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almost 2 months off opiates and im still worthless

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pillman1224

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 8, 2015
Messages
688
yeah it might sound harsh. and idk where this belongs. sober living tds. its pretty dark so i put it here. basically opiates made me productive. i have bad ADD and stopped taking amphetamines in 7th grade cause i hate the side effects i know ill have to get on some ADD meds. be it amphetamines which i already tried and they worked. i just hate the way they make me feel. ill try what the doc gives me.

heres the problem- i cant even do my work (19 in college) without my moms help. ie she is writing something for me rn. because i cant come up with shit. i wished that fucking fent patch i heated the shit out of and restoril i took killed me (i talked to an anesthesiologist and described my symptoms of what happened she said i shouldnt be alive). why am i? i got no purpose. i know that i was self medicating with opiates probably for ADD and other reasons. its the end of the semester and just made the decision to get on something for it but idk what it will be. its good i got rid of my "stash". 2 months no opiates. oh and you can read about that experience i have a thread on it. i was angry when i woke up that morning 13 hours later in bed because1. i was alive 2. i was sober

another thing. im drinking more at night and sticking with my 30mg restoril. and weed. i mean i am lost and have never felt so out of place. i saw a job opportunity that had i been on opiates i would have taken (pharmaceutical/ biological testing) but am cant start till school is done. hell im afraid to apply anywhere out of fear of rejection. had an opportunity to date an awesome girl last semester which i fucked up because she went back with her finance. and the fact i was open about my addiction to chewing fentanyl patches and eating morphine.

im tired of being a loser. i see my friends both have jobs and are either in steady relationships or are running through girls like nothing. i havent kissed a girl since middle school. and my job history is babysitting and dealing. i know i have to fix myself. i am working out which is awesome but am not eating enough. (if i were to eat the amount i should then i would have smoke more weed which i hate doing during the day as i have no appetite). where did i go wrong and dammit why am i alive? that patch should have done its fucking job piece of shit
 
I had a shitty childhood, then I ran away and got some shit together and had some real solid adventure. Now here I am near the end and the whole thing has gone back to shitty. Why? Just because it's life. I truly wish I had some valuable advice for you but I don't. I do wish you well however.
 
Sorry you're having a tough time right now, I can totally relate to feeling like a failure. You're not a failure though - you're in school doing something with your life. You obviously have a decent relationship with you family that your Mom is helping you. You have ADD, it's a disability, not something that you caused but it is something you have to learn to live with, which you will. You're young and are at an overwhelming time in your life - making a lot of big decisions about your future. You're doing the right thing, again school and also quitting opiates. That's huge! I'm certain along with the normal stress that you feel by being the age you are, you are also going through PAWS, protracted withdrawal, from stopping the opiates that will also increase stress, anxiety, depression. Fortunately the PAWS is temporary, so it will get better. Just focus on doing what you need to do right now - school and sobriety. I think working with a therapist can expose you to techniques to better help your ADD, and you should consider seeing one. All in all, you're doing great and need to lighten up on yourself.
 
i started college on opiates and thought i had a career path planned. work my way up the food chain at walgreens starting as a pharm tech. now i dont know what to do. that is what is bothering my the most i make myself worry as well. afraid to even get job because what happens if i fuck up.

edit- if i were to go back to my old ways i know i wont live past 25 and thats a generous guess. esp with fentanyl abuse. so opiates arent an option as i feel me waking up from what i did could have been a second chance idk.
 
Your young man..I didn't get into opiates till later and I couldn't imagine going through that late teen stress and getting clean..don't try to plan your whole life and keep your sobriety..be comfortable not knowing what the hell your gonna do and get sober and try to find who u really want to be..everyone says life is short but it only seems short when you are at the end..u have your whole life and trust me all your friends that seem they have it together are just as lost as you are..grass is always greener

you should be more concerned with the decisions about drugs than anything else..u don't want to have the emotional intelligence of a teenager when your turning 30..u need to be sober so your brain can create healthy stress outlets instead of being numbed out
 
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Cdkman said:
Your young man..I didn't get into opiates till later and I couldn't imagine going through that late teen stress and getting clean..don't try to plan your whole life and keep your sobriety..be comfortable not knowing what the hell your gonna do and get sober and try to find who u really want to be..everyone says life is short but it only seems short when you are at the end..u have your whole life and trust me all your friends that seem they have it together are just as lost as you are..grass is always greener

you should be more concerned with the decisions about drugs than anything else..u don't want to have the emotional intelligence of a teenager when your turning 30..u need to be sober so your brain can create healthy stress outlets instead of being numbed out
Click to expand...

Great post. I had similar thoughts. I agree, don't plan your whole life like that. You only have the present, and future we get to change and be whoever we want to. There's a saying that mentions "hard vases don't break", difficult to translate but by hard vases they mean people with stories like most of ours. From people who think they are going to die earlier because of what they have done, something of the kind.
Try to live and control the things you have now and let the future take its course.
Good luck! :)
 
i didnt plan on living this long is the problem. tbh i want to know why im so afraid of getting a "legit" job. i mean if i can kick opiates w/o rehab. why am i terrified at the idea of getting a real job? i was man enough to kick but not to be a buser or some shit.
 
Have you considered going into army?

I was kind of wussy before I entered army at the age of 19 just after graduating high school equivalent and working as night watchman. Well the army or civilian service is mandatory here for males but I got plenty out of that basic six months boot camp and decided to stay for six more months and after that I thought out that I might as well as stay longer and started as an instructor and went peace keeping corps afterwards.

Army gave me a lot of willpower and as well taught me daily routines and as an instructor I had to teach other the same too which contributed more for my organizing and life skills. Also I learned to respect myself and others and you will eventually get a feeling of fellowship after you have come through some hardhips with your mates.

Idk about army in your area but here there was zero change to be wasted or hangover while on duty so for the whole army time I was sober except for taking some booze during holidays.

It is a cliché to say but I wouldn't be the guy I am (in good and bad) now unless for my time spent in army.
 
They are totally different things, different anxieties IMO. You have been strong to kick opiates but you have to fight it everyday. Staying off opiates is harder than stop doing them for most people. These are emotions that comes with entire process. I believe you need to confront them differently. Emotional balance is not an easy task, why don't you seek for a psychologist. Therapy is excellent to deal with issues like that. When people quit, mood swings, irritability and anxiety is very common and it affects other parts of your life.
 
From my experience from opiate use you will have to replace the addiction with another but by the means of a healthy one. Physical activities helped out a lot once u get through the pain of it u can build positive endorphins
 
Indeed. Exercises somehow get your dopamines back -- it takes a while but you start to feel good for no reason.
Good advice.
 
Erikmen said:
They are totally different things, different anxieties IMO. You have been strong to kick opiates but you have to fight it everyday. Staying off opiates is harder than stop doing them for most people. These are emotions that comes with entire process. I believe you need to confront them differently. Emotional balance is not an easy task, why don't you seek for a psychologist. Therapy is excellent to deal with issues like that. When people quit, mood swings, irritability and anxiety is very common and it affects other parts of your life.
Click to expand...



the exercise thing, i made that decision my 8th day off. and have been working out as much as possible with proper routine. i cant go to any doctor because i will not have the word addiction in my file. and for anyone thinking its cause i wanna use later. no actually i told my mom if im in an accident to tell the docs to use toradol. versed wouldnt be bad either. as of right now i cant lose my benzos. and i can count on one hand the amount of times ive used benzos for a "high" they are for sleep.
 
pillman1224 said:
the exercise thing, i made that decision my 8th day off. and have been working out as much as possible with proper routine. i cant go to any doctor because i will not have the word addiction in my file. and for anyone thinking its cause i wanna use later. no actually i told my mom if im in an accident to tell the docs to use toradol. versed wouldnt be bad either. as of right now i cant lose my benzos. and i can count on one hand the amount of times ive used benzos for a "high" they are for sleep.
Click to expand...

I have found that five hours of unmedicated sleep are much better than 12 hours of benzo sleep. Chronic use of benzos can lead to very negative things in my experience. imho benzos do not cause addiction as they don't manipulate the dopamine pathway. They certanly cause physical dependence.

PAWS LINKS
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome Wiki

Exercise and Brain Neurotransmission
Neurobiology of Exercise
Aerobic Exercise
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. The Endorphin Factory
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. I worked all that out
exercise and sleep

Chemicals and supplements to recover from opiate addiction
Diet & Neurogenesis


it is a powerful thing to keep our thoughts positive and here are some threads many of us use to help us do this.
Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share Something Positive from Your Day vs. It's All Around You
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 4 Infinite Chances in an Amazing World
Daily Personal Affirmations Log Vs IM THE SHIT & NOT a piece a.. not playing me. NOPE
Managing depressive thinking

Here is the mindfulness thread.
Anhedonia MEGA Thread
 
I know about that as well as what you are dealing with. My personal life has been in shambles for 3 years now and I am finally seeing the light at the end. But one thing I realized even in my darkest hours is that we make our own purpose in life, it doesnt come to us.

You have some medical issues. Take care of them first. And dont compare your life to others. Everyone looks better when you only see the outside, not what goes on when they are alone. You are young and despite it all, still seem to want things in life. Just start small and take a risk (other than drugs) once in awhile. You will find your way, but it takes work. In all honesty, in some way, you are lucky. Youve reached a place at 19 that I did 20 years later with less time and opportunity to move forward. But its just one step at a time, just keep on moving.
 
neversickanymore said:
I have found that five hours of unmedicated sleep are much better than 12 hours of benzo sleep. Chronic use of benzos can lead to very negative things in my experience. imho benzos do not cause addiction as they don't manipulate the dopamine pathway. They certanly cause physical dependence.

it is a powerful thing to keep our thoughts positive and here are some threads many of us use to help us do this.
Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share Something Positive from Your Day vs. It's All Around You
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 4 Infinite Chances in an Amazing World
Daily Personal Affirmations Log Vs IM THE SHIT & NOT a piece a.. not playing me. NOPE
Managing depressive thinking

Here is the mindfulness thread.
Anhedonia MEGA Thread
Click to expand...

Very interesting view on benzos in regards to their sleeping effectiveness. I presume this is why we often wake up tired despite of having slept more than 8 hours- due to benzodiazepines action.

Great links as well. They were and are indeed quite helpful.
 
as soon as finals are over im probably gonna try to give my gaba receptors a break. idk what will happen. im noticing that im still tired despite 8 hours sleep. i just have to have something before bed. plus the daytime shakes are getting annoying.

edit- marijuana is used (small amount say .2 at most) during the day. 90% of the time it is so i can put food in my stomach. and at night daily intake is somewhere around .3-.5. if i tell my doctor i need it to eat, im in Delaware btw so we have mmj i just cant go to my doc cause then he will tell my shrink who will then take away my benzos. which as of now i need.
 
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