The best cure I know
Hey brother...
I feel the need to back you up.
I remember the transition quite clearly as well.
It took 3 days after my last use to 'change'. I felt great for the first three days, but then, quite suddenly it was
very different.
It it hard to handle people that immediately want to point out other factors as the cause, when we really have
ZERO doubt, whatsoever.
The difference is
amazing in its relentlessness.
Every day you wake up and its still there.
To respond to your inquiries:
Short-term memory loss seems to be much less common and less pronounced than anxiety/depression/anhedonia. Many people with injuries to the frontal or prefrontal cortex maintain their IQs, just not their perception of the world...
If you were mixing up words, you would truly belong to the 'e-tard' category.
It seems that more long-term down-regulation must occur for that to happen.
The fact that you continued to do well in school is most impressive.
It not only speaks to your intact intelligence, but it also shows your drive to continue living when so many others could not. Good fucking job.
You already know the answer to MAOIs and TCAs, too.
ECT is very risky. It is also effective in sprouting new 5-HT receptors.
It has resulted in profound relief of symptoms for those that suffer extreme schizo/psychotic disorders. While we have a few clinical symptoms in common with this group, we are not
really a part of it. Even IF we were, ECT would not be offered to us until LONG after standard medications failed to provide benefits. They just won't do it.
Also, consider the fact that the 're-wiring' that you are going through is going to be permanent. I fear that ECT could cause receptor sites to be
forced open in inappropriate areas. I read an account of a woman that had this done to her and NEVER recovered. She called it a 'rape of the mind' and claimed to not feel human years down the road. The 5-HT network is trying to reconnect over vast distances in the brain, so forcing it to permanently alter its course could cause major problems.
That being said, some do claim major improvement after ECT.
It probably induces massive release of cortisol, which compresses the normal healing process. I imagine you get
days/weeks worth of recovery done in
minutes.
That
might be a good thing. But if its bad, it might be
really bad.
I normally rant about exercise, but this time I will suggest something even closer to ECT than that!
Anger.
I have brought this up before as well, but I must push it again.
Exercise has always brought reliable and consecutive benefits that have REALLY helped.
But on the nights that I have broken down and allowed my anxiety/depression/anhedonia to transform into
anger/rage - I have felt more change than ANY work-out
ever provided.
It normally takes quite a while too - its not a quick process.
I intentionally MAKE it last as long as possible.
I will literally FORCE myself to feel more and more angry about what happened.
I will push the tears and screaming out.
I wail on my punching bag until I feel like I'm going to pass out!
Sometimes I am done in 10 minutes. Sometimes I repeat the process for up to 2 hours! As long as I still feel the slightest anger left within me, I keep going...
By the end I am exhausted, and I wonder why I haven't had a stroke...
I actually take Aspirin and Tumeric beforehand.
The hours that follow this are VERY strange.
I can FEEL the neurotransmitters soaking in.
My whole body is affected.
The days that follow often feel
completely stable and quiet, eerily so.
I have been known to claim feeling 'normal' on some of these days.
Can you accept this as possible?
Can you believe that intense bouts of anger produce a chemical equivalent to ECT?
It makes sense to me, and LOTS of therapists, that the potent expression of anger produces vast neuro-endocrine changes. Any good therapist will try to get a depressed patient to realize what they are angry about. Many patients aren't even aware that they are
supposed to be that mad. Only after forcing it out, do they exhibit a real change.
You may not even feel that much anger over what happened.
You should.
If you embrace your dark side - really go for it...
Brother, I
promise results.
How about this:
About a month ago I had a particularly strong 'rage session'.
I had not had one for about 4 months when this one took place.
I was NOT prepared for the change that followed.
The next day, I felt a shift occur.
Not only was I a little bit sharper mentally, but I had a
massive increase in blood flow to parts of my brain.
My constant head-pressure and 'buzzing' suddenly turned into something that felt like ZAPS or the
ripping and tearing of brain tissue!
It hurt like HELL.
For HOURS.
I was
certain I was going to have a stroke....no doubt about it.
I had reason to believe that I
did.
That night I felt radial pain all down my right arm, from the armpit to the palm of my hand. It hurt and felt numb at the same time. I feared losing muscle control and not being able to lift the arm.
The next two days were still very bad.
Every time I ate, I would have HOURS of amazing new head-pressure.
It felt like my eyes were going to POP and fill with blood!
I had not felt such pressure in my head since the beginning of this whole ordeal!
Then I read that former MDMA users are at an
increased risk of stroke for LONG after they discontinue use. Very young, former users of MDMA have died this way. This is due to changes in the 5-HT network, which has very strong effects upon blood distribution in the brain.
I believe that as the brain recovers and re-sprouts new receptors, there can be sudden shifts in vascular pressure. As new receptors take hold within the branches of the network, there is an increase in serotonin in areas that were previously starved.
These 'previously starved' sections of tissue have undergone compensatory up-regulation. Once the serotonin starts to flow, there is WAY too much blood flow/pressure in this area! Autopsies of MDMA users have revealed tissue necrosis in the Globus pallidus, a serotonin rich section of the brain.
The whole point of this rant was to establish the unbelievably
potent effects of 'rage therapy'. It caused a marked and sudden change in me - one so profound that I couldn't deny it. There was a definitive change in blood distribution in my brain as a
direct result of this 'therapy'.
Its as good as any goddamn ECT.
What is happening to us is not simply the re-establishment of 'old' receptor sites.
Instead, we are experiencing a
re-organization of the 'ascending' axonal structure.
This is going to take more time.
Animal research suggests that the last 25% of recovery takes as long as the first 75%.
There is not much real treatment for patients like us.
SSRIs are a foolish response used by doctors. They provide real results, but at a high cost. Other medications do not address the primary issue, which is the re-organization of the 5-HT tree.
ECT can speed up the re-wiring, but perhaps in a very risky/permanent manner.
The only 'treatment' that I believe in other than regular exercise is semi-regular
"rage therapy".
If you need a psychologist to guide you, you should consider it.
If you don't want to go that route, then you must try this on your own.
I have met former SSRI users that have not recovered from anhedonia for
decades after discontinuation. They never feel human again.
I strongly suspect that these people allowed their brains to be re-wired without the expression of primal emotions.
It is easy to ignore the depth of anger that is present, because just like all your other feelings, it is distant.
But unlike the positive emotions, the emotion of anger is hard-wired in.
Your limbic system still functions. Use it.
Reach deep down and drag that shit out.
Its not like I can do it on just any day.
I wait for the feeling of desperation to build.
I plan for it.
Every time I go through with it, I feel like I hit another plateau the next day!
This is the only way I know how to help you, brother.
I hope you really consider it.
Good luck, Cat.
into 
whoa, thanks for this wonderful post