiety makes me sick... I thought I was dying so I went to the doctors. I was puking, in so much pain, crying, suicidal, and couldn't eat or sleep for days... My vitals were normal and there was nothing wrong. Apparently anxiety can do anything to your body? Mania led me to hard drugs like Heroin and Meth which haven't left....
I never forget. I'm still Broken, still crying, still hurting over stuff from ages ago... My parents hurt me bad because I did so many things to get help but they were all ignored. I used to cut til I bled all over my hands and until I was numb... I used to OD in narcotics beyond what u should've had...
To sum it all up.. I can't live. I try so hard and get so far. But one manic episode causes me to lose everything... I can't control it. Even the meds don't help.. Hell even weed no more. Weed is my sanity without it I'm crazy... I don't make relationships because of being hurt a lot, and a lack of trust.. I Spent most of my years depressed, lost, delirious, suicidal, neglected, and without purpose.. I'm failing college... I am really smart just to depressed to go to class or manic enough to skip class for other things. The saddest part.. it's all true. Growing up kids would only talk to me because adults made them, parents made them, they thought I was gonna kill myself and offered worthless pity, up the school because my life sucked... But I learned so much. I can survive. No matter the hole I'm in I always crawl out.. but it's hard to do and takes every part of me. honestly I prefer being alone. No one to oppose, hurt me, use me, or to judge me. No one can define me. But the bad thing is I get overwhelmed by my thoughts.. It all starts with thoughts. Thoughts lead to actions. Actions lead to regrets ....
Counselors cannot help. They seem to judge. They sit with doubt the whole time not realizing that kids nowadays are messed up... Life isn't the same. I've been to many and told to many times "There's so many issues. You can't ever work on one. You always have to Mich hurting you. Your to sensitive.... I had to seek all my help. Got meds and diagnosed at 18 because parents didn't care enough.
I'm tired of crying... I'm tired of losing it all. I'm tired of hurting. Tired of hurting myself. Tired if being judged. Tired of mania. Tired if living.... Can anyone give me advice on their own experiences... How do you stay strong and resist your dark side.. Literally I'm day and night... Opposite personalities different days....
I grew up alone. The middle kid so of course the unimportant one. Mom and dad didn't care didn't listen to the cries for help... Only cared about one person who will never change. Didn't have a childhood because I had to be strong and grow up. At age 10 watching my uncle like a Babey to make sure he's not using. Knowing too much about drugs. Never had friends still dont. Spent my days alone... Never fell in love.
For so long I was "Happy" living for others. Getting good grades trying to get noticed. Doing everything to kiss my dads ass. Being the perfect kid.... Then I decided fuck it. After years of feeling suicidal and worthless I became this darker person overnight... I started disobeying, doing very risky things because of mania, fighting, doing drugs, drinking, and going to far and almost dying.... I was born broken so I won't change.
Mania is an instinct, an emotion, my down fall, my friend, my conscience, my master.... I do whatever is in my mind. I have always stolen from everyone but no because I needed to just didn't have much no one taught me not to. Mania makes me moraless, crazy, broken, unforgettable, psychopathic, and euphoric. I've known it to long. There is never winning because anxiety heightens and fuels mania. My anxiety makes me sick... I thought I was dying so I went to the doctors. I was puking, in so much pain, crying, suicidal, and couldn't eat or sleep for days... My vitals were normal and there was nothing wrong. Apparently anxiety can do anything to your body? Mania led me to hard drugs like Heroin and Meth which haven't left....
I never forget. I'm still Broken, still crying, still hurting over stuff from ages ago... My parents hurt me bad because I did so many things to get help but they were all ignored. I used to cut til I bled all over my hands and until I was numb... I used to OD in narcotics beyond what u should've had...
To sum it all up.. I can't live. I try so hard and get so far. But one manic episode causes me to lose everything... I can't control it. Even the meds don't help.. Hell even weed no more. Weed is my sanity without it I'm crazy... I don't make relationships because of being hurt a lot, and a lack of trust.. I Spent most of my years depressed, lost, delirious, suicidal, neglected, and without purpose.. I'm failing college... I am really smart just to depressed to go to class or manic enough to skip class for other things. The saddest part.. it's all true. Growing up kids would only talk to me because adults made them, parents made them, they thought I was gonna kill myself and offered worthless pity, up the school because my life sucked... But I learned so much. I can survive. No matter the hole I'm in I always crawl out.. but it's hard to do and takes every part of me. honestly I prefer being alone. No one to oppose, hurt me, use me, or to judge me. No one can define me. But the bad thing is I get overwhelmed by my thoughts.. It all starts with thoughts. Thoughts lead to actions. Actions lead to regrets ....
Counselors cannot help. They seem to judge. They sit with doubt the whole time not realizing that kids nowadays are messed up... Life isn't the same. I've been to many and told to many times "There's so many issues. You can't ever work on one. You always have to Mich hurting you. Your to sensitive.... I had to seek all my help. Got meds and diagnosed at 18 because parents didn't care enough.
I'm tired of crying... I'm tired of losing it all. I'm tired of hurting. Tired of hurting myself. Tired if being judged. Tired of mania. Tired if living.... Can anyone give me advice on their own experiences... How do you stay strong and resist your dark side.. Literally I'm day and night... Opposite personalities different days....
. Accept each emotion when it comes, knowing it won't be forever. I've read enough of your posts to know that you have had (are possibly still having) a very traumatic childhood/adolescence. The impact of this cannot be minimized. Give yourself a lot of credit for your survival, your belief in yourself and your rights to peace and well-being (you are still looking for them, right?). 