Ok I will try to summarize this up as much as possible, a little about e, I am 25 years old and have been shooting up since i was 19 , ..when i was 21 i went to prison for 2 years because i was stealing stuff to support a coke/morphine habit, it took a year in prison before i didn't wake up and the first thing i thought about was drugs , i then got out and within the first 3 days i went back to shooting up and have been doing it at least 3-4 times a day since, and i been out 2 years ,
I am at the point where i have no veins left, and i have to always wear long sleeve shirts to cover up my track marks, ( even in the summer) , I try to keep it low key and only a hand full of people know ..the only positive thing I can say about myself is i have had a job over a year, am on no type of state assistance , and paying all my bills on my own, well last night i got a few addy 30's and after work last night ( i work the night shift) i got home and instantly started getting ready to do the addies, well it took me almost 3 hours to finally hit myself and get it, with a lot of missed attempts , small misses , and messed up veins,
..I am so disgusted with myself, and i have felt this way before when i do uppers, which isn't often maybe once or twice every few months, I wanna get clean, but i have no health Insurance to do so, which leaves me with not many options, also live in a small town about at least an hour from any big city that would have treatment
..I can't go into an inpatient program because i have work, and can't afford to loose my job, ( which i worry almost every day that i will get fired, cause i work with the public, so i deal with a lot of people and my hands look pretty bad as well..
I am so sick and tired of wasting money, and hurting myself, for what seems like a pointless habit , since i rarely feel anything anymore, and have even got to the point of shooting suboxone, which make me feel like a real piece of shit, to be abusing something that is suppose to help you get clean,
I really don't know what to do, and talking to a counselor or anyone isn't gonna help, I really don't even think it's the drugs so much, as the ritual of shooting up..
like i said i have no insurance , in kinda a remote area , and have a job that i can't afford to loose by going into a rehab or IOP , if i could even get into one for free , which i doubt, cold turkey isn't gonna work either..I have tried that and made it like 24 hours ,
I just don't know what to do, I don't wanna loose a limb or die over this, and i sure as hell don't want to loose my job , cause my work finds out, summer is comming up, and I have a new manger who is strict and idk how i would explain why i am wearing a long sleeve shirt in july , does anyone have any idea r possibly some programs maybe not a lot of people know about?, or even home remedies that maybe worked for them...I can't keep going like this..,
I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror some days , and am always paronoid If someone looks at my hands , I don't wanna live like this , and I'm just lost..I have come along way in the last 2 years , with getting a job which i never had, doing everything on my own with no state assistance , not stealings anymore, and am pretty much a good law abiding citazen with the exception of this..I am afraid to try and go out and try to get in a relationship, because i feel like if i ever have anyone interested, once they found out what i did, they would leave ,
It just sucks, it really sucks , this life Isn't for anyone, and I honestly wish if i could wave a wand and be able to stay clean I would, I'm also on probation , because of the thefts that got me sent to prison, so if my P.o found out, i could easily go back, so this whole addiction thing, just causes way to much stress for me , than what i get out of it....any help would be greatly apprieated , thank you for anyone who took the time to read this, and thank you to anyone who responds, I am just so fed up with myself, and mad at myself that i don't have the self control or strenth , or strong mind to quit cold turkey and do this on my own
I am at the point where i have no veins left, and i have to always wear long sleeve shirts to cover up my track marks, ( even in the summer) , I try to keep it low key and only a hand full of people know ..the only positive thing I can say about myself is i have had a job over a year, am on no type of state assistance , and paying all my bills on my own, well last night i got a few addy 30's and after work last night ( i work the night shift) i got home and instantly started getting ready to do the addies, well it took me almost 3 hours to finally hit myself and get it, with a lot of missed attempts , small misses , and messed up veins,
..I am so disgusted with myself, and i have felt this way before when i do uppers, which isn't often maybe once or twice every few months, I wanna get clean, but i have no health Insurance to do so, which leaves me with not many options, also live in a small town about at least an hour from any big city that would have treatment
..I can't go into an inpatient program because i have work, and can't afford to loose my job, ( which i worry almost every day that i will get fired, cause i work with the public, so i deal with a lot of people and my hands look pretty bad as well..
I am so sick and tired of wasting money, and hurting myself, for what seems like a pointless habit , since i rarely feel anything anymore, and have even got to the point of shooting suboxone, which make me feel like a real piece of shit, to be abusing something that is suppose to help you get clean,
I really don't know what to do, and talking to a counselor or anyone isn't gonna help, I really don't even think it's the drugs so much, as the ritual of shooting up..
like i said i have no insurance , in kinda a remote area , and have a job that i can't afford to loose by going into a rehab or IOP , if i could even get into one for free , which i doubt, cold turkey isn't gonna work either..I have tried that and made it like 24 hours ,
I just don't know what to do, I don't wanna loose a limb or die over this, and i sure as hell don't want to loose my job , cause my work finds out, summer is comming up, and I have a new manger who is strict and idk how i would explain why i am wearing a long sleeve shirt in july , does anyone have any idea r possibly some programs maybe not a lot of people know about?, or even home remedies that maybe worked for them...I can't keep going like this..,
I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror some days , and am always paronoid If someone looks at my hands , I don't wanna live like this , and I'm just lost..I have come along way in the last 2 years , with getting a job which i never had, doing everything on my own with no state assistance , not stealings anymore, and am pretty much a good law abiding citazen with the exception of this..I am afraid to try and go out and try to get in a relationship, because i feel like if i ever have anyone interested, once they found out what i did, they would leave ,
It just sucks, it really sucks , this life Isn't for anyone, and I honestly wish if i could wave a wand and be able to stay clean I would, I'm also on probation , because of the thefts that got me sent to prison, so if my P.o found out, i could easily go back, so this whole addiction thing, just causes way to much stress for me , than what i get out of it....any help would be greatly apprieated , thank you for anyone who took the time to read this, and thank you to anyone who responds, I am just so fed up with myself, and mad at myself that i don't have the self control or strenth , or strong mind to quit cold turkey and do this on my own
Last edited by a moderator:
? 