Am I F'd UP? (if so, can I change?)

[factvsfiction]

Ok, the title is a bit dramatic, but sometimes that's how I feel. I'm on the verge of a breakup with a wonderful person (best friend and partner I've ever had, and maybe will have), and when I ask myself what the main reason is, I feel so shallow and f'd up - it's her looks. It's not that I expect her to be perfect or a 10, honestly. it's that when I actually look at her face, and forgive me for how rude this sounds, I find her very unattractive and I dont feel physical desire. She even has a great body, but I don't feel attraction to her. I feel like a horrible person and guilty as hell for having these feelings. And for breaking her heart if we split which is where we are now headed (of course I do not say this is the reason).

Now the complicated part, is that I used to not care, but two things have happened simultaneously over time, we didn't have a strong sexual chemistry from the start, and (and forgive me again, but I'm trying to get the truth out) - she hasn't aged well. So together, I just dont feel physical desire unless we a bit tipsy or stoned, and sometimes we can connect sexually, but that seems really messed up if that's how it is.

That said, I feel the problem is with me because if I thought she was more attractive, or I didn't care about looks, if I were blind, etc. then would we be ok? I feel I shoudn't care so much and I want to not care. Kind of like "Shallow Hal" but I dont have some magic Tony Robbins to cast a spell. Also I know that even if I did have a stronger physical attraction, well that fades, and how do people deal with that? How will I? Why can't my love and relationship overcome this? What's wrong with me? The honest truth, I want to stay with her, but I feel it's not fair to her for me to look across the room at her and feel un-attraction. She needs to be with someone who wants her, and I want that person to be me, but I dont know how to make it happen.

Despite what it may seem, I love her very much and she loves me, she is attracted to me, she is honest and true and full of love. I could def. see her in my future, to make a family, grow together, but with this other thing, something says it's wrong. And for sure she feels it and its unfair to her. She deserves better.

I can't tell if I'm normal, messed up, if I can change or am I doomed...

Or? Is there someone else out there where this all goes away? It is ever wise to "settle" (nobody's perfect right?)?
So lost and confused, I'm sure it's plain to see.

 

[pofacedhoe]

well this is what you get when you get together with someone you dont really fancy that much because you like their personality.

years later you think, i cant do this anymore.

you need to find your partner attractive when young cos as you say they will only age over time so if you can see some of what first made you fancy them it can reignite shit


what advice i can give? well first i would have found someone i did find attractive because friendship alone cannot sustain a sexual relationship and the one being rejected will feel their self esteem drop over time

at the same time are you that hot yourself? is this just grass is greener syndrome. if you were buff would you not have had more options hence you would have not settled for her...

as a gay i could have some pretty hot women and not be attracted to them all that much (maybe a twinge/urge when i'm drunk) so i can relate to this.

do you find other women attractive and why were you not with them if so?

 

[factvsfiction]

Thank you for your insights pofacedhoe. Of course I find other women attractive - this is part of the problem, looks do matter to me. But I wish they didn't. It's because I find other women attractive that I miss that in this relationship - not that she has to be the most good looking from everyone, but I miss the attraction part of a romance. And true, attraction fades no matter what, so at some point we all have to learn to not care about this - how do people have sex and romance when they look at their partner and don't see the (physical) things that turned them on anymore? Seems everyone has to deal with this at some point. Maybe no one talks about it. I think there is this fairy tale (maybe some have it) where your love is so strong that looks dont matter, but I'm not sure that it does at least on some level for most people.

As for whether I can get hotter women or if I'm hot, I have and I can, though its not as easy as you get older. But those girls couldn't hold a candle to this one in terms of being a good and compatible person in the ways that really matter (and that's why it didn't work with them and why I went more for personality this time.). But anyway that shouldnt be a determining factor, because whether I can or cant get a better looking woman doesn't change how to get over this problem. For example. Let's say I can't get a better looking woman because I'm not so hot, so does that mean to stay with this relationship? If so, then still I'm not attracted and what can I do about that? Do I leave anyway? And then what? I can't do better and just stay alone because no attractive woman wants me? It seems I have to learn to not care, but I'm not sure how to learn that.

 

[llama112]

You need to have attraction in a relationship. If looks are the reason why you cannot fully get into a relationship.... you both deserve more.

 

[DeeDeeDrug]

Thank you for your insights pofacedhoe. Of course I find other women attractive - this is part of the problem, looks do matter to me. But I wish they didn't. It's because I find other women attractive that I miss that in this relationship - not that she has to be the most good looking from everyone, but I miss the attraction part of a romance. And true, attraction fades no matter what, so at some point we all have to learn to not care about this - how do people have sex and romance when they look at their partner and don't see the (physical) things that turned them on anymore? Seems everyone has to deal with this at some point. Maybe no one talks about it. I think there is this fairy tale (maybe some have it) where your love is so strong that looks dont matter, but I'm not sure that it does at least on some level for most people.

As for whether I can get hotter women or if I'm hot, I have and I can, though its not as easy as you get older. But those girls couldn't hold a candle to this one in terms of being a good and compatible person in the ways that really matter (and that's why it didn't work with them and why I went more for personality this time.). But anyway that shouldnt be a determining factor, because whether I can or cant get a better looking woman doesn't change how to get over this problem. For example. Let's say I can't get a better looking woman because I'm not so hot, so does that mean to stay with this relationship? If so, then still I'm not attracted and what can I do about that? Do I leave anyway? And then what? I can't do better and just stay alone because no attractive woman wants me? It seems I have to learn to not care, but I'm not sure how to learn that.

Just how Unattractive is she?
It would kill me to find out that my s/o didn't find me attractive and just stayed with me because he was confused.
It sounds like you do have genuine feelings for her so remember this, if you let her go so that you both can move on to more physically compatible relationships, think about how you'll feel when SHE is in another relationship and you remember what did attract you to her. Personality, sense of humour, what ever it was or may be, and you are with your new hotter girlfriend who may not be as smart or as funny, and you realize that the company out weighed the beauty all along. Beauty fades, it just happens, or it was never there but I'd rather have someone I can talk to, who knows me and gets me.
I don't know, I'm rambling. Sometimes beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if you just can't get past her physical looks, then maybe you should be fair to her and move on.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Ok, the title is a bit dramatic, but sometimes that's how I feel. I'm on the verge of a breakup with a wonderful person (best friend and partner I've ever had, and maybe will have), and when I ask myself what the main reason is, I feel so shallow and f'd up - it's her looks. It's not that I expect her to be perfect or a 10, honestly. it's that when I actually look at her face, and forgive me for how rude this sounds, I find her very unattractive and I dont feel physical desire. She even has a great body, but I don't feel attraction to her. I feel like a horrible person and guilty as hell for having these feelings. And for breaking her heart if we split which is where we are now headed (of course I do not say this is the reason).

Now the complicated part, is that I used to not care, but two things have happened simultaneously over time, we didn't have a strong sexual chemistry from the start, and (and forgive me again, but I'm trying to get the truth out) - she hasn't aged well. So together, I just dont feel physical desire unless we a bit tipsy or stoned, and sometimes we can connect sexually, but that seems really messed up if that's how it is.

That said, I feel the problem is with me because if I thought she was more attractive, or I didn't care about looks, if I were blind, etc. then would we be ok? I feel I shoudn't care so much and I want to not care. Kind of like "Shallow Hal" but I dont have some magic Tony Robbins to cast a spell. Also I know that even if I did have a stronger physical attraction, well that fades, and how do people deal with that? How will I? Why can't my love and relationship overcome this? What's wrong with me? The honest truth, I want to stay with her, but I feel it's not fair to her for me to look across the room at her and feel un-attraction. She needs to be with someone who wants her, and I want that person to be me, but I dont know how to make it happen.

Despite what it may seem, I love her very much and she loves me, she is attracted to me, she is honest and true and full of love. I could def. see her in my future, to make a family, grow together, but with this other thing, something says it's wrong. And for sure she feels it and its unfair to her. She deserves better.

I can't tell if I'm normal, messed up, if I can change or am I doomed...

Or? Is there someone else out there where this all goes away? It is ever wise to "settle" (nobody's perfect right?)?
So lost and confused, I'm sure it's plain to see.

There is nothing wrong with the way you feel. I've been where you have been. You are only meant to be friends with them. It's sad I know but that's just the way this plays out. Give yourself a break and move on knowing you may never find someone you can have it all with. That's what happened in my life. I'm old now and I live alone. It's actually much better this way considering the partners I've had and who I am.

 

[DeeDeeDrug]

There is nothing wrong with the way you feel. I've been where you have been. You are only meant to be friends with them. It's sad I know but that's just the way this plays out. Give yourself a break and move on knowing you may never find someone you can have it all with. That's what happened in my life. I'm old now and I live alone. It's actually much better this way considering the partners I've had and who I am.

What is old? I keep seeing people say that they are old. How old is old?

 

[ShardHunter]

I love this "what is old" concept. The "standard" is "middle age" is 40...which means by 80, you've expired, so please feel free to drop dead.

I prefer the much classier "old is 20 years forward from where I am now."

 

[ShardHunter]

factvsfiction,

There's nothing wrong with you and you don't need to change. Saying you're not attracted to her is the same as me saying I don't date men who are shorter than me or a friend saying he's never dated an Asian women because he doesn't find himself drawn to them (that's preference, by the way, not racism).

If I may toot my own horn, I am an educator in sex, relationships and religion (long story and if you want to know, PM me) so I am comfortable speaking with confidence on this topic.

You are berating yourself for not being physically attracted to her. (I feel like this actually makes you a person of depth if you chose to engage in an intimate relationship despite her looks. That would be the opposite of shallow, don't you agree?) Unfortunately, You mentioned something critical: desire and chemistry. Those are feelings that differentiate our relationships with our partners from..our co-workers, our educators or students, the mechanic, gardener, mail carrier, etc. You are also assuming if she was lovely, that would fix it...but maybe it wouldn't. Could you be using her appearance as a scapegoat for something else?

There are a few options, but nothing comes easy. One would be to sit down and have a heartbreaking conversation where you tell her your Truth. (I wouldn't say, "I love you but ahmagah you are soooo fugly...") Express yourself from a place of love and humility and see if the two of you can find some resolutions.

Another option would be to process on your own, through journal writing, meditation, eating a lot of yogurt...

Additionally, you could choose to leave the relationship with as minimal damage to both of you as possible...but I'd recommend you still do your best to learn a bit more about yourself before moving forward with another partner.

That will be five cents please,
~Shard

 

[One Thousand Words]

Whatever you decide to do I would never mention any of this to her. You may as well punch her in the face.


Having said that try to fast forward 10-20 years when your own looks no longer matter and ask yourself if you'd prefer to spend the next how ever many years with someone who will eventual lose their looks too ( everyone except me it seems ), or with your current soul mate who fulfills every other aspect in your life?

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Reasons why you want to break up: Unattractive & Old, feels wrong to stay in a relationship when there's no attraction there.

Reasons why you want to stay with her: Honest, has love for you and herself, full of love, and sincere. Marriage/parent material.

Hm.. so I guess it just comes down to which list has a greater importance to you.

I always thought that the longer you are with someone, the more you accept them for who they are. Strange that you've lost interest.

Love, future mother material < looks

If it's weight-related, can you exercise with her?

 

[nuttynutskin]

Whatever you decide to do I would never mention any of this to her. You may as well punch her in the face.

I agree with this. Mentioning her looks as a reason for breaking up is probably the cruelest thing you could do to her. Why did you get with this person in the first place anyways if you weren't even attracted to her? I'm a strong believe that looks aren't everything but there has to be some degree of physical attraction, otherwise you're going to end up like the OP.

And, like Diamonds mentioned is it just weight related? People can obviously lose weight and with the right kind of support you both could get in better shape together. Just make it about health in general, not her weight if that indeed is what the problem is.

 

[My3sons]

I have this problem too. I am dating someone that I desperately want to be attracted to, but I am not. I am driving and can't read all the comments right now. I haven't slept with him yet but we gave been dating about a month or son. He is really nice, treats me good, actually has a job and house too! However, once his hat comes off it's just not there. I am also older, 41, and have been married and I get that at the end of the day looks don't mean anything. I am hoping in time he becomes more attractive to me through personality. Truely believe if he were good looking I would be head over heels. Is it possible for this to change for me? I really do like him and like you feel like piece of shit for admitting how shallow I am. Sorry if I have typos. I should not be txting now but felt compelled to let you know that you aren't alone!

 

[pofacedhoe]

i just think that to stay with someone you are not attracted to is kind of weak and desperate. this is coming from someone who used to pull women who were not hot when drunk on a night out to show i "wasn't gay" as a teenager.

i could not do companionship with someone i did not fancy if they would not let me fuck other people or were expecting me to fuck them (i wouldn't consciously try and acquire these situations either). its just inauthentic to the self (to not enjoy sex or to not enjoy it with my partner) and i cannot live that way.

you could be lonely all your life if you split or you might split up and find a few more people you love between now and your death. why worry?

life is a mystery

you cant spend it with regrets and to stay with someone out of fear of being on your own isn't really doing them any favours

 

[My3sons]

I would not call having the ability to see someone beyond their outward appearance desperate!

 

[pofacedhoe]

I would not call having the ability to see someone beyond their outward appearance desperate!

if you are not attracted to someone then why are you with them? its a bit different if you are 50 and you got together at 20 and fancied them till they were 40 compared to being with someone for years and never really fancying them.

being with someone that isn't right for you/you never found attractive just so you can be with someone as opposed to alone to me seems desperate. i can see why people do it for financial reasons like buying house in the uk is a big one. but still...

 

[HYDRO_CHRONIC]

Your reading bluelight while driving asshole....?

 

[DubNaut]

Despite what it may seem, I love her very much and she loves me, she is attracted to me, she is honest and true and full of love. I could def. see her in my future, to make a family, grow together, but with this other thing, something says it's wrong. And for sure she feels it and its unfair to her. She deserves better.

I can't tell if I'm normal, messed up, if I can change or am I doomed...

Or? Is there someone else out there where this all goes away? It is ever wise to "settle" (nobody's perfect right?)?
So lost and confused, I'm sure it's plain to see.

i think that is what 'love' is mate.. good defining

 

[factvsfiction]

Really Struggling - Not attracted but dont want to leave.

I feel Im really at my wits end. I need to be in or out, and Im paralyzed. When I look at my partner, more often than not I find her (and forgive me Im not trying to be mean and you can rip into me all you want, but it wont be worse than what I do to myself), I find her very unattractive (she has a nice figure, but her face is sometimes very off-putting and with age, getting more unattractive to me). The paradox here is that I want to be with her, shes just amazing and good for me in a million ways, and I am good to her. I want to convince myself that looks dont matter, or that in time it wont matter with anyone. That said, when I see an attractive person on the street, it makes me realize how nice attraction is, but also, it makes me feel insecure cause even if I were single, I it doesnt mean that Id meet someone. Im getting older and truth be told, chances are slim (most of the people that catch my eye are at least 10-15 years younger). My current partner thinks im attractive and feels so much love for me and shows it. And feel like a fool and an idiot because instead of feeling chemistry and romance I feel im convincing myself to let go of superficial things and love her for her (which I do, very much, but its just the romance part). But instead of feeling physical desire like i remember feeling with relationships past, Im in my head (or I try to have a few drinks to stop thinking). I want to be done with this, I want to let go of searching outside for some magic perfect person (something Ive been doing since a teen). Or I need to let it go, and hope that I dont regret it or dont wind up alone cause I couldnt get over something so superficial. Is it necessary to look into your partners eyes and feel attraction? Can a healthy relationship proceed without this? How many people out there live good relationships w/o it (seems with age everybody loses their looks, so how do you keep sex and romance "hot"). i cant anymore, I need to be in or out. I want to be in, but im struggling with framing this so I can move forward and be happy.

 

[factvsfiction]

what ever happened?

what ever happened re:

I have this problem too. I am dating someone that I desperately want to be attracted to, but I am not. I am driving and can't read all the comments right now. I haven't slept with him yet but we gave been dating about a month or son. He is really nice, treats me good, actually has a job and house too! However, once his hat comes off it's just not there. I am also older, 41, and have been married and I get that at the end of the day looks don't mean anything. I am hoping in time he becomes more attractive to me through personality. Truely believe if he were good looking I would be head over heels. Is it possible for this to change for me? I really do like him and like you feel like piece of shit for admitting how shallow I am. Sorry if I have typos. I should not be txting now but felt compelled to let you know that you aren't alone!