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Heroin Am I lyin?

JohnnyGrease

JohnnyGrease

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 3, 2012
Messages
10
Ive just gone through the worst of the physical withdrawals of tapering off of heroin/opiates and Im pissed I had to do it.
I didn't want to detox. I was perfectly happy how I was goin for several months now and then everyone all of a sudden vanished. And I cant score.
Ive gone through detox and abuse before. Been sober for periods of time and for the last year I have maintained a steady level of usage that has been so very comfortable and enjoyable.
I find myself taking risks to score that I never had to in the past. Ive searched online; Ive asked people I would have never let know I used; Ive gone into areas I dont belong in, all in the search of H. Im, for the most part; sober right now. Its nearly all out of my system and the physical pain is gone and if I could get it right now Id go.
When I got sober several years ago I wanted it badly. I wouldve done anything to get rid of the type of drug addiction I had, and I did. I stayed sober for a few years and started taking pills again and within a month I was back to the needle and it got kinda bad again and I quit for about 6 mos and then made the conscious decision to go back out and I went right to the needle and I went back with a different attitude and its been near a year now.
Anyone else recognize this cycle? Any insights?
I want to use. I dont know if Im kidding myself; it doesnt feel like it. If so then its quite the long-con, yeah?
 
I want to use heroin all the time, but I choose not to because I recognize that wanting to do something does not mean I have to do it. I decided that the rewards are not worth the risks and adverse consequences. If you work on your mental addiction and the reasons you use, make changes in your life, and learn how to deal with cravings without automatically running out to score, it gets much easier over time. It's also very common to be in denial about how your drug use is adversely affecting your life. We all want to use, at least for a period of time, it's not like addiction is the compulsion to use when we truly hate it and don't want to do it, we really want the feeling the drug gives us. But in the long run it hurts us. Maybe you can eventually convince yourself that your rational mind does not in fact want to use and it is just your emotions, cravings and addicted brain that wants to do it. The Dark Side forum is a great place to get support and help with addictions, but please make sure to read their guidelines before posting there.
 
I agree with Swimmingdancer, it's important to recognize that wanting to do something doesn't mean you have to do it - always getting what you want is for babies. I'm not sure what your question is though. Are you an addict? Yes. Are you ready to quit? That's up to you, but from reading this I would say not in the slightest.

I'm a recovering opioid addict, and for a while after quitting I continued to chip very occasionally (like once a month or less). However, I realized it was not worth all the hassle and risk, so I quit the opioids other than sub, started smoking a little bud, and have been doing great since. I was at the point where I hated the effect that dope was giving me though. Only you know when you're ready to stop, and that's obviously not now.

~CTdopeLove
 
I agree largely with what youre saying SwimmingDancer. I know that I have an aggressive desire; obsession to use and when I do use I reopen the physical need for more. It is addiction, Im not confused about that and I am not afraid nor ashamed of that word. I will only disagree with you regarding the "it gets easier" portion of your comment regarding staying clean for longer periods of time. I had nearly 3 years completely clean and though there were some definite good times and great insights gleaned through it all I would have to say that life has been much better this past year of usage than through any of my past years using or being clean.
I dont exactly qualify as a chipper I dont think as Im slamming 2 hits/day...thats it though. Im no longer chasing that ridiculous rush. What I appreciate now is the way everything feels, looks, sounds for the several hours after each hit. My motivation is up, Im writing again. Im playing music again. Im not nodding out or locked up in my room like before.
Self-medicating...I know, I know. We'll see. I am happy to be a test case here at the very least and who knows, perhaps I'll be the old man with a steady 25 year habit and still looking amazing!
Let the ridicule commence...
 
What I said was "If you work on your mental addiction and the reasons you use, make changes in your life, and learn how to deal with cravings without automatically running out to score, it gets much easier over time." Have you been doing all those things? Also if you were able to go from not being able to go one day without using to going 3 years without using, that means it was getting easier. As does the fact that you are now using just enough to feel well and not chasing the high. Just because you went back to using doesn't mean you made no progress. Relapse is a normal part of recovery. It's true that for some people it is possible for them to use every day without it destroying their life, it's just very unusual for it to have no adverse impact on you in the long run. There are much healthier and longer-lasting ways to cope with your mental health issues, they just take more effort and time. But the pay-off is great, and it's very freeing because there are a lot of things you can't do when you are physically dependent on heroin, as well as a lot of risks (financial, legal, health, etc).

I can empathize with feeling like life is better when you are using than when you are clean. But it doesn't have to be that way. However, the main reason I quit was because I didn't want to be chained to heroin. I didn't want to have to worry about not being able to function if the heroin supply dried up, if I had to/wanted to travel, if I got arrested, if I ran out of money, etc. I hated having my life revolve around getting and using heroin and not being able to do anything without it. It was also preventing me from working on the reasons I used it, like depression, anxiety, ADHD and pain, as it would mask the symptoms (at least for a while - it eventually became less and less effective), and was costing me a lot of money.
 
JohnnyGrease said:
Ive just gone through the worst of the physical withdrawals of tapering off of heroin/opiates and Im pissed I had to do it.
I didn't want to detox. I was perfectly happy how I was goin for several months now and then everyone all of a sudden vanished. And I cant score.
Ive gone through detox and abuse before. Been sober for periods of time and for the last year I have maintained a steady level of usage that has been so very comfortable and enjoyable.
I find myself taking risks to score that I never had to in the past. Ive searched online; Ive asked people I would have never let know I used; Ive gone into areas I dont belong in, all in the search of H. Im, for the most part; sober right now. Its nearly all out of my system and the physical pain is gone and if I could get it right now Id go.
When I got sober several years ago I wanted it badly. I wouldve done anything to get rid of the type of drug addiction I had, and I did. I stayed sober for a few years and started taking pills again and within a month I was back to the needle and it got kinda bad again and I quit for about 6 mos and then made the conscious decision to go back out and I went right to the needle and I went back with a different attitude and its been near a year now.

I too go through the same cycle, although my length of use is about 4 or 5 days at a time. Its like I have to relapse in order to remind myself why I shouldn't do it, ie..the getting sick, money, self-destruction, etc. It's a roller coaster for me as well. I can certainly relate to your situation.

Anyone else recognize this cycle? Any insights?
I want to use. I dont know if Im kidding myself; it doesnt feel like it. If so then its quite the long-con, yeah?
Click to expand...

I too go through the same cycle, although my length of use is about 4 or 5 days at a time. Its like I have to relapse in order to remind myself why I shouldn't do it, ie..the getting sick, money, self-destruction, etc. It's a roller coaster for me as well. I can certainly relate to your situation.
 
Goddamnit Dancer...youre so fucking right. I know what youre saying is true; Ive already lived a portion of that truth when I first got sober. That part about working on the cause of my addiction instead of covering it with dope. I know I feel great now and I know I will continue to feel great...as long as the supply doesnt run out.
The Rub.
Fuck though, all I think about is watching that first bit o blood rush into the cartridge at a successful plunge and knowing that in about 15 seconds everything, absolutely everything is going to be great. And this time Im enjoying so many more layers of the effects. But Goddamnit! one fucking day without it and fuck me... It really is no way to live.
The worst part: Im absolutely sober right now, I know everything that you said and everything I just said is the truth... I still want it.
Im fucked, yeah?
 
You're not fucked man, there is always support from those who understand what you're going through.

Have you been on maintenance drugs before, like buprenorphine or methadone?

It's a vicious cycle, until you break free.
 
Yeah I did methadone successfully years ago.
The thing is though, the junks out o my system; Im fine physically. Its the mental shit thats got me right now.
Its pretty fucked up knowing that even though I just kicked and am clean, that I would go score right now if the call came in.
 
How successful was it if you're here shooting dope again though? ;)

The mental shit is stuff that, in my opinion, support from others can really help you with.

I haven't shot up in more than two and a half years, it takes a lot of willpower but you can do amazing things if you set your mind to it. Willpower man!
 
I've always wanted to prove the old STUPID saying "Once a heroin addict always a heroin addict."

But even in long periods of sobriety, still i'm not so sure it is possible to prove that proverb wrong...
 
I think its great you been clean for over 2 years tricomb; its a great feeling. Again, I had nearly 3 years clean before I went back.
You ask me how successful the methadone treatment was if I went back to shooting well Id have to say that it was 100% successful in that it did its job and helped me to kick a very heavy heroin addiction. I mean I went out 3 years later to no fault of the methadone.
But its the will power thing thats tough this time. Last time it wasnt just the methadone that got me clean, it took a lot of will power to get through that. Anyone whos gone through a 30 day tapering on methadone knows its no picnic and those final days of the methadone and directly after are positively brutal, but I wanted to kick so bad I got through it and on for another 3 years... Im missing that this time.
Im not at rock bottom, Im not using out of my means, Im not fucking up at work, no relationships are suffering and Im happy with me. Its miserable!!
I know its no way to live because when the supply runs out, Im completely fucked.
This whole thing is really fucking me.
 
Yeah no I'm not trying to say "I'm almost three years in and I can say with 100% certainty that I'll never shoot up anything ever again, according to my crystal ball" :P

However, my addiction was never really to heroin, it was to the needle itself, using pharmaceutical opioids mostly like morphine, oxymorphone, hydromorphone, fentanyl, etc. I quit most Schedule 1 drugs around the same time as quitting IV drug use.

So yeah for me the struggle isn't really fighting heroin, it's fighting the needle. I currently have no desire to ever pickup a needle and I can't see that changing, but I can't explain to you guys why, it's a mindset thing.
 
JohnnyGrease said:
Goddamnit Dancer...youre so fucking right. I know what youre saying is true; Ive already lived a portion of that truth when I first got sober. That part about working on the cause of my addiction instead of covering it with dope. I know I feel great now and I know I will continue to feel great...as long as the supply doesnt run out.
The Rub.
Fuck though, all I think about is watching that first bit o blood rush into the cartridge at a successful plunge and knowing that in about 15 seconds everything, absolutely everything is going to be great. And this time Im enjoying so many more layers of the effects. But Goddamnit! one fucking day without it and fuck me... It really is no way to live.
The worst part: Im absolutely sober right now, I know everything that you said and everything I just said is the truth... I still want it.
Im fucked, yeah?
Click to expand...

No, you're not fucked, there's always hope :) Addiction isn't a problem of not knowing any better, it's a problem of doing it anyway. I completely understand how you feel right now and it's totally normal to have a strong desire to use, even a romantic attachment to it. But you can make the decision that just because you want to doesn't mean you have to. That is the only power we really have. You can start doing things to work on your mental addiction and the reasons you use. You can make it harder for yourself to get heroin, so that when you have a weak moment and are craving really badly you will not be able to get it easily and the craving will pass. I threw out my drug paraphernalia, deleted my dealer's numbers, got a new phone number and even moved to a new city. I tried to fill my life with other things I enjoyed. I still want heroin, it's like a lover that I loved so intensely but I decided to leave because it was an unhealthy relationship. But it is empowering to choose not to go back there and the desire gets weaker every day. Sometimes I still have bad days, where the craving is very intense, but I have learned new ways to cope with that feeling without acting on it. When you are ready to start taking steps to change your life, there are plenty of ways to get help and things you can do.
 
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