RCs Am I stimulant broken? Uncontrollable paranoia...

[cwhiley]

I'm an experienced drug user. Started an IV d-meth habit 4 years ago. NO longer use that (no supply and I refuse to synth) but still experiment with RC's from time to time. Years ago, I recall one experience with speed when I had a full-on hallucination of an unreal order. Felt, saw, heard and experienced horrible things in the woods near a river one time. It was awful and lasted probably 6 hours. Ever since then, I haven't been the same. If I "get right" with stims I get locked up mentally. Small amounts don't do it, but if I get enough to feel real good, I am completely overwhelmed with paranoid thinking. I never do drugs socially anymore. I just stay in the house and inevitably EVERYTIME I will end up staring out a window, usually standing for 6-8 hours on end. I'm not window peeping, I'm just staring, waiting for some shit to go down. I've been in a lot of trouble so I have 14+ years of bad memories to cycle thorough and always manage to concoct a scenario in my mind that I'm going to have my door kicked in and shit will go down. Like, I stand there and think with every possible sound my ears can make out (I usually even breathe quiet and tiptoe everywhere) I am thinking, here it goes, it's happening now. Every moment that passes is the moment when the shit will hit the fan, in my mind, if you know what I mean. I cannot unlock myself from this until 6-8 hours when the drug is fading....then I'll usually re-dose if I still have supply until it's gone. I have a history of depression, generalized anxiety, personality disorder - not on any meds as I manage with SAM-E and good vitamins and staying active.

Anyone else had this happen. I feel like my mind is permanently intolerant of stims. It's as if my CNS is a crispy critter and there's no repairing it. I've had long periods of sobriety and the first use is the same as the last. Not fun but I'm still always allured by the stims, even if I play the whole tape out as to how it will be even at the end and crash.

Anyone agree that it's probably the end of the road for my stim use? I think it is. It's not fun and the mental shit is just gotten to be too much. Of course, I;ve always been afraid that if I went a little too far, that I might just stay that way - permanently super paranoid and unreasonable.

 

[DistyBoi]

Sounds to me like typical stimulant anxiety/psychosis. Some people seem to never get it, some people get it straight away, some people seem to start developing it if they use too much. I know a lot of people that get instant psychosis and see things out of windows when they use stimulants now (primarily severe mephedrone abuse, extrememely similar to meth in many respects)

You have a choice now between keeping using stims or not, if they do this then just dont use them! As for if there is actually is permamant damage its impossible to say without knowing your use, your dosages used, the amount of time used, your lifestyle health-wise while using, the purity of what you used, your previous mental state, your previous physical health, and a host of other things.

Best bet see a doctor if you are really worried. Just stop using.

 

[dcraver877]

niacinamide in high doses (2,000mg +) has been used to treat paranoid thoughts, anxiety, and schizophrenia in orthomolecular medicine. I suggest you try it out. Although, the smart thing to do, would to not do speed anymore.

 

[SecretDoperMan]

Overuse of this drug has been shown to cause paranoid TEMPORARY states. As the one poster mentioned, stop using the drug if it is causing this.

Unless for some reason you enjoy feeling like you are losing your mind? Get you ass to a doctor pronto son... There is help. Remember, unless you have murdered someone the doctor is required to keep an oath of silence and confidentiality. If he tweets he can get in DEEP SHIT.

When calling to make the appointment, say you need a checkup or a physical.

 

[cwhiley]

I've got no insurance, no money, so a doctor's sort of our of the question. Of course the solution is to not use.

I had a therapist tell me this past year, that it's called "psychotic features".

Just sucks there's nothing I can do to enjoy stims anymore. Sounds really freak me out - actually considered using earplugs the next time I end up using.

 

[Kenny7822]

The best advice would be not to use anymore but you could try taking a benzo or opiate with the speed and that might help.

 

[THC2LSD]

Meth will do that to you. It would be best to quit, but you probably won't do that. Maybe you could switch to snorting/oral and lower your dose. Also get plenty of sleep, sleep depravation really exacerbate the paranoia. Benzos will chill you out, but don't use them for too long, they're very addictive. You could also take an anti-psychotic meds like seroquel or risperdal.

Continuning to use like this will only make things worse, it doesn't get better. If you do quit the brain will repair any damage done. Neurotoxicity of meth ain't as bad as some make it to be.
If you can't afford a doctor, you state/country might have a medicaid program or equivalent program you could get on. You should really get treatment for your mental health issues, which might be the cause of your addiction, or your addiction may be the cause of your mental health problems.

 

[cwhiley]

These are good suggestions. Yes, I'm well aware of some of the effects of the use. I'm also aware that something is different in my head. Towards the beginning of my use (which at it's longest was only approximately 9 months daily use) I was able to enjoy it. Not anymore.

I believe that eventually my brain will repair itself but it seems to take years. I've had nearly 11 months of continuous sobriety, used once, and that use sent me off on a major anxiety/panic attack just as if I was using everyday. I actually think that using everyday lessens the effect - probably due to tolerance. What may be happening is my tolerance is gone (because I use rarely now, once every month or less for a day or two at most) and I use too much, blast myself so to speak, and feel as if the damage is what is the problem is but I'm actually just overdoing it.

And yes, the benzos do help but are very hard for me to get a hold of. Also, I typically abuse them too so while it sometimes will put me down after a run, it will also sometimes put me into a hypnotic state where I steal and do things I'm completely unaware of - blackouts.

I've had years and years of treatment - both mental health and substance abuse. I am diagnosed with a co-occuring disorder, as I have substance abuse (Addiction) and mental health issues. Fairly common for these to coincide. I've had little to no success in treating my depression and generalized anxiety with pharms. No one will trust me with benzo's and I've tried variation after variation of anti-depressants with little to no help. I've had the best luck with SAM-E and getting up early and staying active all day. Also taking some real good whole food vitamins regularly. As far as medicaid or other assistance, I've already tried, been denied, and really the only avenue left is a sort-of free community clinic (United Way funded or something).

As an off-topic aside it's pretty sad that in "the greatest nation in the world" (a statement made mostly by people who have never even been in another country) we don't have any sort of govt. sponsored health or dental care for it's citizens that aren't disabled and aren't covered by any other healthcare - in my case I have a job but there's no health care available.

 

[Material541]

These are good suggestions. Yes, I'm well aware of some of the effects of the use. I'm also aware that something is different in my head. Towards the beginning of my use (which at it's longest was only approximately 9 months daily use) I was able to enjoy it. Not anymore.

I believe that eventually my brain will repair itself but it seems to take years. I've had nearly 11 months of continuous sobriety, used once, and that use sent me off on a major anxiety/panic attack just as if I was using everyday. I actually think that using everyday lessens the effect - probably due to tolerance. What may be happening is my tolerance is gone (because I use rarely now, once every month or less for a day or two at most) and I use too much, blast myself so to speak, and feel as if the damage is what is the problem is but I'm actually just overdoing it.

And yes, the benzos do help but are very hard for me to get a hold of. Also, I typically abuse them too so while it sometimes will put me down after a run, it will also sometimes put me into a hypnotic state where I steal and do things I'm completely unaware of - blackouts.

I've had years and years of treatment - both mental health and substance abuse. I am diagnosed with a co-occuring disorder, as I have substance abuse (Addiction) and mental health issues. Fairly common for these to coincide. I've had little to no success in treating my depression and generalized anxiety with pharms. No one will trust me with benzo's and I've tried variation after variation of anti-depressants with little to no help. I've had the best luck with SAM-E and getting up early and staying active all day. Also taking some real good whole food vitamins regularly. As far as medicaid or other assistance, I've already tried, been denied, and really the only avenue left is a sort-of free community clinic (United Way funded or something).

As an off-topic aside it's pretty sad that in "the greatest nation in the world" (a statement made mostly by people who have never even been in another country) we don't have any sort of govt. sponsored health or dental care for it's citizens that aren't disabled and aren't covered by any other healthcare - in my case I have a job but there's no health care available.

Yeah, the best idea would be to just stop taking stimulants. If you really want to progress toward getting your mind right, every time you have a panic attack or severe anxiety on stims it sets you back so much. I know it sucks -- you really just want to enjoy them again, but you can't. At least not anytime soon, anyway. I went through the exact same thing with weed. I would keep smoking even though it gave me uncontrollable anxiety. It wasn't until I decided to stop until I got better. But that is much easier said than done.

 

[cwhiley]

Someone said in one of the Dark Side threads about stim addiction (just discovered the Dark Side today and thank you thank you BL), and one person talked about how you know the deal you are making when you start, that you get to feel much worse for much longer than you get to feel good and then when you use and come down and start to feel half ass again the deal seems not so bad again. What a trick that is. I've gotten to the point where I roll my eyes at myself (my own inner other "bad" self that talks me into this shit) when my mind tries to talk itself into something and I end up agreeing with myself even though I know what I've just done in my own head - this sort-of self trickery I ALLOW myself to do to myself. (this must be part of the cunning baffling part)

I'm going to relapse tomorrow. Again. It's OK. I thought about it as I walked back to my vehicle after school today. I thought about how this has to be it for a while. I am on the cusp of either succeeding or falling back into old traps. I'm scared of losing what I've gained enough that I will not go back to daily use. I just always have to watch these little mental vacations I seem to always keep seeking.

I'm glad I discovered the Dark Side today because now I can read BL w/o reading the negative stuff. BL has been a major source of triggering and relapse for me, especially now that I've dived into the vast and dazzling and sparkling array of research chemicals I can't pronounce that no one really knows about. I IV every one of them, even the weird ones I have no idea what they are from local stores. It's ridiculous. Although, I'd say that the research chemicals have in some way (AT SOME TIMES, NOT ALL) served as a harm reduction method. An obvious exception was MDPV as it ended up putting me in a psych ward for 3 or 4 days this past February. Can you believe after all that (including major incarceration over 2 years ago now) I have a job that most people can't get. I'm afraid to say what it is b/c I don't want to be identified, but suffice to say it is awesome. Every time I freak out on myself about screwing up by using, I can usually feel OK, by focusing on where I am now. The past really haunts me, as many of you probably understand. My children are another source of hope. My relationship problems are a source of stress and negativity. Right now though, I'd say I have more positive stuff than negative.

I'm getting off topic but yea, something will be here tomorrow. I'll make it, I've already relapsed in my mind and once that happens physical relapse is almost always inevitable. I've deleted all my bookmarks to various things I needn't look at anymore. Now I have BL Dark Side.

Perhaps tomorrow I can just open the damn doors (shit its too cold), blast loud music, turn the TV on, unlock the doors at the very least and just confront that shit head on with an attitude of belligerence. Anyone think that will help me get through this next one with perhaps a little less pain? I'm open to any ideas.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It sounds like it's better that you don't use methamphetamine anymore. Can you enjoy other recreational drugs? Cannabis is very promising, the correct strain shouldn't produce any paranoia. Some people are rather prone to paranoia, especially from smoking cannabis, so don't rush into using new drugs but do your research and tread through new waters carefully.

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

what RCs are you using?
it sounds like you're just doing MDPV...that shit is fucking crazy, 2 years of using high doses of pharm speed 1-4 times a week and PV the few times i used it had me more paranoid 15 minutes after snorting it than i am at the end of a 5 day amphetamine binge, more paranoid than i was when i did 3 days on methamphetamine (only time i dun had dat meff....)
certain stim RCs are too batshit insane for anyone to be doing much IMO.

 

[pbuilder]

lol never really understood the whole peering out the window thing thinking that some DEA agent gives enough of a sh*t to be trying to bust you for being a recreational user...

Trust me bro, they have a lot bigger things to worry about...

Maybe I'm lucky, but I have never felt that kind of paranoia from coke. I do get anxiety attacks sometimes at the end of my coke night because I'm just thinking wow did coke again... i fucking suck... and obviously the dopamine depletion makes these anxiety feeling stay around until I either do another line, or try really hard to chill the f*ck out, or until I fall asleep.

But thinking their is a monster in the bushes out to get yea...
man the day that happens is the day I'm never touching a stim again lol.

 

[cwhiley]

I am aware that MDPV is extremely bad in this respect. You are right you can duplicate a 5-day meth binge after 30 mins on too high of a dose of MDPV. It's too difficult to dose to begin with, and dosing responsibly is near impossible as well. Every time I did it I overdosed and every time had a panic attack. It was ridiculous. The first time I got a hold of it I didn't know what it was, it was the tan, and I IV'd an entire 150mg capsule. It was the most intense rush of my entire life and brought me literally to my kness but the madness than ensued was beyond description.

I've tried MDPV, Meph, Methylone, 4-FA, and soon a-ppp. Like I said, don't do meth anymore (don't know dealers anymore and don't hang out with those people and refuse to synth even though I know it all) although I think I would have done less damage with it than some of these RC's particularly MDPV.

Yea the window and "imminent raid" shit is completely irrational. I'm a rational person. I know this to be true. But no matter what, when I get like that, there's not enough reasoning power in the world to escape that fear - and when I mean fear I mean sometimes I get so scared I shake uncontrollably for a couple hours in fear of whomever/whatever I just heard or whatever is "about to happen"

 

[cwhiley]

Oh yea - forgot, I tried Methiopropamine, Methoxetamine (yes I know, not a stim, disassociateive - WILD in IV form), and MDAI also.