Hey Mr. Buddha,
Hang in there bro. The first month is the WORST.
The second month still sucked for me, but at least I could eat food and I started exercising.
The third month was much better. I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm now at 5 and a half months.
I still don't feel quite normal, but the massive anxiety is under control. Now it feels like the anxiety is just blended into the background all the time. It takes a solid week of it before it really starts to bother me at all.
I had the same problem looking into the mirror, mostly in the first month and a half. My vision was still off until about 4 months, but the feeling of not recognizing myself in the mirror seemed to go away first. I felt like it wasn't my face. My eyes looked terrible, from the anxiety and over-sleeping. Not just that - I didn't feel myself looking back! The 'central governor', the core of my being, was not inside the eyes I saw! Terrifying.
It also felt like my eyes were 'set back' in my skull. Everything I perceived was slightly distant, slightly dull, and almost like it was on a movie screen. When I looked in the mirror I felt like a 90 yr. old man trapped in a young body. It was horrible! Nobody can understand this unless they go through it themselves.
The DpDr is the emotional/surreal side of things. The HPPD is the actual modification to your vision and spatial perception. The likely reason for it is this: when your serotonin levels drop, they are dropping FAR. You also have to remember that your ability to re-synthesize more serotonin is disabled right now. You may not even start making more for another month! So your visual cortex, which is in the back of your head (occipital lobe) is UP-regulating its serotonin receptors in response to this shortage.
I think this is a protective measure. Did you know that serotonin has a BIG effect on blood flow in the brain? Your visual cortex is trying to maintain its blood flow, that's all. The good news is this: as your body starts to build more serotonin, these receptors will down-regulate. It will be a slow process, but if you pay close attention you will be able to
feel it. I'm not joking - I would force myself to focus on something about 4 feet away. Sometimes my face in the mirror was the best thing. No matter how unreal it felt, if I forced my eyes to focus, it would make my head buzz after a few minutes. This buzzing started to feel like it was fixing my vision over time. Between months 2-4 my vision slowly normalized. It was reassuring about my recovery in general...
Each week ask yourself if you have noticed any improvement in the HPPD. I promise it will get better.
The anxiety will get better too, but it will likely take longer than the vision to correct itself.
You should be avoiding things that quickly increase serotonin in the brain. Things like carbohydrates, tryptophan or 5-htp, or smoking weed...
You do not just have a shortage of serotonin right now, you have a shortage of storage space. You must allow your brain to up-regulate its receptors SLOWLY.
Yes, you have to stop smoking. You will feel much better if you do.
Drinking beer seems to be ok. It was always relaxing - no increase in anxiety. Just don't over do it. I suggest 3-4 beers per night max. No slamming shots, either.
Opiates were still nice. Just don't overdo them because coming off of them after more than two days of use REALLY sucked.
If you INSIST on still smoking weed, I STRONGLY suggest you exercise first. It will not only decrease your anxiety from smoking, but it improves the high. Even then, I still don't smoke often. It is best used sparingly until your recovery is over. Trust me, bro. If you quit and let your tolerance go away, then smoke again - holy shit. You will feel the mind-bending effects of weed induced serotonin rush. You will understand without a doubt that it is
not helping your recovery.
Don't worry, you will smoke again one day in the distant future. This is the best time in your whole life to learn that living sober is OK. It will not suck that much, especially since life already sucks for you. You will feel better.
It is strange that despite the modification to your senses, despite life not feeling real, and anxiety constantly gnawing at you - that you can still function. You can still 'be yourself' at least between panic attacks.
Even long term heavy users seem to function like normal people after their recovery, sometimes with 'modest' cognitive alterations.
You are going to make it through. But it WILL take longer than you want it to.
What you don't understand right now is that the
emotional stress this is putting on you
gets better while it is going on. Don't freak out about it taking a year. I PROMISE it will not feel nearly this bad the whole time.
Think of it like rising to the surface of a deep pool of water. Right now the light at the surface is so distant. You are also feeling all the pressure of the water above you. It's pushing down on you constantly. But as you rise, you will slowly feel less pressure and see more light.
You are going to learn the true meaning of patience, too. You will understand it better than anyone else you know.
The increased blood flow is region specific in your brain. It will feel really weird for a while. But research shows that this change in cerebral bloodflow will eventually even out. That means the head-pressure will stop.
Learn to recognize this head-pressure as a sign of the healing process. It is tied to your anxiety right now, so it is hard to focus on. But as your anxiety tapers down, you will be able to feel the weird pressure in your head. It moves around too. From week to week I would notice the buzzing and pressure was in different spots.
The anxiety is definitely the worst. All I could do was obsess over whether or not this was permanent. Now I mainly just feel mild depression.
Once again, exercise. It is a life saver. I promise.
You may have to force yourself, but if you do you will get a NICE vacation from anxiety.
Also, get the fish oil and supplements.
Vit C and tumeric extract are great anti-inflammatory agents.
Piracetam and choline will make you feel normal again. Just remember that it is not permanent. You are still healing and it will take time.
Eat healthy. Lots of protein and fruits/veggies. Very little carbs.
Oh yeah, and exercise.
Good luck Mr. Buddha.
You are going to be OK.
