bad string of luck (e depression?)

soulfly

soulfly

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Oct 24, 1999
Messages
5,812
Location
south boston, Ma USA
is anyone else having some really AWFUL strings of luck and really are considering ending their lives? well i'm at this point now...i'm just tired and defeated...i can't get ahead in anything... and the only thing i still enjoy doing and that isn't totally fucked up are pills. I feel the way that I feel coming off a truly classic roll and BOOM...it's over...i feel that way all the time
i guess i just trying to reconcile all the shit that's been happening and decide if there is another way out or not
i'm a miserable person all the time...but the only time when things are ok...is when i'm rolling. I couldn't care less if the world blew up when i'm rolling...but it's times like this when i really wonder if there's any hope....
 
soulfly
That doesn't sound too good at all!! I am sorry to hear you are feeling soo low. What are the 'bad' things that are happening?
Are you low or depressed do you think?
Regarding have I felt that way or do I feel that way now the answers are 'yes absolutely' and 'no'. I have felt pretty shittee at times and wondered if life was worth living. The thing is no matter how bad things have got eventually I come through - and so will you. One smart person once said - "that which does not kill me makes me stronger". This is true. Maybe it's time to chat - I would be happy to listen - or read in this case - no worries.
The worst time in my life (or worst times) was when I looked back on my life and saw mistake after mistake or realised I hadn't been a really great success at anything that I thought REALLY mattered. Of course in the light of less depression I realise that this was silly thinking. I have done ok. I just set very high goals and...admittedly - I feel someone with my skills and talents often goes unnoticed. Therefore I have learnt to congratulate myself (no one else does or ever will - except my husband of course). I mean sometimes I get compliments and these days I tend to note them very deliberatley and savour them. I had two over yesterday and today. One from my best friend (that might have been yesterday but it still feels recent) and one from a friend on the phone at about 10:30pm.
I used to ignore compliments now I try and ignore criticism (especially from ME - which is usually worse than anybody else could dish out!!).
Anyway I want you to know you are not alone in feeling bad about yourself and/ or life. Sometimes it is just bad luck that upsets me and this may be the case for you. I think many of us have felt like that every now and again. Don't give up. Just wait this time out and chat.... You can get some help and advice from others who care....Trust me..it will be ok.
Tell me more!!! I am really interested. And to be honest I like to know I am not the only one who feels the way you are feeling.
Are you upset at life's circumstances or...do you feel under accomplished or something else???
 
i know what you are talkin about i too have been having some bad luck really felt as though i was nothing. yesterday i had to talk to a shrink cause my ma thought i was gonna kill myself. i'm over that feelin though it's just not worth it. No matter what goes on in life or how many bad things that happen in the day,tomarrow is always a new chance that you've been blessed wiith so make the best you can of each one of them. hold your loved ones count your blessins and remember those little things that always make you happy. keep your head up and your eyes open,cause happiness doesn't always just come sometimes you have to look for it. if you need someone to talk to me e-mail me and i'd love to talk to you.
you're beautiful
blaze
 
i think we all go through this somewhat...you're not alone!!...but i have a feeling it has a lot to do with e depression as far as the magnitude. i used to roll more consistantly a few years ago a remember feeling really depressed, but since i had "paused" my rolling i feel much better.
one suggestion...have you tried St. John's Wort [an herbal anti-depressant?] thats what i used because i was somewhat scared about using Prozac.
All-in-all you're gonna be fine!! talking about it really helps and
learn to find bliss in the little things: ex: yesterday a ladybug landed on my arm when i was walking home from class...
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this message has been brought to you by the letter E...
 
i think we all go through this somewhat...you're not alone!!...but i have a feeling it has a lot to do with e depression as far as the magnitude. i used to roll more consistantly a few years ago a remember feeling really depressed, but since i had "paused" my rolling i feel much better.
one suggestion...have you tried St. John's Wort [an herbal anti-depressant?] thats what i used because i was somewhat scared about using Prozac.
All-in-all you're gonna be fine!! talking about it really helps and
learn to find bliss in the little things: ex: yesterday a ladybug landed on my arm when i was walking home from class...
------------------
this message has been brought to you by the letter E...
 
soulfly,
please hang in there. as awful and pointless as things may seem to you right now, things really *can* get better.
you do need to do some work to get to that better place, but it is *so* worth it. not only will you regain a sense of balance in your life, but you'll also be able to be really proud of yourself for having pulled yourself out of the pain you're in right now.
actually, I think you should be proud of yourself for having posted your message, because it's really hard to admit that there is a problem in the first place. congratulations, you. you've made the first step towards defeating your demons.
so many of us know what it's like to feel empty inside and not give a fuck anymore... you're definitely not alone.
e-depression sucks, and moderation is key to helping us get through it all. the more you roll, the better you'll feel *in the moment*, but the worse you'll feel when it all wears off. give yourself breaks, make time to do things you used to enjoy, take up some hobbies, get a pen pal, take a bike ride, adopt a pet from an animal shelter - just DO something to try to develop some interests to drown out the despair and pretty soon you might find that there really are reasons for going on in life.
can you try talking w/ someone? it's a good sign that you've opened up about this and posted here, and you are going to get a lot of love and support from the Bluelighters, but there is no substitute for a good therapeutic talk session w/ a professional.
anti-depressants can also sometimes do wonders in addition to, or instead of, therapy. please don't give up. and if you care to talk more about what is troubling you, please write. we do care about you and what you're going through. and a lot of us have been where you are now...
good luck.
PLUR
vertigo
[This message has been edited by vertigo (edited 11 November 1999).]
 
Hi soulfly
I'm very sorry to hear that things are looking so bleak for you at the moment. At times like this I know that any words of support, sympathy or compassion can seem banal and trite, but I nonetheless encourage you to absorb what I and others from this board have to say to you.
Life certainly sucks ferociously sometimes, doesn't it? You need to keep in mind that crises are tempory, but suicide is permanent. And I think many of us have been where you are now. There are times when it all seems so hopeless; when it looks as though there really is no point even trying to continue. But rest assured you will rise above the difficulties you are presently facing. There is indeed light at the end of that dark tunnel of despair. It may go unnoticed at first, but eventually it will come into focus - but only if you've got the strength and courage to make the journey. Do you have enough inner strength to keep going, soulfly? Of course you do. One of the keys to overcoming this awful period is to talk about your difficulties to those amongst your friends and family who know the art of listening and who can provide genuine, loving support. Although discussing your difficulties with some caring people won't make your worries disappear, you will find that talking your heart out to the right people will, to a large degree, rob your problems of their power to drive you to despair.
You mentioned in your post that you are experiencing "some really awful strings of luck". In a way, I am encouraged by this. If your present situation has been brought about by a series of episodes of 'bad luck', then you will know that brighter days are just around the corner. Luck does not stay bad forever - over the coming days, weeks and months you may very well find yourself the beneficiary of a string of 'good' luck.
Before signing off I'd like to remind you that anything we decide to do in life has consequences for other people. If you kill yourself you will end your own misery but will leave a blanket of pain and desolation draped across the broken shoulders of the loved ones you leave behind. Even just for that reason alone, ending your life should never be an option.
Hang in there soulfly - noone's life is a smooth, easy road. There are lots of bumps along the way, and how we cope with them says a lot about the type of people we are. Before you know it you'll look back on this dark period of course with a sense of sadness for how awful it all seemed but also with a sense of pride for having not given up and for having the strength to struggle through.
Please, PLEASE keep us up to date. And don't be shy about posting more information on what's been going on in your life that has led you to feel the way you do.
- MikeBrady
..
 
Gosh!! These guys are so insightful.
I hope soulfly you get something out of what the four above have said as I am certainly feeling moved. Their advice and observations are so true. I certainly wish I had had this board a few months ago. (And I tell you Mike Brady (my hubbie) never said anything like that to me - amazing!!!)
Hope to hear from you soon. I won't give any (more) advice as I think the guys above really said it all very well.
I apologise if my advice is a bit silly sounding but I really feel for you and would love to see you through this time. Hang in there soulfly.
 
hey soulfly,
this is your cousin drgnfly (j/k)
hang in there. we all share your pain. and we are all here for you.
sometimes i guess there are times when you are down but i guess that when you just need to take a break from everything and just do the things that make you happy and get yourself back on your feet.
i know that these are corny words... but still here for ya...
hang in there, thing will get better.
P:L:U:R
------------------
Buzzin
DrgnFly
""""""""""qp"""""""""""
*****BEAN me up Scotty*****
 
hey all
thank you so much for all the encouraging posts...it really means something to me when 6 or 7 people i don't even know will take time out of their day to offer some support to someone they've never met. Those are all great words...and they do help do a point... but i really think i do need to get some more intensive help at this point. I ended up leaving work after only an hour yesterday because i broke down...and i went straight to the therapist that i saw a couple times before... just to try to level me out and get me through the rest of that day. And well, i'm here...but tonight was chaos...my girlfriend pages me at 2:30 in the morning...drunk and she had torched her arm with a lighter on purpose...real nasty burn too... i picked her up at 3:00 this morning and brought back to my house,then she absolutely FLIPS out and starts screaming that she hates me... never wants to see me again, then she starts getting violent... and while i'm restraining her...she bites down on my lip with full force and it started pouring blood...by the time i got her to her house..it's 5:00 am and she's wavering between apologizing and hitting me occassionally... she finally came around by 5:30ish and we just chilled together until i had to leave for work...she really is a great girl and this is the first time she's done anything like this...but she just hates herself (much as i did for most of my life...suicide attempts..etc...) and somehow i struck a serious nerve in her because i treat her so well..and she can't understand it. So we have to work on killing the "hate" part of her...and it's hard because i jsut recently killed mine...
this was just last night
on top of this...thursday the IRS went into my bank account and put a levy on it...they just claimed every penny i have... because i screwed up my taxes last year... i have barely any gas to get to work... no cigarettes...and i was supposed to go to a rave tonight and pick up some pills (one of the few things i still look forward to)
this post will be continued in a sec...got to reboot my damn computer
 
sorry this is an obscenely long post...so for anyone bored enough to still be reading about my pathetic life... well, thanks
anyways... on top of this... last night i find out my ex fiancee is getting married...
my other ex girlfriend is going for an abortion TODAY and i was supposed to go with her... but she threw a hissy fit the other day and told me she doesn't want me to go...plus i find out that she lied to me and there is osme serious doubt as to whether or not it's even mine...
my home life sucks, my mother and i despise each other... but i'm moving out on the 19th with a couple friends...i just need to come up with an obscene amount of money in 2 and a 1/2 weeks...
i'm going to miss the pennywise show this sunday that i've been waiting for because i have no money...plus missing the rave and my weekly E drop...add on top of that 165$ that my old dealer stole from me...plus i'm going to court on monday
and we've moved to a new floor at work and i hate it...i'm sitting BETWEEN my group manager and my line manager...and YES i STILL hate my job (ha)
anyways, thats the SHORT version....and this has been over the course of about a week
i have decided to get back into therapy.... and i'm starting tuesday. i really hate going there though...because they have a tendency to focus on the drug use (anyone else find this to be true with just about everyone??) and not offering much support...and i don't want to go back on medications because of drug interractions...and they make me stupid and forgetful...
i jsut am not sure where to go from here....and i'm desperately trying to figure all this out
but i want to say thank you to all the bluelighters out there..especially the ones who took the time to respond... if this bluelight rave ever gets off the ground...expect me to show my gratitude
anways..i have to go call the IRS now and beg for my money so i can get to work...and put some more ice on my lip cause it's killing me
oh..and by the way... i'm sorry to be posting non-E related items on this board...adn i promise i will stop before i recieve a cease and desist order from jase and skydancer
you all are the absolute definition of PLUR
soulfly
 
wow!
big hug from halo....as howard jones said in the '80s 'things can only get better.' they will bro, and as soon as you go through this wack transition you'll be back to the good ol' weekly drop again.
smile.gif
wink.gif
stay tight and all of your bluelight friends will keep you up!
p.l.u.r.
 
Keep us up to date soulfly.
Everything passes eventually and it sounds like you are doing your best so good on you!!
 
soulfly
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man, we all go there sometime.
fuck your weekly drop, everything's just a phase.
it's even better not to escape.
remember, when people fuck you up, that it just prooves that their tiny and degraded people, and you're not.
it's not worth being down because of shitheads.
rESPECT
djvu
 
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