an indulgence

[vurtomatic]

im trying to write something tonight, but the words dont come so im just gonna tell it straight; it's all a mess so bad i cant pin down the turmoil within. and im afraid of pinning it down, its there but im kinda trying to sidestep it... afraid if i pin it down, if i name it, whatever, nothing, void, it, takes form and overwhelms me.

does that make sense?

as these things go... this is about a girl. and we've all heard the stories many times over and we've seen it all in the movies.
but this is my story, and u dont have to read this.

this is about a girl... with the biggest eyes i can float in. the impish smile with the twinkle and one dimple. she had long and the straightest hair... with bands of corvette red through it, which went with my cherry red, goatee, that is, but no more.

this is about a girl... the light in my world, the good in my world; how do i explain it? she made it all worthwhile. sha made me live instead of just breathe. she made my heart sing when i have the worst voice ever.

this is about a girl... i walked the streets with, looking up at apartments; wondering at people's lives.

i cant write this anymore, i dont know why i started... its not helping, its doing shit for me frankly speaking. im here fucked, trying to hold everything back and she's probably sleeping right now. funny how we think our sufferings are all so unique and noone ever understands... that's what's going through my head and i really dunno what im doing, i can feel it all slipping away; what i started with is gone and i am left with nothing... cept the bitterness and im trying so hard not to hate but i do and im trying trying trying to hold it back cos we all know and i know i shouldn't be giving into that.

this is about the girl... my soulmate if u will, though that begs the question... if she's not with me now, does that void the soulmate status? if we're no longer sharing, does that mean we were never meant to be? and now im doing my own head in.

this is about the girl... i spoke with, about buying furniture, about having pets and no, she doesnt like to have children.

this is about the girl... whom i shared music with, and that should be enough to indicate what she meant.

this is about the girl... i remember sitting with, looking out over the city lights, telling me, she's not afraid anymore.

this is about the girl... who told me she doesnt feel for anything, anyone, anymore.

she lost it
and i have not
so where the fuck does that leave me?
right here.

 

[harraser]

Ive been there.
vurtomatic you have a gorgeous way with words and even if writing this "did shit for you" reading it did something for me. In my life those feelings havent gone away yet but theyve gotten easier, and I hope things get easier for you too. goodluck on finding a better place to be.

 

[vurtomatic]

she said it was a mistake to message me, because i brought it up, again. well, what did she expect? she made inane small talk, about her brother's friends who remind her of him... with every word, the beat of my heart pounding thumping pounding its urgency in me, sinking gasp sinking with every thump thump thump and yet not sunk, am i expected to participate in this banality?

it gets harder to breathe with every word, chest feels hollow like it cant hold, it was a mistake messaging you, words so heavy their echoes in my mind is a palpable presence.

u know... its funny how the world looks glittery and sparkly, kinda like the x'mas u see in movies... when u dont wanna cry but the tears are welling up stinging ur eyes and then they break... one stream running down ur eye and the world is the way it was.
and then u talk to ur friend on the fone asking u to come out, this guy u've known for thirteen years... and ur voice quavers but u just take deep breaths and pretend like ur voice's fucked when it's really ur life, and he hangs up, none the wiser.

i wished i can move on, and i wished i can come back here later and have a laugh, and i wished i can show her its her loss, not mine...

but i dont live in the future, the past is of longing and the present, is not much right now.

i hate her but i love her more.

 

[Queen Beat]

 

[plazma]

Its never a fucking comfort when you hit emotional ground zero. Words never do justice to that rawness of emotion. That's what every writer, amateur, professional, casual bums like me, tries to capture. It never works, ever.
So right now man, I'm going to put on a deep house track I'm sure you'd understand.
John Creamer & Stephane K - I Wish You Were Here (16b Remix)
And I'm going to think how much you can never be sure what life's going to throw at you, and I'm going to think about how it feels when you give one person everything, and they throw it back in your face. But mostly, I'm going to think you have a lot of courage, and I think you're a person who's going to pull through, no matter what. Thinking about deserving and whatever never works, doesn't matter because its happened regardless of deserving.
*hugs*
-plaz out-

 

[E-girl]

this is about a girl... the light in my world, the good in my world; how do i explain it? she made it all worthwhile.

...how lucky she is to have someone think of her like that.

 

[yoUr bLiSS]

sha made me live instead of just breathe.

(typo included..hehe..)
this line is absolutely amazing!!!!!!!

 

[vurtomatic]

i ask myself, who's the one who's changed... is it me, or is it u? have i changed because u did so? yes... that must be it, that must be why, i dont feel anything like home in me, just this cavity where u used to be.

perhaps it is some plan of yours? if so, yes, u've succeeded, i cant imagine ever having loved u. oh yes, succeeded indeed, i cant imagine having shared myself with u. a life? no, that cant be right... a future? really? have we ever contemplated that? did we ever sit under the stars, overlook the city lights and pour our hearts out? surly this wasnt real, surly... surly it must have meant something if it was, indeed, real. were we lovers, or just dreamers? was that a dream and is this a wake now?

have i felt the touch of your lips, have i stroked your face and brushed aside stray hair as u sleep? i recall that vaguely... i recall all that, and looking at your closed eyes, your nose flaring as u breathed.

no... this cant be right... i remember making love to someone with hunger in her eyes, i remember looking into her eyes as we fitted so perfectly snug together, oblivious to time, light moving across the floor, striping our bodies and then we slept, and we woke and loved more; looped... was that u? surly u jest, surly... it had to be someone else... no, not u.

i remember feeling... something so big; so great and grander than me, than the physical, my chest cant hold it in and i cant breathe... and i remember telling someone im trying to, but im sorry, i am so sorry, because i cannot tell u how it feels, i cannot explain this beauty and all i have were these three words:

i love you

and they are not enough, they could not begin to connote... how could they, when my heart cant even contain what i felt?
i remember feeling like that once... and it seems, it was just a prelude to this afterall. it seems that is the lesson... to change and not be the fool no more... dont feel, dont love, dont share. it is quite amazing how much power to hurt a person has, when he or she is loved; that i know now. and it seems its true too, an advice given in a time past... always hold a bit of yourself back.
never is too long and no...

every single time
we touch
u leave
me
dead.

 

[Queen Beat]

Vurtomatic - I couldn't find the words last time. Unfortunately....I still can't.
So....

 

[vurtomatic]

...and thus, the days go by into months, transitions unfelt, unnoticed. i slip between time, apart from the flow unfelt, yet not stopping once. like a spectator i watch this life from afar, even as my hand flushes it. how strange, a familiar stranger. are you lost? im afraid i dont know my way around the heartland, im as lost as i am... in fact i've thrown away the map. the fog rolls in, cloying, sweet, comforting... and i forget... in the solidity of the fog i exist like the dream i am... i forget...