Beefcake pantyhose

[LucieQuinn]

Good evening.
I am Alicia, a new member. Though i've followed your forum for years and delighted in it, ive only recently decided to speak up due to a traumatic incident recently.
My best friend died last month. He and I were inseparable. Though we were of different age groups, we were both addicts; he popped prescription perks while i did my fentanyl (i have gone from one extreme addiction to another in my 31 years of life). One night we were drunk and he begged me to try fent. I told him not to. He insisted. I gave him a pinch and he nodded off. I woke up and he was dead right next to me- eyes wide, mouth open and frothy.
I am posting to this board because i am an addict and am grieving. I have a couple "friends" (who are more like acquaintances than anything else) but they don't understand. I feel all alone and hopeless. The only thing i have to live for now is the dope. Without keeping numb, i would have felt the pain of his loss by now, and completely broken down. I am afraid to go to rehab and get sober because then i will be able to feel the grief, guilt, and shame of his loss. I have nobody to speak of this to which is why i am posting on this forum- to try to find someone who understands and can relate and give me good advice.
My grief is eating me alive, and the guilt i have for giving him that fent that night is way beyond my capacity to withstand.
I cant do anything now. Im immobile.
All i can do is do more dope.

 

[negrogesic]

This is the occupational hazard of drug users. Your friends die, sometimes from your own drugs. I wouldn't view it as your fault necessarily but it should incentive you not to share drugs again.

Congratulations though on joining here. This is a very unique place, there's nothing like it.

 

[PtahTek]

My grief is eating me alive, and the guilt

Damn. Not a great spot to be in, if I recall correctly... let's see. Yep, still there and pulling at me with those dark, dank and dreadful tendrils that foster destruction. It brings a sense of overwhelming doom that cripples and skews every aspect of ones existence... unless of course this individual be of socio and/or psycho disposition.
Although these symptoms of an injured "body" are unwanted and cause a lot of pain/grief, they also reveal an insight of an option to heal rather than continue festering and becoming self-disembodied trying to ease the burden of "infection". What I mean to relay here is that unless this is all an exercise at "playing" a role... you are not psychopath and/nor sociopath (well... relatively speaking) and one can get out of this hole with some work and more pain. Yay, right? Hell; we all know this already but are unwilling to give the effort most times to crawl out of that pile of shit.
As posted, I also throw into the belief that you have come to the right place. Obviously you are not alone in this. Many endure, adapt or attempt to correct what
kills us. Many more do not. Some fight for what may ultimately be a vain attempt at "salvation" from ourselves... some lay down and do not get back up. There is always an easy route but what may seem easy may rob us of any all joy available to us.
Just a bunch of words but from the heart and felt deeply.
I will not be around much and may not know if ya respond but know that dark days will never just disappear yet learning to navigate in the dark makes the trek a little less daunting in my experience.
Always love and hopes of health and freedom.
Always
6

 

[LucieQuinn]

Your words shook me like an earthquake to interrupt my current petrified state of existence. No, im not a sociopath, just an empathic human female, highly sensitive, and lost in this dark world without a fire.
The GUILT overrides the GRIEF. I see myself responsible for his death by giving him the fentanyl, though, techinically, i am not. He was a grown man capable of making his own decisions. But i should have been more responsible.
What the SICK irony of it all is that i feel as though ive only made my own life worse- by robbing myself of a friend, my only friend, the best friend i had in the world. Life & times with him were simpler, easier, happier. Now i just roam in the dark with my dope trying to numb myself to the point of oblivion, lying to myself that i am (still) happy because at least i am HIGH.

 

[PtahTek]

lost in this dark world without a fire.

Not true.
There are many warnings/beacons (not necesarilly points of light) that if attuned to can help one avoid crashing against an unseen obstacle. If ones senses are dulled chances of succesfully navigating the "vally of the shadow of death" are severely hindered. Deeper into the abyss. Yet deeper still. Until resignation takes root, everything stagnates and the end becomes welcome.
The grief and guilt of past deeds are parts of who I am but it haunts the shit out of me and keeps me awake some nights still... like tonight. It is my opinion that we are composite and not just created from a single thread type, color, texture etc. It takes time, experience, successes, failures, rights, wrongs........ in order to 'fill-out" or become " whole". All I am sayin is that no matter how fuckin dark and bleak life has been at it's lowest parts, if I keep standing eventually the darkness gives way to a bit of light or it just gets a llittle less dark. Over time darkness becomes just another aspect pf our makeup; it is up to us how large of a facet it becomes.
Hey... just learn from this perceived hell and dont do it again, right? From this one death (not to make light) the number of others that it could have a positive influence on is literally innumerable. We do not know what seed we drop may become.
I have to get on but sorry if this is a mess. Mobile is not my strong side. Just too small and buggy.
Will check back as soon as I can. Life is full and stressful but this place is my most sacred oasis and will visit every chance I get.
Love always and by jove we gotta pay sooner or later... the longer we wait the more interest we owe. Ya want some fire-brands to stave off the darkness a bit? Hang around... there's many here that can help ya through. Give it a little time and it will work out eventually.
See ya around

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Hey there @LucieQuinn and welcome to BlueWorld

Though these aren't the best circumstances to join this site and look for answers, reasons, understanding, condolences or people with like minded scenarios or events but the latter i think there is or are a lot more or less in the same boat or exp. I myself had a friend OD right next to me in bed after a night of lots of uppers and downers, luckily i wasn't far away enough (under the influence ) that i could do CPR on him and keep him breathing till the paramedics got there that eventually saved his life. And this also happened after this mate took some of my Stash so it inevitably made me blame myself. And in another circumstance another friend of a friend od'd and passed away in my house once again using stuff that were mine that also made me feel extremely guilty after the fact.

It's hard to give advice on this specific situation but i more or less know what you going or went through and I'm sure there are a few members that went through the same. I wish you the best of best and if you need someone to talk to I'm always available.

MuchLove
CoffeeShroom

 

[LucieQuinn]

Hey there @LucieQuinn and welcome to BlueWorld

Though these aren't the best circumstances to join this site and look for answers, reasons, understanding, condolences or people with like minded scenarios or events but the latter i think there is or are a lot more or less in the same boat or exp. I myself had a friend OD right next to me in bed after a night of lots of uppers and downers, luckily i wasn't far away enough (under the influence ) that i could do CPR on him and keep him breathing till the paramedics got there that eventually saved his life. And this also happened after this mate took some of my Stash so it inevitably made me blame myself. And in another circumstance another friend of a friend od'd and passed away in my house once again using stuff that were mine that also made me feel extremely guilty after the fact.

It's hard to give advice on this specific situation but i more or less know what you going or went through and I'm sure there are a few members that went through the same. I wish you the best of best and if you need someone to talk to I'm always available.

MuchLove
CoffeeShroom

CoffeeShroom,
thanks for the reply!
How are things on your end of the world?
Ive received some fascinating and helpful replies from my post on this site. I am glad i came here.
PM me if you want.

 

[Nampahc]

So sorry, That's horrible. I know two different who lost their best friends because of substances they had given them. Neither were right next to the person when they passed, but both succumbed to injuries sustained in car accidents later that night.
The one, a next door neighbor carried a huge amount of guilt for quite some time.
Things like this is always why I've stayed away from Heroin, and the like. I've known too many good people go down a very dark road.

My sister is one. She's an RN, BSN, Summa cum Laudi. She started off on hydrocodone, moved to Endocets, then 80 mg Oxycontin. She got cleaned up on Suboxone, and later started drinking again. Half pint to a pint of vodka a day, and now she's doing 3,600 mg of roxicet a month, and 60 adderall to go with it.
The human body is resilient, but I'm literally expecting a phone call at anytime. Especially since she's had one MCI, and the fact that she's 62.

It's not your fault what happened with your friend, but certain paths that I have walked I refuse to give someone else their first dose of.
Methamphetamine is on of those. My brother in law was addicted to heroin. He sought out MA himself, and it almost took him down the same path as Boy.

Try not to beat yourself up, but staying high isn't really the answer either. At some point you're going to have to deal with the emotional part of this for your own peace of mind.

Much love, and respect....