SouND SoLDieR 44
Bluelighter
I awoke to find myself in a padded room, restrained by the classic device, a straight jacket. The padding on the walls proved pointless as I was also restrained to my bed. I had no clue where I was or why I was there, and no one in this horrible sanction wanted to tell me. I was being fed intraveneously, something I was having a hard time getting used to. I closed my eyes, fell asleep. It felt almost foreign to me as my eyes slid shut. Awaking possibly hours later, I found myself in a new room, one less inhibiting, one with more freedom. I was surrounded by doctors with more questions than answers, asking if I had any memory of who I was, where I was, questions I didn't want to hear or answer, much less. After several minutes of insistance I finally got an answer I could deal with. I was in a hospital, the doctors told me. This was already apparent to me, but I wasn't going to stop the fresh information I was receiving. I am a special case one doctor said, I am quite possibly the greatest discovery of all. They had deemed me The Voice Box, later explaining that It was a reference to the type of case I was. It startled me to listen to what the doctors said and realize I had no recollection. How could this have all happened in such little time? The first of November was here, and I had spent the last few weeks In an unexplainable mind trance. I was told time and time again that my senseless ramblings of Who and What went on for days and days. Most nights I didn't sleep, and on even more nights, I didn't stop talking to myself. I wanted answers, and I wasn't afraid to demand them. The answers, the doctors explained, may lie in the journal entries they had found in my house after "collecting" me. The journal entries that I cant quite remember writing, the journal entries that mystify even myself. So here, now, I give to the world my journal entries, re-drafted by hospital staff, hoping that someone might inform me of exactly what I have become. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Jonathan Rivera
---------------------------------------------
From: Dr. Christian Tate
Fwd to: Middlesex Community College
Care of: Professor M. Beresford
Subject: Interesting case, thought you might have a look. Any idea on the significance of the journal entries? Possible schizophrenia?
Shedd Unit
Lowell General Hospital
Evidence # 23-556-5a
Description: approx. 2 1/3 pages of various journal entries
Notes: Found in house after patient apprehension.
Patient: Jonathan D. Rivera
Patient #: 0023-4690- PW
D.O.B: 10-26-82
Doctors note #1: [10/27/01] Patient disruption seems to be severe, though his "revelations" appear almost Zen like. No signs of violence past. No warning signs of a possible violent future. Patient appears to be highly caught up in discussion with his "teachers", most conversation consisting of references to they". Upon reviewing recently found journal entries it is apparent to me that this case is highly unusual and should be treated as such.
Dr. James Norton
Doctors note #2: [10/27/01] As previously stated by Dr. Norton, this case is void of violence or any reference to such actions. The patient, at some times frustrated with his voices, has shown no wanting or need to harm. Constant reference to The Self has made me wonder if this boy isn't suffering from some sort of delusion, perhaps believing he is a Chan Dynasty sage or someone to that effect. Please keep me noted of progress, this could prove to be a medical breakthrough in Psychosis Education.
Dr. Edmund Porter
---------------------------------------------
10/20/01- School was interesting today, and it's managed to do a good job of keeping me in check. My teachers seem to understand me more as a person than in high school, where they dreadfully stereotyped me until I was no longer anything but a sin in their eyes. My car continues to slowly fall apart, laughing in my face as it destroys itself in some sort of vehicular suicide of mixed sorts. My life is going well, I still don't have a job but I'm looking. There has to be someone that wants to hire me to sit on my ass. As soon as I'm a millionaire, I'll free myself from working long boring hours and graduate to something more elite. Bermuda? Jamaica? So many possibilities, so little time. Other than that and the random splitting headache I've recently acquired, life seems well enough. All I need now is a hobby.
10/21/01- School as usual today. What a gift to too freely walk around school. There is more than enough fine looking girls to keep me occupied during breaks. If I had better homework habits, I bet I could ace this college stuff. Looks like I wont be valedictorian any time soon. My headaches have gotten worse over the period of a day, my vision gets blurred. Sometimes I can swear I hear people talking to me. Oh well, nothing a few Advil wont cure. Speaking of pain relief, I need a girlfriend. It's been to long since I've had one. That would probably result in more pain, but I can deal with it. Hopefully she won't be slighted by the fact I'm flat broke. Money grabbers. Who needs them? Not me.
10/22/01- I had to leave school early today; my headaches are now becoming a hassle. I can't afford to miss too much school, my scholarships won't provide for an absent student. I spent the day checking over my shoulder, around every corner I swear I heard my name. I must be going crazy I guess. My car died today, luckily it was before I had even left my house. Still jobless, still single, things are going downhill. At least I still have my sanity, one thing many people don't. Life could be worse. I could be dead.
10/23/01- Thank God for the weekend. I got no sleep last night; instead I spent it praying for the vise grip on my head to loosen. I haven't done anything today; I've been too incapacitated to function at any normal level. The store clerk at the 7-11 was odd today, I noticed he speaks fluent Japanese. I don't know how I'd know that though, I'm pretty sure Japanese wasn't ever one of my dominant languages. My dog was odd today too. She insisted at barking at the chair for an hour before giving up only to stare at me for the next hour or two. My mind is taking quite a beating, I think I might be coming down with something serious. Hopefully I'll recover before Monday; I need to be in school. The voices I have heard are louder now, but I'm sure it's just my mind playing tricks on me.
10/24/01- God please give me peace. I've been to the doctor today, he says there is nothing wrong with me. He gave me some prescription pain reliever, he said it will "take the edge off". I hope he is right, no one should have to suffer this much mind stress. I've been lying in bed all day, hoping I drift off into any sort of sleep, but it doesn't happen.
There has to be an explanation for this. Carbon monoxide poisoning? Maybe its food poisoning. Now that I think of it, those burgers did taste funny. That must be it. Well I should be fine in a few days, how long can food poisoning possibly last?
10/25/01-No rest for the wicked I suppose. I can feel them watching. They wait for me to close my eyes, wait for my thoughts to wander. All night now, they torment me in my sleep. I can't see them but I know they are there. They have to be, they talk to me. They won't win though, I'm better. They call out to me, asking me to help. I'm just a boy, I can't help. I cant. They tell me I can though, I'm going to be 19, and I can do anything. I just ignore them sometimes. They go away. I think I'm sick. Yes, definitely sick. My head hurts constantly, even the pills wont make it stop. Bastard doctor, he lied to me. My car. No, never mind it doesn't work. No car. I'm not as important as they say; I cant quite possibly be who they are looking for. They still talk though. I can't get them to shut up. SHUT UP! I need to sleep. Yes, I need to.
10/26/01- They celebrate. I'm 19. My god what have they done to me? Nothing they say, I've done it all myself. If this is my fault, at least I've found Him. Who is He? He is It or What. They teach me we're all the same, differences set aside. How wonderful what they've taught me. Why didn't I see this all before? I am Him, and I am He, just as you are It, or What, as well. It's all the same, I learn, all the same. Diversity withheld, I would be you. I see. They are angry though, they are mad at me. Though I am Him, He, It, or What, I must see that I am also Who, they say. Who? How can I be Him, He, It, What, and Who? It's not possible. Possibility is the sex of weathermen, they say, everything is impossible before it is possible, and impossible thereafter. In the ways that you are the same, they tell me, you are completely different. How can this be? How can simple voices be explaining The Self to me? Explaining. How ironic. My mind is teaching itself, or maybes it's just a case of cerebral cannibalism. Yes, my brain is eating what it knows as food for a new era of thought. "Do you understand", they say, Jesus I've gone mad. Does it make sense?
10/27/01- Insanity Breeds Genius. What a gift to be insane. I have found myself here, now, as you are there, then. Its amazing, the things you are made to realize. Amazing.
---------------------------------------------
For weeks after divulging my journal entries to the people, I got no response. I was shunned by most local businesses, afraid that in my little town, I was nothing more than a complete psychotic, hell bent on killing them and stealing their daughters. I was deeply offended by such notions, but I understood that from what I had released to these people, the reactions I received were to be expected, after all, I was crazy, wasn't I?
I waited for months to find hear the truth of what was I, and the truth couldn't have been further from what I had expected. I was visited by a man named Sandy Gapper. He was a man that claimed the same thing that I went through had happened to him. We talked for hours, exchanging stories of what we knew to be truth and what we could only hope was truth. He told me, It wasn't real, what I had done. He explained to me that reality was what we make it, that I couldn't have possibly been in the hospital, I must have been in France instead. He mumbled on and on, and I noticed his form started to slump. He was changing, shifting, before my eyes, something I couldn't accept after the turmoil I had already suffered. I started running only to find myself in a desert, high up on a plateau. Sandy had beaten me there, and was already talking before I had the chance to listen. He spoke faster and faster, words almost steaming off of his tongue. I tried to erase his voice from my head, cringing in pain as his words created a pounding pulse in my mind. I felt myself slammed backwards, not by any physical force, but by the vocal intrusion of my mind. The voices- they had returned. I was flooded with memory then, of the voices, of what they had said, but nothing they had said was as evil as what Sandy was telling me. You are nothing, he screamed with the voices. Nothing. These voices, I realized, they aren't the same. The thought echoed in my head. I cried for escape, feeling my way across the verbal slaughter I had somehow invoked. Escape, I thought, over the edge. There was the end now, the edge of the plateau. With passionate realization, it occurred to me that I can fly and I was more than willing to do so. My wings unfolded, and I jumped out as far as I could, arms out stretched in a triumphant reach for my freedom. I felt the new voices wither in my mind as I got further from Sandy, the very evil that possessed so many minds. I flew with all my might, till I could fly no more, and then I fell. From high above the Earth I plummeted, and with my fall came the last thoughts I would have. I am the Him, He, It, What and Who. I watched myself fall from someone else's eyes, saw as my fragile body came within feet of the solid ground. Too bad, my mind said, too bad. My body shook spastically and found myself lying in a bed again, my bed. My mind raced in efforts to be logical, to explain how this all could be. The voices, the doctors, what had become of them all? I looked at the clock.
7:30am.
Time to get ready for school again.
------------------
Insanity Breeds Genius..
What A Gift To Be Insane.
-JoN-
Sincerely,
Jonathan Rivera
---------------------------------------------
From: Dr. Christian Tate
Fwd to: Middlesex Community College
Care of: Professor M. Beresford
Subject: Interesting case, thought you might have a look. Any idea on the significance of the journal entries? Possible schizophrenia?
Shedd Unit
Lowell General Hospital
Evidence # 23-556-5a
Description: approx. 2 1/3 pages of various journal entries
Notes: Found in house after patient apprehension.
Patient: Jonathan D. Rivera
Patient #: 0023-4690- PW
D.O.B: 10-26-82
Doctors note #1: [10/27/01] Patient disruption seems to be severe, though his "revelations" appear almost Zen like. No signs of violence past. No warning signs of a possible violent future. Patient appears to be highly caught up in discussion with his "teachers", most conversation consisting of references to they". Upon reviewing recently found journal entries it is apparent to me that this case is highly unusual and should be treated as such.
Dr. James Norton
Doctors note #2: [10/27/01] As previously stated by Dr. Norton, this case is void of violence or any reference to such actions. The patient, at some times frustrated with his voices, has shown no wanting or need to harm. Constant reference to The Self has made me wonder if this boy isn't suffering from some sort of delusion, perhaps believing he is a Chan Dynasty sage or someone to that effect. Please keep me noted of progress, this could prove to be a medical breakthrough in Psychosis Education.
Dr. Edmund Porter
---------------------------------------------
10/20/01- School was interesting today, and it's managed to do a good job of keeping me in check. My teachers seem to understand me more as a person than in high school, where they dreadfully stereotyped me until I was no longer anything but a sin in their eyes. My car continues to slowly fall apart, laughing in my face as it destroys itself in some sort of vehicular suicide of mixed sorts. My life is going well, I still don't have a job but I'm looking. There has to be someone that wants to hire me to sit on my ass. As soon as I'm a millionaire, I'll free myself from working long boring hours and graduate to something more elite. Bermuda? Jamaica? So many possibilities, so little time. Other than that and the random splitting headache I've recently acquired, life seems well enough. All I need now is a hobby.
10/21/01- School as usual today. What a gift to too freely walk around school. There is more than enough fine looking girls to keep me occupied during breaks. If I had better homework habits, I bet I could ace this college stuff. Looks like I wont be valedictorian any time soon. My headaches have gotten worse over the period of a day, my vision gets blurred. Sometimes I can swear I hear people talking to me. Oh well, nothing a few Advil wont cure. Speaking of pain relief, I need a girlfriend. It's been to long since I've had one. That would probably result in more pain, but I can deal with it. Hopefully she won't be slighted by the fact I'm flat broke. Money grabbers. Who needs them? Not me.
10/22/01- I had to leave school early today; my headaches are now becoming a hassle. I can't afford to miss too much school, my scholarships won't provide for an absent student. I spent the day checking over my shoulder, around every corner I swear I heard my name. I must be going crazy I guess. My car died today, luckily it was before I had even left my house. Still jobless, still single, things are going downhill. At least I still have my sanity, one thing many people don't. Life could be worse. I could be dead.
10/23/01- Thank God for the weekend. I got no sleep last night; instead I spent it praying for the vise grip on my head to loosen. I haven't done anything today; I've been too incapacitated to function at any normal level. The store clerk at the 7-11 was odd today, I noticed he speaks fluent Japanese. I don't know how I'd know that though, I'm pretty sure Japanese wasn't ever one of my dominant languages. My dog was odd today too. She insisted at barking at the chair for an hour before giving up only to stare at me for the next hour or two. My mind is taking quite a beating, I think I might be coming down with something serious. Hopefully I'll recover before Monday; I need to be in school. The voices I have heard are louder now, but I'm sure it's just my mind playing tricks on me.
10/24/01- God please give me peace. I've been to the doctor today, he says there is nothing wrong with me. He gave me some prescription pain reliever, he said it will "take the edge off". I hope he is right, no one should have to suffer this much mind stress. I've been lying in bed all day, hoping I drift off into any sort of sleep, but it doesn't happen.
There has to be an explanation for this. Carbon monoxide poisoning? Maybe its food poisoning. Now that I think of it, those burgers did taste funny. That must be it. Well I should be fine in a few days, how long can food poisoning possibly last?
10/25/01-No rest for the wicked I suppose. I can feel them watching. They wait for me to close my eyes, wait for my thoughts to wander. All night now, they torment me in my sleep. I can't see them but I know they are there. They have to be, they talk to me. They won't win though, I'm better. They call out to me, asking me to help. I'm just a boy, I can't help. I cant. They tell me I can though, I'm going to be 19, and I can do anything. I just ignore them sometimes. They go away. I think I'm sick. Yes, definitely sick. My head hurts constantly, even the pills wont make it stop. Bastard doctor, he lied to me. My car. No, never mind it doesn't work. No car. I'm not as important as they say; I cant quite possibly be who they are looking for. They still talk though. I can't get them to shut up. SHUT UP! I need to sleep. Yes, I need to.
10/26/01- They celebrate. I'm 19. My god what have they done to me? Nothing they say, I've done it all myself. If this is my fault, at least I've found Him. Who is He? He is It or What. They teach me we're all the same, differences set aside. How wonderful what they've taught me. Why didn't I see this all before? I am Him, and I am He, just as you are It, or What, as well. It's all the same, I learn, all the same. Diversity withheld, I would be you. I see. They are angry though, they are mad at me. Though I am Him, He, It, or What, I must see that I am also Who, they say. Who? How can I be Him, He, It, What, and Who? It's not possible. Possibility is the sex of weathermen, they say, everything is impossible before it is possible, and impossible thereafter. In the ways that you are the same, they tell me, you are completely different. How can this be? How can simple voices be explaining The Self to me? Explaining. How ironic. My mind is teaching itself, or maybes it's just a case of cerebral cannibalism. Yes, my brain is eating what it knows as food for a new era of thought. "Do you understand", they say, Jesus I've gone mad. Does it make sense?
10/27/01- Insanity Breeds Genius. What a gift to be insane. I have found myself here, now, as you are there, then. Its amazing, the things you are made to realize. Amazing.
---------------------------------------------
For weeks after divulging my journal entries to the people, I got no response. I was shunned by most local businesses, afraid that in my little town, I was nothing more than a complete psychotic, hell bent on killing them and stealing their daughters. I was deeply offended by such notions, but I understood that from what I had released to these people, the reactions I received were to be expected, after all, I was crazy, wasn't I?
I waited for months to find hear the truth of what was I, and the truth couldn't have been further from what I had expected. I was visited by a man named Sandy Gapper. He was a man that claimed the same thing that I went through had happened to him. We talked for hours, exchanging stories of what we knew to be truth and what we could only hope was truth. He told me, It wasn't real, what I had done. He explained to me that reality was what we make it, that I couldn't have possibly been in the hospital, I must have been in France instead. He mumbled on and on, and I noticed his form started to slump. He was changing, shifting, before my eyes, something I couldn't accept after the turmoil I had already suffered. I started running only to find myself in a desert, high up on a plateau. Sandy had beaten me there, and was already talking before I had the chance to listen. He spoke faster and faster, words almost steaming off of his tongue. I tried to erase his voice from my head, cringing in pain as his words created a pounding pulse in my mind. I felt myself slammed backwards, not by any physical force, but by the vocal intrusion of my mind. The voices- they had returned. I was flooded with memory then, of the voices, of what they had said, but nothing they had said was as evil as what Sandy was telling me. You are nothing, he screamed with the voices. Nothing. These voices, I realized, they aren't the same. The thought echoed in my head. I cried for escape, feeling my way across the verbal slaughter I had somehow invoked. Escape, I thought, over the edge. There was the end now, the edge of the plateau. With passionate realization, it occurred to me that I can fly and I was more than willing to do so. My wings unfolded, and I jumped out as far as I could, arms out stretched in a triumphant reach for my freedom. I felt the new voices wither in my mind as I got further from Sandy, the very evil that possessed so many minds. I flew with all my might, till I could fly no more, and then I fell. From high above the Earth I plummeted, and with my fall came the last thoughts I would have. I am the Him, He, It, What and Who. I watched myself fall from someone else's eyes, saw as my fragile body came within feet of the solid ground. Too bad, my mind said, too bad. My body shook spastically and found myself lying in a bed again, my bed. My mind raced in efforts to be logical, to explain how this all could be. The voices, the doctors, what had become of them all? I looked at the clock.
7:30am.
Time to get ready for school again.
------------------
Insanity Breeds Genius..
What A Gift To Be Insane.
-JoN-
