Mental Health "because you're f*ing crazy!!!!!!!!!!" -My Boyfriend

[deltakappamu]

Hi.

I don't even know where to begin, forreal.

I guess a little background...I will keep it brief, I promise.

-Former IV cocaine and heroin user, daily, multiple years (over 10)
-Several years clean, completely substance-free, including alcohol.
-Relapse of about a 2 month long period
-Currently clean again

So, what's the problem?
I AM A BASKETCASE!

The past few weeks to a month I have been EXTREMELY sensitive and cry, a lot. The smallest thing will go wrong, and I cry. I have been needing constant affection and reassurance from my boyfriend or else I obsess and think about how he doesn't love me and probably will leave me. I have never been this way in my life. I hate who I am becoming. I am going to ruin my relationship with my neediness. I can feel myself smothering my relationship, yet I can't stop having these over the top emotional breakdowns.. almost daily. My boyfriend and I live together and we are in a long term relationship. When we part ways in the morning to go about our daily routines (work etc,) we hug and kiss and say goodbye. I find myself checking my phone A LOT thru out the day to see if he has texted me. When he doesn't, I panic. He says that my expectations are too high, and that I want what I want, when I want it, how I want it.

I realize that its no fun to be around someone who is sad and miserable all the time, and I am afraid I am pushing him away, and I have no idea why I feel this way and have started doing this.

Also, if he and I are in an argument and we leave to go to work or whatever, I literally cannot focus on ANYTHING during my entire day, until it's resolved. I obsess over what was said, and have a few times had these weird day time night mares where I envision getting home and all his shit being moved out.

He tells me he loves me daily, and that he wants to be with me forever... why can't I believe him?

When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. I was given Lithium and I took it for a while and eventually stopped because I thought their diagnosis was wrong, due to the fact that I was injecting cocaine and thought "of course I will appear Bi-polar, I'm a drug user." So I dismissed that.

Now I take no medications except for a non-narc muscle relaxer, adderall, and multi vitamins.

The adderall is not a new medicine, btw.

My boyfriend thinks I am legit crazy. Also, after a bad fight the other evening, he told me that he thought I should go to the psychiatric hospital for a few days and get checked out. I am unable to do an inpatient thing due to reasons of a professional nature.

Not sure if this is PAWS or mental illness or both or none or what.

Can anyone relate? Can anyone give me any pointers on how not to overreact?

Thank you for reading.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Delta, welcome to BL and recovery.. One of the biggest syptoms of PAWS, is a unusually high emotional response. It will be difficult if not impossible to tell truly if this is a mental illness or the result of PAWS.. a professional can get to the bottom of that. That being said.. let just explore a little of this for awhile.. Are you having unusually deep emotional reactions that CAN or NOT cover a wide variety of emotions, there are so many damn emotions but lets play bingo Hey just to make sure Im not making lite of this at all just seemed like a good emotion list,

IMO on a more important note... two years, thats a pretty long time what was the trigger for the relapse.. I think it may benefit you greatly to think about this.. how big did you go also were you at right about exactly two years? (how hard did you relapse, IV etc, how many days).. LOTS and lots of wisdom, love, and support here

EDIT: if you are experiencing the emotion of free space... then there is no hope.. just messin with you.. you are doing great!!

 

[T. Calderone]

It may be a combination of these things: paws and the mental health issue. Cocaine is probably one of the worst things you can take when you're bipolar. When was the last time you used? I was also diagnosed many years ago with BPD. I don't have insurance to see my psych doctor and even when I did, I would not take my meds like I was supposed to.

Why did your doctor prescribe Adderall? That's another stimulant which I think could be adding to your symptoms: The feelings that he might leave you, daytime nightmares and extreme emotional sensitivity. I would suggest seeing a different psych doctor to be reevaluated. It may not be necessary to check into a psych hospital but you sound like you're going through a crisis. You would benefit by getting some help.

 

[deltakappamu]

Thank you for responding so quickly.

I didn't think you were making light of anything at all, I actually smiled real big when I saw that bingo thingy.

There is not one single emotion on that list that I do not go thru. Usually on a daily basis. I guess the most severe one is the sadness and hysterical crying, but with that being said, it is probably just the most noticeable of the bunch.

I am trying to think back to the small amounts of clean time that I was able to put together in the past (30 days, 7 days, here and there, in multiple treatment facilities,) and I am having a hard time remembering if I had similar reactions. However, over the course of my addiction, I had been unable to accumulate any clean time other than the times spent in treatment. (Roughly 7 residential/detoxes over a 10+ years span.) The one time that I finally got clean and stayed clean was after being incarcerated. I detoxed from heroin, benzos and also was a patient at a methadone clinic, so I detoxed from that as well. I was in custody, so I was given no taper.. it was all "cold turkey." It is hard to tell if I had PAWS then or not, I mean, I was awaiting trial on a very serious case, of course I was gonna feel sad, you know?

I just have such a hard time accepting that I could have PAWS after such a short run. But then again, I never thought I would have bad withdrawals either, and honest to goodness, they were just as bad as when I kicked all the other times. It was almost like I had never even been clean.

Amazing and mysterious is this human brain.

 

[deltakappamu]

It may be a combination of these things: paws and the mental health issue. Cocaine is probably one of the worst things you can take when you're bipolar. When was the last time you used? I was also diagnosed many years ago with BPD. I don't have insurance to see my psych doctor and even when I did, I would not take my meds like I was supposed to.

Why did your doctor prescribe Adderall? That's another stimulant which I think could be adding to your symptoms: The feelings that he might leave you, daytime nightmares and extreme emotional sensitivity. I would suggest seeing a different psych doctor to be reevaluated. It may not be necessary to check into a psych hospital but you sound like you're going through a crisis. You would benefit by getting some help.

Thanks for the response. I'm sorry, I have not used cocaine in several years... I did not relapse with the cocaine, just the heroin. I am sorry, I should have specified. But I used heroin last about a week and a half ago.

I take the adderall for attention and hyperactivity. I thought of the stimulant connection but I have been on it for a long time.. so I kinda thought (and hoped) that I could rule that out as being a cause. I am under no illusion that the adderall can definitely exacerbate certain symptoms, however just not sure if it is the cause of all of this, as it recently started.

I am afraid to tell my adderall doc about the symptoms I am having because he might take me off the adderall and I am in a situation professionally where I absolutely have to be focused. I have a hard enough time staying focused and on task WITH the medicine, let alone getting off of it. I am afraid he will take me off, as many providers refuse to give stimulant to people with other mental health issues. Obviously I have not disclosed my past history with him, including my addiction history.

When I read your post, I read the word crisis. This reminded me that in less than a month I will be turning 30. I wonder if this has anything to do with my feelings. I have also moved recently and had many changes happening in my life. IDK, maybe it's displacement of some sort.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

Removed some posts to keep this on track for the OP.

You should go and see your GP and talk to them about the bi-polar diagnosis. Stopping your medication without consulting a doctor is unwise. Even if they don't re-diagnose you with bi-polar you might be put onto a medication that will help with your mood swings.

Unfortunately, to get a proper diagnosis, you will have to be open and honest about your drug use.

 

[T. Calderone]

Maybe the many recent changes in your life are contributing to your conflicts as of late. Or going off/on the heroin is causing you much emotional distress. It gets harder each time as I remember my own struggles getting clean. Does your boyfriend still use? The stress of your job is always a concern. When you need time off to get help but can't do it that places tremendous pressure on you. You have to ask yourself how productive can you be when you can't focus on your work and worried about resolving conflict with your boyfriend? I would see about taking some time off, even a week or few days so you can try and sort yourself out. Start with a new psych doctor or therapist. You've been through a lot.

 

[neversickanymore]

Re-dist is correct of course as far as the diagnoses is concerned. A couple things though that you may want to think about. We addicts seem to be especially prone to relapse right around year one and then around year two of sobriety. Also since you have only been off heroin for a week and a half I think you have a really good chance of just experiencing PAWS. Especially since you feel you are cycling through a wide variety of those emotions on a daily basis. Also you may well be completely correct in attributing your initial BP syptoms.. BUT REMEMBER BL DOES NOT CLAIM TO OR ATTEMPT TO PROVIDE OR REPLACE THE KIND OF CARE OF A PROFESSIONAL.. on the coke.. this comes from personal experience.. But anyway, please determine the correct cause to you and your resources..


look at why you relapsed.. heroin.. looking to get away from something? Also you seem to need constant reinforcement from your BF and you are turning thirty.. what are you afraid of or looking not to face?

You have nothing to worry about and are worrying for nothing

 

[deltakappamu]

You guys are the shit.

I almost didn't post this thread to begin with because I was like, "eh what's it gonna help?" But just getting it off my chest and interacting with you guys has seriously helped. I guess pain shared is pain lessened.

Yeah, well, there is huge age gap between me and my bf. like, 9 years, with me being the older one. I know, I know, huge right? Well to be fair, he is mature for his age and I am probably immature at times for mine. Not that it matters but no one ever believes I'm 30. People guess me from 19-24. Idk if that is part of why I'm so upset, because I don't look, nor feel my age at all.. And here Iam about to turn 30. And yeah, maybe I'm insecure about my age, idk.

Boyfriend addict too. Again, I know, I know. Lol

I am under a great deal of stress and pressure and am in a situation where a state board (for a professional license) will be scouring my past. (Trying not to say state board of what exactly to keep details to a min)

I hope I haven't missed anything, I'm typing this one from my phone.

 

[deltakappamu]

Pteque, Hi. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

Yes, I have experienced other obsessions actually. I never thought that I had OCD though, because I am really obsessive about SOME things then dont give a fuck about others.. and they may be two related things. But when you said that the illness is ever changing, I had a moment.

Other obsessions: Cannot sleep if closet door isnt closed, and I do patterns and a lot of counting in my head. I like symmetry. I don't like un even numbers. Those are really NBD I guess, but the only other one I can think of that is kind of odd is that I will hold my breath or cross my fingers and toes so that bad things dont happen. Example: If I am laying in my bed, and I hear my bf come home from work and begin to walk up the stairs, I feel like I have to hold my breath until he gets to the bedroom, or else bad things might happen. I find myself crossing my fingers and toes thru out the day, mostly when I am waiting for something. It could be anything... like, if a class is due to start, I will cross them all until I see the teacher come thru the door. I mean, I can think it thru and be like "Now you know damn well that holding your breath or crossing toes/fingers isnt going to stop a death" but I still do it..just in case.

I sometimes wonder if it started when my cocaine addiction turned from pleasure to psychosis. At first, IV coke was heaven..I could do a shot, then lay back in the bed and enjoy. Over the years, I developed a paranoid psychosis. Although I would sometimes think I heard police radios outside of my door, my real focus was on some sort of murderer or intruder coming into the house. I had a routine..I would >IV< get up, walk to the peephole, stand there for a while, then I would creep to the corner of the stair case where I remained, watching, waiting for someone to come across the landing and down the stairs. I had it in my head that if I held my breath, then I would be safe. >IV< cocaine then trying to hold your breath while your heart is pumping like crazy is stressful. I could not stop. It was routine.. every time. I also counted.. and would get on kicks about tracing patterns once I calmed down a bit and wasn't so gakked out. If I was on a bender in a hotel, and the hotel happened to have some sort of ugly wallpaper or a pattern or something, I would make up rule about patterning in my head that I thought I needed to do to remain safe.

Ultimately all of this progressed to me developing this obsession with rodents. I am terrified of mice/rats. For some reason I did a shot one day and thought I had rodents crawling all over me, and I felt they were in my hair, ears, and every orrifice. I ripped off all my clothes in order to check. From that day on, that was also a part of my psychosis.

I really feel like I originally started the holding the breath thing because I would get so paranoid that even my own breathing was too loud. Then possibly it progressed into a sort of comfort or protection?

Hell, who knows.

Speaking of rodents, I feel crazier than an outhouse rat.


NSA EDIT: just sniped some triggers.

 

[deltakappamu]

well, I did it again, I guess.

We had been getting along great all last night and tonight and things were back to amazing and normal. I have a lot of work to do tonight and I have to print a lot of things and I ran out of black ink. We went to the store and when we were there, he asked if it was cool that he goes over to his friends house. I said yea and asked who all would be there and he said probably just his friend and girlfriend. So then I said "How come HIS girlfriend always gets to hang out?" and that started a fight. He said that is an example of me acting crazy. He said that why would I said that when I know I can't come because I have too much work to do. I guess I just would like to be invited or something?

I am so scared things are changing. Tonight it seemed like they were getting back to normal again and I was feeling comfortable and now this happened.

Also, I need to mention that I feel as though our sex life has changed in the amount that we have. When we first got together we had sex pretty much every night.

Right now the last time we had sex was saturday. I asked him if he was having sex with someone else and he says no. He just isnt that sexual of a person and after the newness wears off, he just isnt that sexual.

I asked him if he is even still attracted to me. He said "havent I been showing you that I love you all night? Kissing you and telling you I love you? How could you think I am not attracted to you?"

Dude. I have no idea what is going on. I know I am crazy and everything but sometimes I DO have valid points, and he makes me feel like everything I say is totally absurd. He gets mad that I do not trust him, but he has lied to me in the past about using and money etc. I just don't wanna get hurt.

Please, help me look at this objectively.

Is it just me?

 

[Magickduck]

Hi.

I don't even know where to begin, forreal.

I guess a little background...I will keep it brief, I promise.

-Former IV cocaine and heroin user, daily, multiple years (over 10)
-Several years clean, completely substance-free, including alcohol.
-Relapse of about a 2 month long period
-Currently clean again

So, what's the problem?
I AM A BASKETCASE!

The past few weeks to a month I have been EXTREMELY sensitive and cry, a lot. The smallest thing will go wrong, and I cry. I have been needing constant affection and reassurance from my boyfriend or else I obsess and think about how he doesn't love me and probably will leave me. I have never been this way in my life. I hate who I am becoming. I am going to ruin my relationship with my neediness. I can feel myself smothering my relationship, yet I can't stop having these over the top emotional breakdowns.. almost daily. My boyfriend and I live together and we are in a long term relationship. When we part ways in the morning to go about our daily routines (work etc,) we hug and kiss and say goodbye. I find myself checking my phone A LOT thru out the day to see if he has texted me. When he doesn't, I panic. He says that my expectations are too high, and that I want what I want, when I want it, how I want it.

I realize that its no fun to be around someone who is sad and miserable all the time, and I am afraid I am pushing him away, and I have no idea why I feel this way and have started doing this.

Also, if he and I are in an argument and we leave to go to work or whatever, I literally cannot focus on ANYTHING during my entire day, until it's resolved. I obsess over what was said, and have a few times had these weird day time night mares where I envision getting home and all his shit being moved out.

He tells me he loves me daily, and that he wants to be with me forever... why can't I believe him?

When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. I was given Lithium and I took it for a while and eventually stopped because I thought their diagnosis was wrong, due to the fact that I was injecting cocaine and thought "of course I will appear Bi-polar, I'm a drug user." So I dismissed that.

Now I take no medications except for a non-narc muscle relaxer, adderall, and multi vitamins.

The adderall is not a new medicine, btw.

My boyfriend thinks I am legit crazy. Also, after a bad fight the other evening, he told me that he thought I should go to the psychiatric hospital for a few days and get checked out. I am unable to do an inpatient thing due to reasons of a professional nature.

Not sure if this is PAWS or mental illness or both or none or what.

Can anyone relate? Can anyone give me any pointers on how not to overreact?

Thank you for reading.

aw! its okay, seriously.

Rather than running from these feelings embrace them and confront them. You are feeling this way because one you love him, and two you are at a very intense part of your life, where you are doing a LOT of healing and need someone there for you. You are scared he will leave because you need him right now. I have felt similar with my fiance, as I am in delicate space, however recently I realized she really does love me and is sticking around.

 

[Magickduck]

Hi.
-Several years clean, completely substance-free, including alcohol.

Now I take no medications except for a non-narc muscle relaxer, adderall, and multi vitamins.

The adderall is not a new medicine, btw.

????

 

[deltakappamu]

aw! its okay, seriously.

Rather than running from these feelings embrace them and confront them. You are feeling this way because one you love him, and two you are at a very intense part of your life, where you are doing a LOT of healing and need someone there for you. You are scared he will leave because you need him right now. I have felt similar with my fiance, as I am in delicate space, however recently I realized she really does love me and is sticking around.

I know this is out dated now, but I just wanted you to know that I just now saw this response. Thank you for the response. ))))))

 

[ad lib]

How are things, delta??

 

[pinpoint]

^^This.. I remember this thread. I'm curious/nosey as fuck

 

[Spadez87]

Hi.

I don't even know where to begin, forreal.

I guess a little background...I will keep it brief, I promise.

-Former IV cocaine and heroin user, daily, multiple years (over 10)
-Several years clean, completely substance-free, including alcohol.
-Relapse of about a 2 month long period
-Currently clean again

So, what's the problem?
I AM A BASKETCASE!

The past few weeks to a month I have been EXTREMELY sensitive and cry, a lot. The smallest thing will go wrong, and I cry. I have been needing constant affection and reassurance from my boyfriend or else I obsess and think about how he doesn't love me and probably will leave me. I have never been this way in my life. I hate who I am becoming. I am going to ruin my relationship with my neediness. I can feel myself smothering my relationship, yet I can't stop having these over the top emotional breakdowns.. almost daily. My boyfriend and I live together and we are in a long term relationship. When we part ways in the morning to go about our daily routines (work etc,) we hug and kiss and say goodbye. I find myself checking my phone A LOT thru out the day to see if he has texted me. When he doesn't, I panic. He says that my expectations are too high, and that I want what I want, when I want it, how I want it.

I realize that its no fun to be around someone who is sad and miserable all the time, and I am afraid I am pushing him away, and I have no idea why I feel this way and have started doing this.

Also, if he and I are in an argument and we leave to go to work or whatever, I literally cannot focus on ANYTHING during my entire day, until it's resolved. I obsess over what was said, and have a few times had these weird day time night mares where I envision getting home and all his shit being moved out.

He tells me he loves me daily, and that he wants to be with me forever... why can't I believe him?

When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. I was given Lithium and I took it for a while and eventually stopped because I thought their diagnosis was wrong, due to the fact that I was injecting cocaine and thought "of course I will appear Bi-polar, I'm a drug user." So I dismissed that.

Now I take no medications except for a non-narc muscle relaxer, adderall, and multi vitamins.

The adderall is not a new medicine, btw.

My boyfriend thinks I am legit crazy. Also, after a bad fight the other evening, he told me that he thought I should go to the psychiatric hospital for a few days and get checked out. I am unable to do an inpatient thing due to reasons of a professional nature.

Not sure if this is PAWS or mental illness or both or none or what.

Can anyone relate? Can anyone give me any pointers on how not to overreact?

Thank you for reading.

I'm also bipolar roughly the same age (I'm turning 27 this year) with a big age gap with my gf. She's turning 20 this year.

Tbh I think the way your acting is due to your bipolar. I act the same way more anger then crying though. This is just my opinion from what I read and you should seek a docs opinion.

Also the cocaine does nothing good for people like us. I've never injected anything but done my fair share of blow and goes nuts when I have.

 

[deltakappamu]

Update: I ended up getting back on heroin which took away my bi polar and crazy swings. lol. awful.

We used together and managed to have a decent life and loving relationship (as much as one can while on dope.)

He got sent to prison on some old sales cases and I am currently waiting for him to get out. He gets out feb 14th. Awww IKR?

Anyway, I am in process of getting clean again.. and him being locked up is the longest he has ever been clean (120 shock) so we are gonna give it the good old try again.

I really feel like with BOTH of us clean, things can work very well.

He keeps telling me that everything will be ok... who knows if it will or if its only prison talk.

We shall find out in a few short weeks.

 

[T. Calderone]

Hey glad for the update! That's something how opiates act as a mood stabilizer of sorts isn't it? I numbed myself for years. Then getting clean made me have to see everything with it's ugly realities. That was frightening but necessary. Eventually things got better though.

Do you have a taper planned or strategy for getting clean? Even more so for your boyfriend who will be home in 2 short weeks?

 

[deltakappamu]

Yes, I am currently doing a short sub taper.

And my boyfriend and I Have discussed relapse prevention plans. We both really wanna stay clean.

It sucks because I finally got the courage to admit to him that I have been using the entire time he has been gone. I told him tonight. Didn't go over well but we are going to work through it. Honestly the reason why I did not tell him I was still getting high was because I didn't want him in there thinking about that you know? Make his time even harder. I should have been honest I guess, but my intentions were not malicious. I had planned on telling him at some point after his release. God man, I really hope we can do this. I have been able to put together 2 years of clean time, but he never has had more than 30 days. This will be the longest clean time he has had due to his incarceration. I have been using a lot longer than him.. he is 21 and I am 30.. and prior to me being able to stay clean for 2 years, I was the same as him in the sense that I could never stay clean for more than a month or so, which was usually only because I was in treatment of some sort.

You just made me really excited when you said "...your boyfriend who will be home in 2 short weeks." I mean, its not like I didn't know that already of course, but just reading it and hearing it from someone makes it feel nice