Am I an addict? If so. Isn't it the way its supposed to be?

[closeyoureyes]

(i dont know where to put this so please move this thread but I just wanted to be heard and maybe someoone will give me some kind of advice...and if not at least you read my story)

So. I just read up on my first posts in bluelight. What a naive kid I was and how many questions I had... Can't believe I feel like such a guru now compared back to then.
I was amazed by how drugs can make you a better person and I believed in responsible use.
I started with weed in high school, then tried some kind of research chemical which made me run and shout how fast and cool life was...
Then I was introduced to amphetamine, the dirty fucking one, smelling of gasoline and cat urine, I would've never thought that this vile smell will be the smell of vice. The smell so beautiful it makes something in my brain love it so much despite knowing about all this harm...
I then fell in love with a girl and with the compound which is just a bunch of beautiful lies - MDMA. Life was so beautiful and at last I understood why it was called ecstacy.
Then I discovered research chemicals... oh boy how much happiness getting a letter from abroad used to give me. All those shitty stimulants and panic attacks, all those jaw clenching benzofuran parties and the oh so missed and respected, so misterious and so amazing my second love methoxetamine... I would probably get on my knees and go through hell just to be able to experience that once again.
When nothing helps and there is no chance of dancing I dring Gbl and then be careful - I'm a beast at the floor.

I cant say exactly how much time has passed. 4 or 5 years. But I was partying almost every weekend for that much time. Maybe there was a month break but just maybe. drug free weekend here and there sometimes too. When I had my heart broken I tried to heal it in every wrong way possible. Summers - half week sober half week wired. In this time I tried so many drugs, I cant even count all of them, I just dont wanna try heroin but I've had tramadol. I never smoked crack but I sure did have looked like a crackhead a few times in my life at 8 o clock stealing shit from shops just for entertainment.

The thing is if I drink alcohol I want speed. If I'm strong enough to say no to speed I'll take acid. Once a month I take MDMA but the night almost never ends with just that... And also I smoke weed daily though I dont even like it anymore.

Some of the friends I started partying with were so irresponsible, eating tens of e pills and going with 0 sleep for like 3 - 4 days... and I thought I was the smart one, because I ejucated myself about the dangers, and all this harm reduction shit... And now those crazy friends dont even do drugs anymore.. but I do. And It is becoming a part of my life so big I get scared.

Im writing all this because I stumbled on my first post here in bluelight. Now I have a job, I have a girlfriend but taking amphetamine in secret from both of them sometimes even at work days is normal now... My vacation is based on doing drugs. All my friends are so called "ravers" or "stoners" or just fucking crazy people but we all have this one thing in common - we love to run away from reality and just become the music.

So I guess I'm an addict. And I never thought I'll be when I first started lurking here just to be responsible because I knew that drugs are dangerous. And that just feels so weird.

The worst part is that the older I get the more boring everything seems to get. Like I have ZERO interest in all those activities normal people participate in. They watch football I say what the fuck? The go camping I say lets trip. They buy new cars and travel to foreign countries and live in expensive hotels I say why would you want that if you can have great time just here with these magical potions with all these friends and all these strangers becoming friends or enemies or shocking them or helping them... Life is just boring and that scares me so much. Nothing excites me anymore. Even sex seems like pointless animalistic instinct just like pissing and shitting... And I know its because of Im so used to have these adventures and feel so enchanced all the time. I cant just go to the doctor and ask to cure me because they will just prescribe benzos. I cant just leave my friends because I fucking love them. But when interacting with people who dont know real me - my coworkers, family, I just feel so anxious and so different.

So what the fuck do I do? How do I become the confident, happy superior being without killing myself or becoming an axious retard till my thirties?

 

[w0w0mg]

Time is your answer my friend.
The longer you stay away from a drink or a drug, the better the outcome.
You will start picking up new hobbies, and new interests.
It never hurts to check out an NA or AA meeting too.
Trust me, you don't want to spend your life chasing a high, it gets you no where.
Much love, friend.

 

[herbavore]

Maybe you need to change the focus of your altered states of consciousness. Right now it seems to be to be taken away (from reality, from the 'you' you perceive to be needing more stimulus or more depth of experience or just plain more) and so your addiction is to escape. What if you reserved those times for contemplation about the nature of being, the transitory reality of your time here, of how to find balance in your life or meaning?

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Your first step: stop doing drugs (or, at least, stop doing so many drugs)

That's probably not what you want to hear but it seems to me like an obvious step 1. Because A), you've identified the fact that you're unhappy with the way your life is currently proceeding, and B) you've identified a possible reason, or at least contributing factor, to your unhappiness (the fact that you may have done too many uppers).

Trust me, you can get better. I know about stimulant abuse...oh boy, do I know...I abused methamphetamine for about 3-4 years, and prescription stimulants (Adderall/Dexedrine etc) before that even. Regular life, even the beautiful elements of life, all seems gray and drab compared to that rush. But the brain has a remarkable capacity to heal itself from even heavy drug use, IMO. You need to stop hammering your brain with strong psychoactive drugs for a while, though. I don't know much about MDMA (it's not a drug I've had much experience at all with) but I know that it's a very strong drug that you should not abuse.

At least take a break from them...you can always go back to them later if you just absolutely loathe sobriety/semi-sobriety. But at least it's worth a shot, right?

 

[FnX]

Try ditching the weed if you're still smoking daily and not even enjoying it. Worked wonders for me. It can be hard if the habit is rooted deep, but it pays off in many ways IMHO.

 

[Ziiirp]

I can partly relate. People, who are exclusively drinking alcohol for recreation here and then and never tried anything else (despite maybe suck on a spliff once) are difficult to relate to and you feel somewhat "guilty" having so much experience with different mind states. But you would not know, who else at your workplace does drugs for recreation or at least is open to new experiences, if they are opportune. In the end it could also be you, that is closed-minded for thinking, that everyone of them is closed minded.

Independently of your allegedly square colleagues : It will be difficult to change your dosing regimen, if you are not willing to change your environment/circle of friends or not willing to have a positive impact on them and yourself. IMHO you should also try to connect to (more) sober people and their activities. You don't even have to mention your approach to substance consumption. The best sober commonality to easily connect with western people are playing local (multiplayer) videogames or doing team based sports IMHO. Both activities can produce natural highs, that feel in the end better than drug induced highs. Getting high aimlessly is destructive in my opinion.