Autism and NT Maze

[Hannah Capps]

Things that run through my mind on a regular fairly constant basis are to those that are NT (normally thinking) a tad insane...The way my brain possess information stands in stark contrast to those around me...I find myself becoming paranoid (have been caused of being this way and I'm not denying it) The rationale behind it quiet simply is being misunderstood time and again and trying to figure out this NT world and navigate my way through it...when it seems that I do have it under wraps, as a house of cards comes crashing down...Things such as right and wrong, moral and non moral...Order, and the opposite of that make sense to those who think as I do...Those who's minds can wrap around what is black in white...The shades of gray confuse us, people being dishonest and two faced and or back stabbing and all of those quailtiles ugly cousins make us wonder 'why'...But, unlike those that are NT we deliberate over the why until we're mentally drained and beyond...The autistic mind deliberates and reasons until maddens occurs...This has happened to me numerous times...The worm hole or void vacuum that sucks me into its negative thought patterns all consuming as a fire that blazes through everything in its path...I cannot change the way that I process information, but I can work to improve my outlook with those NT's that are willing to take the time to explain the NT world to me...Unfortunately, not many NT's are willing to do this...Assumptions are the name of the NT game, and if you don't fit into the mold they've so set to expect everyone to be in...You are the odd one out, and that's putting it in a positive light...It leads to damaged friendships and misunderstanding begetting more of the same thing...How does one exit this rat wheel? Well in some ways the autistic never fully does exit it...But, as I stated those kind enough NT's willing to help the autistic through the maze aid in making the autistic life more manageable...From personal experience, my woes began in high school around my 10th grade year...Desperate to 'fit-in' to the NT mold and be accepted became a poisonous obsession...The idea came to me, 'I'm fat' and like lightening I decided to 'fix' this...I lost weight, and took up abusing diet pills of the upper kind back when ephedrine was still at the store...Speeding my way through the rest of high school while still maintain a high B average was nothing short of astonishing...While it appeared to others things were OK...Inside I was dieing, screaming for someone who understood...When I was finally invited to the 'in table' at lunch I had no idea how to engage in small talk and or gossip...I was made fun of to an even grater extent and they shunned me more then they did to begin with, only now I had anorexia to deal with...By the end of high school I was 5'8” and 130 pounds way to low for my build and height...I entered Liberty University and threw myself into my studies to the point of insanity...By thanksgiving of my freshman year at LU, stress mounted and I began to SI (Cut my four arms) the frequency was often (once a day) and deep at that...I still was somehow able to maintain a 3.0 GPA through my freshman year...Music was my escape, it still is...I broadened my tastes in music...The band that opened the flood gates for me was Nirvana...Cilshe I know but its truth...For a while Nirvana was all I would listen to, then came soundgarden, slice in chains, screaming trees, tad, mudhoney etc...Tori Amos was another major artist I listened to, Little Earthquakes still holds a place in my heart...PJ Harvey Rid of Me spoke to me...The raw rage of her music and pain bleeding through the headphones spoke to me...I could relate to this ache...Pain is a language I understand fluently...Other artists sense followed, Silver Chair, Manic Street Preachers etc...but they all speak of smite and that is something I relate to...By the second year at LU I was reclusive only got out to go to class and eat (though rare at that) I don't recall much from LU other then flashes of memories half broken and locked away in my mind...Blood on bathroom walls of the school, with bible verses carved into my skin and bloody messages reading 'They won' 'By her stripes she is healed' 'I know why Jesus wept' etc...By the second term of my second year I was forced to withdraw from LU until I sought help...I departed with a 3.0 GPA, but it wasn't my grades that did me in...It was my untreated depression among the other things...

 

[kbrad]

Hannah Capps, usually im not one to chime in that often but here i feel i can really relate. From the high school experiences, down to the exact choice of music! Personally it seems to me your looking in all the wrong places. Rather than making yourself the black sheep try finding people you can relate to, with similar tastes and mindsets. You are not alone, there possibilities are endless. Every single place on this earth has 'normal thinking' people and the misunderstood and you need to engage yourself with people you can relate to.

 

[das_feuer]

Well, I hope that you have been seeking therapy in order to heal from the wounds of your past and have been working to make the best of your present-day situation instead of crying over things that you can't go back and change. Getting pissed off or crying about your past isn't going to help you at all. I did that for a few years, myself, but the only way I improved was to accept myself, play to my strengths, and get help in the form of therapy and, because I need them to stay healthy, medications.

I think you need to stop forcibly separating yourself from others in such black and white terms like "normal thinking". Everyone is unique and not everyone thinks the same. Everyone has his own handicaps. You may wish to be the person next door, but if you were to become the person next door all that you would have accomplished would be swapping your own demons and self-doubt with your neighbor's. The more you insist upon separating yourself from others the worse your problems will become. You are a person just like everyone else is a person. It isn't as though you are severely autistic and cannot communicate with anyone else around you. People who have it worse than you get by just fine. Not every other autistic person is going to be able to relate to what you have said, so you really need to stop categorizing everyone as either "like me" or "not like me". Black and white thinking places limitations on a person and I have never seen it lead to anything but trouble.

Work on the underlying problems that are causing you suffering in your life and the rest will come together. My past sucks balls, too, as I have been through the self-mutilation, in and out of mental hospitals, and so on, but I figured my shit out and things have been going well. I just wish that I had been able to do that earlier in life so I wouldn't be just transferring to another college to earn my BA in my late twenties, but hell, at least I'm following through and figuring out how to move ahead than living in the past.

Learn from your past, but don't live in it. Don't cry about the pain you've been through, but learn how to derive strength from it.

Also, if you could go back to edit your post and divide the text into paragraphs your post would be much easier to read.