Anyone got any experience with couples counselling?

[Doomed2pain]

Few people will know my situation. Chronic pain patient and sufferer of PTSD, adjustment disorder with anxiety and depression as well as panic attacks.

All of these conditions put a lot of strain on my relationship with me ex fiance, we were meant to marry in October but as my health deteriorated we drifted apart, eventually even split up.

He is still living with me and being as supportive as possible. I want to work things out and he does too,once I start getting better (am starting cbt, emdr soon hopefully and also waiting for a new pain specialist)

So my question is, has anyone ever tried couples counselling? Did it work and do you think maybe we could benefit from it?

It must be very hard for him to have put up with my pain, moods and gradual deterioration from a once lively, sociable and capable person into the mere shell I am now, and he needs support too. I do not resent him for this.

Be great to hear peoples views on is. Thanks

 

[herbavore]

I have done couples counseling and I believe it is like all counseling--you get what you put into it. But beyond that it can be very helpful because both partners are being supported and feel safe. A lot of times one person is feeling attacked and one is feeling unheard so without a safe mediator things can degenerate fast even with the best intentions. Just make sure that you both agree on the therapist so that it truly does feel like a safe place to explore the hard stuff. And there is always hard stuff8)

 

[Doomed2pain]

Yeh I'm hoping we can both try really hard. As he had some issues from being hurt by previous partners, which made him more insecure and likely to be clingy andjealous at times. So that needs working through. But I'd like help as obviously I can be difficult when the pain, depression etc is bad, so maybe if he has the support of the counselling he'll learn not to take it to heart, as I never mean to be hurtful etc.

It's been difficult for us both, I've changed so much and It is hard forbid both to come to terms ith this. Excuse my typo etc, hand is hurting so bad and all seized up. Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it

 

[Dave]

Yeah, the biggest thing is that both people need to be 100% on-board, or nothing will come of it. A good friend went through couple's counseling a year ago, and his (now ex-) wife was dramatic as could be during the sessions but still completely dismissive outside them. A complete waste of money in the end.

But if you and your ex- are wanting to reconcile, and if you're getting help for the other stuff, and you're both willing to work at it, then I'd bet that it will go well for you!

 

[Doomed2pain]

Yes we both really want to sort things out. We still love each other, he has shown that by still being here, even though he sleep on the sofa. He still does the shopping, takes my boy to school for m cause I can't with my panic etc. And still tries his hardest to protect me and prevent m from harming myself when my head takes a turn for he worse. We want to wait until my mental health improves before starting it though.

So yes I think we are equally dedicated. And we still get on as friends, watch tv together, I watch him play xbox. It's just the physical and intimacy that isn't being shown now.

Also, I was wondering if maybe he should get some support for being a carer, like the mental health checks they do to make sure the carer is coping. What do you think?

Are we going about this the right way?

 

[Dave]

If support is available, then take it with both hands with a smile upon your face. Being a caregiver is tough.

That said, I think that you're taking the right path in getting some of the bigger things taken care of, or at least started, before starting the couple's therapy. If nothing else, the pressing physical and psychological issues will interfere with the couple work.

 

[Doomed2pain]

Yeh that's what we thought, sort my head out first, then sort us out. Or the extra stress of going through issues could cause problems with my already fragile mental health.

The physical problems aren't going to get sorted anytime in the next few years, but I should be getting some extra help on the care front at least, so that will take some pressure off his shoulders. Im going to discuss getting him some help from my cbt counsellor as it is her people that support caregivers too.

I hope this works, just thinking about sorting things out between us is giving me something positive to look forward to. Fingers crossed

 

[badmommy]

Doomed - I recently went through something very similar but I am married.

Sparing the details, we had an awesome relationship - then started using drugs recreationally together - then more habitually. He preferred coke, me heroin. He did not like that but whatevs -- if he can do his DOC so can I. We ended up getting clean and stopping all the BS partying (only lasted about two years). Then, just as I got clean, was in an accident and prescribed opies. He stayed clean but was resentful about my usage which I needed to even move - and I didnt abuse.

I went through treatment (epidural injections, physical therapy, meds, detoxing) and was finally off everything when my physical problems came back 10 fold. He had stated drinking heavily by this time, and stopped doing shit around the house, stopped paying bills, stopped even hanging out with the kids.

We started couples counseling. We looked up doctors online and agreed to one. WHat I really liked is that he wanted to see us each individually for the first few sessions and then both individually and together as a couple. What he told us is that there was so much hatred and resentment between us he refused to see us as a couple, and suggested, to me at least, that I file for divorce and soon. We both stuck with therapy individually for a little while after that and then just stopped going.

I just filed last week. We are essentially "roommates" and nothing more. He is very mean and tells me "just take a pill, or three or four because you are such a bitch and I'm sick of dealing with it." I'm tied of feeling like shit and then having the person who is supposed to be my best friend, my partner in crime, make me feel mentally worse.

My advice is that if you are considering therapy or counseling DO NOT PUT IT OFF!!!! Do it before things get any worse, before there is any more resentment. Save your relationship and learn about yourselves along the way. I wish I would have done this years ago because although I am hurt and angry, I am even more saddened knowing how we used to be and what we have turned into. And if you don't like the counselor -- change. Find a new one. They work for you and you should feel comfortable disclosing your issues with him/her.

I wish you the best and I hope you can salvage what you have. In sickness and in health does not really mean much until you are in that situation - then you come to realize how difficulty and challenging those times may be. But you can do it. Don't end up in my situation.

 

[Doomed2pain]

I am so sorry to hear that you in that situation it's awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We went out together last night to watch a friends band (my dr prescribed me diazepam as it was my sons first nativity yesterday and I wouldn't have been able to go without the diazepam) so I thought I'd make the most of my script so we could do something together.

We had a really good night and it resulted in us sharing the bed for the first time since may. He knows how hard I am trying, and he is really trying to so it looks like things might be going the right way. I still definitely want to go to counselling together, and so does he. I also am going to talk to my cbt therapist so she can get him some support as my carer as he is entitled to it.

What condition do you have Hun? Us pain and mental health patients should stick together so feel free to pm me, I like to make new friends especially people who have gone through similar problems as a lot of people are hard for me to talk to when they don't understand how much pain I am in, whyi cant go on nightnout with them any more, why I am often stuck in the house and don't feel up to visiting them, or them me.

Again I am really sorry to hear what you are going through and I am he for support if you would like it. Take care Hun and hopefully speak soon