Hello; I have been addicted to benzodiazepines for the last 10 years. I have been trying to quit for almost 4 years, and I have developed a high physical addiction that ruined my life. I have tried to kill myself jumping from the building where I live once because of this. I have been jobless for 3 years because of this. My family have abandoned me because of this.
You see, when I'm not on benzos my body loses appetite, my muscles starts to twitch, my vision becomes blurry, and every sense, specially sound, is super amplified to the point I my head makes music from the fan of my computer, it's horrible. It takes more than the minimal dose my doctor gives me (2,5mg Lorazepam) to feel "ok". I need roughly the triple of that, at least, to function correctly; but I don't know how to face my doctor and tell her this, I am afraid she would think I want more pills just to abuse them.
I am a jobless and I have extremely low charisma 90% of the time, however my family and friends used to tell me I am like this because I want to, because "I know" I am very smart and gifted, I am just lazy they used to say. And everyone who knows me says the same thing, I don't know what to think. I used to be a very narcissist person, and when I had a job I would get a raise every 3 or 5 months, in -every- job, I was very successful.
I guess it was until my dad passed away that I couldn't handle reality anymore. But it's not that I think of my dad and start crying, or can't stop thinking about the past (well, maybe a little), but more of a dread feeling every day and night. It sucks me in, and only when I can get out for some time, I can express myself, like I'm doing now here.
I don't mind dying, but it's a fucking shame losing all the experiences and opportunities life can give, and I KNOW living can be good, because it used to be like that.
I guess I have a really big mental disorder, and living in a third world country (Argentina) doesn't help, because doctors are not smarter than me, and worst of all, they kinda know it when I talk to them; they do not want their patients to look up information or think for themselves when it comes to addiction.
I can't go back to the past as good as it was, and I don't want to either. I want to go forward and experience new things, but my body, my brain, have developed a high physical addiction to these drugs. I don't know what to do anymore.
You see, when I'm not on benzos my body loses appetite, my muscles starts to twitch, my vision becomes blurry, and every sense, specially sound, is super amplified to the point I my head makes music from the fan of my computer, it's horrible. It takes more than the minimal dose my doctor gives me (2,5mg Lorazepam) to feel "ok". I need roughly the triple of that, at least, to function correctly; but I don't know how to face my doctor and tell her this, I am afraid she would think I want more pills just to abuse them.
I am a jobless and I have extremely low charisma 90% of the time, however my family and friends used to tell me I am like this because I want to, because "I know" I am very smart and gifted, I am just lazy they used to say. And everyone who knows me says the same thing, I don't know what to think. I used to be a very narcissist person, and when I had a job I would get a raise every 3 or 5 months, in -every- job, I was very successful.
I guess it was until my dad passed away that I couldn't handle reality anymore. But it's not that I think of my dad and start crying, or can't stop thinking about the past (well, maybe a little), but more of a dread feeling every day and night. It sucks me in, and only when I can get out for some time, I can express myself, like I'm doing now here.
I don't mind dying, but it's a fucking shame losing all the experiences and opportunities life can give, and I KNOW living can be good, because it used to be like that.
I guess I have a really big mental disorder, and living in a third world country (Argentina) doesn't help, because doctors are not smarter than me, and worst of all, they kinda know it when I talk to them; they do not want their patients to look up information or think for themselves when it comes to addiction.
I can't go back to the past as good as it was, and I don't want to either. I want to go forward and experience new things, but my body, my brain, have developed a high physical addiction to these drugs. I don't know what to do anymore.
