TDS Am I a bad daughter?

[warpaint]

hey guys this is my first post.

i came here to talk about my mom. she was the only one in my family i was closest with growing up. my mom and dad divorced when i was 9, and when i look back, it didn't shcok me, if anything i was indifferent and chose to live with my mom. my mom however, never had a job and so we went to live with my grandma and her side of the family. her family is fucked and while i was living with them, it felt like there were always sides. but no mattr what i was always the scapegoat, even for problems theyve had before i was born. basically, they always made me feel left out and that i was a bad person.

i always found it weird that my mom never found a proper job, she would be paid under the table for office work, and therefore wasnt able to make enough for her and i to be on our own. so in 2010, she suffered a stroke in the car. she was able to pull over but after that she couldnt speak. i wanted to call 911 but for some reason she strongly didnt want me to. shed try to take the phone away. this angered me a lot because her life was at stake, i called anyways, and i called her brother. her brother shows up and yells at me for bothering him at work? like what the fuck? and he continued to berate me for not calling my dad first, just like how i never ask or go to him for anything (money). you can kind of get an idea of what my childhood and adolescence was like growing up with her disgusting excuse of a family. okay long story short, it turned out that my mom didnt have a health card (i live in canada). why? because she had overstayed her student visa all these years. it expired in like 1989 before i was born (1993). why she never filled out her application, i have no fucking idea. all those years id been taking shit from her family and even my mom herself, all those times id be told that i should be grateful for her since she had no money. but all along she could have been able to provide much better for not just me, but for herself had she gone through with the right immigration process. she was in her mid 40s when she ahd a stroke. which is young. the only reason why she did was cus she couldnt ever afford to see a doctor (no healthcard).

so after her stroke... she stayed in the hospital for a couple months, her family walked out on her. they had known about her immigration thing alll along, my dad did too, but i was the only one they kept it from, yet they had the audacity to treat me the way they did all those years. i was only a kid. i was completely distraught by my moms state of health and everything that was hid from me. i was sad, yet extremely resentful. during the first months after she suffered a stroke, i was with her most of the time. her right side is a little impaired and she cant walk as well now. but mentally she is still there. during her time in the hospital, she was working with social workers to find a lwayer for her to help her apply for status in canada... and she is still in the process of waiting for a response. the social workers also helped her find a permanent placement like a group home for disabled people. till this day no one has no idea why she didnt bother going thru with her immigration application when her visa expired. before the stroke she was fine and had no criminal record.

fast forward to today, i am living with my boyfriend whom i met a year ago and i am in a much better place. there is definitely less hostility in my life. but some days i still feel like i am still recouperating from my teenage years and going thru what i did with my mom. over time i gradually stopped visiting my mom as much. i honestly cant feel happy when i see her. she's become so much more sensitive, she cries a lot and i rly do sympathize for her , but i cant see her. i see her and i feel a million things and i dont even see her as the mom i knew when i was younger before the stroke. i feel angry, resentful, sad. and is it wrong that sometimes i cant even feel bad for her? the past is the past but i cant believe she would do this to herself. she's basically stuck in the group home and in the meantime she is waiting to see if she will get status in canada or not, whch may take another year or so. i feel like ive completely moved on with my own life but at the same time i kind of feel like a bad person for not wanting to visit her as much. like i dont think i could ever be who i was when i was with ehr before she had a stroke.

am i okay to feel this way? is it wrong that i dont feel like seeing her? what do you make of all of this?...

 

[spork]

You're not a bad daughter. You've been taking care of yourself, and it sounds like it's something that you really needed to do for you. Your feelings towards your mom are what they are and the fact that you made this thread shows that you do care. Have you talked to a therapist or anyone about your feelings towards your mother? Talking it through could help you understand yourself and the situation a little more and you might be able to let go of some of the negative feelings. This might take a lot of time too, it seems like the experiences and feelings are still raw. Keep taking care of yourself in whatever way you can and everything else should fall into place.

 

[Seeking Where?]

I don't think we should ever judge ourselves on our FEELINGS, which we cannot control. But even if you do not accept this truth, at least accept that you have plenty of reasons for feeling the way you do. Sounds like you have had very little chance to separate healthily from your family and that you suffered (like most of us do, I'm afraid) from their foibles and failures. When you have had time to heal and be stronger, you may want to revisit the issue of staying in contact with your mother. There may be reasons that she did not share for her life decisions, or maybe she was simply young and unable to cope.

As you work on developing your self-confidence and understanding, you may find that you have more compassion for her than you think. If that proves to be the case, I hope that you will be able to act on that. But you do not have to sacrifice your well-being for anyone else - your life is precious. Make the most of it.

hey guys this is my first post.

i came here to talk about my mom. she was the only one in my family i was closest with growing up. my mom and dad divorced when i was 9, and when i look back, it didn't shcok me, if anything i was indifferent and chose to live with my mom. my mom however, never had a job and so we went to live with my grandma and her side of the family. her family is fucked and while i was living with them, it felt like there were always sides. but no mattr what i was always the scapegoat, even for problems theyve had before i was born. basically, they always made me feel left out and that i was a bad person.

i always found it weird that my mom never found a proper job, she would be paid under the table for office work, and therefore wasnt able to make enough for her and i to be on our own. so in 2010, she suffered a stroke in the car. she was able to pull over but after that she couldnt speak. i wanted to call 911 but for some reason she strongly didnt want me to. shed try to take the phone away. this angered me a lot because her life was at stake, i called anyways, and i called her brother. her brother shows up and yells at me for bothering him at work? like what the fuck? and he continued to berate me for not calling my dad first, just like how i never ask or go to him for anything (money). you can kind of get an idea of what my childhood and adolescence was like growing up with her disgusting excuse of a family. okay long story short, it turned out that my mom didnt have a health card (i live in canada). why? because she had overstayed her student visa all these years. it expired in like 1989 before i was born (1993). why she never filled out her application, i have no fucking idea. all those years id been taking shit from her family and even my mom herself, all those times id be told that i should be grateful for her since she had no money. but all along she could have been able to provide much better for not just me, but for herself had she gone through with the right immigration process. she was in her mid 40s when she ahd a stroke. which is young. the only reason why she did was cus she couldnt ever afford to see a doctor (no healthcard).

so after her stroke... she stayed in the hospital for a couple months, her family walked out on her. they had known about her immigration thing alll along, my dad did too, but i was the only one they kept it from, yet they had the audacity to treat me the way they did all those years. i was only a kid. i was completely distraught by my moms state of health and everything that was hid from me. i was sad, yet extremely resentful. during the first months after she suffered a stroke, i was with her most of the time. her right side is a little impaired and she cant walk as well now. but mentally she is still there. during her time in the hospital, she was working with social workers to find a lwayer for her to help her apply for status in canada... and she is still in the process of waiting for a response. the social workers also helped her find a permanent placement like a group home for disabled people. till this day no one has no idea why she didnt bother going thru with her immigration application when her visa expired. before the stroke she was fine and had no criminal record.

fast forward to today, i am living with my boyfriend whom i met a year ago and i am in a much better place. there is definitely less hostility in my life. but some days i still feel like i am still recouperating from my teenage years and going thru what i did with my mom. over time i gradually stopped visiting my mom as much. i honestly cant feel happy when i see her. she's become so much more sensitive, she cries a lot and i rly do sympathize for her , but i cant see her. i see her and i feel a million things and i dont even see her as the mom i knew when i was younger before the stroke. i feel angry, resentful, sad. and is it wrong that sometimes i cant even feel bad for her? the past is the past but i cant believe she would do this to herself. she's basically stuck in the group home and in the meantime she is waiting to see if she will get status in canada or not, whch may take another year or so. i feel like ive completely moved on with my own life but at the same time i kind of feel like a bad person for not wanting to visit her as much. like i dont think i could ever be who i was when i was with ehr before she had a stroke.

am i okay to feel this way? is it wrong that i dont feel like seeing her? what do you make of all of this?...

 

[ad lib]

You're not a bad daughter.

Your feelings are yours and yours alone- you are entitled to them. If I were in your situation I would more than likely have many of the same feelings you do.

What you now have is an opportunity to make better for yourself. You've taken care if yourself for years, and you will continue to do so successfully.

You're not a bad daughter- your previous life experiences have given you those feelings. Have you considered therapy to maybe talk through some of these feelings? I know you mention health care, but maybe you'd be able to find something to help?

 

[herbavore]

Being blamed and treated like the scapegoat while you were growing up is going to affect you in ways that you might not even perceive. The best thing you could do for yourself is to pursue your own mental and physical wellbeing ardently--from self-help books to therapy if that is available. Your mother and her extended family sound immature and you had to take on the role of mothering your mother. Feeling guilty (like a "bad" daughter) is part of that role and you will have to consciously work on letting that go. You have found independence and happiness on your own and that is wonderful. Each one of us makes choices that have consequences for others. Strive to forgive your mother for choices that she made, perhaps out of fear or naiveté, and you will free both of you to move on.