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Are you in a bad place...can you see any light?

stellablue

stellablue

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Sep 23, 2005
Messages
5,211
Location
South Carolina
I just thought that I have been in a lot of hard places, and have seen a whole lot of ugly. It is just like you feel all alone....but your not. There are so many people like us. If we unite and stand up and just let it out or just vent or be a lurker for be supporter. Maybe we can just tell some stuff in this thread to just let it go, like a throw it away box. Maybe it does help to get it out then throw it away. Beats carrying it around, huh? :\


I feel like most of my problems started when I lost my soul mate in 1998. I mean I have been in relationships, even remarried, but they never worked out. I know it is because I constantly want the other relationship to be like my first husband and mine was in a lot of ways. How diluted is that?:\ I miss the companionship but minus the drama. I have a teenager and drama is nothing I need more of, lol. I don't think losing Joe last year help either. He was someone I really thought we could of had something. It's crazy how things turn out. :|Just keep living I guess, life is full of hurt and supprises.
 
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Definitely in the lowest place I've been in a while, hence why I'm at bluelight.. It seems like every time I do see some form of light it goes out before I can reach it. I feel like the only way I can possibly fix my problems would be to tell the people I love about them but by doing that it will only cause more hurt and more pain. They don't deserve it and I don't want to give up on solving the issues myself. It is crazy how things turn out though, this life never ceases to surprise me. I hope you can find someone special again, i know how hard it is to keep trying..
 
I'm in a bad place, the worst one yet. But the thing is that this is probably the third time in the last 2 months that I feel like I've hit rock bottom and keep telling myself ''This is rock bottom, so it can only go up from now''. But it just doesn't.
 
I've never wanted to be dead this badly, and I've spent the majority of my life wanting to be dead, at least the majority of the last 7 years.

I've never been this serious about it, looking up methods and such. I don't think it would effect anyone at this point. I don't have any friends left, and my parents hate me, so what is holding me back? I used to not do it because of mom. I thought it would devestate her, but now, I see that she would be sad at first, but she would get over it and there would be a lot less drama with me in her life.

I know I'm also going to get replies that I mean a lot to people in TDS and whatever. but honestly, none of you really know me. The few people who have gotten to really know the real me and how depressive and manipulative and ugly and stupid I am have eventually left because I was too much to handle. Same goes for my relationships in real life. When my money and my drugs dry up, there is no need for me anymore.

So yeah, I'm tired of wasting space with my fat body and ugly face and passive agressive personality. And none of that is fishing for compliments. In fact, I don't want anyone to say anything about it because i just know the are true at this point.

The world would be the same without me.
 
ichosewisely said:
I'm in a bad place, the worst one yet. But the thing is that this is probably the third time in the last 2 months that I feel like I've hit rock bottom and keep telling myself ''This is rock bottom, so it can only go up from now''. But it just doesn't.
Click to expand...

That's been happening to me for 5 years now at least. Just when things start leveling off, everything gets thrown for a new loop and I have to readapt. I really understand the concept of the long dark night of the soul, and I did volunteer for some of it so I try and get what character building experience I can out of it.
 
Ever since I was ~15, my parents had suspicions that I was bipolar. I have a bipolar brother, depressed dad, bipolar uncle now deceased, and an aunt on the other side of my family who committed suicide when she was my age, 22ish. Eventually I got to college and soon found out that whether or not I am bipolar, I definitely have anxiety problems bigtime. I used drugs recreationally in high school but after a couple big panic attacks sophomore year in college, I knew things were headed downhill.

My junior year started off with a few minor panicking spells but I had a real bad one in the winter that led me to missing a month of class and got me put on a couple different depression meds + a good dose of klonopin each day. Of course this just led to more substance abuse and I chose to take myself off of medication a few months later because I couldn't see a difference with the SSRI treatment. The clonaz was just getting me into more trouble too, so I voluntarily cut that off as well.

Unfortunately, my senior year led to more panic attacks and saw me relying on alcohol and/or weed to cope almost daily by the time the second semester rolled around. I even used DXM for the first time (and started going to class on it) because I was so scared of reality. I am not even sure how I graduated with all the time I missed and subpar effort I put in. I almost wish I hadn't because my GPA blows and none of the faculty will give me a recommendation to anyone/where.

Today was the first day that I can remember where I haven't been able to use substances to curb my despondency. The only drug I've consumed in the last 24 hours is a minute amount of caffeine. Without alcohol, opiates, etc. to quell my brain I am unable to sleep and can only lament my past or think of delightful ways to pass away quietly. I was laying in bed with my lovely puppy--whose adorableness thankfully keeps me here for now--trying to sleep for over an hour but couldn't. My depression comes and goes, however it's more the inability to forgive myself that I cannot stand. I broke my hand punching a mirror after fighting with my parents about 3 weeks ago and it supremely fucked up my summer. Because of this I have a nice disabling reminder of my mental instability each day, not to mention the embarrassment that comes when a friend says "Oh hey how'd that happen man?"

Damnit, I may not be a starving African or homeless prostitute but life sucks.
 
It has been said time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain, and in time the mind protecting it's sanity covers them with scar tissue. The pain lessens but is never gone.

~Rose Kennedy


Maybe there are things that bother you and you are not sure why. Your mind has a way of protecting itself. So never face your fears alone or you may see something you can't handle on your own. Always have a safety net or someone to help you. You are worth the extra effert even if you never know why you are the way you are. There are always reasons why you fear things. Just try not to let your fears define you or they win your life and sanity. You are worth the happiness to try to get to the root of your fears and hurts, just know how tricky memories can be. They can make or break the strongest of people.
 
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I was thinking today, and I was reading all of the posts in here. It is so sad that we can all have the same problems, but never really find peace with situations. I mean, I am happy in a lot of the moments in my life with my kids, but I carry a lot of pain with me in all I do. It shows like a person's age would. I feel like there are times I can only hang on and remember to ride out the currant. I will start to know where I am after it's hardest crash hits. It just seems harder to see the ones, like my oldest daughter. The innocent ones. Who will never know her father, because he overdosed when she was three years old. She doesn't even remember him or so she says. :( I worry about her, and I carry so much guilt from using with her dad before he died. It has really been hard on me to even get close to others, or if I do, I self sabatoge it so I will spare the hurt later if I was to lose them. It sounds pathetic, but I don't think I am alone in how I feel. Distance is so much safer. So just felt like sharing. Maybe we can all comfort each other. It's a good thought anyways. :\
 
Honestly I don't see a whole lot of light shining through right now. However, looks like there are plenty of people stuck here in the dark with me. We should remember that . (we're never really alone)
I miss the days when I wasn't so stubborn - to actually be open about the way I feel, to work through it, confide...etc. Now I feel trapped and am far too comfortable here.
 
Im not in the best place right now. I blame it on being lonely, then I find a girlfriend, and the depression just does not go away. I've been cutting back on medication, and quit tramadol, that I believe is whats causing how im feeling currently...especially shitty.

I feel guilty...i ask God for someone to help me through this...my prayer is answered...and I believe only I can help me get through this.

Amen to feeling like you're the only one to feel like shit when youre feeling like shit. Not to sound horribly mean, but...glad to hear im not the only one who feels like shit (hey i through some humor in for fun).
 
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