sevenyearautopsy
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2015
- Messages
- 15
I was out on a three week trip around Europe, visting various friends and eventually found myself alone in Rotterdam. A friend who was supposed to meet me couldn't so I was there solo. I had hoped he'd be up for doing the magic truffles together, but with this situation I decided to do it alone. I had planned to do it on the second day so on the first day I went to buy the truffles. I had nothing planned so I also passed by a coffee shop and bought a space cookie and some silver haze. On the way back to the apartment I was so excited about the truffles so I decided to change the plans and do them that evening instead.
The weather was lousy and since it was the start of october it was also getting cold and dark early. At around 16.30 I prepared a table with two sheets of paper and some pens as I usually like drawing and painting while high. I opened the truffle package, started gnawing away on them one a the time intending to consume the whole 15 g as the guy in the shop had suggested. The taste was strange: nutty, sour and weird but not at all bad like I had read. Afterwards I sat down to start drawing and listening to my playlist (slightly modified since I tried 1P-LSD maybe 6-7 weeks prior).
About half an hour later I start feeling it, not knowing what to expect I thought it was really weak. I felt a bit like I was slightly drunk of alcohol and had had a few puffs of regular cannabis. In hindsight I can see how my inhabitations were really low and I guess that's why decided to also take a few bites of the space cookie. A bit later I had eaten half of it, and just shortly after thought "Well, what the hell.. I might as well!" and ate the rest. Shortly after it really took off.
— Note written during the trip:
I just started writing and things are neon and I am watching this from behind the driving wheel still but I am really trippy now. Wow that came sudden. Not really but are these the mushrooms because they are really… what the fuck my brain just connected and I feel like I keeeep slipping. Keep having ego less expansion. Now I feel the drugs and it’s like I got some thing writing the script and I had a feeling that what I wrote matters. I need more drugs. Everything is a meta discussion. Everything is now and really I feel the drugs and I am beside myself making up story lines of things and it’s a layer of the story that is the trip and peeled another layer. And now I went under the surface and where [unreadable] this patterns came from. I feel so much in the music. What am I living and seeing I forgot that I am making art and the one telling the story keeps forgetting that he is the one [unreadable….]
----
Diary notes written the day after, unedited:
I have been somewhere else. Sometimes I got stuck in loops. I came back from where I had been and remembered the story. Oh right, I'm in the sofa. Oh right, I'm doing this, whatever it is. Oh yes, I am somewhere. I am in Rotterdam. In this apartment. This has been the most flipped out experience of my life so far. I got disconnected from everything. My mind worked differently. My body from outside must have looked the same, but from inside my head the experience was so different. Sound, sight and touch melted together. Later I could not recognize the music I was hearing, but it drove everything forward and controlled my experience.
I was besides myself. I could see my hands move and write and draw in a maniacal way. But I had two minds. One of them was apparently writing and drawing, since that was what my hands did and they usually belong to me but now they were glowing in a warm moss green light. They kept writing but a separate mind was watching in awe as the letters where floating out of the pen. Apparently I wrote and ”scratched” several pages that I can’t even remember now. Sometimes I was inside the lines. Zoomed in in such a way that nothing else existed besides the line. I lived a whole life in these lines. I woke up sometimes with my head above the surface without knowing there were more to break through. Everything was so here and now, maybe like as for a baby, only what was directly in front of me was real and important.
I lost myself in my own fantasies and deep inside the trip I forgot that I was tripping. Sometimes I got torn out one level and could remember how it started. I bought Cubensis Atlantis, Bubblegum and Silver Haze and a space cake. I have a deja vu now. It feels like being at several points back in time all pointing to where I sit now. Wow. I ate the truffle and it tasted like dirt, sour, tight and a bit bitter. Next time I’ll hold ceremony. I got to get my head sorted out. Atlantis and a 5 euro space cake (I take a bit, I take half, oh well no point in saving this!)
Wow what a trip. I started drawing quite seriously, very seriously perhaps. Pretty quickly I went deeper and deeper inside the trip until I did not know what I was. What was important changed all the time. I reminded myself sometimes about where I came from and where I was going. But all the time the carpet was pulled out from under my feet. I was in the middle of the trip again. I disappeared for a long time. I made my way out of the labyrinth sometimes and I remembered: Oh right, here I am and I took drugs and everything is very alien here. I looked down ad my feet and the green carpet and my camera on the floor and I remembered that I sat where I sat.
I laid down on my back on the sofa and looked at the pattern at the underside of the bed and saw it fold in and fold out in neon and gold and pulsing colors and shapes. Like spider webs, fish nets, mandelbrot, angular shapes in glowing red. I got up more times than I could remember. I walked into the bathroom, walked to the kitchen, ate some yogurt, ate dried bananas and felt if my laundry had dried. Loops and loops and spirals, I was so stuck.
Time passed. I could not remember where I came from or where I was heading. My story had left me or I had left it. I was in my mind body completely separated from prior experiences. Sometimes I thought I would never get out from this. I looked at the statue of a mask in my hosts apartment and at the sign vaguely in the shape of a shark on the wall above it. I saw these time and time again and it seemed like hours and eons had passed in between. Then I remember who I was again and the chronology which was probably true and could have been told if there were some evidence left behind. Or if someone was by my side and could observe my behavior. But all previous circumstances and events had let forward to NOW and what was before could not longer be real since it can not be yesterday or tomorrow, only this instant. I should appreciate more the moment and be more here and now. Not let the future and past weight me down with regrets and longings, or stress, but let life be lived moment by moment.
During the trip I somehow tried to get a feeling for the question: if I am the subject or if I’m a narrators voice who clothes experiences in words and sights that are pleasant. If I am fooling myself by telling myself about my self, creating a false reality and false realizations. Putting on make up. Sometimes I can feel unable to act. During the trip it was as if the dialogues I have with myself constantly were questioned. The experience of being was put into contrast with cognitively talking about being and showing it in a mirror. I think I’m high still. I am not myself at least, that’s certain. I feels like a mild psychosis but I think it’s after effects and memories catching up. Probably I can’t act normal now.
Sometimes I watched my body in the full body mirror and it was like when you build your characters in The Sims 3 , but it was me standing there and nothing changed but the light made me look unreal. Side note: my farts smells like marijuana. My mind is attached to this body, in the mirror. It’s the vehicle, titan, avatar, dreadnaught who transports my weird moment by moment-mind through ”life” and time. That maybe don’t exist. Only now. My normal rational controlled and controlling self perception and world view got a sharp blow from this trip, like an the kick from an interdimensional horse. I could not for what my whole life was worth use my regular brain gymnastics to figure out what was going on. I was so deep inside myself and inside the experience.
I got disconnected from the old and plugged into something new with power and speed. Everything was sort of like a lucid dream, but the traces left behind where real. It’s very apparent that my body was here, doing things. I was a special real experience, real in it’s unreal way. I’ve seen and experienced this now, it’s not possible to explain in such a way that it did not happen, I can not rationalize it to be part of what I normally experience as real. I lived through a different view, function, world, way to be and to relate. I lost myself deep down the rabbit hole and it’s one of my travels that light up like a star now. There is no turning back now, I’ve seen it and lived in a totally different phase, another frequency. I’m going to let this be a slow day and let it sink in. It was visionary.
I’m almost afraid now when I think of how shocking this experience was. I took the blue pill I guess. From a material point everything was as usually I guess, but my behavior must have been bizarre. But the way that my human brain is wired to take impressions from the world, and how the world and my own mind seems to myself in a normal situation was totally remixed and confusing. That function, experiencing the world and myself was rewired so far from recognition. Normal laws of time and space, of sensations and feelings, seemed to me alien and impossible to understand during the trip. I tried to get a grip and perceive how things were working, but simultaneously I forgot what I was doing and why. I dived down to a level below the surface where other forces and priorities where making the rules. Will the world ever look the same to me? I opened a thousand doors. I can chose to become anew. Not to lock my personality. Be more free from boundaries and conquer my old fears. Why should I be stuck in this narrative? The things that have been have been. Memories remain but only in me. I can let them pass. I can chose more freely than I imagined, from moment to moment, what I want and who I want to be. Sure I might have a personality but it’s much more fluid than I thought. I need to let changes happen on their own and not fight them, and not tie myself to points along the way and not put importance on my understanding of the points. Nothing lasts but nothing is lost. Real trippy shit…
----
The day after I felt sort of a MDMA-type of high up until almost 24 hours after I first ate the truffles. I went to the museum of ethnography and had an amazing time looking at art and objects there.
The weather was lousy and since it was the start of october it was also getting cold and dark early. At around 16.30 I prepared a table with two sheets of paper and some pens as I usually like drawing and painting while high. I opened the truffle package, started gnawing away on them one a the time intending to consume the whole 15 g as the guy in the shop had suggested. The taste was strange: nutty, sour and weird but not at all bad like I had read. Afterwards I sat down to start drawing and listening to my playlist (slightly modified since I tried 1P-LSD maybe 6-7 weeks prior).
About half an hour later I start feeling it, not knowing what to expect I thought it was really weak. I felt a bit like I was slightly drunk of alcohol and had had a few puffs of regular cannabis. In hindsight I can see how my inhabitations were really low and I guess that's why decided to also take a few bites of the space cookie. A bit later I had eaten half of it, and just shortly after thought "Well, what the hell.. I might as well!" and ate the rest. Shortly after it really took off.
— Note written during the trip:
I just started writing and things are neon and I am watching this from behind the driving wheel still but I am really trippy now. Wow that came sudden. Not really but are these the mushrooms because they are really… what the fuck my brain just connected and I feel like I keeeep slipping. Keep having ego less expansion. Now I feel the drugs and it’s like I got some thing writing the script and I had a feeling that what I wrote matters. I need more drugs. Everything is a meta discussion. Everything is now and really I feel the drugs and I am beside myself making up story lines of things and it’s a layer of the story that is the trip and peeled another layer. And now I went under the surface and where [unreadable] this patterns came from. I feel so much in the music. What am I living and seeing I forgot that I am making art and the one telling the story keeps forgetting that he is the one [unreadable….]
----
Diary notes written the day after, unedited:
I have been somewhere else. Sometimes I got stuck in loops. I came back from where I had been and remembered the story. Oh right, I'm in the sofa. Oh right, I'm doing this, whatever it is. Oh yes, I am somewhere. I am in Rotterdam. In this apartment. This has been the most flipped out experience of my life so far. I got disconnected from everything. My mind worked differently. My body from outside must have looked the same, but from inside my head the experience was so different. Sound, sight and touch melted together. Later I could not recognize the music I was hearing, but it drove everything forward and controlled my experience.
I was besides myself. I could see my hands move and write and draw in a maniacal way. But I had two minds. One of them was apparently writing and drawing, since that was what my hands did and they usually belong to me but now they were glowing in a warm moss green light. They kept writing but a separate mind was watching in awe as the letters where floating out of the pen. Apparently I wrote and ”scratched” several pages that I can’t even remember now. Sometimes I was inside the lines. Zoomed in in such a way that nothing else existed besides the line. I lived a whole life in these lines. I woke up sometimes with my head above the surface without knowing there were more to break through. Everything was so here and now, maybe like as for a baby, only what was directly in front of me was real and important.
I lost myself in my own fantasies and deep inside the trip I forgot that I was tripping. Sometimes I got torn out one level and could remember how it started. I bought Cubensis Atlantis, Bubblegum and Silver Haze and a space cake. I have a deja vu now. It feels like being at several points back in time all pointing to where I sit now. Wow. I ate the truffle and it tasted like dirt, sour, tight and a bit bitter. Next time I’ll hold ceremony. I got to get my head sorted out. Atlantis and a 5 euro space cake (I take a bit, I take half, oh well no point in saving this!)
Wow what a trip. I started drawing quite seriously, very seriously perhaps. Pretty quickly I went deeper and deeper inside the trip until I did not know what I was. What was important changed all the time. I reminded myself sometimes about where I came from and where I was going. But all the time the carpet was pulled out from under my feet. I was in the middle of the trip again. I disappeared for a long time. I made my way out of the labyrinth sometimes and I remembered: Oh right, here I am and I took drugs and everything is very alien here. I looked down ad my feet and the green carpet and my camera on the floor and I remembered that I sat where I sat.
I laid down on my back on the sofa and looked at the pattern at the underside of the bed and saw it fold in and fold out in neon and gold and pulsing colors and shapes. Like spider webs, fish nets, mandelbrot, angular shapes in glowing red. I got up more times than I could remember. I walked into the bathroom, walked to the kitchen, ate some yogurt, ate dried bananas and felt if my laundry had dried. Loops and loops and spirals, I was so stuck.
Time passed. I could not remember where I came from or where I was heading. My story had left me or I had left it. I was in my mind body completely separated from prior experiences. Sometimes I thought I would never get out from this. I looked at the statue of a mask in my hosts apartment and at the sign vaguely in the shape of a shark on the wall above it. I saw these time and time again and it seemed like hours and eons had passed in between. Then I remember who I was again and the chronology which was probably true and could have been told if there were some evidence left behind. Or if someone was by my side and could observe my behavior. But all previous circumstances and events had let forward to NOW and what was before could not longer be real since it can not be yesterday or tomorrow, only this instant. I should appreciate more the moment and be more here and now. Not let the future and past weight me down with regrets and longings, or stress, but let life be lived moment by moment.
During the trip I somehow tried to get a feeling for the question: if I am the subject or if I’m a narrators voice who clothes experiences in words and sights that are pleasant. If I am fooling myself by telling myself about my self, creating a false reality and false realizations. Putting on make up. Sometimes I can feel unable to act. During the trip it was as if the dialogues I have with myself constantly were questioned. The experience of being was put into contrast with cognitively talking about being and showing it in a mirror. I think I’m high still. I am not myself at least, that’s certain. I feels like a mild psychosis but I think it’s after effects and memories catching up. Probably I can’t act normal now.
Sometimes I watched my body in the full body mirror and it was like when you build your characters in The Sims 3 , but it was me standing there and nothing changed but the light made me look unreal. Side note: my farts smells like marijuana. My mind is attached to this body, in the mirror. It’s the vehicle, titan, avatar, dreadnaught who transports my weird moment by moment-mind through ”life” and time. That maybe don’t exist. Only now. My normal rational controlled and controlling self perception and world view got a sharp blow from this trip, like an the kick from an interdimensional horse. I could not for what my whole life was worth use my regular brain gymnastics to figure out what was going on. I was so deep inside myself and inside the experience.
I got disconnected from the old and plugged into something new with power and speed. Everything was sort of like a lucid dream, but the traces left behind where real. It’s very apparent that my body was here, doing things. I was a special real experience, real in it’s unreal way. I’ve seen and experienced this now, it’s not possible to explain in such a way that it did not happen, I can not rationalize it to be part of what I normally experience as real. I lived through a different view, function, world, way to be and to relate. I lost myself deep down the rabbit hole and it’s one of my travels that light up like a star now. There is no turning back now, I’ve seen it and lived in a totally different phase, another frequency. I’m going to let this be a slow day and let it sink in. It was visionary.
I’m almost afraid now when I think of how shocking this experience was. I took the blue pill I guess. From a material point everything was as usually I guess, but my behavior must have been bizarre. But the way that my human brain is wired to take impressions from the world, and how the world and my own mind seems to myself in a normal situation was totally remixed and confusing. That function, experiencing the world and myself was rewired so far from recognition. Normal laws of time and space, of sensations and feelings, seemed to me alien and impossible to understand during the trip. I tried to get a grip and perceive how things were working, but simultaneously I forgot what I was doing and why. I dived down to a level below the surface where other forces and priorities where making the rules. Will the world ever look the same to me? I opened a thousand doors. I can chose to become anew. Not to lock my personality. Be more free from boundaries and conquer my old fears. Why should I be stuck in this narrative? The things that have been have been. Memories remain but only in me. I can let them pass. I can chose more freely than I imagined, from moment to moment, what I want and who I want to be. Sure I might have a personality but it’s much more fluid than I thought. I need to let changes happen on their own and not fight them, and not tie myself to points along the way and not put importance on my understanding of the points. Nothing lasts but nothing is lost. Real trippy shit…
----
The day after I felt sort of a MDMA-type of high up until almost 24 hours after I first ate the truffles. I went to the museum of ethnography and had an amazing time looking at art and objects there.
