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Back to where i started

gypsiejunkie

gypsiejunkie

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 17, 2013
Messages
122
Location
Topeka ks
Hey remember blue light? I did! I've been reading all my posts from almost 2 years ago attempting to gain insight into where I was vs where I am now. I started posting on here a few months before I went into a 6 month inpatient program, that was in November of 2013. Long story short, when I came back for Christmas I relapsed immediately and got arrested. When I was in jail I had a spiritual experience that has stuck with me ever since. I went back and finished rehab (5 more months) and graduated in May.
When I graduated I was dead set on sobriety. I felt great and my family was proud of me. I dealt with a lot of the resentment and trauma of my past and was ready to move forward. Unfortunately though, I tried to make things work with my husband and he wasn't quite in the same mindset as I was and I relapsed 3 weeks after getting back.
I left him and wasn't too horribly discouraged knowing perserverance is key in addiction. I kept this mindset for months, messing up here and there picking myself back up and trying again.
It's been 16 months though since I've been out of rehab. I haven't had more than 3 weeks sober since then. I don't know how but I somehow ended up a daily user again. It was a very slow climb but now I'm just as addicted as ever. Fortunately rehab helped me deal with a lot of faulty thought processes though and I haven't returned to suicidal tendencies or all out recklessness.

I try to pray everyday. My main prayer is "thy will be done" because I know that this isn't how I'm supposed to live and left to my own devices...well let's just say "my will" sucks. I pray that I can find a way out.
The 5 months I had in rehab was the longest period of sobriety I've had in 11 years. Those 5 months were in an institution where I didn't have any temptation available. What can I do?
No one knows I've been using this whole time, everyone is still proud of me and it's depressing as hell. I think maybe a couple people have doubts but I have been moving forward and very responsible for the last year and a half since I've been out. I got a great job, I met an awesome man 4 months ago and my family relationships have been amazing. I don't know why or how everything has not crumbled beneath me but it hasn't. I don't understand why I'm so functional. I don't deserve any of the blessings I have, yet things just keep getting better for me for some reason... All except this pesky IV opiate usage. Yeah...what?
Just looking for some opinion on how to quit without everything going to shit first. I mean I have A LOT to lose now...it's not like before. People trust me, I have friends and family that rely on me and I rely on them, i have a good job. If anyone finds out I will be fucked!!! Trying to get sober on the down low though is so incredibly difficult and I couldn't do it fresh out of rehab with all the support so I don't know what to do. What a mess...

Oh yeah on a side not...the arrest resulted in me being on probation and I was drug tested every other week or so. I always sobered up and passed every test. I just got off probation at the end of July and obviously without the need to sober up every so often...I haven't.
 
I would source some buprenorphine and self-administer a rapid taper privately. This assumes, of course, that YOU'RE REALLY READY TO STOP. If you're not, you're just going to relapse again.

But if you're really dedicated to stopping, buprenorphine will mask most of your initial symptoms (it's not a total "get out of jail free" card, but it's close), so most people won't notice that "you're sick", and it takes 1 or 2 weeks so it won't be so prolonged, nor does it require you to go to rehab (or prison for that matter).

Furthermore, buprenorphine does not show up on most basic drug tests (there are tests that detect it, but I don't think it's common).

Most people will tell you that you need to be on high doses for a long time, or you need to be on methadone for years, etc. I don't think this is necessary and only ends up trading one addiction for another (the latter usually being a more difficult kick because it's a long-acting substance). The taper I recommend starts at 8-12mg/day and drops by 2mg every day, then glides at 0.5mg for a few days, finally dropping off after a couple days at 0.25mg.

This has always worked for me, but I also never used IV and took frequent breaks to reset my tolerance. Your mileage may vary, but a rapid buprenorphine taper is my idea of a gold standard of opioid detox.

Good luck. BL is here to help you out whenever you need support.

Edit: Other substances will help as well when used in conjuction with the buprenorphine, such as benzos, cannabis, clonidine, GHB, etc. Do some reading around, there's been plenty of discussions regarding adjunct chemicals that assist during withdrawal.
 
Thanks for the reply! The main issue at hand isn't necessarily the w/d's though. I know how to handle that and can get some subs fairly easily, though I've been looking for benzos all year and no one seems to have them. My main concern is that I have debilitating anxiety and depression and opiates have been my self medication. I've tried to go the Zoloft/clonidine route but they've never been effective! I absolutely hate antidepressants, they do nothing to help! Clonidine wasn't bad but another problem I have is not having insurance and the healthcare around here SUCKS ASS!!! I guess I'm making excuses here it's just very hard to jump through the thousands of hoops to get ineffective help. So yea I guess I'm just worried about getting off the opiates and then everyone is going to think I relapsed because I'm all of a sudden anxious and depressed! Jeez it's just so backwards! So my mental addiction is just so strong I want to quit...I NEED to quit but when I do I'm less functional. I'm just so discouraged and I wonder how people do it. Once the depression and anxiety come back...as soon as I'm sober I'm a mess and then relapse. Do you think I should try and get Benzos from a Dr or anyone for that matter? I really just want effective help for this anxiety. I don't *think* I will abuse it.
 
our stories are very similar long story ,short version I went thru a 30 day in-patient rehab to get of Oxy's and benzos from June - July of this yr, my husband and kids (18 20 and 21 ) are all so proud and happy that I doing well ,but little do they know I started usuing again about a week ago this is the biggest secret ever, my rehab stint was my one get out of jail free card, and I will be totally un supported I'm told if I ever relapse, all my usage was due to too major chronic pain in my r foot,I have been going to pain mgmt for 2 yrs and everyone knew about that , well when I got home and at rehab I was prescribed neurontin for my pain and it did work for awhile ,but the pain came back twice as bad :( so I called pain mgmt just to c if I could get back in the program figuring that they would say no way but they didn't and here I go again I figured since I was clean for two months I could control it and take only the prescribed dose hah that lasted about one day ,if I fess up I'll get kicked out and I have no where to go, so I'm fucked, my husband is a great man but can be a huge dick , and part of my usage is to escape that ,aim not a drinker so that's out, and I do have legit pain , so I'm in a tough spot any suggestions would be great!!
gypsiejunkie said:
Hey remember blue light? I did! I've been reading all my posts from almost 2 years ago attempting to gain insight into where I was vs where I am now. I started posting on here a few months before I went into a 6 month inpatient program, that was in November of 2013. Long story short, when I came back for Christmas I relapsed immediately and got arrested. When I was in jail I had a spiritual experience that has stuck with me ever since. I went back and finished rehab (5 more months) and graduated in May.
When I graduated I was dead set on sobriety. I felt great and my family was proud of me. I dealt with a lot of the resentment and trauma of my past and was ready to move forward. Unfortunately though, I tried to make things work with my husband and he wasn't quite in the same mindset as I was and I relapsed 3 weeks after getting back.
I left him and wasn't too horribly discouraged knowing perserverance is key in addiction. I kept this mindset for months, messing up here and there picking myself back up and trying again.
It's been 16 months though since I've been out of rehab. I haven't had more than 3 weeks sober since then. I don't know how but I somehow ended up a daily user again. It was a very slow climb but now I'm just as addicted as ever. Fortunately rehab helped me deal with a lot of faulty thought processes though and I haven't returned to suicidal tendencies or all out recklessness.

I try to pray everyday. My main prayer is "thy will be done" because I know that this isn't how I'm supposed to live and left to my own devices...well let's just say "my will" sucks. I pray that I can find a way out.
The 5 months I had in rehab was the longest period of sobriety I've had in 11 years. Those 5 months were in an institution where I didn't have any temptation available. What can I do?
No one knows I've been using this whole time, everyone is still proud of me and it's depressing as hell. I think maybe a couple people have doubts but I have been moving forward and very responsible for the last year and a half since I've been out. I got a great job, I met an awesome man 4 months ago and my family relationships have been amazing. I don't know why or how everything has not crumbled beneath me but it hasn't. I don't understand why I'm so functional. I don't deserve any of the blessings I have, yet things just keep getting better for me for some reason... All except this pesky IV opiate usage. Yeah...what?
Just looking for some opinion on how to quit without everything going to shit first. I mean I have A LOT to lose now...it's not like before. People trust me, I have friends and family that rely on me and I rely on them, i have a good job. If anyone finds out I will be fucked!!! Trying to get sober on the down low though is so incredibly difficult and I couldn't do it fresh out of rehab with all the support so I don't know what to do. What a mess...

Oh yeah on a side not...the arrest resulted in me being on probation and I was drug tested every other week or so. I always sobered up and passed every test. I just got off probation at the end of July and obviously without the need to sober up every so often...I haven't.
Click to expand...
 
The more I write this out, the more I know what I need to do. I just sincerely wish I hadn't picked back up immediately upon returning from rehab. And I sincerely wish I was a dysfunctional addict 's vs. a dysfunctional human being...sigh
 
I'm going to rehab soon, tomorrow I have an interview with a doctor to decide whether they're going to put me in inpatient or IOP. I don't really understand what this "screening" is about, and I might have to wait another week or longer before I actually start the program..
I've been a heavy abuser of DXM for years, everyday until I overdosed and ended up in the ICU , told I had to be ressucitated twice after I took DXM and a small dose of benadryl (50mg) and then hours later, thinking it would be ok, I did a few bumps of heroin and took between 2mg-4mg of klonopin. I don' remember anything after coming home and taking off my shoes, after that I was in the ICU with my parents both there, and the looks on their faces, especially my moms, was something I can't put into words but it really made me want to stop doing drugs because i never want my mother to have to experience anything like that again because of me. I DID stop using DXM, I have been off it for 2+ years but unforuntately I substitued one addiction for another, and as my re[acement I chose heroin because its so available and cheap and easy to get. what an idiot, now I'm in the worst position/sitiuation I've ever been in in my life. I am really regretful of so many bad decisions i made.

You have to look at your decisions as 2 paths, one leads to sunshine (sobriety) and the other leads to a hurricane (which is drug addiction...you will be happy for a short time but your life will spiral out of control, you know this already but we still choose that path just for the instant gratification and pleasure of the drug. You have to be DETERMINED and motivated, PASSIONATE about being sober. Learn to hate the piece of shit scumbag drug addict you were (Not saying you are that, that's just what I say about my drug addict self). You need to learn to love yourself and make only healthy decisions for yourself. You know what the consequences are...I would suggest making a list of things to do in order to stop you from going out and copping or using. Call someone to talk you out of it, tell them you need them to remind you that you can't do that shit,, and that they care about you and don't want you to use...try a bunch of things you can do that will likely deter you from wanting to get high, or just guilt trip you into not getting high. if I call my mom and talk to her while im itching for dope, I am definitely less likely to get it. But the main thing is you need to do it for yourself and be passionate about being awesome and sober. It's such a better existence. PM me anytime.
 
jojo1939 said:
our stories are very similar long story ,short version I went thru a 30 day in-patient rehab to get of Oxy's and benzos from June - July of this yr, my husband and kids (18 20 and 21 ) are all so proud and happy that I doing well ,but little do they know I started usuing again about a week ago this is the biggest secret ever, my rehab stint was my one get out of jail free card, and I will be totally un supported I'm told if I ever relapse, all my usage was due to too major chronic pain in my r foot,I have been going to pain mgmt for 2 yrs and everyone knew about that , well when I got home and at rehab I was prescribed neurontin for my pain and it did work for awhile ,but the pain came back twice as bad :( so I called pain mgmt just to c if I could get back in the program figuring that they would say no way but they didn't and here I go again I figured since I was clean for two months I could control it and take only the prescribed dose hah that lasted about one day ,if I fess up I'll get kicked out and I have no where to go, so I'm fucked, my husband is a great man but can be a huge dick , and part of my usage is to escape that ,aim not a drinker so that's out, and I do have legit pain , so I'm in a tough spot any suggestions would be great!!
Click to expand...

I've been clean for several months, and once the opportunity was right in front of me to get dope and get high, I took it. So stupid. and I felt the same way you did. "I've been sober all this time, I have been through addiction/rehab, I can control it this time." But it never works out that way. And it's not even "1 day at a time" it's more like "Every 10 seconds at a time" because those opportunities to get drugs can always be around you no matter what. They are everywhere. The Gov't and DEA don't give a shit they are doing a pathetic job of trying to control drug traffic or keep drugs off the streets. In NY/NJ where I live he shit is everywhere and sold by people you would least expect and the people using are people you wouldn't expect. It's in every social class and race and age. I know a dealer and he sells to 19 year old strippers, 19 year old college students, 50-60 year old grandmothers, and people who work everyday and have successful careers. The shit is out of control and it's fucking crazy. We have to be better and smarter, stronger, more evolved (survival of the fittest) than these people and have the willpower to not lose that battle and get high. Be better than everyone else who is fighting this losing battle trying to get high and have a normal life, you will just burn yourself out.
 
gypsiejunkie, I'm in a similar boat. I'm not going to describe my whole situation again but I also am an IV user, have also been to inpatient treatment (several times,) also relapsed within a very short amount of time after getting out and haven't put together more than a couple days of clean time since, and this isn't over a period of a couple weeks or months, but about a decade now. For more details you can look at my previous posts.
Was that 6-month inpatient program your first experience with treatment? Have you had experience with methadone or suboxone? What's your "social circle" or support network like, does anyone within it know the true state/extent of your drug use, who are you closest to?
What are you going to do?
 
gypsiejunkie said:
...The main issue at hand isn't necessarily the w/d's though...My main concern is that I have debilitating anxiety and depression and opiates have been my self medication. I've tried to go the Zoloft/clonidine route but they've never been effective! I absolutely hate antidepressants, they do nothing to help!
Click to expand...

I agree, I can handle the physical symptoms of withdrawal (except insomnia, I really FEAR that part of it) but it's the depression and anxiety that really kill me. It just so happens that buprenorphine is excellent when it comes to treating these symptoms (at least for me). In fact, I've often thought that low-dose bupe (probably 0.5-1mg/day) would be great for treating depression OR anxiety in opioid naive individuals. I also can confirm that the traditional antidepressants really suck.

Of course, the gold standard for anxiety is certainly benzos. You can probably get them prescribed if you go about it the right way with your doctor. I can't really help you with that part, though.

I'd recommend the buprenorphine, some benzos, and some self administered cognitive behavioral therapy to deal with the depression and anxiety.
 
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Bah! I tried to respond I don't know what happened! Anyway, thanks for all the responses!
The 6 month inpatient was my first experience with rehabilitation. I didn't use methadone or suboxone during that time. I have been on methadone before but I think it is the most evil drug there is...I've never been prescribed suboxone either but I have used it before and am thinking about trying that again.
The only people that know I use are the people I use with. Only one is a close friend, he's like a brother but obviously he can't help me except to stay away if I ask. I'm very close with my sister but telling her is not even close to an option. The only person I can imagine telling is my boyfriend because I think he has a pretty good idea I'm using but is in denial about it. It's just so risky to tell anyone but at the same time it's hard to quit with no accountability.
If I just work as hard to get subs and benzos as I do opiates I'll be good to go
 
While praying to something outside of yourself may indeed help you, it is not enough. The idea of a higher power is simply the acceptance that you need a larger framework than the mindset of your own ego. Our egos are always hungry--hungry for love from the outside, hungry for acceptance and validation from the outside, hungry for pleasures that will temporarily satisfy us. But the larger framework, the spiritual connection, is simply a beautiful place to transcend the confines of the ego and define your life as something greater. You gained some wonderful insights and some very practical tools and you can keep building on these. Don't allow your trajectory that includes relapses to define you--recovery is a process, a very long process (some say lifelong but I think that depends on the person). You are in a good place even if it doesn't appear to be. You can see your weaknesses and address them. What happens when you relapse? Usually there is the "fuck it, I will never change" thought loop. If that is present, what thoughts could you articulate to argue with that when it comes up?

P.S. Glad to see you back, gypsy even if it is not how you may have wanted to return! The best thing about Bluelight is the lack of judgment. Trying not to judge yourself and at the same time be honest with yourself and not rationalize is difficult to say the least. Your impulse to reach out for support is a good one.<3
 
I did the same thing relapsing when I got out of rehab. I tricked myself into thinking I could use moderately and before long, it was the same shit all over again. It's a challenge finding things to do that don't involve getting high when you're so used to looking forward to that "reward." You have to ask yourself if you really want to quit. Subs are ideal for tapering off but if you don't have insurance, they're expensive. I would advise staying away from benzos because of addiction potential and the withdrawals are very harsh.
 
Thanks for the welcome back herbivore, and the responses everyone :) I really do appreciate it ❤ I want to clarify what I meant in my original post.
I didn't mean that prayer was my only tool that I expected to "cure" me or anything, but my relationship with God was a HUGE hinderance in my life all around. My main point is that because of prayer and my reconciliation with spirituality and God I haven't gotten stuck in the whole "I'm a failure, this is just who I am, i should just give up, blah blah blah etc." mentality.
The rehab I went to...I just can't emphasize how incredible these people were (despite my personal shortcomings haha)
Anyway, after all the therapy and working through all the trauma in my life, I know that my choice to use is a direct contradiction of who I am. These drugs are taking me further from my true self and knowing that eliminates a lot of self loathing and self pity. Luckily this is really helpful in a relapse because I know there's a way out I'm just trying to figure out what it is...
I don't think I'm in denial, I didn't ever think for a second I could control it. I knew I had an addiction. I was actually suprised it took so long to get out of hand. I also know it's going to follow me around the rest of my life in some form or another like it does LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN BEING, whether it is chocolate, shopping, or relationships this is something everyone, but especially those of us with serious tendencies toward addiction have to keep in check.
I known this is long winded, but hear me out :)
I'm not who I used to be when I first posted on blue light. I'm not terrified of living, suicidal, self loathing, or resentful to the point of hating anyone. I just keep failing over and over again to temptaion. I feel like the problem is much lighter and easier to handle because I've dealt with so many of the deeper issues, but at the same time...how can I stop?
 
So maybe "back to where I started" isn't exactly the best description of where I'm at, but you guys know what I mean! Ugh! It's just so confusing to feel like I've grown so much in the past 2 years and yet still be making the same seriously terrible life decisions
 
Damn it! I also wanted to say that I want to respond to every one of these posts but I can't figure out how to take specific quotes out of posts. I have to type all this out on my phone so it's kind of difficult but man, every one of these are encouraging and helpful.
 
Hey gypsie!

Have you thought about maintenance? I hate to hear you say things like if you just had the willpower, you could do this, or the self blame you are going through. This is way bigger than just a matter of will. It's so great you realize where you are and that you want to change it, and while I am sure I may get some shit for saying it, maybe some extended maintenance is the way for you to continue to rebuild your life?

I have been struggling with an IV heroin/coke addiction for five years, and I got on Suboxone a few weeks ago. I really was against the idea of any sort of opiate maintenance, but the Subs have done WONDERS for me. My depression and anxiety are FINALLY relieved. I too, medicated long standing anxiety and depression with opiates, and so do lots of other people. Some say that Suboxone is effective for treatment resistant depression, and I agree with them. I feel like myself again, and I can finally say that I don't have cravings and have moved on from the needle fixation. Sure, some days are hard, but the Subs have enabled me to start the rebuilding process of my life.

Just a thought, I know it's not for everybody, but if you can get your hands on them, maybe it's worth a shot?

Whatever you decide to do, my heart is with you. This can be so very hard, and I know you are beating yourself up right now...please don't get too down on yourself. You can do this!
 
Oy vey iz mir! The vicious cycle of purposeless sobriety in practice. I've seen it far too often: a creature toiling in the self-maintained mire of misery and despair which is resulting from the absolute and inane futility of trying desperately to live as one should as opposed to living as one wants.

In life, one gets what one wants and whether they like it when they get it is irrelevant. But what one wants to have and what one wants to pretend to others to have are invariably incompatible. One has the impulse not to be directed by impulsion. Specifically, one tries—alway to no avail—to forgo their own desires so as to conform to social expectations or their own egocentric ideals of what constitutes a valuable or responsible human being.

This fact of existence—this patent truism—is at the foundation of all suffering of any kind, be it substance abuse or whatever.

In practice, you use drugs because you enjoy using drugs. In theory, you hate using drugs because you have been made to think you're supposed to.

Sobriety is difficult because insobriety is so much more fun. But sobriety is virtuous in society, thus one tries, typically without success and always without satisfaction, to lead a virtuous life without regarding real fun of any kind.

There are but only two ways, insofar as I have reasoned, to both attain social conformity and self-contentment: One is to become deluded by socially acceptable forms of fake recreation (effectively disregarding the whims of the self in deference to those of society) or to become debauched and depraved by the partaking in actual recreation (effectively disregarding the whims of society in deference to those of the self).

Ask yourself: do you derive as much enjoyment from sobriety as you do from insobriety? If not, then why bother being sober?
 
You definitely sound like a potential candidate for maintainance. It's not just about killing wd symptoms, it's about having something there that allows you to create a stable base upon which to build the framework that will allow you to move your life away from drug use. It's definitely useful if used in the right way, I would avoid methadone as far as possible though much easier to use on top and much harder to get off.
 
Yea I'm thinking suboxone is the way to go. The only thing that sucks is I can't get it through a doctor I have to find them on my own but I don't think that will be too difficult. As far as num de plum goes...I don't hate drugs because society tells me to...I hate them because they steal all my money, are killing me, and suck every ounce of joy out of my life unless I'm high
 
Why can't you get them through a doc?

Also, you're not back to where you started, you're one cycle of using closer to accepting (by which I mean accepting with a change in behaviour) that you can't continue in the same pattern of behaviour.
 
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