Benzo withdrawal hell

[delphinen]

Hello; I have been addicted to benzodiazepines for the last 10 years. I have been trying to quit for almost 4 years, and I have developed a high physical addiction that ruined my life. I have tried to kill myself jumping from the building where I live once because of this. I have been jobless for 3 years because of this. My family have abandoned me because of this.
You see, when I'm not on benzos my body loses appetite, my muscles starts to twitch, my vision becomes blurry, and every sense, specially sound, is super amplified to the point I my head makes music from the fan of my computer, it's horrible. It takes more than the minimal dose my doctor gives me (2,5mg Lorazepam) to feel "ok". I need roughly the triple of that, at least, to function correctly; but I don't know how to face my doctor and tell her this, I am afraid she would think I want more pills just to abuse them.
I am a jobless and I have extremely low charisma 90% of the time, however my family and friends used to tell me I am like this because I want to, because "I know" I am very smart and gifted, I am just lazy they used to say. And everyone who knows me says the same thing, I don't know what to think. I used to be a very narcissist person, and when I had a job I would get a raise every 3 or 5 months, in -every- job, I was very successful.
I guess it was until my dad passed away that I couldn't handle reality anymore. But it's not that I think of my dad and start crying, or can't stop thinking about the past (well, maybe a little), but more of a dread feeling every day and night. It sucks me in, and only when I can get out for some time, I can express myself, like I'm doing now here.
I don't mind dying, but it's a fucking shame losing all the experiences and opportunities life can give, and I KNOW living can be good, because it used to be like that.
I guess I have a really big mental disorder, and living in a third world country (Argentina) doesn't help, because doctors are not smarter than me, and worst of all, they kinda know it when I talk to them; they do not want their patients to look up information or think for themselves when it comes to addiction.
I can't go back to the past as good as it was, and I don't want to either. I want to go forward and experience new things, but my body, my brain, have developed a high physical addiction to these drugs. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[swilow]

Hey mate, I am sorry to hear of your struggle. Benzo withdrawal is very difficult, it effects so may aspects of bodily functioning, from the mind to the more physical side. Describing it as "hell" is very apt; I went through this myself about 5-6 years ago (am clean from benzo's now) and have never encountered a more difficult situation. I had extreme withdrawal symptoms that saw me essentially psychotic and having seizures weekly. I have mild epilepsy so my situation was a bit anomalous.

Everything you are describing can be related back to the benzo's. If you can get off these things, and you certainly can, I imagine you will realise just how deeply they effect you; you will be shocked at how much better you will feel.

The fact is- you can get through this. There are a few things that you need to do and some of them will be difficult- but none of them will be as difficult as unmitigated benzo withdrawal. I think you need to have a frank discussion with either an addiction specialist or a psychiatrist. You have to be as honest as you can and describe your symptoms and get onto a tapering schedule. This is more of a medical situation than a drug-abuse situation IMO or a mental health crisis. Benzo withdrawl can mimic countless other disorders; I got diagnosed with PTSD, panic disorder, depression, borderline personality disorder, dissociative identity disorder, etc. None of these things, besides the PTSD, are something I had, but my behaviour and psychosis made it appear that way and ALL of it was caused by benzo withdrawal. I am afraid to say that I do not think ongoing benzo addiction will benefit you and I think you are realising that- I got to the point where no dose gave me total relief. You may find it effective to switch to diazepam which has a long half life and is effective for tapering. It was effective for me.

If you cannot go through a taper with a doctor, there are resources out there which would help you do it yourself- obviously, medical supervision is best but I am not sure how such issues are addressed in Argentina.

Do the people you are close to know about your addiction? It is a real relief to be able to share your feelings with others.

Please do not hesitate to ask me any questions about my own experience. I'm not an expert, but I've been where you are and I got away from it. I have an intensely addictive personality- benzo's are just one of the drugs I've been physically addicted to- but I did it and it leaves me to think that anyone can. It is hard and intense, but can be lessened and will benefit your immensely. Take it easy and hit me up at any time if you need.

 

[delphinen]

Hey mate, I am sorry to hear of your struggle. Benzo withdrawal is very difficult, it effects so may aspects of bodily functioning, from the mind to the more physical side. Describing it as "hell" is very apt; I went through this myself about 5-6 years ago (am clean from benzo's now) and have never encountered a more difficult situation. I had extreme withdrawal symptoms that saw me essentially psychotic and having seizures weekly. I have mild epilepsy so my situation was a bit anomalous.

Everything you are describing can be related back to the benzo's. If you can get off these things, and you certainly can, I imagine you will realise just how deeply they effect you; you will be shocked at how much better you will feel.

The fact is- you can get through this. There are a few things that you need to do and some of them will be difficult- but none of them will be as difficult as unmitigated benzo withdrawal. I think you need to have a frank discussion with either an addiction specialist or a psychiatrist. You have to be as honest as you can and describe your symptoms and get onto a tapering schedule. This is more of a medical situation than a drug-abuse situation IMO or a mental health crisis. Benzo withdrawl can mimic countless other disorders; I got diagnosed with PTSD, panic disorder, depression, borderline personality disorder, dissociative identity disorder, etc. None of these things, besides the PTSD, are something I had, but my behaviour and psychosis made it appear that way and ALL of it was caused by benzo withdrawal. I am afraid to say that I do not think ongoing benzo addiction will benefit you and I think you are realising that- I got to the point where no dose gave me total relief. You may find it effective to switch to diazepam which has a long half life and is effective for tapering. It was effective for me.

If you cannot go through a taper with a doctor, there are resources out there which would help you do it yourself- obviously, medical supervision is best but I am not sure how such issues are addressed in Argentina.

Do the people you are close to know about your addiction? It is a real relief to be able to share your feelings with others.

Please do not hesitate to ask me any questions about my own experience. I'm not an expert, but I've been where you are and I got away from it. I have an intensely addictive personality- benzo's are just one of the drugs I've been physically addicted to- but I did it and it leaves me to think that anyone can. It is hard and intense, but can be lessened and will benefit your immensely. Take it easy and hit me up at any time if you need.

Thanks for replying.
Wow, so I was able to describe everything I feel when I am tapering or trying going cold turkey from benzodiazepines.... I guess that's reinforcing in some way.
You think I should ask my doctor to switch from Lorazepam to Diazepam? she also gives me Pregabalin for the seizures. I don't think I am epileptic.

Also, I can relate to being diagnosed with many disorders, when, if you go raw with the problem, I am just addict to the substance and that's it. I hate when people thinks of a Cocaine or Heroine addiction as "the worse", and doesn't think benzo addiction is something life threatening too. Even doctors are ignorant.
Do you think I should tell my doc that I used to do x15 times the dose she is giving me, so if we are going to taper my addiction, I need a stronger dose? I fear she will say that all this time I was able to go through with only 2,5mg of Lorazepam... which is not true in reality.

Finally, when I was 25 (I am 31 now) I also did a lot of drugs (LSD, GHB, Ketamine, Codeine, etc.), but never became addicted to any of them. Well, except benzos. Go figure.

 

[Moreaux]

Switching to diazapam would be better for a taper as it has a longer half life. I think you need to let your doctor know what is going on so they can help you. I think you should tell your psychologist a lot of what you have shared on Bluelight on this thread and on the suicide thread, as you have a lot going on and that would be your best bet for getting on the path to recovery. Your doctor's can't help you if they don't know what's going on with you. I am glad you are still here - I was concerned about you.

 

[delphinen]

I told my doctors most of was going on (except some long details) and it was a lot easier than I thought. I told my psychiatrist WHY I wanted to try a change to Diazepam, and it agreed pretty easily, although we had some disagreements with the conversion between 2,5mg of Lorazepam in Diazepam dosage; I told my doc that I was pretty sure that 2,5mg Lorazepam was 25mg Diazepam, and at first, she wanted to give me only 10mg Diazepam per day, but I convinced her a little with some mathematics (like "but isn't 10mg Diazepam only 1mg Clonazepam doctor?") and she gave me 2x10mg Diazepam per day. Honestly, I took my 20mg already an hour ago or so, and I can feel a lot more relaxed and kinda sleepy than I think ever felt on Lorazepam.
The Pregablin is still the same, 150mg per day.

I hope this change of medication will be for the better. Wish me luck guys.

 

[swilow]

Thanks for replying.
Wow, so I was able to describe everything I feel when I am tapering or trying going cold turkey from benzodiazepines.... I guess that's reinforcing in some way.
You think I should ask my doctor to switch from Lorazepam to Diazepam? she also gives me Pregabalin for the seizures. I don't think I am epileptic.

Also, I can relate to being diagnosed with many disorders, when, if you go raw with the problem, I am just addict to the substance and that's it. I hate when people thinks of a Cocaine or Heroine addiction as "the worse", and doesn't think benzo addiction is something life threatening too. Even doctors are ignorant.
Do you think I should tell my doc that I used to do x15 times the dose she is giving me, so if we are going to taper my addiction, I need a stronger dose? I fear she will say that all this time I was able to go through with only 2,5mg of Lorazepam... which is not true in reality.

Finally, when I was 25 (I am 31 now) I also did a lot of drugs (LSD, GHB, Ketamine, Codeine, etc.), but never became addicted to any of them. Well, except benzos. Go figure.

Hey, sorry for delayed reply. I defintiely think that switching to diazepam will be helpful, as outlined by Moreaux. It makes that diminshing blood levels slow enough as to be tolerable. And yes, I think you will get better/more useful treatment if you disclose your use. I don't think it will hurt.

Benzo addiction is sadly discounted in terms of addictive drugs. And yet, it is one of the most dangerous drugs to cold-turkey from. On the other hand, due to our awareness of pharmokinetics and metabolism, benzo's are also one of the 'best' drugs to gradually TAPER from.

How are you anyway?

 

[EnlightenedOne1]

Hang in there OP.....Benzo withdrawal is unlike anything in the world. It's the only withdrawal that actually gets worse as more time elapses. You literally have to re-learn how to integrate back into society and if you didn't do your own cognitive behavioral therapy yourself or see a specialist, you're fucked. Here's my story, but I'll keep it super brief.

Had anxiety during speeches in college and got Rx'ed 2mg of Clonazepam a day....Stayed on it for 2 years and the dosage was at 6mgs a day. Got arrested and was forced to do a 5 day taper and I died...5 grandmal seizures in 3 days, getting shocked back to life, etc...... I was 22...

Got out of jail and went back to college obviously drug free due to the strict recovery court 2 year program I was in...Everything just seemed too clear and my blood pressure and social anxiety was always exacerbated....

Went 7 years benzo free and felt AMAZING!!!!!

I am an addict....like a fucking idiot, on December 22, 2013 I had anxiety about seeing my family during Xmas so I went to the Dr and walked out with 4mg of kpin daily....

It's now almost 3 years later and I've tapered from 6mg to 3mg and I dread the fucking day I come off these...After a month, they stop working anyway...