As abusive as he was.. My Father.

[dishearten]

i have to get this out on fathers day..
and i know some of us dont even have fathers to wish happiness too,
but today nomatter what i'm sure all fathers past or alive will listen.

i think we all have a meaning to be here, and even though he's said it many times that i was a mistake, and hurt me in many ways, to this day i love him as if he were perfect.

unconditional.

we are a broken family.
but when we weren't.. everyone smoked crack, dropped acid, drank til hospitalized-- and lets just say i had to stand back and watch.
i've seen him beat my sister, brother, and mom. i've felt his fist on my face, and heard his harsh words when he used to call me fat before my struggle with bulimia started. i heard it all.. loud and clear. as if it were my alarm clock.
he's said that he never used his paddle on me because once i was born he was too tired to do that shit to me. but why did he use his fist? the words were bad enough. now, because of that and other things-- i expect men to hit me. and i hate it. i wonder if it was primarily his fault.
i look back, and i wonder if he feels regret for scarring not only my siblings, but myself included.
i think my mom scarred me more, but the lights on him today.
i still wished him happiness.
i still want a tattoo for him, i still do alot with him. hes not the way he used to be, i do belive people will change with time. and i dont want my childhood to be the reason for me not loving my dad.
because it wasnt me that was why he did it. it was the drugs, and that him and my mother shouldnt have gotten married.
so it wasnt my fault.
it feels too heavy to talk about, i sepress too many things.

 

[Jekyll and Hyde]

I was a mistake also, but my mother's the one that lets me know I stole her youth from her. Sometimes people don't realize how much words can hurt.

 

[n3ophy7e]

dishearten, thanks so much for sharing a bit of your story with us. It takes courage to talk about this kinda stuff
Family is a very strong bond and it's understandable that you still love your father after everything that's happened. He would definitely have a lot of regret about the way he's treated his loved ones, and if you have the strength and courage to continue to make your love known to him, that is truly admirable hun

 

[ocean]

dishearten-
Isn't it funny no matter how much our parents hurt us, we always want their love and to love them?
You sound like you have a very forgiving and kind heart
I smiled to see your post today b/c I may see my father (w/ whom I have a strained relationship) today and have stressed about it for over a month- My problem or bottom line is similar to your post in ways- I've been hurt deeply by my father but love him. Unfortunately I'm not sure my father will ever truly love me......but it doesn't stop me from loving him
Thanks for your post- It was fitting for me this morning.

 

[Georgie25]

I hope you can one day believe that all the things your father did to you, it wasn't your fault. It was because of him or how he acted on the drugs. I know that might be hard to realize though...

 

[dishearten]

J&H; obviously you were never a mistake. words really do cut like a fn knife. its terrible-- its almost like i would much rather be bruised because those fade then feel the pain from the words, which will always stay with me. i imagine if it was anyone that stole my mothers youth it would be my brother and sister, they are 10 and 13 years older than me and none of us like eachother. i try, but my brother is a errogant (sp?) prick who made his millions and looks down upon us like we were dirty poor junkies, and my sister lives with my mom and grandma and plays guitar in the basement and preaches the word of God. so i really have no fit in either one. i have more in common with my parents, my mom is a pill junkie-- we go through withdrawls together, get high together, steal together, were like partners.. but when shit was bad and when i was young, all i can remember was she spoiled me with gifts and was rarely there for me and couldnt understand why i cut myself and why i wouldnt eat for weeks at a time, and why i had pentagrams all over my room. but what about the money??? doesnt mean shit when you got no spine and have convulsing seizures from too much alchohol and crack infront of me and almost kill my dad with a cutting knife.. theres a list of shit..
but eventually i embrassed what was given to me, a family with ample drugs. and gave in.
so whos to really blame? me.. society.. my family.. getting made fun of? who knows?


n3ophy7e; thank you, it is absolutely hard to talk about, its almost embarresing. but i know im amongst good people who understand. and thats whats pleasent enough.
he does regret it.. i see it in his eyes. he tries so hard to make up for it by giving me extra hugs when i come over and txting me to see if im okay and giving me half his scripts so im not the one in withdrawl and pain and when we talk about the past hes too emotionally weak now to do nothing but cry... i dont know if thats right, but when i think about it, id much rather have a disfunctional family than a normal one-- just so when i have that chance to have my own-- ill have the tools and knowledge to make it perfect as possible. thank you.


ocean; it certainly is quite funny.. what has happened though has made me expect such little from other people/men, i barely have any real friends and all my past relationships i was brutally beaten by them.. and still to this day hold no grudges, yeh it hurts like a bitch to remember but thats partially why i cant go a day without doping myself up. im so glad i could relate to you. thats really great, and im sure your father loves you. its almost impossible to make a child and not love them, even if you give them up for adoption. you should try and make amends, bc you have no idea how much longer youll get the chance to put it off.


Georgie25; i do believe that it wasnt ever my fault.. i know it was the drugs.. i know he didnt know the right things to do or say. i know that it was all just too much for him to bare. and its okay.. today he supresses everything just like everyone else in my family does. except he doesnt stick needles in his body like i do and he cries when he sees my body. so i know he feels responsible for not bringing me up properly.


all i want is for them both to be proud of me,
bottom line.
i know they were, having three years of college under my belt.. but today, they dont say theyre proud of me. they just look at me in pain..