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always planning my next relapse

downfallin

downfallin

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 8, 2010
Messages
188
Location
Somewhere in California
I am coming off of a couple months heroin run and I have been craving like crazy. My last use was 4 days ago and I'm getting my 15th (I think) vivitrol injection. So I'm getting clean once again.

But it seems like the only way I can get my head around getting clean is to see it as preparing for my next run. I set boundaries and rules for how long I will be clean and under what circumstances I will relapse.

This time I have told myself I will be out of my parents house and finish college (computer science) and move to sillicon valley.Get a software engineering or web development job and then I will go on my run.

All of that is going to take a while so hopefully I will just start loving life again.

,But how many people are successful being clean when the plan from the start is to have a more comfortable relapse? XD Anyone else take the plunge into sobriety like this because they can't seem to get their heads around never using again??
 
My take on this is that your cycling through the path of addiction. This is not to say it's some certainty. The opposite is true, but the cycle is real.

Memories are as placid as the brain. They change. A great example of this is studies done on Mother's memories of childbirth. After a period of time they seem to do somewhat of a 180. The trauma of birth is forgotten and is overcome with the beauty and miracle of giving birth to a new being.

Have you looked at how your manipulated by you? If we can recognize how we get played by us then we no longer get played;)

How do you played by yourself?

Addiction cycle
 
Ya I can see it. XD Its the rediculousness of my thought process that made me want to post this. Its like my pre-frontal cortex is telling me how stupid this plan is. To go through school and all that just to throw it away once i get a job. THATS my big plan. While my amygdola (sp?) Is telling me its a great plan. I just need a good enough job then i can be a functional addict! I know its not true though.The problem is ive been through treatment 6 times: 4 times were12 step, 2 times were christian programs. I'm sick of this cycle, but I'm starting to think maybe I need to stay on vivitrol forever or go on subs or something. I seem to always fail. I really wish I could just shut out my thoughts but they always seem to win eventually. I know I erase the pain of using and look back on using with rose-tinted glasses. Maybe this time I'll do it.
 
NP dowfallwen,

We all have the argument.. in addicts its so much stronger. As you pointed out the PFC "is telling me how stupid this plan is'." But what always happens? The subconscious just chews on what we feed it as reasons not to use and spits it back out as justifications to use. Right..


Only way to win this is not to play. Instead of fielding these never ending requests, which will be turned into justifications to use, then why not flip the debate.. ask "why use?" There is no answer to this. Let it wear itself out for a change. Some of the shit it will come up with to confabulate is comidiak on a grand stage.


Why use.. yeah right.. why use.. yeah right.. why use.. lol yeah right. repeat
 
And i can attest the fact that if you allow yourself some distance from these thoughts they will become fewer and further between. If you get really really lucky you may even find yourself the best reason to you for not relapsing. I can say provided you are trying to stack good experiences eventually the answer to "why not use" will literally be you taking into consideration all you have gained. You may find yourself valuing your hobbies, loves, future way more then anything else.

It will happen if you can get to the point where you can see your life progressing forward. I have one single relapse planned my death bed in a hospital, maybe my grand kid will wonder why grandpa is acting funny in his hospital bed but until the day when i can rest my head on a pillow for the final hour i will never take a single opiate for any reason... even if some maniac saws my arm off while im awake for it nothing has a stronger chance of ruining my accomplishments and ideas of who i am more then opiates.

This is largely a recent idea to me. My first time getting clean i was clean for a year, no meds just clean, and i relapsed because i didnt change my life and i needed something to get it going now that i have found that in myself i am fairly sure when people say "your an addict for life" and i say "not me" i actually mean it this time. That doesnt mean its an easy road but i love where im headed the struggles i face and all the emotions that come with it. Everyday is a good day to be alive!
 
^So true.<3 Whether you have ever struggled with addiction or not, making peace with yourself as an emotional being is true life work. And when you can reach that golden place that you describe, szuko000, where the challenge is exhilarating rather than terrifying, you have it so much easier.
 
downfallin said:
I am coming off of a couple months heroin run and I have been craving like crazy. My last use was 4 days ago and I'm getting my 15th (I think) vivitrol injection. So I'm getting clean once again.

But it seems like the only way I can get my head around getting clean is to see it as preparing for my next run. I set boundaries and rules for how long I will be clean and under what circumstances I will relapse.

This time I have told myself I will be out of my parents house and finish college (computer science) and move to sillicon valley.Get a software engineering or web development job and then I will go on my run.

All of that is going to take a while so hopefully I will just start loving life again.

,But how many people are successful being clean when the plan from the start is to have a more comfortable relapse? XD Anyone else take the plunge into sobriety like this because they can't seem to get their heads around never using again??
Click to expand...

Damn, I'm glad you posted this, I've been thinking about this all day, actually all week, fuck it-I've been thinking it since I got of the smack and speed a few weeks ago and came to fucking Ohio after a 3 year run. It's like this every time too, I seem to be one of the hopeless or something, IDK, this last time it got real bad for me, homeless for two years straight living under bridges and off the sides of freeways, constant hallucinations due to shooting meth multiple times a day with my heroin, really just bad, had nothing, looked like shit, felt like shit, I didn't even have shoe laces anymore at the end...or underwear, AND my pants had a gaping hole right where my balls are so I always had to sit just so when I was panhandling or doing anything... But I still just don't feel like I give a fuck, now more than ever, it's not only like I've just got reservations, it's like I'm actively waiting for the first possible opportunity to fuck up. Its fucked but I can't lie to myself and pretend I want something I don't anymore. I like getting high, and I think part of my problem is that as I've gotten older, and my addiction's progressed and in turn my life took a dive for the worst I started to think that it was kind of fucked up, like why should I be homeless just because I have fucked up brain chemistry and like to shoot up heroin? Like, why does it have to go that far? It just frustrates me because none of us would be having this dilemma if our drug use wasn't so demonized in the first place. I walk around hating myself and feeling guilty 90% of the time for the relapse that I find inevitable because in the end heroin is the thing I want most, sad maybe, but for me its true. I hate the band but chemical romance is exactly what I got.
 
downfallin said:
I am coming off of a couple months heroin run and I have been craving like crazy. My last use was 4 days ago and I'm getting my 15th (I think) vivitrol injection. So I'm getting clean once again.

But it seems like the only way I can get my head around getting clean is to see it as preparing for my next run. I set boundaries and rules for how long I will be clean and under what circumstances I will relapse.

This time I have told myself I will be out of my parents house and finish college (computer science) and move to sillicon valley.Get a software engineering or web development job and then I will go on my run.

All of that is going to take a while so hopefully I will just start loving life again.

,But how many people are successful being clean when the plan from the start is to have a more comfortable relapse? XD Anyone else take the plunge into sobriety like this because they can't seem to get their heads around never using again??
Click to expand...


Oh brother I hear you. I think secretly a majority of addicts thinks the same if they were willing to admit it. I'm the same I'm just trying to get squared away enough to keep using without making my life totally miserable. I'm not enamored of this fucked up world and what I'm expected to do in it. I want some relief and frankly opiates provide. When they work it's pretty good. Pain gone, depression gone. But then...
 
I wouldn't be able to quit unless I am allowed to tell myself that I will use the drug again... I promised myself a nice long final run as soon as I retire.... I'm going to save a shitload of money and go out with a bang... I can accept that. I can accept not using for a few decades and working towards an awesome retirement. I CANNOT accept the fact that I will never feel that wonderful high again- and I will self destruct quickly if trying to deceive myself. So yea- I do understand having reservations. Why not wait till retirement like me? We can go on an epic fucking run together. I'm being dead serious too.
 
Dude it's great you got clean and I know I have reservations that are just that fuck it I like getting high and that's who I am but shit there has to be more to life then this.....right?
 
Maybe not. I think unhappiness is a default setting for most of humanity rich or poor, successful or not. Then you wither and die. So maybe getting high is not such a bad idea. The trick is to limit the downsides and everything has a downside.
 
bdomihizayka said:
I wouldn't be able to quit unless I am allowed to tell myself that I will use the drug again... I promised myself a nice long final run as soon as I retire.... I'm going to save a shitload of money and go out with a bang... I can accept that. I can accept not using for a few decades and working towards an awesome retirement. I CANNOT accept the fact that I will never feel that wonderful high again- and I will self destruct quickly if trying to deceive myself. So yea- I do understand having reservations. Why not wait till retirement like me? We can go on an epic fucking run together. I'm being dead serious too.
Click to expand...

That sounds like one hell of a plan man! Haha. Sorry I thought I responded a while ago, but my connection must have been shoddy or something. Now that I have a couple of months clean that sounds much better. It's just that that sounds so far away. XD. But life is much better now and I think I can hold out until retirement. Lol it sounds sooo awesome, a couple of old geezers that saved up their entire lives and after their successful careers end, they just run amuck doing H getting fucked up every day lol. Sounds like you could make a movie out of that. Like a cross between bad grandpa and trainspotting XD.
 
Downfallin - kudos on your clean time! I wanted to comment on your career aspirations. I am a software engineer, and I am in recovery. I was in active addiction for the first 10 years of my career, and trying to maintain a high level of functioning is stressful and tough. Eventually it kills your memory, so writing code becomes cumbersome and you start making remedial mistakes that can be quite humbling during code review sessions with your peers. It's also difficult to stay current if you exist in a state of perpetual fog. While software development is rewarding, it is also very stressful with deadlines, scope creep, and unrealistic expectations set by the client and management. You really need a clear head to accurately perform your job.

I think the best thing you can do is to identify what is motivating you to want to use, and work on resolving it. There is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. If you can resolve that issue, staying sober isn't difficult, and life in general is much more enjoyable. Good luck!
 
Thanks moreaux! It's good to hear from someone who's worked in the field. And I felt that would be the case. Im gonna try my hardest to continue staying clean and clear headed and work towards being a good software engineer. Also about the underlying issue, I think I have many. Lol. I wish it was just one, but I'm working on them and hopefully I'll get there! Thanks man.
 
I was stuck in that addiction cycle for years and because of the constant failing (relapse) I literally lost all self-esteem. The last relapse I had I was outside smoking on the stairs on my patio contemplating suicide. I didn't act on it because I passed out and fell of the stairs right into my recycling bin next to the garbage. I woke up in the afternoon the next day, still in the recycling bin - my neighbors were coming home from work for lunch, traffic was driving by, and here I am in my underwear and tank top, bloody from the fall, in the trash. I had no dignity and locked the courage to pull the trigger so I was just useless and devestated. A switch flipped in my head that day, I wanted out. I didn't want the life I had anymore and I didn't hve the strength to kill myself so all that left ws getting sober.

Something was different this time. I went to rehab, I got on Vivitrol my last day there and stayed on it for 8 months. I did everything I could to safe guard my sobriety. I have two years now. The piece that was different with that attempt was somehow I knew I could never use again, and finally, I didn't care. I no longer obsess about it, I don't have cravings, I don't want it anymore. I don't want to be sick all the time, getting arrested, being taken advantage of and passed around. That was never supposed to be my life, and it's not going to be my life any more.

I'm almost forty and feel like I'm starting all over. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up yet - I'm still figuring that out. I want to spend my remaining days doing something I'm passionate about. It's no longer about money or prestige. My biggest goal is to find sustainable peace and contentment. I now hve a loving, healthy (non-addict), and patient husband who puts no stress on me and supports my endeavors. He knows about my addiction, and rode out the last relapse with me, and never once criticized or judged me. He has such an inherent serenity, he is always comfortable in his skin regardless of the situation, and I learn from him everyday.

I digress. The point that I'm trying to make is the more you go through the cycle the closer you are to either sobriety or death, whichever comes first. In my case and I suspect many others are in this situation, sobriety couldn't be forced, and it's unfortunate society tells us to be ashamed when we have a treatment resistant illness. When cancer doesn't go away with the first, second, etc treatments that person get support and companionship. When our illness doesn't go away we get judged and our loved ones leave us. It's not fair and it's devestating. How are we supposed to get healthy when we're constantly told we're horrible and a drain to everyone?

Eventually something changes and the desire for sobriety is more powerful than the drive to maintain the addiction. It's still not an easy recovery, but at some point you just concede to yourself that you don't want to live that way anymore. There are no more fantasies about relapses. There is no glory, or satisfaction from drugs, and thinking about them makes you physically ill and depressed. This is when sobriety is the only option, and the obsession stops. I didn't mean for this post to be so long - a lot of rambling. I hope this makes sense and some of this is useful to you. Good luck and go easy on yourself!
 
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