Battle with myself

[EyesSizeOfTheMoon]

Its like my whole life I've always had to question why everything happened to me. I dealt with most of my problems by directing it to other people or just hurting myself. Putting it all into anger just seems to ease the pain a little more I believe. To me depression is the worst feeling any human could ever experience. It corrupts you, breaks you down, demotivates you from even getting out of bed. Like a sharp knife quickly jolting up through my heart into the depths of my soul.

When I turn that self loathing and sadness into anger it just feels so much easier to withstand. I always wonder if I ever did end my life what the hell would happen. If God did exist would he punish me even further for taking something he created away from the world. Will I just suffer in my own personal hell even further to ponder on what I have done with my life. That I completely wasted it by not contributing the slightest to society or have anything worth showing for. All I've ever done was try to fill the black abyss of torment I've had with anything promising of happiness and fulfillment. Since no one cared about making friends with me I finally forced myself to speak to people and put myself in those situations just to get out of my comfort zone. I figured if no ones coming i'll go where the party is myself. Worked for a little then went back to my same old life. Drugs even took part of my self destruction.

Sometimes I feel so numb in my own body. Like someone injected an anesthetic into my soul. I'm aware of whats going on but I can't react anymore. I stand there in the middle of the spot light, glaring at my whole life but can't react to a single damn thing anymore. The only way I can have the slightest sensation of whats real or not anymore is by smoking buds from the ground or snorting my life away off a mirror until my heart starts pounding...letting me know I'm still alive. Or popping pills just to feel normal with clarity, and happiness for a couple of hours. Then sinking back into this life of mine I so much detest.

I feel right now that the only thing that would probably keep me sane and be worthy of actually living my life would be to find my true love. Someone who understands me as do I with them. Sharing each others pain and telling each other everything is going to be okay.....that no matter what happens we'll be there for each other so we can withstand such cruelty and pain life gives us. So far I've only met people that are only interested in one thing or have the wrong idea of what a relationship is suppose to be life. I want so badly to talk and love my significant other with as much passion as I could possibly give but I feel like im the only one who feels that way. Like they dont truly care for me as they tell me they do. They dont show it. Meaningless words that they most likely tell every other guy they've been with on their first encounter.

Shit I really don't have anything worth living for anymore. I mean I've messed up my relationship with my family, how they think of me. I'm no longer that good little boy I use to be back when I was younger. Now im the black sheep of the family. Drug addict, apathetic, angry, lazy, "faggot", whatever else they probably think of me. I messed up school wise almost completely. All my dreams and goals pretty much took a different turn. Since I'm too much of a coward to take my own life, I actually don't find the idea of a serious illness like cancer or something thatll kill me to be scary. In the back of my mind I want it to happen just to have an excuse to kill me with out actually having my own finger pulling the trigger on the side of my head. Almost like a relief. I wont be afraid if I knew my life was about to end. Itd actually give me joy.

Its interesting to know that every person I did drugs with had some sort of personal problems with them. Whether it be with their parents fighting with them, not being there for them, constantly having bad relationships with people, abandonment, etc. I hate how such good people turn into such monsters because of all the shit they had to go through. Even though I suffer myself I cant help but have the biggest sympathy for the people in the same exact position as me. Almost as if they dont deserve to feel that way and I should endure all of that pain since they can make something out of themselves. I compensate by trying to over exaggerate how I think of myself. If I am not loathing myself then I have the greatest attitude towards myself. Like vanity...thinking I am better than others, my looks are superior, high self confidence in myself when really im just insecure and hiding behind a very well sculpted mask. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I wake up every morning wanting to go back into a deep slumber and never awake again. Why in the fuck was I born if I have no purpose in life?? What am I gaining? If its the lessons on how to treat people, how not to act with others as they have done with me, and any other thing thats happened in my life than what is the purpose of having all that knowledge if I can't be content in this world.

Sometimes I feel that itd be better to be ignorant and happy then depressed and knowledgeable of lifes true meanings if thats what im getting from all of this. What to do what to do ....... sorry if this was to long or in the wrong place or whatever. I just felt like I had to vent out everything I felt somewhere. I hate replaying these thoughts in my head over and over without anyone to hear me out

 

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

i found my soulmate when i stopped looking and gave up hope of ever finding someone to both compliment and complete me.

Sometimes we aren't meant to be the person we once thought we should/would become. Pay attention to what the world is trying to tell you. if you are always met with an inpenetrable, unclimbable wall when you try to walk a certain path it is not yet (and may never be) the path you are meant to walk. Gather your bearings, accept this, and find the path you are meant to walk for now.

Even when things don't turn out the way we feel they should, they turn out this way for a reason. Only time, and perserverence can reveal why your life has turned out the way it has...but once revealed, you will know your purpose.

 

[ferrita]

Learn to love yourself first and love will find you. One day it will be staring you in the face. I am a single mom with two kids and have been alone for 16 years. I don't regret it for a minute. Me and relationships dont work. Been burned too many times. But the clearer headed I get, the more I am thinking it may be worth one more shot. lol. Dont give up.

 

[jwestlock]

It's impossible to start a healthy, meaningful relationship while you're a drug addict or depressed. You're just in the completely wrong mindset for that kind of thing. It has to be something you add as a component of a good life, it sure as hell isn't going to be your salvation from a rut.

Seriously though, I've been exploring this a lot. What is your day to day life like? Do you try to eat healthy and exercise? Do you go to work at a job you enjoy, or if you don't enjoy it, are you working on a plan to change that? Are you going out and trying new things, meeting people, pursuing interests? Those are the basic building blocks to a good life, are you working towards them?

Your self image is yours to create. When we suffer from low self confidence we really have a very, very grandiose notion of how other people look down on us or hate us, whatever. It's not true, 9 times out of 10 they're not even paying attention to the things you'd view as flaws and the other time they're a lot more understanding than you'd think. And some people are just unpleasent, if you have people like that in your life, change it.

And lamenting the past is bullshit too. It doesn't exist, only now does.

That's really all there is, you're a living person alive in the world today, you can make a plan and set goals towards a good life, or you can wallow around in self pity and make excuses for not changing things. Seriously, this kind of emo venting is just going to bring you down more.

It sounds like lame motivational speaker crap, but it's basic and true.

Life doesn't suck, there's lots of fun and fulfilling things out there that don't involve taking drugs.

Have you gone to see a doctor and get something for clinical depression? Depression and low points in life happen for everyone, there is so much help and support out there to help us turn things around when they seem so bad.

 

[MeddieFrac]

Yeah, I really wish I was dead right now, but I lack the guts to actually do it. I have been battling depression since middle school. Life has no meaning to me. Right now I hear my sisters laughing and smiling and having a good time in the other room (yes, I am 23 living with my parents.) I have never felt any of that. I am ready to die soon. Sometimes you just have to pull the plug. Sometimes a life isn't worth salvaging.

But those are just my personal feelings, and I really DO NOT think you should ever kill youself. I hope the best for you.

 

[MeddieFrac]

And yeah, I've done a lot of drugs to self-medicate. There is no other option then to do drugs. It's either that, or lay in bed all day wishing I was dead until my parents have me sent to the psych ward (I've already been there 4 times.)

 

[Asclepius]

If there is anything I truly believe in, it's this- Nobody is going to come along and make your life worth living!...Sure you might fall head over heels and be ridiculously attracted to someone, BUT, all that stuff loses it's lustre after the initial 'Honeymoon Period' tapers.
Then lies the real challenge: dealing with someone elses needs and trying to balance them against your own. Then theirs Jealousy, Envy, Suspicion, Anger, Bitterness, Confusion, Frustration, Control and all the other negative ingredients which can pop up and you have to contend with in a relationship to make it 'work'. Really think Companionship Love and Trust is an Invaluable experience but personally, think its ridiculous to expect that somone is going to come along and make life better for me.
Its funny how people are so Sceptical about Religion but yet stil believe in Romance? Im a Romantic Character by Nature; when I was younger I learned the hard way that the universe did not center around MY feelings and that i was naively seduced by the idea of 'LOVE'(which wasnt real Love but 'Ego stroking') After the initial hell of Lost Innocence I realised that I had been Fed and been believing in a whole load of bullshit for most of my young life. I now, not for one second believe in that crap - Its a lie perpetuated by society to keep the sex roles in check and to keep young people in their sexual prime -either Narcassistic or feeling Not good enough and ripe to manipulate with the pop, movie, clothes, cosmetic, porn, drug etc industries Look at - Twilight for Krist sakes?!8)
Look there is nothing wrong with the whole 'Soul Mate' concept per se(if it is a genuine happy, respectful partnership grounded in reality) but it is not the Magic Answer for everyone like it is so popularly but falsely potrayed.
Very often it is just a psychological game between people who are 'in love' with the idea of being 'in love' and when the energy of the game they play begins to wane they begin to see each other for what they truly are and very often this is NOT the romantic ideal that they had initially been deluded by!
Its not for everyone but its assumed in Society that everyone should strive for this 'Holy Grail' pipe dream and very often abandon their own personal growth for it.
As chance may have it and should someone come into your life, If you are accepting of yourself- warts and all -you will be better equipped to deal with another persons flaws and after the Opium of attraction fades(which it inevitably will) it will make it easier to commit to loving someone in a real and selfless way rather than trying to use them ONLY to make yourself feel better and maybe they using you also for whatever reason.
Relationship or not, real life is difficult and painfull for everyone, anyone who seems to genuinely tell you otherwise is either insanely stupid insanely high or living in a well sealed, cushioned bubble since they were spat out of the womb! Chin up, theres a comfort knowing there is nothing wrong with being seriously pissed off .

However, we have to take responsibility for striving for some succor for ourselves; whether it be reaching out for help or confronting our own demons/destructive behaviour etc
Theres alot of talk in this Forum about how brave suicide is, and to be honest, I'm so sick and angry of listening to people caving in to some stupid idea that is romanticising death. As ive mentioned in previous posts, I have been there myself and have the utmost of compassion for people going through depression and difficult times but if you need to kick your own ass to love yourself or get someone else to it for you, then do!! Promise to commit to love yourself like you would love a child in need of a parent -you are beautiful and unique and anyone who tries to contradict that is all shades of fuking idiot and dont forget that!
-Take back the power from these soul sucking pieces of crap, these facets of society that suck people of their Esteem and Right to live as themselves!! If you need to get out there and distract yourself from yourself or whatever else is stunting your quality of life(lonleyness, Drugs, Boredom, Low self worth, TV, Bullying, so called friends, Unempathetic pple) then get out there. There are plenty of Voluntary organisations in need of people to contribute their power and skills to helping other people who also cant help themselves(ther is always someone in a worse position than you are in life-fact!)sometimes this generating of unconditonal love can restore your will to live and give you the oppertunity to meet people who care about human welfare and spirit and may inspire you to even better enjoy your life! Whatever you need to do to keep your heart beating do it now!!!!!!!!!...Because there is too much hate and fear of life in the world and we gotta fight to bring this bullshit down and turn this slurry pit of destruction into something manageable and something better for this and next generations. Living doesnt mean you have to be all Happy Clappy Polly/Paully Positive whos uber sexy confident blah blah- Fuk that!! Even if you cant shake off the Loser label it dont mean you dont deserve to live-give yourself a break! -JUST BE YOURSELF!!! If thers things you feel you can improve on then try to do so, if not then accept what is for the present and go LIVE!

PS. Eyes Wide, being depressed gives you certain insights but dont allow yourself to feel arrogantly better. Depressed states alone keep people trapped in one mode of thought, which may renders us stuck and foolish -depressed states need a positive balance otherwise there is no true understanding to be gained! Imagine composing the most poignant beautiful tune in your head and not having the skill to reproduce/write/play it-what a waste! Oh, and thanks for venting, much like flatulence -always better out than in, keep it up.

 

[Depressicaa]

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=524939

I posted something here that might be able to help.

If you feel that you're a loser, most likely you are. That doesn't make it impossible or even difficult to change.
We all know what the answers are, but our own experiences dictate what would treat us best. For me I think it will be a mixture of psychedelics and stimulants. I reset my brain, then stim through stuff. Repeat as necessary with the resets. You could benefit from a psychedelic experience as well.

People are creatures of habit. You're used to fucking around, being lazy, a black sheep basically. You think that its a crappy life and you're ready to change.

Yet you don't know how to. Thats up to you to find out.

Find your direction, and you're gonna be awesome. I had a lot of mental potential that was simply destroyed by depression, crushing my ability to feel happy. Oh I still don't laugh out loud when people tell jokes, and many other antisocial tendencies. I've been antisocial enough to fake stuff very well though, hopefully I can stop faking it someday and become what I wanna be. But I know I'm on the right track, I'll get there. Life is a journey to get where you want to. Looking for love, find the right tools to find love. Look in the right places. Get where you want to go, and don't ever half ass it.

I was in a rut as well, got out of high school, felt like shit didn't do anything to sign up for college whats the point? Stayed in the basement of my mom's house, she pulled the internet on me, stayed around feeling miserable for myself all the time, went to work in Michigan doing hard labor. Looking back, hard physical effort allows you to forget your own pain and stupid work is a somewhat good way to treat depression because you forget about yourself. If you're lazy you need to get up and do something. Doesn't matter if its selfish, you have to get to your goal.