laughingdead
Bluelighter
I've been together with my significant other for almost 5 years. Our 5 years together haven't been perfect. They've been plagued by violent fights where I almost always have initiated the violence. However, we realized how bad that was for us and I sought help to deal with my violent streak. Occasionally I slip up but I'm much better. We started college together (we are a little older than traditional age) which was our dream to finish college and get our higher ed. degrees and travel the world together. We have most of the same topics and hobbies in common. We have similar political opinions. We are addicted to cuddling one another and when we're together often times we get nothing done because of it. However, we also fight a lot over really stupid things although it's gotten better as we've gotten older. I admit that my jealousy can border on the psychotic although I've also gotten more control of that as well. He isn't perfect but he is much more stable than I am. We have gone back and forth over the years about breaking up but never do.
I know my insecurity and craziness are a plague on the relationship. I am extremely anxious, and get depressed easily and have harbored a heroin addiction for the past year which I am determined to overcome. However, I've slipped up so many times that he started to tell me he's through. Now we are living apart because I got a scholarship to live at school which is 40 minutes from our home. We see each other mostly weekends.
The other day I called him and very calmly told him that I was making the decision to separate because he wouldn't do it and I knew he wanted to but was unsure about it and that I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. He talks often of his freedom and needing to experience more of life. For example I have been with more people than him and had a serious relationship prior to meeting him. I know he is sensitive about this and feels that he would like to have experiences with other women. That is something I totally understand and I have in the past considered an open relationship but he couldn't stand the thought of me with someone else. I never wanted to end the relationship, I just wanted to force him to reveal his feelings and talk more. I thought he would come around like he always does, but he told me that I was right and he has some existential stuff to work out that maybe can only be fixed alone. Honestly, I feel like I couldn't handle it if I knew he were with another woman, and I don't think he realizes how he'll feel if I were to get with another guy. I feel like I had a great thing all these years, and being so young I had found the love of my life early and I didn't need to waste any more years looking. I always thought it was for forever, even when I had my doubts. His family has become my family and my family really likes him a lot.
I understand that he wants to experience more of life without answering to anyone because we are only in our early to mid twenties. However, I don't know that I'll want to get back together with him if he decides to be with other women because I'll feel bad, but at the same time I don't want to be with him for the next twenty years knowing he resents his choice to settle down early and miss out on other experiences. He says that who knows what could happen... that we could get back together next month or in 5 years or never but that we'll always be in each other's lives. I don't know what I am asking. How do you let go when you're not ready? I don't want to stop loving him. I'm the type of person who still thinks regularly about the people she's dated in the past and still cares for them all in my own way. Maybe he's right about using your 20's to experiment and reuniting older and wiser.
I know my insecurity and craziness are a plague on the relationship. I am extremely anxious, and get depressed easily and have harbored a heroin addiction for the past year which I am determined to overcome. However, I've slipped up so many times that he started to tell me he's through. Now we are living apart because I got a scholarship to live at school which is 40 minutes from our home. We see each other mostly weekends.
The other day I called him and very calmly told him that I was making the decision to separate because he wouldn't do it and I knew he wanted to but was unsure about it and that I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. He talks often of his freedom and needing to experience more of life. For example I have been with more people than him and had a serious relationship prior to meeting him. I know he is sensitive about this and feels that he would like to have experiences with other women. That is something I totally understand and I have in the past considered an open relationship but he couldn't stand the thought of me with someone else. I never wanted to end the relationship, I just wanted to force him to reveal his feelings and talk more. I thought he would come around like he always does, but he told me that I was right and he has some existential stuff to work out that maybe can only be fixed alone. Honestly, I feel like I couldn't handle it if I knew he were with another woman, and I don't think he realizes how he'll feel if I were to get with another guy. I feel like I had a great thing all these years, and being so young I had found the love of my life early and I didn't need to waste any more years looking. I always thought it was for forever, even when I had my doubts. His family has become my family and my family really likes him a lot.
I understand that he wants to experience more of life without answering to anyone because we are only in our early to mid twenties. However, I don't know that I'll want to get back together with him if he decides to be with other women because I'll feel bad, but at the same time I don't want to be with him for the next twenty years knowing he resents his choice to settle down early and miss out on other experiences. He says that who knows what could happen... that we could get back together next month or in 5 years or never but that we'll always be in each other's lives. I don't know what I am asking. How do you let go when you're not ready? I don't want to stop loving him. I'm the type of person who still thinks regularly about the people she's dated in the past and still cares for them all in my own way. Maybe he's right about using your 20's to experiment and reuniting older and wiser.
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