Ayahuasca - Inexperienced - Pinball Self

[TheAppleCore]

I consider this to be my first true ayahuasca trip. In the past I have experimented with combining ayahuasca and mimosa hostilis, but it was far different than the more traditional chacruna admixture, which was used in the following brew. Also, I don't feel that my mimosa experiments were conducted in an appropriate set or setting.

Here, I go into the trip with the specific intention of healing my anxiety disorder, easily my biggest cross to bear in life.

So far so good.

I took 75 grams cielo caapi with 5 grams Hawaiian chacruna (an anomalous and highly potent strain), and multiple interesting angles on my anxiety came up.

At first, as it was coming on, I started thinking very deeply about my anxiety. Realized that my anxiety represented an "attempt" of my subconscious mind to guide me away from danger, and to push me in a positive direction. However, it ultimately fails, and I wind up being inhibited rather than empowered.

Then, as the visions became more vibrant and detailed, I entered a period of beautiful and blissful feelings. I felt as though I were a big, colorful, field of wildflowers, sprouting up from the earth under the springtime sunshine.

As time went on, I found myself becoming immersed in an alternate dimension, if you will, which started to frighten me. At this point, the trip shifted from thinking about my anxiety, to directly experiencing the anxiety. Soon I had a very interesting series of insights. I realized that there were distinct boundaries to the phenomenon that I called "me", or "I". Although we casually refer to our entire bodies as "me", as in, "don't spill any water on me," there is another more basic "me" that exists only psychologically. If I got my leg amputated, I would not perceive that "I" had changed, in the latter sense. I then realized that I perceived my anxiety as a disturbance within myself, or a distortion of the thing I called "me". So, I tried picturing my anxiety as an external disturbance, existing outside of the bounds of myself. I pictured myself as a pinball, being thrown around a pinball machine course, and the anxiety was like the various boundaries and targets in the machine bouncing off of me. This represented a very effective shift in perspective, which made me feel much more calm.

I then realized that, because I hated the anxiety, I gave it power. The reason it affects me negatively is because I am constantly trying to rid myself of its presence. So, for once I actually became grateful for its presence, and saw it as a beautiful aspect of my mind, rather than a blight. As soon as I accepted the anxiety, I stopped focusing on chasing it out of myself, and it was as if a great fog lifted from my soul, and sunshine illuminated all things beautiful once again.

At this point, the effect began to quickly fade, and then I went to sleep.

 

[TangerinO]

Wow man sounds like you had an amazing experience.

Good luck with your psychedelic adventures, and all your spiritual endeavours.

I love them all, but DMT in all its forms always seems to persistently push you in the right direction so to speak, even if it's a harsh lesson. At least from what I've observed of its effects on myself and those around me.

I'm almost finished integrating my last DMT trip which rocked my world pretty hard and this gets me excited to dive back in. The time is drawing nearer.

 

[TheAppleCore]

Thanks!

I totally agree about DMT pushing you in the right direction. Even 4-AcO-DMT always seems to give me genuinely useful insights, although the trip is often very dark and harsh for me.

I think ayahuasca is my new favorite way to take this magical molecule. It's also the cleanest feeling trip in the world, IMO -- afterward, you simply feel as though you've been showered and cleansed with divine light.

Good luck with your upcoming journeys as well.

 

[Thorns Have Roses]

Good read, and even better to hear some good may have come of it TAC. G-d willing, integration of the material will be swift and complete.

Reminds me how much I need a good tryptamine experience, but all things will come in the proper season.

 

[JBrandon]

That's actually a mental coping strategy which is used for recurring / intrusive thoughts in a PTSD context. The emotional reaction to the intrusive thought reinforces the recurrence. Rather than trying to fight the invasive thoughts, a person allows them to occur but forcefully separates their emotional reaction from them. It takes time and effort but it works.

Pretty cool that you came to a similar conclusion regarding your anxiety.