louisvillemusicman
Bluelighter
I don't expect anyone to read this or care at all. I just need to say everything that is on my mind and I have no one that I feel like I can talk to this about. Not like the internet is better, but you understand.
I have this daily struggle with school, my family, drugs, my love life, and myself.
With finals coming up in 3 weeks, school is getting me really stressed out. I have 5 projects due by next Wednesday and while I can get it done, I'm already stressed out all of the time so that just sucks. I have to work a few days a week which is fun because I work with a few friends and it's a relaxing fun time and I can smoke all of the cigarettes in the world (I usually can't smoke much at home). Then there's the family. Next year I'll be moving out and my parents still think they can control my life. They are setting themselves up to be very disappointed because they restrict my social life so much that once college rolls around, I'm going to get burned out after 1 year. I can't help but think everyday about how mad it makes me that I don't get any respect. I am a good student, a good person and all that jazz but get treated like I am some criminal.
Now there's the girlfriend. We've been dating 6 months which is the longest I've ever dated anyone and I think I love her, at least I say that I do. But I think she had expectations that we are going to get married and I can't think about that now. having the same girlfriend all the way through high school and college is just going to hold me back from really getting out there. I have no idea what to do because I'm very happy with her, but it won't work out that we get married. What a scary thought.
The most intense two are drugs and myself. Sense I am so restricted by my parents, I don't really party a lot or go out and get folded every weekend. But I still get out there. The two main things in my life are weed and acid. and I love feeling wanted for having something that people want. I am a very recluse antisocial person and to have people call me to hang out feels amazing. but all I can think about is getting these two things. I constantly worry and battle myself about how I will get $40 when I am broke. I hate it. My mind is wired very weird and once I get excited about something I can't let it go for a couple days or even a couple weeks. Which explains why I'm up at 1:27 writing this. I can't sleep. My brain is so obsessed with everything going on in my life that I can't even sleep. It just doesn't have an off switch. I'll sleep 3 hours and then just be awake motionless in bed for 4 hours until my alarm clock goes off and then the start of a repeating day.
The probably the biggest problem though is how I view myself. I can escape everything else, even if it's just for 1 hour a day but I am constantly analyzing myself.
I am just starting to hang out with people for the first time in 2 years. I would hang out with people every now and then but not as much as now. and I love being with people! It's the best. but those two years alone made me very self judging. I always see what is wrong with me and why people don't like me. and at this point it's because I don't have any skills to socialize. This whole hanging out this has been going on for 2 months or so and when a new person joins the regular group, I don't talk at all because I have no idea what to say. I struggle to actually talk. I stutter and get anxious when I talk to people because I don't even know how to. It's really depressing.
I have no idea where I'm going with my life. I don't have any ideas about college or a job afterwards, I am going to end up just leaving before the year is up because of my bitchy family, my girlfriend... well fuck, I don't even know what to do there., this drug thing, I am going to get in really fucking deep and it's going to be hard to dig out myself and become the person I really am because I am so deep into doing drugs. I can easily see myself becoming some acid head or a heroin addict and I don't plan on doing a damn thing about it. I know that will happen and I don't even care.
If anyone actually reads this whole post, I will personally come and find you and give you a hug haha
I don't expect anyone to reply to this or understand, I just need somewhere to release my stress where people can hear my full thoughts. There aren't those kind of people in my life.
Well to whoever reads this, I really hope you have great day. Take care of yourself and don't think to much about anything. You'll lose yourself and find no way out.
Love you, Ben
I have this daily struggle with school, my family, drugs, my love life, and myself.
With finals coming up in 3 weeks, school is getting me really stressed out. I have 5 projects due by next Wednesday and while I can get it done, I'm already stressed out all of the time so that just sucks. I have to work a few days a week which is fun because I work with a few friends and it's a relaxing fun time and I can smoke all of the cigarettes in the world (I usually can't smoke much at home). Then there's the family. Next year I'll be moving out and my parents still think they can control my life. They are setting themselves up to be very disappointed because they restrict my social life so much that once college rolls around, I'm going to get burned out after 1 year. I can't help but think everyday about how mad it makes me that I don't get any respect. I am a good student, a good person and all that jazz but get treated like I am some criminal.
Now there's the girlfriend. We've been dating 6 months which is the longest I've ever dated anyone and I think I love her, at least I say that I do. But I think she had expectations that we are going to get married and I can't think about that now. having the same girlfriend all the way through high school and college is just going to hold me back from really getting out there. I have no idea what to do because I'm very happy with her, but it won't work out that we get married. What a scary thought.
The most intense two are drugs and myself. Sense I am so restricted by my parents, I don't really party a lot or go out and get folded every weekend. But I still get out there. The two main things in my life are weed and acid. and I love feeling wanted for having something that people want. I am a very recluse antisocial person and to have people call me to hang out feels amazing. but all I can think about is getting these two things. I constantly worry and battle myself about how I will get $40 when I am broke. I hate it. My mind is wired very weird and once I get excited about something I can't let it go for a couple days or even a couple weeks. Which explains why I'm up at 1:27 writing this. I can't sleep. My brain is so obsessed with everything going on in my life that I can't even sleep. It just doesn't have an off switch. I'll sleep 3 hours and then just be awake motionless in bed for 4 hours until my alarm clock goes off and then the start of a repeating day.
The probably the biggest problem though is how I view myself. I can escape everything else, even if it's just for 1 hour a day but I am constantly analyzing myself.
I am just starting to hang out with people for the first time in 2 years. I would hang out with people every now and then but not as much as now. and I love being with people! It's the best. but those two years alone made me very self judging. I always see what is wrong with me and why people don't like me. and at this point it's because I don't have any skills to socialize. This whole hanging out this has been going on for 2 months or so and when a new person joins the regular group, I don't talk at all because I have no idea what to say. I struggle to actually talk. I stutter and get anxious when I talk to people because I don't even know how to. It's really depressing.
I have no idea where I'm going with my life. I don't have any ideas about college or a job afterwards, I am going to end up just leaving before the year is up because of my bitchy family, my girlfriend... well fuck, I don't even know what to do there., this drug thing, I am going to get in really fucking deep and it's going to be hard to dig out myself and become the person I really am because I am so deep into doing drugs. I can easily see myself becoming some acid head or a heroin addict and I don't plan on doing a damn thing about it. I know that will happen and I don't even care.
If anyone actually reads this whole post, I will personally come and find you and give you a hug haha
I don't expect anyone to reply to this or understand, I just need somewhere to release my stress where people can hear my full thoughts. There aren't those kind of people in my life.
Well to whoever reads this, I really hope you have great day. Take care of yourself and don't think to much about anything. You'll lose yourself and find no way out.
Love you, Ben
)