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Am I wrong to feel like my husband is cheating on me when he watches porn?

sssteph

sssteph

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 10, 2013
Messages
1
So, here's the deal. I recently found my husband has been watching porn. A LOT of porn, actually. If he would not have hidden it, I wouldn't be so upset. I feel like he cheated on me cause he tried to keep it secret. If he would have just let me in on it, I probably would have watched it with him. Am I crazy for feeling like this??? Or, do I need to pop another valium?
 
To be frank, yes, you are acting crazy. Porn has nothing to do with you. He watched porn before he ever knew you existed, and he will NOT stop watching porn. If you force him to 'stop', what you are really doing is forcing him to lie to you. It is definitely not cheating. When you watch romantic movies without him are you cheating on him?

Maybe he kept it from you because he knew you would act like this. Maybe he was just doing it to spare you from feeling like this. My girlfriend was the same way. I love my girlfriend, I've always been satisfied with our sex life (bj's have been kinda scarce lately though) , but sometimes you just want to watch some porn and go to town on yourself. It doesnt mean I love her any less or want to fuck other girls. It just means I want to jack off. Nothing more, nothing less.
 
sssteph said:
So, here's the deal. I recently found my husband has been watching porn. A LOT of porn, actually. If he would not have hidden it, I wouldn't be so upset. I feel like he cheated on me cause he tried to keep it secret. If he would have just let me in on it, I probably would have watched it with him. Am I crazy for feeling like this??? Or, do I need to pop another valium?
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why are you looking for validation of your feelings? the fact is this clearly bothers you so you need to own it.

is the problem that he's watching porn or that he's trying to keep it a secret from you? you need to talk to him about it. you need to look inwards and ask yourself why this bothers you and how much of a problem it is.

alasdair
 
No, you shouldn't just pop a Valium.
But seriously, he probably thought you'd react badly, that's why he didn't tell you. Why don't you be open about it now and maybe watch porn together? Start fresh!
 
IF he's keeping you sexually satisfied, ie the porn is not taking away from your sex life, then be cool with whatever he wants to watch and don't make him feel bad about it.

The alternative is his being with other women for real. Which would you prefer?

Some guys are fine being with one woman, but most of us need variety. It's in our programming. It's a very strong urge and not easy to control. Porn effectively provides that variety, in a way that preserves your monogamy.
 
Well, from a different perspective...I read porn quite frequently to give me something to think about when I masturbate. I don't tell my husband about it because it hasn't come up. I don't want him to participate with me...it's something I do for myself. It is not a secret so much.., I just choose to keep it private. I would certainly tell him if he asked.

In my opinion, it adds to our sex life because it keeps me in the mood. It really has nothing to do with him. If he was pissed about it, I would want to know why, and then I would consider whether or not to continue based upon how strongly he felt. Honestly, he would probably think it was hot, but really don't want to go there...

Have you thought about why you feel so strongly about it?
 
maybe he doesn't want to watch it with it.

You said that you feel like it's wrong because he's keeping secrets from you.
Please!

Everyone is entitled to their own personal life, even if they are in a relationship.
It isn't something that is outright causing harm to you or your relationship.

I say, let this one go.
 
I don't know about other men, but along a similar line, fantasizing about being with a different partner while engaging in sex with my past mates, didn't seem wrong to me as long as it was fantasy and I didn't use the wrong name while doing the deed. But it wasn't something I would have brought up in conversation. Although if they would have asked about it I might reveal the truth knowing the question might be something they were dealing with and an wanted to bring it to my attention. It shouldn't be a major problem to resolve just deal with it as adults. Good luck.
 
he didn't cheat- i look at porn and its nobody elses business

i'm in a relationship and if some wanted to know when i wanked and what to they might as well come into the toilet and watch me poo or note its colour and write it on a chart. give me some space please...

the problem is only there if porn has taken over what once was a healthy sex life. then i can understand the resentment.

Valium is not the answer. benzo's are not a long term solution to anything and cause way more problems than they temporarily alleviate
 
sssteph said:
If he would not have hidden it, I wouldn't be so upset. I feel like he cheated on me cause he tried to keep it secret.
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...hon, he hid it from you because no matter what way you slice it, he probably knew that no matter how it was presented, he was going to receive some type of negative reaction from you - so he obviously just decided to head it off at the pass, and try to eliminate any issue before it started.

For you to say that him watching porn makes YOU feel like he cheated on you (when he actually didn't, and even if he attempted to stick his wiener in the disk drive of the computer or the VHS tape slot, at least he's not sticking it in somebody else's slot...), indicates that the only issue at hand here...is you.

You say that if he just would have told you, you'd have watched it with him.
Sure, maybe you would have 'just watched it with him,' but then you'd have started questioning his motives, like "do you think she's hotter than me? are you watching this porn because I'm not satisfying you enough? why do we need porn, don't *I* turn you on enough as it is? Are you cheating on me?!?!??!"

Men are sexual, visual creatures. Women are too, but men much more so.
There is nothing wrong with masturbation. There's nothing wrong with watching a little porn while masturbating.
There's also nothing wrong with wanting a little "me time" and having a good ol' fap/porn sesh with yourself.
It does NOT indicate that he doesn't find you attractive, or that you're not satisfying him, or that he's cheating on you, or anything else for that matter. Hell, for me, the more sex I have, the more I find myself masturbating (and masturbating always ensues some serious porn watching, yum yum) because I keep thinking about all the hot sex I've been having and it makes me frisky:)
Look at it like men do, on the simple surface: I like to masturbate. I like porn. I'm gonna watch a porn and masturbate. END. OF. STORY.
 
Why don't you turn on some porn with him in bed and have some fun. I suspect he was horny and bored.
 
most guys keep the porn use out of public view just out of respect and for privacy. its normal.

however if you have asked him point blank if he watches porn before and he lied, thats another thing.

everyones opinion is different, and as a guy i cant really see from a girls point of view, but i would say try and relax. if you dont like it, tell him that, and work something out
 
He probably wanted to shield your delicate eyes from gaping assholes, cumfarts and gagging blowjobs.
 
I don't think your feelings could ever be "wrong". If you really feel "cheated" because he hid it from you--you should confront him about it. Get everything out in the open so there can be an open discussion about it. Tell him what he did and how that made you feel.
 
LuGoJ said:
He probably wanted to shield your delicate eyes from gaping assholes, cumfarts and gagging blowjobs.
Click to expand...

LOL! Yeah, you know, those sorts of things.... and shemales, trannys, squirting, urination, face-sitting, interracial gang bangs, creampie gang bangs, bukkakes, cuckolds, granny porn, pregnant porn, BBW, gloryholes, clitoral inflation/clit pumps...

... and that's not even the weird stuff that some of us guys like to look at from time to time! ;)
 
It sounds like you guys need to sit down and have a conversation regarding your comfort zone with porn. Honestly, I personally believe it's unreasonable for a woman to feel as if she has been cheated on because her partner watches porn but I recognize the fact that not every person feels this way and each situation subsequently varies as a result.

I believe porn isn't an issue unless it starts to affect a couple's sex life. If he starts choosing porn over you then you might have some issues. With that being said, you need to realize that most men watch porn because they're extremely visual and simply enjoy watching the stuff. Chances are your husband isn't watching porn to obsess over a particular female... He's watching it to visualize a sex act so he can get off whenever you're not around or he doesn't have enough time or energy for sex.

One thing to consider: Put yourself in his shoes. You get horny, yes? Do you always feel like having sex when you're horny or do you sometimes just wanna masturbate and get it over with in a few minutes so you can get on with your day? I know most people do this on occasion and it doesn't necessarily mean anything bad is going on.

Also, do you masturbate whenever he isn't around? If so, what do you picture when you're doing it? Chances are you've imagined other men than your husband and if that's the case, do you think of that as cheating? Probably not... And that's because it isn't [cheating]. Masturbation and visual stimulation just aren't the same thing as cheating when you get down to the bare bones of it all (no pun intended).

So yeah, I think you're overreacting BUT if you truly have a serious issue with pornography you need to convey this to him and work out some sort of compromise between the two of you. Perhaps tell him he can watch porn but you would prefer if you're included in on it; things like that. You might also want to look into why something as innocuous as porn makes you feel so insecure. Are you an insecure person in general and if so, have you considered seeing someone or doing any kind of exercises to help work on this?

Good luck!
 
OP Id dump your ass if i were him. It aint cheating, its just for alot of people always the same person ,same positions get boring as fuck. its normal to seek out something else, and in this case he isnt cheating on you. Shit he mite want to try some of the things he saw in porn with you lol
 
Of course its a valid feeling for you, and its very neurotic. If you felt as strongly as my gf in myself watching porn I sure as hell wouldnt put up with the bullshit "Oh, but you were hiding it from me!"


This issue here is less to do with porn but perhaps with "Sex" and its mix-up with his "Deceit", or his "Secrete." At a base level I would surmise that he may have hid it intentionally precisely because you may have indicated that you were unreasonable with it. It could also be that he wasnt hiding it but rather just didnt tell you about it.


How did you find out he was watching porn and to realize he was hiding it? I would like for you to tell us and be a honest as you can about it.
 
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