Am I a fucked up person?

[Opiates<3]

Ever since I can remember I've always been happy. Looking through old pictures of ages 1-10 I always had a smile on my face, so I'm not sure why this is happening . I've never had thoughts of suicide or anything because <I disagree with it.> (unflattering remark replaced by something less aggressive ~ Vaya)

I'm not very good at school and I'm a senior and have no idea what I want to do after school. And I don't see the point of getting in debt if I might just fail out.

<Triggering remark removed ~ Vaya> I think of a shit load of stuff . Some good and some bad. I always think of robbing stores and or people and I think of how easy it would be.

This thought crosses my head all the time and I have really contemplated doing this but I always talk myself out of it.

Anyways I have a lot of friends and shit like that but I really like my alone time. There's really only 1 or 2 friends That I can really relate to, but one of my friends it's like we read eachothers minds. <Triggering remark removed ~ Vaya>

We are both agnostic and seem like we both have the same issues with parents. The point is I can really relate to this kid.

I asked my friend what he thought about doing something like this and that I think about this all the time. He said he does too and he has also almost done it too.

I'm not really a big stealer but I have stolen lots of money from family, and my school, basically anywhere that money is easily accessible. If I want something I'll take it. I'm not sure how I became this way.

My parents always taught me how wrong stealing is and this and that. The thing is that deep down I honestly don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I have done a lot of things in my life that society would look at as "bad" or wrong.

I'm pretty slick at doing bad things. I guess it's kind of a gift. But I feel like when I say this outloud to myself I sound fucking crazy.

I told my friend all of this and he asked me what I was planning to do after school. He told me that he doesn't wanna go to college either, for the exact same reason as me. We got really into the conversation and he told me something that shocked me.

He said he feels like he will become a high class criminal. (I know this sounds crazy , but please keep reading) I was shocked when he said this, but I was even more shocked when he said he would be a hit man.

The most fucked up thing was that I actually thought about being a hitman. I thought that it would most likely be easy and be some simple money. I'm so confused how this can sound like a legitimate idea.

We talked for probably 45 minutes straight about the subject until he had to go. When he left I was still thinking about what he said and how calmly he said this and how it sounded legit.

I feel like I have no morals but Im a pretty optimistic person and not dark at all. I don't like it when people get hurt. That Is why these thoughts are so confusing ???

Any thoughts? Please be serious . I know that this was long but I feel like I left out some important details. I wish there was a way to tell you my whole life story so you guys could understand better.

Thanks to anyone who actually reads this, though it's more of a rant.

 

[stardust.hero]

I think in regards to the spark of interest when your friend mentioned elite movie esque criminal jobs, I think moreso you may be fantasizing about it. I can look at certain jobs from both sides. I like to look at cops that way. What if I were a cop? I could have this cool authoritative job with perks, but I could also have a job that is sometimes corrupt and work with people I don't agree with. I can see how fantasizing about being a hit man would be cool. You are this lucrative, sinister, deadly person who kills people for a living. I could see how it can spark a feeling of power and greatness and I think that is what you could be tapping into. Then you can look at from the other side. The side of the victims family and the victim himself. How many people you would affect and how that would be on your conscience. Sure you can learn to block it out and think business but do you want to be that person. Is that who you want to be. Sure people do the job, there will always be someone to do it. But is that what you really want to do.

I think you are confused because you can fantasize and trick yourself into believing that you can be a bad person if you want. That you can naturally be that way. I'm sure you can. It is your choice. You seem confused though so I think that is good and conscience shining through. You don't believe that lifestyle is for you. Sure you can train yourself into being a heartless creature by telling yourself you already have bad traits already. But I think you know that really isn't you.

 

[Opiates<3]

Wow I really appreciate that post. That made me feel almost normal. Haha but yes I really always try and be a good person but I see myself as 60% bad 40% good. It's a pretty shitty feeling.
And yes I would have a hard time dealing with killing someone.

For example, one day I was sitting outside and saw a baby bunny. I was playing with an airs off gun and shot at it, as soon as I pulled the trigger I felt so bad. Luckily there was wind and the bb curved above the bunny. I felt so bad and proceeded to feed it carrots. Haha so yeah I think that is a good indication of the kinda person I am lol

 

[anaddict]

This may come off as an oversimplified answer to your question and I am certainly no expert but I think the fact that you are asking this type of question is proof that you are not "a fucked up person" as you put it. The fact that you are asking the question in my mind is proof that you know these things are at least in some way inherently wrong. Maybe you are shying away from college or any 'normal' type career because you dislike structure and authority. When I was at your point in my life I felt like my whole life had been dictated and that if I let it was just going to continue for the rest of my life and I would become this mindless drone sitting at a desk doing what I was told for the rest of my life. Statements like "I always talk myself out of it." and "I don't like when people get hurt." are positive and I do not want to pretend to understand what you are going through because we can never really understand each others pain truly. It is very normal to have thoughts of doing these things you are talking about but back again to "I talk myself out of it." Is what we all do really. Life sucked for me at several points in my life and I considered all sorts of unsavory things. Ultimately though you are now in control of your own life. You can choose any direction you wish you just have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of those actions in the eyes of society, the law, and with your own conscience(the most important one).

 

[Vaya]

^ Great post

I won't attempt to recreate my own version; that was very well said. And with a poignant bottom line: If you have to ask, you're not "fucked up" - Probably by a longer stretch than you'd imagine.
If these thoughts routinely bother you, would you consider consulting with a therapist to see whether or not the roots of these thoughts can be clarified and tended to?

~ Vaya

 

[Opiates<3]

I do attend therapy for ADHD every 2 weeks. I may bring this up next week

 

[Vaya]

Yeah - but that's a group for ADHD. What you were initially describing was a myriad of things that aren't really related to ADHD. Group therapy is great for some things, but in dealing with what you wish to deal with, privacy and trusting rapport are going to be the keystones supporting your effort to better understand yourself. Try a therapist. I've gone both routes ad nauseum and strongly suggest visiting with a therapist.

~ Vaya

 

[Opiates<3]

It's a therapist that the doc that prescribes me adderall wants me to see. It's a one on one thing and we just talk about whatever usually. I could easily bring this up there. Hopefully with some good results

 

[herbavore]

I think that is a great idea to bring it up with your therapist. Have you met him/her yet?

I agree with the above posters that you may be letting the idea of yourself as a bad person make you feel like that is who you are destined to be. Then every act that fits that idea of yourself will simply feed the idea in your mind. We all do bad things, we all think bad thoughts and we all wonder about who we are. Stealing others money is wrong IMO but much of the other things you are talking about seem to be in the realm of fantasy. I think that you should try to not feed the idea that you are uncaring, or bad, as you might begin to start to live up to it unconsciously.

As far as your friend is concerned I would also caution you not to in any way give him the impression that you condone his idea of becoming a killer (calling a killer a 'hit-man' to me just removes it from the reality of what it really is). In the same way that you want to avoid feeding your own fascination with a life of being a criminal, you want to make sure you don't feed his.

Think about the positive aspects of your personality and remind yourself that the whole idea of a college degree or a career path is something that is a very individual choice. Many of the thoughts you are having might be generated by feeling pressured to figure out what you are going to do after graduation. There are lots of choices as far as that goes. The most important choice you can make is what kind of person you want to be. Stay in touch and let us know how the therapy goes.

 

[tripnotyzm]

Okay so clearly you're young.. Young minds can get pretty wild.
Although the idea of commiting robberies and other crimes may 'suit you', you really need to start thinking about how f'd up life would be if it was spent behind bars.
And you definitely don't want to take a persons life. That's heavy, no matter how anonymous the victim may be.
You don't want to come out of school and walk straight into a prison dude.

 

[Missykins]

Sticking a gun in someone's face is a punk ass move.