Mental Health Anger, impulsivity, depression

[Foerock]

My brief history:
-Spoiled brat growing up (still am, I want what I want and I want it YESTERDAY)
-ADHD, GAD, and doctor said "possible APD"
-Diagnosed "sociopath" (manipulative, will tell lies ans make up entire life stories and play the role for as long as needed to get what I want while feeling little to no empathy for others whom I hurt in the process; doctor says since I still feel *some* empathy *sometimes* for significant others and friends that I am "a sociopath, and not a psychopath").
-Heroin addict (2003-2007; 2013-2016)
-Very successful career in HR 2007-2013 while I was only using THC as self medication for anxiety and ADHD
-Imprisoned 2015 for one year
-Sent far East for rehab 2016 and been in South-East Asia ever since

Many rehabs and psych wards later, I am now in a center where I found the most comfort and freedoms. For once finally I have a smart phone, PC, cash in hand, all the good stuff that ought make one happy. I am prescribed Xanax (max 1.5mg a day) for anxiety and mirtazapine for sleep. But as of late they have not been working. I used to be a very angry and impulsive person but have used cognitive behavioral therapy to improve on that and it worked for me most of the time. But as of late it hasn't been working. Also I have HORRENDOUS nightmares EVERY NIGHT. Mirtazapine used to help that but now it doesn't.

I have everything that should make one happy. But I feel no happiness. I just feel depressed. It's a weird feeling for me as I was never clinically depressed. Is it possible for me to develop clinical depression at the age of 34?

I am becoming very cynical and even entertain thoughts of suicide (but I'm not actually gonna do it though, attempted and failed twice and I'm not gonna try again; I wanna live; I don't wanna die). I did just go through a bad break-up and the girl actually is still my neighbor and I see her every day. My heart wants her but my mind knows better. I guess that is a factor. Another factor is I'm falling into a rut of pity-pot mode. Thinking of things like what could have been, what a waste the last 6 years were, how rich I was and how much of a nobody I am now. All negative thoughts and I fail to CBT myself into seeing all the positive things in my life.

I have been taking tramadol max twice a week for months for pain in my left groin. Before I was normal but last 3-5 weeks I noticed whenever I'm on 'em I feel kinda better but when I'm not I feel like shit. To be honest I'm proud of myself though because this is the first time I have had access to opioids for months and had the willpower not to get fully hooked. Still though this pattern raises red flags in my head and this is why I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

As of late I've been very impulsive and angry and I have come so close to punching people and I really don't wanna do such a thing because the guards will kick my ass and handcuff me if I do. I'll also lose my phone and stuff. But I'm afraid cause I feel the emotional explosion coming on.

I need to control the issues mentioned in the threads title. I have already spoken to a few members here and looked at some threads. Tomorrow I am going to ask my psychiatrist about certain medications. Keep in mind I quit Ritalin completely because I have grown to despise the way it makes me feel.

I've been told to ask about:
-Venlafaxine (antidepressant)
-Atomoxetine (ADHD/SNRI)
-Pregbalin / Gabapentin

Anyone have any additional recommendations? Please don't say meditation though as that doesn't help me. And I sadly cannot gym cause they're closed due to covid.

Appreciate any answers.

 

[Foerock]

Anger, impulsivity? halopiridol or any D3 antagonist will eliminate this for sure (self experience, and its used in rage people)
Venlafaxine will be good for you for depression but not Anger or impulsivity. (serotonin)

Atomoxetine is absolutely rubbish, and it will increase your Anger (adrenaline)

I've tried haloperidol as well as other antipsychotics (olanzapine, aripriprazole) and all they did was make me fat. This was back when I was misdiagnosed as bipolar in Malaysia which turned out to be a scam by the rehab to over-medicate me. I know this for a fact because I had almost ten other doctors tell me I was not bipolar, and even the doctor that diagnosed me as such changed his mind after none of the medications worked a year and a half later and said "it was probably just drug-induced, I guess you're not bi-polar after all". I slapped him and was kicked outta the hospital lol. Drugged me with antipsychotics for 18+ months then tells me it was all for no reason.

And as for Atomoxetine, I thought it wasn't a stimulant? What do you mean by adrenaline?

 

[G_Chem]

To me sounds like a combination of losing your girl with the intermittent tramadol use, it doesn’t take much to at least majorly fuck with our mood, energy, etc.

-GC

 

[Foerock]

You don't know adrenaline but you know serotonin , wired

adrenaline is nerountransmitter that the brain use it to product aggressive behaviors like when fighting she also increase alertness that why you feel the time slow down when fighting, she has antidepressants effect by increasing ability to enjoy aggressive behaviors, also lead to social dominance.

Atomoxetine "just" increase adrenaline that why I said it's better to avoid.

I know what adrenaline is. I just didn't understand what you meant by saying it. My question and confusion was how can a non-stimulant increase adrenaline?

 

[supersonic89]

To be honest, when I don't have my tramadol I also get quite upset and angry. And that I am a very peaceful person.

 

[supersonic89]

Well you're making progress anyway. You've moved from "Other Drugs" and drinking piss to "Recovery Support" and "Mental Health"! Keep it up and you'll be/we'll have you off of your Trams. and piss in no time!

Thanks man.

I'm thinking very well and maybe I can quit trams for good. That would be a Christmas miracle.

Spoiler

About the piss, I already managed to quit it hahaha. And I don't think I will do it again. I've been reading a little more and it seems very dangerous. I don't want to screw up my kidneys (more than they already are ) or something. I want to suffer a little the next time I run out of my trams.

That study you posted, I think I've read it about 3 times (so you can see how obsessed I am with this drug ). Although quittin it cold turkey has never given me psychosis. But you're all right that quittin it like this -cold turkey-, is serious business and these ugly side effects can appear.

 

[TheInvisibleStoner]

Benzos don't help for anything longer than a VERY short time. Tolerance builds very fast to start, and it also damages your brain like no other. Taking someone with anxiety and giving them a benzo dependence is the exact opposite of what should of been done. Since now that person requires benzos to function, and has a horrible withdrawal hanging over their head.....not too good for anxiety.

Once you come off, you will be 10x worse than when you started them.

Best to get off that stuff ASAP and learn healthy / natural ways to control your anxiety.

No drugs will help. They only cover it up for a few. Quicker you figure that out, quicker you get 100% clean will be the quicker you will be happy. The human brain was never designed to be played with like that with man made substances.

Benzos should be used sparingly to control seizures. Alcohol detox to control DT's. And used extremely sparingly during the first couple days of intense opiate withdrawal. That is it. Anything else you have been poorly prescribed and is only a band aid while the cut under never heals, only gets worse.

Look at any drug. If it has withdrawal symptoms like this following -

Tremors
Seizures
Suicide Idealization

Run like hell from it. That means the withdrawal is so bad you will kill yourself. How can any drug like that be good for you? They aren't. Its just big pharma getting rich off suckers.

 

[supersonic89]

Benzos don't help for anything longer than a VERY short time. Tolerance builds very fast to start, and it also damages your brain like no other. Taking someone with anxiety and giving them a benzo dependence is the exact opposite of what should of been done. Since now that person requires benzos to function, and has a horrible withdrawal hanging over their head.....not too good for anxiety.

Once you come off, you will be 10x worse than when you started them.

Best to get off that stuff ASAP and learn healthy / natural ways to control your anxiety.

No drugs will help. They only cover it up for a few. Quicker you figure that out, quicker you get 100% clean will be the quicker you will be happy. The human brain was never designed to be played with like that with man made substances.

Benzos should be used sparingly to control seizures. Alcohol detox to control DT's. And used extremely sparingly during the first couple days of intense opiate withdrawal. That is it. Anything else you have been poorly prescribed and is only a band aid while the cut under never heals, only gets worse.

Look at any drug. If it has withdrawal symptoms like this following -

Tremors
Seizures
Suicide Idealization

Run like hell from it. That means the withdrawal is so bad you will kill yourself. How can any drug like that be good for you? They aren't. Its just big pharma getting rich off suckers.

But, I know a lot of people, who takes benzodiazepines chronically (or at least for several years or for life) prescribed by their doctors. I don't know if the idiots here are the doctors or indeed there are cases in which the advantages of benzos outweigh its disadvantages and they need them to lead a more normal life.

 

[TheInvisibleStoner]

But, I know a lot of people, who takes benzodiazepines chronically (or at least for several years or for life) prescribed by their doctors. I don't know if the idiots here are the doctors or indeed there are cases in which the advantages of benzos outweigh its disadvantages and they need them to lead a more normal life.

If they work. But generally they stop working quite fast due to how fast tolerance builds.

This guys story is very common. Benzos work great at 1st, then no longer working for them. I have read some insane dosages in this forum as well.

However the worst part about benzos is when you get cut off (doctor, jail, other health issues, etc). Say hello to a withdrawal that will damage or possibly kill you. So not worth it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@Foerock

Hello.

I have a similar background.

I was not diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, but am being treated for it (LOL WTF) by a forensic.

She says i'm not a psychopath because of "how i feel about relationships". So that's good!

I was an antipsychotic/antidepressant named Seroquel that helped with violent impulses.

@TheInvisibleStoner has some great advice, but that's my story.

Hopefully all is well.

 

[Freeverse]

My brief history:
-Spoiled brat growing up (still am, I want what I want and I want it YESTERDAY)
-ADHD, GAD, and doctor said "possible APD"
-Diagnosed "sociopath" (manipulative, will tell lies ans make up entire life stories and play the role for as long as needed to get what I want while feeling little to no empathy for others whom I hurt in the process; doctor says since I still feel *some* empathy *sometimes* for significant others and friends that I am "a sociopath, and not a psychopath").
-Heroin addict (2003-2007; 2013-2016)
-Very successful career in HR 2007-2013 while I was only using THC as self medication for anxiety and ADHD
-Imprisoned 2015 for one year
-Sent far East for rehab 2016 and been in South-East Asia ever since

Many rehabs and psych wards later, I am now in a center where I found the most comfort and freedoms. For once finally I have a smart phone, PC, cash in hand, all the good stuff that ought make one happy. I am prescribed Xanax (max 1.5mg a day) for anxiety and mirtazapine for sleep. But as of late they have not been working. I used to be a very angry and impulsive person but have used cognitive behavioral therapy to improve on that and it worked for me most of the time. But as of late it hasn't been working. Also I have HORRENDOUS nightmares EVERY NIGHT. Mirtazapine used to help that but now it doesn't.

I have everything that should make one happy. But I feel no happiness. I just feel depressed. It's a weird feeling for me as I was never clinically depressed. Is it possible for me to develop clinical depression at the age of 34?

I am becoming very cynical and even entertain thoughts of suicide (but I'm not actually gonna do it though, attempted and failed twice and I'm not gonna try again; I wanna live; I don't wanna die). I did just go through a bad break-up and the girl actually is still my neighbor and I see her every day. My heart wants her but my mind knows better. I guess that is a factor. Another factor is I'm falling into a rut of pity-pot mode. Thinking of things like what could have been, what a waste the last 6 years were, how rich I was and how much of a nobody I am now. All negative thoughts and I fail to CBT myself into seeing all the positive things in my life.

I have been taking tramadol max twice a week for months for pain in my left groin. Before I was normal but last 3-5 weeks I noticed whenever I'm on 'em I feel kinda better but when I'm not I feel like shit. To be honest I'm proud of myself though because this is the first time I have had access to opioids for months and had the willpower not to get fully hooked. Still though this pattern raises red flags in my head and this is why I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

As of late I've been very impulsive and angry and I have come so close to punching people and I really don't wanna do such a thing because the guards will kick my ass and handcuff me if I do. I'll also lose my phone and stuff. But I'm afraid cause I feel the emotional explosion coming on.

I need to control the issues mentioned in the threads title. I have already spoken to a few members here and looked at some threads. Tomorrow I am going to ask my psychiatrist about certain medications. Keep in mind I quit Ritalin completely because I have grown to despise the way it makes me feel.

I've been told to ask about:
-Venlafaxine (antidepressant)
-Atomoxetine (ADHD/SNRI)
-Pregbalin / Gabapentin

Anyone have any additional recommendations? Please don't say meditation though as that doesn't help me. And I sadly cannot gym cause they're closed due to covid.

Appreciate any answers.

*Just wondering... Do you agree with your doctor when he diagnosed you with sociopathy and possible ASPD? Usually ASPD has roots in ACES and childhood psychopathology.

I guess it's possible to develop clinical depression at the age of 34. Most mental health conditions don't discriminate. Also, may be you already have MDD before but left undiagnosed, thus, untreated.

Hopefully your medications now will stabilize your mood.