I wanna share my story.
Throughout highschool I never considered social interaction formalities and I never cared, however things never worked out for me. When I left school I developed agoraphobia after that I learnt to socialize through PUA and working in sales where I was taught about eye contact and body language and mirroring. Things still didnt work out , I got my heart broken, called a moron and a loser by my ex and drug fucked myself and became more socially reclusive as my friends kept doing the same thing but more grown up.
Fast forward 8 years and I had been seeing a general doctor for 2 years and I ask for a referral to a psychologist after a family member points out I have a problem, before my appointment I open up the referral and see Aspergers Syndome.
I think to myself well thats whats wrong with me!
The psychologist is an associate professor in a very high position and charges $280 an hour, I saw him frequently for a year and during that time it was all reassurance talk therapy.
During one of the first few session being told I dont have aspergers, aspergers people say silly things, watch Napolean Dynamite thats Aspergers you dont have it. Little did I know when I had to front court for assault he started resenting me but not being upfront about it, he told me he hopes I dont have NPD, I was in denial but again his job is to re-assure me I need to go live my life and not worry, he upped the therapy cost to $290. At the time I didnt think well this guy doesnt like me because he was so good at his job I felt we had a good dr-patient relationship but I later found out we actually didnt. He still did his job but in a condescending manner, he knew it wouldnt end well.
Shit hit the fan and I ended up in the emergency department from drugs, the ED doctors needed to contact my care doctors and they would have been told Aspergers by my Doctor and Cluster B by my Psychologist. I was panicking and paranoid and they kept re-assuring me everthing was only anxiety so I went through my medical record while there as it was right next to me. I saw NPD on it from a previous visit. (Every doctor needs to make their own diagnosis).
They did social psych tests on me such as asking about my broad vocabulary, they concluded "Cluster B" meaning more NPD not Autism. I was discharged however I was psychotic and only ended up in the psych ward there about a month later.
The nurses HATED ME for looking in my record. Personality disorders are not something you are meant to be aware of, treated yes but not made aware of because they are so ingrained you cant completely treat them like other disorders.
My psychologist released all my records to his colleagues because he was pissed. He had OCPD and part of that is being intolerable to being wronged. I guess it did not help that he got called up during his 50th birthday holiday while writing a book denouncing Anger. I am pretty sure he needed therapy himself after that.
All personality disorders are bad but NPD and BPD are the most stigmatized due to the lack of shame and remorse. Even until today knowing about psych I cant quite work out why everyone got so worked up about me going through my medical record. The psychiatrist I am seeing now even got put offside after he spoke to my old psychologist(to try find out WTF is wrong with me), as soon as your deemed Cluster B its like you are lumped together with Charles Manson and
Robert Mugabe.
The worst thing about the whole ordeal is the irony of an associate professor of psychology being unable to overcome the shortcomings of his personality disorder.
The best you can hope for is managing it enough to hide it from people, which he cunningly did until I found out the truth.
i am looking to keep clean from now but its hard, my psych has spoke off ssri's but i have declined for ages now
