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Heroin Benzo user obsessed with heroin

Pagey

Pagey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 11, 2012
Messages
9,428
Location
The Valley of Ashes
Hey,
I've recently had some concerns with drugs and was hoping that this forum might help. I've been taking benzos for a few months for medical reasons (very painful neck problem, I take them to relieve my muscles), I had no trouble sticking to the prescribed dose at first but in the past few weeks I've had a lot of personal problems and I've started taking very high doses on a daily basis to numb the emotional pain. Anyway, I'm still limiting this dosage (especially since I can't really go asking my doctor for prescriptions every two weeks when the pills are supposed to last two months) but I've recently become absolutely obsessed with the idea of trying heroin, and to be honest it's really scaring me - I've been depressed for many months, possibly years and I just want to know what that supposedly incredible high is, as in I want to know what it's like to feel truly happy, even if it's just for a few hours...so I guess my question is: do you think I'm at an especially high risk for addiction considering one of my motivations to try heroin would be self-medication? In your experience, do you think it's possible to just try it once and then walk away? I'm sure these questions come up a lot, but I literaly dreamed of heroin the other night and as I said, this is making me quite nervous because even though I know how dangerous and destructive it is, I just can't keep my mind off it. I don't know if I'll ever make the move to find it, but I'm certainly considering the idea so any information is helpful, really. Also, would someone please describe to me what the high is like? I've tried looking it up all over the internet but everything is quite vague, I guess people are reticent to describe it because they don't want to encourage anyone to try. I'm just extremely curious about that drug, I guess I've sort of given up trying to find healthy ways to deal with emotional pain so I want to find the most intense possible feeling of bliss or something. So yeah, any information would be welcome really, also tips or whatever if you have any idea how I could get my mind off it, though considering you don't know much about me that might be hard. Thanks!
(By the way, I'm 18 if that may be of any help)
 
firstly, speak to a psychiatrist/your doctor, get yourself assessed, i'm not going to suggest anything re: medication but taking benzo's long term isn't going to help. have you had cognitive behavioural therapy? have you tried ssri's, tricyclic anti d's etc? not gonna lie, heroin is good, it's not "being truly happy" at all tho.

try every pshychiatric treatment, and wait 5 years and see how it is then.
 
hey Pagey,
welcome to Bluelight!

Like many others I'm sure will say, you DONT want to go down that path. Im 24 now, and started using heroin when I was 18. In the begining it provided all that confidence, happiness, and inner peace that I had been seeking (mind you, the only other drugs I had tried were alchohol, cocaine, and marijuana- I hadn't even heard of xanax!). The problem though, is that once you experience that level of bliss, you, or I guess I should speak in the present tense, I always compared every other sensation to it. In the begining I used heroin as a crutch to deal with low self esteem, depression and as a way to make up for the things I felt I would never accomplish, or recieve.

However, at some point, heroin turned on me. It was no longer just a crutch, it became my reason for life. I didn't care if I became a succesfull artist, or if a beautiful girl fell in love with me, all I wanted was heroin. Of course I eventually became physically dependant as well, and at that point its not a choice of "oh shit, i want to get high I'm so depressed", its more like "what the hell can I pawn so I dont get sick".

I've been using for six years with several periods of abstinence (the longest being 9 months). I just relapsed after 4 months of abstinence about 3 weeks ago, though I've managed to not get completely sucked back in so far. Think hard about using this drug. Sure the physical addiction sucks, but its the psychological one that keeps you coming back.
 
Thanks - i against i, I've seen a psychiatrist in the past but to be honest he did more harm than good (so tactless...just made me feel worse about myself) and was absolutely against the idea of giving me anti-depressants or anything of the sort. I've been seeing a psychologist for some months now although it hasn't been helping much. Also I don't really want to start taking any meds like that because a friend of mine was prescribed anti d's and they just exacerbated the whole thing and he eventually tried to kill himself while on them...
It really makes me feel better to hear that it's normal to turn to heroin and the like when we feel like there isn't really any happiness or point in life...I'd assumed as much but it's always good to hear first-hand reports. I guess it's pretty much impossible to just have a one time thing with such a strong drug. I'll be sure to think about it much more before I make a move or not. I've never actually been exposed to drugs (other than marijuana and alcohol, and well my own benzos) so I don't have that clear a vision of what heroin can do to people, only what the media say and stuff. Also, it probably doesn't help that my musical hero (whom I absolutely adore) was a heroin addict. Thanks for your answers though, as I said it helps a lot to get confirmation of what the popular opinion claims.
 
Benzos are known to cause drug seeking behavior. Not many RXs will list it as a side effect, but I have seen several that did list it. My personal experience was that I would have no cravings or plans to do dope, but then I would end up calling the dealer 30 minutes after I took a xanax.

Don't do heroin, but if you do, do not combine it with xanax, or any other benzos or CNS depressants. A lot of people OD from that combo, and even using the two in the same day can be enough to put you under since there may be small amounts still in your system.
 
Oh wow I'd never heard that benzos could do that. If I do end up using heroin I'll definitely be sure not to mix the two, I've already made the mistake of mixing benzos with alcohol and it was not a fun experience. Your comment has definitely given me a stronger urge to quit benzos though, if it can make the heroin obsession go away I'd be very grateful.
 
you won't get on with every psychiatrist/psychologist so it's fine to test out your compatibility for a few sessions. i've been with...~7 and i'm only 21. but once you find one you can work with you can really do some great work for yourself.
 
You already know the answer, but you want someone to tell you it would be okay to try it once and that you'd then be over it. You've been abusing your benzos and you're depressed. Adding heroin to that mix would be a recipe for self destruction. I am speaking from experience and common sense- don't do something you'll regret in ways you can't even imagine. It sounds cliche, but focus on the good things in your life and don't stress over things that are beyond your control. This advice I admittedly have trouble following, but is sound nonetheless.

Not to lecture, but you should get your benzo use under control as well. I assume it's probably diazepam or another long acting benzodiazepine, in which case it shouldn't be that difficult to taper and adjust back to a reasonable dose. Benzo addiction is the worst kind of hell- worse than heroin hell.
 
dont do it, everything the above poster has said is spot on. yeah at first when i took gear i felt amazing, so full of energy, confidence, even joy. i felt like i could really be the person id always wanted to be, i walked with a spring in my step plus on the night time id have a great buzz on drifting into dream worlds where everything was perfect, didnt matter what position i was in i was totally comfortable.

after a while i started using more cause i began to build a tolerance but id fallen in love with my new life where i was finally being the person i wanted to be free from anxiety and full of confidence. at first id use for like 3 days then stay sober for a few and kept repeaing that routine it worked for a while but slowly i began to use everyday without even realising it was like one day i just though shit i havnt had a break for like two months. i obviously realised it was a problem now so i tried to kick a few times even though i still loved the gear i just didnt want to be dependant. after one really scarey failed attempt at kicking while on a benzo comedown i decided to go on methadone so if i didnt have money i wouldnt have to be sick. this is kind of when things went bad.

you dont realise youre becoming an addict it just creeps up on you but once you have that realisation the reality is horrible, all the feelings of goodness soon turn to hate because of what youve done to yourself, the confidence dissapears cause hey youre a worhtless junkie now, the anxieties and depression all come back so youre back to where you started, except worse cause now youve got an expensive life destroying drug habit to hold up. then the shame when family and friends find out (they always do) adds to the shitty feelings youre already having.

you cant really hate yourself, until youve been a heroin addict i feel, all of what i described happened to me through just smoking. i went on methadone when i was on a bag a day habit, now im on 95ml of meth and about 3 or 4 bags IV'd a day oh and about a grand in debt even though i work full time. the feelings you get when you turn to the pin (everone does) are even worse than the addiction realization. then the debts come and you hate yourself more and more, as do your family, by this time youl have no real friends, if youve got a partner theyl be threatening to leave too.

heroin is amazing at first but after time it will absolutely destroy you and you wont even realise its happening until its far too late. everyone thinks they can do it and not get addicted be the one person whos cleverer than everyone else and can keep a hand on it, everyone think theyl never turn to the needle but nearly everyone does. do not try it it will take away tenfold what it ever gives you in the beginning. please from one soul to another, dont do it. it will fuck you up, very very badly
 
Point #1: What kills heroin addicts isn't heroin, it's mixing heroin with benzo's (other stuff too but this is one of the big one's)

Point #2: I've in the past week made some extensive posts about how great subutex (bupe), something given to dope addicts to help them come off dope or as maintenance therapy after coming off dope (sometimes mixed with naloxone (sp?) in a pill called suboxone. Anyway.... I've been singing loud and proud how great !!! bupe/subutex is for me and has changed my life, etc, etc, etc.... and haven't hardly touched heroin since starting this a couple months ago (and I was NOT a heroin addict, I 'chipped' snorting it mostly, like a couple days a week.

While guess what? I still have bupe/subutex and that once a month use of dope has turned into 4 days use of dope in the past like 6 days or something and I have dope still so will def be using it till it's gone. So dope has an allure and power that just can not be put into words. If I stay on this path I'm not going to become a long term addict (I have strong reason to think but can never be sure- wife strict and on my ass and totally anti drugs and don't have access to lots of cash she isn't aware of) but my point is it's like I found the cure for cancer for myself (bupe/subutex) and am keeping that on the shelf (and it's costing me next to nothing) and have been going out of my way to get dope which is far from free and not only that taking money away from investment capital which would be money making me more money. So I've re-started pissing my future away again, almost at the drop of a hat, after like the 2nd time I decided to use dope in a 2 month period. If I don't stop soon my business I just started will disolve which means a 2nd income for me and my family will be gone. And a bunch of other negative shit will happen I dont have time to detail.

I've yet to meet a person who has tried dope and has not regretted it. If I don't change up my routine soon I'm fucked again. Don't follow me down the path to fucked-up'ed ness bro. I'm 'hoping' I can change what I've just re-started, but 'hope' is not in any way, shape, or form a legitimate or real or concrete 'plan'. It's wishing. It's fantasy.

Use dope and you will fuck yourself more than you can ever immagine IMO.
 
Thanks everyone - it's true I was hoping to hear that it was possible to take it once and walk away but obviously that just doesn't happen.
morphonorconic - I take tetrazepam, which isn't very well-known cuz it's a very specific type of benzo and isn't used much (it only relieves muscle pain, it isn't prescribed for anxiety or anything like most benzos, although I'm sure it has pretty much the same effects)...this has also made it harder to find information about it on the internet. I know I should stop abusing them but the thing is I'm really not at the point of wanting to stop yet - I go a few days without them now and then without feeling too bad, but they just make me feel so much better it's true I look forward to the moment when I can take them every day (I limit myself to evenings). But yes, I will try to get that under control although tbh, the priority for me right now is managing to stay away from heroin. But really thanks a lot to all of you, it helps to realize the extent of the addictive power of heroin.
 
Let me say also that its not the end all of highs either. Highly overrated IMO
 
Ah really? I've heard very different opinions about that, some people saying it was the best thing they'd ever felt and others saying it really wasn't that good. The possibility of it not really being worth it certainly takes some of the glamour out of trying.
 
Could you try it once and never do it again? Maybe. Anything is possible I suppose. Is it as good as people say it is? Honestly..yes. The high is fantastic, especially when IV'ed..but it is my belief that human beings are not meant to ever experience something that feels so good. Because like Z said, once you feel something so amazing, so blissful and euphoric, then you start comparing everything else to it..and it usually never adds up. I was obsessed with H too before I had tried it. I was young and stupid, glamorizing it's use because I loved Alice In Chains and Mother Love Bone, etc, etc..all of those great bands from the 90's. Then when I finally did it..I loved it. And by the time I realized how childish and immature it was to fantasize about living the lives of my favorite musicians, who were all mostly dead..(My mind didn't factor that in at the time..) it was much much too late. If you really can't shake the thought of doing it and if you feel that you need to try it to satisfy some deep need you have, well.. go ahead. Be safe, ask questions on here about how to properly use it. Just remember that in ten years, you'll probably be back on this forum, replying to a post very similar to yours like I am doing now..but with a long history of pain and suffering behind you.
 
I just got off a opiate addiction. I still take them but now not daily like I used to. No heroin though, but stuff like oxy, tilidin, tramadol.

If you're overusing your benzos, you will most certainly "find reasons" to overuse the heroin. Believe me I've gone through the same. I'm still addicted to valium. (Down to 10mg from ~250mg), I needed pain meds for my back, got hooked, became even more miserable.

So in short, it would be very risky in my opinion.
 
I'd take another heroin over a benzo habit ANY day.

An addiction and dependency on opioids is a lot easier to deal with than a dependence and addiction to benzos. The w/d is much worse for benzos and much likely to be life threatening. Furthermore, the acute and post acute withdrawal is much worse with benzos than opioids. Long terms, intense benzo use can actually create problems with anxiety and insomnia, let alone depression, once you've stopped taking benzos in a stronger way than opioids.

As has been said, two things kill opioid addicts: the lifestyle (sharing needles, poverty, poor healthcare and hygiene, poor diet, prison, institutionalization, violence, criminal activity, etc. etc.) and overdosing (more common with IV use but can happen regardless of your ROA).

Generally, if you're legally prescribed benzos the lifestyle issues are more avoidable. However, a heavy benzo habit will decrease your quality of life that is equally as bad as the junkie lifestyle. It's also very easy to OD on benzos, especially when mixed with other drugs and cns depressants and alcohol. Mixing opioid with other drugs can be like wise dangerous, especially cns depressants.

In terms of ODing, one of the most dangerous combos you can have is opioids with benzos.

Personally, myself and most people I know find the opioid high to be far superior to a benzo high. I also find that taking benzos with opioids generally clouds the opioid high, although sometimes I'll enjoy the addition of certain benzos (i.e. diazepam, my fav). There are some who love taking benzos and opioids, with combo such as methadone and k-pins. This is extremely dangerous, and detoxing from it if you ever do will be almost certainly the hardest, most difficult thing you have or ever will do in your life.

Be very, very careful OP
 
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