Mental Health An Intrusive and Dark Thought

[RossLB]

Hey guys,

this is my first post here although i've been a regular visitor for some time now. I was diagnosed with depression over a year ago and was prescribed 100mg sertaline which was taken daily, my depression was caused by mild mdma abuse combined with personal issues. I do not take sertaline this anymore as i felt like it tuned down my emotions to the point of being numb and I have stopped taking mdma for around 3 months now. However, I still suffer from bad mood swings which can be triggered by the smallest of things.

Anyways, the point of this post was that I was sitting with my girlfriend this evening and everything was great as it usually is when I suddenly started to feel depressed and for some reason started to feel annoyed at her. She hadn't done anything wrong and I recognised I was just being an idiot. Later that night we were having sex and I thought to myself "She loves me that much I could literally do anything i wanted and use her". This thought came right out of nowhere and really shocked me as I love this girl to death and would never use her like that. Im sitting here thinking about it over and over and realising I go through periods of real dark thoughts like these. I kind of scared myself a little as it felt like it wasn't me thinking them.

Am i losing my mind here? I often have anxieties that I have the start of bi-polarism but I never experience 'mania', I rather just have very bad mood swings at the moment.

 

[iridescentblack]

I went through a similar 'phase' when I used to have thoughts that popped outta nowhere... thoughts that were geared towards other people... thoughts about hurting them.

You need to come up with some coping mechanisms to help you mitigate these thoughts. Meditation, music, drawing, painting, writing, singing...
What I used to do was focus on how these negative thoughts come into play in my life and I would "wiggle them out". Almost like having a seizure except it was self-induced. The difference for me, was these negative thoughts were a symptom of psychosis.

Naturally these things will pass, but it doesn't hurt to come up with positive coping skills to speed the process.

 

[RossLB]

Thanks for the advice, as for coping mechanisms I am applying to study sonic arts at university so I usually do use music as a means of distracting myself but these thoughts come through even when I am occupied with something else.

I also suffer from compulsive rumination, i seem to have a few thoughts which take up almost all of my energy in throwing around my head from the moment i wake up until before I fall asleep. It's pretty exhausting, especially when I settle the matters in my head to only bring them up again minutes later.

I feel like i've just had enough of constantly reliving things in my head and worrying about the future that I feel I never actually enjoy anything that has happening currently in my life.

 

[Ligaturd]

I get intrusive thoughts during periods of high stress and low self esteem, mood swings and extreme depression. I also have an anxiety problem and tend to ruminate on these things and the thoughts tend to get worse if I can't have an opportunity to just see if what I am thinking is real. I build things up like crazy in a really negative, fatalist manner. It's never of hurting people but actually percieving others intentions as malicious and like they are judging me negatively, in my case just going out and asking and seeing that it isn't true is what helps me during these periods. It is neurosis and irrational, just putting it in perspective where ever you can and acknowledging that they are there and irrational and allowing then to pass without getting too worked up about it will help.

Everyone has disturbing thoughts but they will never admit it. I am guessing that this may persist until you solve your depression and start healing, mental illness and the stresses it puts on people could inspire people to act out and get annoyed and look for reasons to justify feeling that way and acting out. I wish some people in my life would have a small amount of empathy for this because just not bothering to allow me to see what is real or not had me in a constant stressful state, I didn't sleep for a couple months and wanted to kill myself which is a pretty fucking extreme reaction lol. Maybe I have OCD of some sort, both my parents have it and they are fucking miserable, always ruminating on the past and never letting go and I don't want to end up that way. I've been trying so hard to put the past in the past and start moving forward because I ruminate on things that weren't resolved and it drives me insane

 

[Ligaturd]

Oh and also. It's probably really difficult to have to endure but medication and diagnosis is not good the first 6 months to a year after cessation of drug use. It takes awhile for the brain to heal, receptors to upregulate and that is the post acute withdrawal. MDMA and Meth are horrible for this, they don't necessarily have physical withdrawals but the depression and anhedonia are completely debilitating. If the sertraline helps you then there is no problem with that, it's just that the problem may have gone away by itself after the time period I mentioned, typically after this period if the problem still persists then it is necessary to medicate and the depression exists independant of the drug abuse.

 

[Man in the Dark]

Hey guys,

this is my first post here although i've been a regular visitor for some time now. I was diagnosed with depression over a year ago and was prescribed 100mg sertaline which was taken daily, my depression was caused by mild mdma abuse combined with personal issues. I do not take sertaline this anymore as i felt like it tuned down my emotions to the point of being numb and I have stopped taking mdma for around 3 months now. However, I still suffer from bad mood swings which can be triggered by the smallest of things.

Anyways, the point of this post was that I was sitting with my girlfriend this evening and everything was great as it usually is when I suddenly started to feel depressed and for some reason started to feel annoyed at her. She hadn't done anything wrong and I recognised I was just being an idiot. Later that night we were having sex and I thought to myself "She loves me that much I could literally do anything i wanted and use her". This thought came right out of nowhere and really shocked me as I love this girl to death and would never use her like that. Im sitting here thinking about it over and over and realising I go through periods of real dark thoughts like these. I kind of scared myself a little as it felt like it wasn't me thinking them.

Am i losing my mind here? I often have anxieties that I have the start of bi-polarism but I never experience 'mania', I rather just have very bad mood swings at the moment.

Its called intrusive thoughts. its very common for with people that have some kind of depression or mental illness, not necessarily associated with being bi-polar. It also happens to normal people, it depends on how often you have them and the severity of the thoughts. I have intrusive thoughts due to PTSD and OCD to where I can't stop these horrible thoughts from interfering with my everyday life.

Did you suffer from some kind of trauma or were you abused in anyway. Intrusive thoughts Are very common among Vets and I work and participate in various support groups so I have seen many reasons why and how the started some start in people or kids that are young. There are a lot of factors that go in to this and diffrent coping mechanisms.

How long have you had these thoughts and if you don't mind me asking how old are you?

 

[Moreaux]

I agree with several of the above post and will not reiterate what's been mentioned. I will add that I have OCD, and have suffered through disturbing, intrusive, and repeating thoughts. I found over the years that CBT works very well to combat these thoughts. I have trained myself to recognize when the thought is forming, and to focus on on something else and put the intrusive thought out of my head. It's a lot easier said than done, and it takes practice, but you can eventually train yourself to direct your attention elsewhere. I've finally gotten to the point where I recognize them immediately so I no longer even complete the intrusive thought, and just shut it down. I wish you the best of luck - these thoughts are terrible and can ruin your day. Try not to dwell on it.

 

[Cdkman]

You are not your mind..the left side of the brain which is the manipulating ego center runs on its own accord if u do not tend the garden of the mind and take control the best u can..the thought is not the problem its you focusing on the thought,obsessing about a "why" and anxiety follows because u cant answer the question that has no answer

 

[RossLB]

Im 22 years old and I have had mood swings for around 2 years, maybe a little bit longer, however these calm down when I have a long break between taking MDMA. Everytime I start to feel more like myself I end up taking some on a night out. I've been taking the stuff for 4 years now recreationally with one 7 month break about halfway through.

As for dark thoughts, i'd say they started when I felt depressed which was around a year ago but the thoughts were always focused on me, i.e calliong myself worthless and constantly putting myself down. This is the first time I have had a thought about someone else.

I am constantly analysing the past and torture myself over decisions I have made and never really focus on the present.


Thank you all for your advice!

 

[herbavore]

Hi Ross, welcome to Bluelight! Try not to dwell too much on this disturbing thought. If thoughts like these persist, then it would be worth finding a therapist to explore where they may be coming from. Are you seeing a therapist now for your depression, low self esteem or tendency towards obsessive thinking? It might be a good idea. All of our brains work differently and I think creative people sometimes can use aspects that may otherwise be considered negative while creating (I'm thinking that some amount of obsession is a plus in creativity.) The mood swings (suddenly descending into dark moods for no apparent reason) sound like something that you may also want to explore with a therapist. Good luck and good on you for trying to explore these things on your own!

 

[sigmond]

Next time I run into a mental health expert I'll ask if he thinks there is a difference between an 'intrusive thought' and that annoying song you never wanted to hear but now cannot get out of your head. (perhaps there is an answer online-check later)

Anyway, its annoying and can cause agitation but the thoughts are meaningless unless they become desires and actions.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hey man, I know exactly how you feel. The supplement 5HTP might be of use..it's a serotonin precursor