an old soul in me, what should i do?

[tachikonna]

hello. i live in a normal suburban household in the northern USA. for the most part, my childhood was normal. i had anxiety and shit but never said anything to anyone as i thought it was normal. i dont remember much of my childhood but into middle school i tried drinking. then smoking. first week after smoke i tried MDMA. was too young to even get the DARE talk so wasnt afraid of anything. within a month i was hooked on coke and pushing to support habit. i went to a good school though. my parents have never found out anything ever. it is insane. anyway. hooked on coke. meth sometimes. fucks with your mind as a young teen. did it for a long time. year maybe. did everything i guess. iv. stopped pushing and using when i realized i was going insane. remember im still living a normal life to everyone. all As, perfect, etc. stopped for a longg time. dont remember how it felt being normal. it was strange. now that im older.. i am not a kid anymore. i am still young in years but since starting back.. its been 1 or so years. i am on it all. now its big leagues. strange, i had become something i wanted to be when i started. its easy to get serious. started going into the city, into clubs. girls in bed, but not the next day. living it all while still being 'normal'. how do people not tell the brain is haywire? college is coming next year. i have to make it that far but it feels like shit is always at its climax of your life when you are on things.. it feels like there cant be a long term of anything. keeping everything away, being extra careful for so long creates an enormous psychological weight. insane.

even my closest people do not know half. im always doing something. always somewhere. but i know it needs to stop. things cant go on forever, eventually something will happen. i realize that. the point of all this is that i dont know what the fuck to do. i feel so old. ancient. i cant imagine being double this. do i even want to? i dont know for sure. parents have had big plans for college. going there might just end up bad.. being paid for, college could be used to only fuck around, destroy life. i dont want to do that. i know i dont. but i have temptations. i dont trust myself. dont know how to be permanently clean. so stressed. i know i have big problems but do not tell anyone.

thinking about military or something. just say fuck it and do it. but why? whats the point there? maybe personal learning. but why take that path when the other is so easy..

its funny. its insane. i wish i could show you all how a double life has been. the things pulled off.

i know all of you are older. maybe wiser. what do you think? i want to find out who i am. i dont want to find out it i am only worth the drugs.

i know what some of you might say. if you've read this far. do not say it. i cant just tell everyone. just collapse. i have always done what i had to do. it always gets done. giving me advice like that doesnt even show me an option.

i wish i could actually explain my mind but i feel this is too long already. no one will care to see it.

p.s. i have tried to use vents to release everything i think, feel. i write songs and produce and that always feels good. it makes me feel great really. but other than that i cant release anything, ever..

 

[herbavore]

The isolation of how you are living sounds incredibly hard. No one knows, no one gets let in. You have shown incredible fortitude keeping all the superficial balls in the air (good grades, still able to keep it all secret) while leading this other life hidden from everyone. That's one thing this site is good for...you can let yourself be known because you are anonymous.

You are right that you cannot keep it up forever. We've had a lot of deaths here on BL lately. My own son, another old soul, died before he reached one month of being out of his teens. This is real. What you have expressed is that you want out of the traps you feel you are living in. So the question is how deep do those traps go? People don't abuse drugs in a vacuum. There are always reasons-- from a life that feels boring and dull and empty to actual pain-- that it makes sense to escape. What needs to change? Joining the military is a pretty major commitment and not your only option. You are spot on about going to college in the mental state you are in now though--it sounds like it will just allow you to dig the hole deeper. Maybe you could talk to your parents about some time to get your head together? Maybe go do some volunteer work overseas--something to get you out of your routines and expand your sense of yourself. Maybe stay closer to home and do the same thing for a cause that you care about.

No matter what you do, know that you are not alone in this. People hide everything to do with drug problems because of the stigma. But it goes beyond that--people hide all their problems because we are taught that to be loved we must be "successful" and to be successful we uphold a totally unrealistic image of being completely in control. Showing how out of control we actually are is not only frowned upon, its punishable.8(

I hope that this thread can start a conversation that will be helpful for you.

 

[Nixiam]

Hey pal, I think I can relate.

Currently a sophomore in highschool, I lead a double life as an underground taboo lover that ingests chemicals of interest.

Depression has hit me hard.

What is it you want to fix? To me, it sounds like you need something. Like your missing a vital piece of humanity.

Communication is my best guess. That's what is cool about Bluelight, you can hang here and spew verbage and vent your frustrations, being completely honest with people while preserving some anonymity, at the same time having an identity.

Education is great! Going to college sounds awesome. There are other options of course. I wouldn't recommend military unless you are 100% sure you can handle it.

Get dishonourably discharged for drug use or whatever like my father did, you won't be able to find a decent job no matter what you do.

Let me know how I can help you help yourself! Get your thoughts out, man! TDS is great. Make this thread about you, my man.
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Miss Herbavore, your post was beautiful as always. Great advice and understanding.
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That is the wisdom you want to seek, Tachikonna.

 

[Ziiirp]

Live hard and die young vs. live moderately and die wise.