Scared Anorexia and stimulant abuse

[Noahhatesme]

If theres any othere rexies out there, hi.

Im hardcore panicing. Went pants shopping today because all of my pants quite liturally fall off me now. Ill do the thingy on the numbers and shit but I found out ive dropped from a size

Spoiler: #

8

to a size

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0

and i cant figure out whats worse. The dread or the sick sense of satisfaction and exitment.

For reference i am 5'5'' and 15 yo. My high weight was

Spoiler: #

168lbs

, my lowest weight was

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112lbs

, and i am currently

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116lbs

.

I know i need to stop. Im right above threshhold for being "underweight". It phusically hurts to eat now. Im on vyvanse for adhd but some days ive been taking 2-3 times my perscribed amount just so i dont have to look in the mirror. I dont get hungry on it and even if i do its not like im with it enough to do anything about it.

Im gonna get worse. Theyll send me to the fucking ward. I cant do this shit. Idefk anymore. I had a full on panic attack over 5 fucking jalepeno poppers. How many calories even was that? It didnt say on the menu. Idk why i even ordered it. If i gain tommorow i am fucking done. Istg ill fast for a fucking week if i have to.

How tf do i stop? I cant do it. I just fucking cant.

Id rather fucking die than gain weight rn. But i dont wanna die. For once in my fucking life i actually want to be alive. But its gonna kill me. Give it 3 years if even. Lets see what happends first. Will my ribs collapse or will i OD. I mean ive already had a few minor ods, not severe enough to kill me though. Do i keep rollong the dice hoping i wont roll snake eyes? Its so much easier to just rot.

Tf do i do.

 

[Senior Moderator]

I am so sorry you're going through this immense battle. And it truly is a battle. I have been there myself, anorexic and bulimic on and off, sometimes both at the same time, for many many years. It consumed me. So, I can understand the mental struggle you're experiencing.

You really and truly should seek some help with trying to gain some weight. I'm sorry to say that because I know it's not what you want to hear. But your body needs some nutrition to live. You may be able to get help without being hospitalised or institutionalised. Perhaps you can start by seeing your regular doctor and asking for some advice on how to gain a few pounds with some supplements, perhaps. I find that supplements (protein shakes, things like that) are less intimidating than actual food, when you're facing this dilemma.

If I may ask, how old are you? You don't need to answer that if you don't feel comfortable doing so for whatever reason.

 

[Noahhatesme]

I am so sorry you're going through this immense battle. And it truly is a battle. I have been there myself, anorexic and bulimic on and off, sometimes both at the same time, for many many years. It consumed me. So, I can understand the mental struggle you're experiencing.

You really and truly should seek some help with trying to gain some weight. I'm sorry to say that because I know it's not what you want to hear. But your body needs some nutrition to live. You may be able to get help without being hospitalised or institutionalised. Perhaps you can start by seeing your regular doctor and asking for some advice on how to gain a few pounds with some supplements, perhaps. I find that supplements (protein shakes, things like that) are less intimidating than actual food, when you're facing this dilemma.

If I may ask, how old are you? You don't need to answer that if you don't feel comfortable doing so for whatever reason.

Im 15. And i know i should talk to my doctor, but im worried theyll tell my parents. They dont know the full story, and id prefer they didnt.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

You really should get into some type of therapy in order to change those thinking patterns around food. I've heard that CBT has good results for people with eating disorders. Because yeah as you yourself know, you'll end up starving yourself to death if you carry on this way.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Im 15. And i know i should talk to my doctor, but im worried theyll tell my parents. They dont know the full story, and id prefer they didnt.

To the bone was a good flick. Keanu Reeves was really good in it. I just watched it the other day. What a cool Dr. he played.

Do your parents ask you why you are losing weight? Do you have to sit at the dinner table with them?

Did this all start happening when you got prescribed the vyvance?

I had a friend that the same thing happened to her. She was actually pretty chunky ( around 160 lb ) and in 6 months she was down to 100. Then she lost her script for some reason and she gained all the weight back. Then she got another Dr. to prescribe it again and the same thing happened. It also made her mean and aggressive and she would pick fights with people all the time ( just verbal ones ). She actually went from a really nice , fun loving chick to someone that nobody wanted to be around. It was really sad to see as I had known her for about 10 years and the last 2 years I hung out with her were terrible.

I worry more about you having heart and organ problems as you are only 15 years old and it's way too early for you to be hurting your organs like you are. I know that this disease hits people your age ( and younger ) so maybe you should come clean with your Parents and see about some therapy.

Are you just not hungry because of the vyvance or can you eat when that days dose wears off ?

 

[Noahhatesme]

You really should get into some type of therapy in order to change those thinking patterns around food. I've heard that CBT has good results for people with eating disorders. Because yeah as you yourself know, you'll end up starving yourself to death if you carry on this way.

Im currently on a waiting list fir CBT, but it could be another 5 months. Ive already been on the list for 3.
I was in therepy at one point to help manage my ptsd, but i left because the therepist was a piece of shit. She was nice, but tbh she made things way worse at the time.

 

[Noahhatesme]

To the bone was a good flick. Keanu Reeves was really good in it. I just watched it the other day. What a cool Dr. he played.

Do your parents ask you why you are losing weight? Do you have to sit at the dinner table with them?

Did this all start happening when you got prescribed the vyvance?

I had a friend that the same thing happened to her. She was actually pretty chunky ( around 160 lb ) and in 6 months she was down to 100. Then she lost her script for some reason and she gained all the weight back. Then she got another Dr. to prescribe it again and the same thing happened. It also made her mean and aggressive and she would pick fights with people all the time ( just verbal ones ). She actually went from a really nice , fun loving chick to someone that nobody wanted to be around. It was really sad to see as I had known her for about 10 years and the last 2 years I hung out with her were terrible.

I worry more about you having heart and organ problems as you are only 15 years old and it's way too early for you to be hurting your organs like you are. I know that this disease hits people your age ( and younger ) so maybe you should come clean with your Parents and see about some therapy.

Are you just not hungry because of the vyvance or can you eat when that days dose wears off ?

It started after my suiside attempt. I originally just wanted to loose some weight to help with my gender dysphoria, but it became obsessive.
I didnt get perscribed vyvance until about 9 months after, and when i realized i could use it to get rid of my hunger cues thats when i started abusing it.
My hunger cues come back after it wears off, but i have other health issues (hyperthyroidism, high colesteral, weak stomach lining, heart arithmia, etc.) That make it dangerous and very painful to eat after i havent for awhile. Every time i eat my stomach ends up hurting so bad i end up either vomiting from the nausea or havung to lay down for awile till i dont feel like im being stabbed. And even if i dont end up in pain, i still get very faint

Also omg, i love 2 the bone

 

[Senior Moderator]

Im currently on a waiting list fir CBT, but it could be another 5 months. Ive already been on the list for 3.
I was in therepy at one point to help manage my ptsd, but i left because the therepist was a piece of shit. She was nice, but tbh she made things way worse at the time.

It may have just been that the PTSD therapy itself made things initially worse, not the actual therapist. Again, I am talking from experience. I have been in therapy for many years now and it always feels way worse before it starts to get any easier. You just have to persist through the hardest parts unfortunately. There is no way around it, especially when dealing with trauma therapy.

I truly hope you get some help soon, I really wish the best for you. You are so young and therefore there is so much hope for you to turn things around before you do any permanent damage to your internal organs. Please take our advice. I know this is really hard

 

[Eligiu]

I second To The Bone, as a close friend of someone with long term anorexia. It helped me understand it far more, and her struggles.

I have ARFID, Avoidant-Restrictive Food Intake Disorder and my food issues are very complex, though I don't lose weight deliberately, I just have very little interest in food, however I have also over my life developed a habit of starving myself deliberately as a form of self harm as I ' don't deserve food'

I would really encourage you to seek out specialist treatment in this area. May I ask which country you are from? If in Australia I know of the EDP which provides a lot of treatment from a dietitian and psychologist, which could be very useful.

Elsewhere unforutunely I'm less sure.

Happy to help if in Australia.

 

[Noahhatesme]

I second To The Bone, as a close friend of someone with long term anorexia. It helped me understand it far more, and her struggles.

I have ARFID, Avoidant-Restrictive Food Intake Disorder and my food issues are very complex, though I don't lose weight deliberately, I just have very little interest in food, however I have also over my life developed a habit of starving myself deliberately as a form of self harm as I ' don't deserve food'

I would really encourage you to seek out specialist treatment in this area. May I ask which country you are from? If in Australia I know of the EDP which provides a lot of treatment from a dietitian and psychologist, which could be very useful.

Elsewhere unforutunely I'm less sure.

Happy to help if in Australia.

Im in the US. And as of rn im stuck on waiting lists. Im not considered "severe enough" for me to get immediate or even close to immedeate treatment.