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Any stories of quitting despite very few consequences?

H

Harmredux

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2013
Messages
163
I was curious if anyone had some advice on learning to let go. Maybe the right kind of counseling to look for, or some action you took that made the difference.

First of all, This is getting ridiculous with me, I had surgery a week ago and it hurts, while already a pain patient for a different issue, and refused to accept a script from surgeon but ran out of regular meds and been miserable for 3 days (reg. pain, surgical pain, w/d).... but it made me realize I could probably get by with less. My issue is that it's really hard because I never bought anything illegal and a significant oxy + other opiates on top is covered by insurance. So I have the handcuffs of physical dependance but have a job and I guess high functioning addict?

I have trauma like everyone else, I think I am manic/depressive and most definitely not balanced- even as a little kid (like 6-8) I begged my dentist to give me laughing gas which he always did because he was our neighbor and it was decades ago. BUT I REFUSE to go on psych meds- too many people I know attempted (and most succeeded) taking their lives and I put at least a lot of the blame on the meds.

I feel like I have tried everything, yet here I am again in W/D and pain because I used my meds too fast.

No idea what to do anymore. I tried finding cognitive behavioral therapy and it's not offered anywhere and I have been told the "real" CBT where they use actual science to measure responses to stimuli, triggers, is not a reality. Shrinks basically take a weekend course and add CBT to their list of credentials.
Can anyone at least help me find that?
I'm so sick of my life revolving around obsessive thinking about using alcohol and drugs.
 
I don't think that it is possible to quit an addiction. But it can be replaced with something healthy or at least less harmful. For example opiates -> jogging, stimulants -> writing.

If one quits an addiction, and there is nothing to replace it, the chances are, that the old addiction will crawl back eventually, or something even more harmful replaces it at some point.

I hear ya, about the "obsessive thinking about using alcohol and drugs." it kinda sucks. And the "drug references" everywhere, like... in ordinary language. "Speed of a car" "Grass in the field" and so on. I don't think that i can ever get rid of that shit. I have rewired my brain into this culture. Drug culture.

I apologize, i guess this reply was not helpful at all, but i am going to post it anyway.

I wish you strength. There is always hope. Even when it sometimes feels like there is none.
 
Thanks. The affirmation is helpful enough. It's not just the feeling, the W/D, it's even things like being on this board- like you said culture that I shouldn't be in when I want to slow down to bare min. to control pain.
 
What exaclty do you wish to acheive?
and why?

There has to been an ice breaker somewhere in your situation.
Id like to understand.
 
It's hard enough to quit when your life is falling apart, let alone when things are "good"
I would always try so hard. Cut off contacts. Use maintainence. I tried both Subs and Methadone. Methadone worked so much better than the Subs. I would mostly just sell my Subs and by dope and just keep enough to avoid being sick, but of course things only got worse.
I've actually been doing pretty good until I met this girl. We started talking and realized that we both loved drugs and sure enough we end up hooking up now we get high together like every day. Yeah life can be cruel like that.
 
I went clean/sober 9 months ago.
Things get worse, things get good, things get unbearable, you have a great day.
Then one trigger leads to a terrible day. Its like a bi-polar cycle.

There is never the "perfect" time to quit.
Theres always an excuse.

I dream of the shit everynight,
but here i am sitting here sober and still enjoying the forum well trying to
 
I quit everything a couple months ago, and just feeling well again off a 3 week binge. I don't really have anything to stop me and an endless hydromorph supply. I just got sick of it. Every-time i travel i have to make sure i have enough so i don't get dope sick and the fentanyl in dope skyrockets my tolerance to where 48mg of hydromorph does nothing for me and i need them for pain. When i have pain i want something to work. The dope is crap now, no real heroin. I don't know if i will stay sober though but i want to for now.
I can't handle stress sober and i have a neighbor who isn't worth jail time. She was bitching yesterday and my first thought was to call my dealer but instead i played my guitar and sang loud enough to annoy her.
I'm kinda annoyed i got sick off a 3 week binge but i was only quit methadone and fentanyl 2 months before that
 
Nightrider19 said:
I went clean/sober 9 months ago.
Things get worse, things get good, things get unbearable, you have a great day.
Then one trigger leads to a terrible day. Its like a bi-polar cycle.

There is never the "perfect" time to quit.
Theres always an excuse.

I dream of the shit everynight,
but here i am sitting here sober and still enjoying the forum well trying to
Click to expand...
Welcome back. Congrats on your 9 months. Be very careful about which threads you read and respond to. I'm clean almost 2 years and I still find myself getting triggered. It's very easy to start obsessing about drugs again when we spend too much time on here. I love BL and the people but I have to be very careful and keep things in check.
 
Nightrider, not sure what you mean by "ice breaker". I am a legit pain patient, but instead of putting in a ridiculous amount of hard work and discipline to get as healthy as possible - anti-inflammatory diet, working out like crazy to lose the 5 or 10 pounds of extra weight (I'm not fat, but probably could stand to lose 8 pounds... Which is like the weight of a gallon of milk and not carrying that around all day would help), I have a large-ish amount I can get prescribed each month and can't break free from using at all because I pay literally $20 a month total for everything.
I never used heroin, have a job, keep my family fed and not lacking anything... In fact taking high doses actually helps me have the energy and lack of pain to actively seek out things to do with the family.

So if I quit, not only is it my emotional crutch, but I am in too much pain to do a ton of things. The kids get more of me when I am not in pain.
The only drawback is that I inevitably run out 2 days a month and am all but useless.

Never had any problems with the law, never bought or sold any of my meds.

I know that this is not healthy, but I have more reasons to stay on than off UNLESS I WAS ABLE TO COMPLETELY DETOX and then put in that absurd amount of hard work, which may or may not result in needing as much meds.
I am guessing if I got obsessed with getting down to lowest possible dose or finding once I am super healthy I don't need daily meds is only thing motivating me.

That's why it is so hard.

If I were buying drugs illegally or stealing to support my habit, or shooting up, or anything of the sort this would actually be a LOT EASIER. But with almost zero consequences it's hard. My biggest worry is someone knows I have meds and doesn't know they are in an alarmed safe bolted into concrete and tries to rob me which would inevitably get them shot.

Kinda like Jenn said minus the heroin.

Tired of it all, it's a shitty way to live, but without consequences to others it's hard to justify putting myself through hell to decrease dose.
 
"If I were buying drugs illegally or stealing to support my habit, or shooting up, or anything of the sort this would actually be a LOT EASIER."

I call bs. If you were buying drugs illegally or stealing to support your habit, you would already be so far down the rabit hole that you might never come out again. Its easier now. Your just tricking yourself. Its always easier at first. THe more you kick, the worse it gets. Take it from someone who knows.
If I could go back in time to where you are in my opiate lifespan, fuck I would quit. U think its hard now? Im sorry but you have no idea what they will do to you.

if your not gonna quit, just save a couple for those days. So use heavily for 5 days and save like 1 for day 6 1 for day 7. Its just enough to take the edge off so your not completely fucked.
 
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