timetohunt
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 23, 2007
- Messages
- 334
This post will eventually get to requesting some feedback and advice but first a background:
Background: Started using Hydrocodone about 6 years ago when lower back became so
bad that it often put me on all fours. 10 to 30mg would do the trick back then. I was 41 years old
and knew nothing of opiates. Prior to that I was an occasional drinker (although a few problems did arise from that),
and I loved psychedelics when the time was right (very spiritual and fun in usage). I normally research everything
I do, but for some reason avoided researching opiates until too late. Anyway, I found that the opiates were not only
helping with pain but gave me confidence, eliminated anxiety, and made me energetic and productive. No nodding off
for me, I was a dynamo on them. Eg: Wife comes home says "Hey, where did that nice new shed come from", I say "I just
built it, from scrap wood and raw cut trees, up 48 hours straight doing it".......I swear this is not an exaggeration, It really
made me that productive.
So it gave me the two things that I wanted most....no anxiety and being productive.
By this time I was using Oxymorphone (snorting ER and IR Opana), apparently the doctors thought my back
was bad enough to give me something that was way stronger than the Heroin around here. I did use Heroin a few times
when the pills ran out. There were times were I would snort up to 8 20mg Opana ER at a time, not that often cuz the pillls
ran out too fast. I did about a 2 year stint with Suboxone, cuz I used the pills too fast and needed something in between the
pill runs. I crushed my left leg in a freak accident in September of 2010 (a sandstone step gave way), 2 surgeries later more pills came rushing in. By that time I had kicked Suboxone (A long and painful withdrawal), I was chipping with oxy and opana, then the pills for the
leg surgeries got me fully back in. Total addict, the opiate life could no longer sustain itself, more bad than good......so...
for the past 18 months I tried to quit, I would get past 20 days...think I could have a day or two of pleasure and productivity, and
got hooked again and again. I was almost always withdrawing (I was trying hard to kick), was very hard for my wife to witness this.
So finally I eliminated every possible source, actually a few of my sources died (litterally) and doctors found me out so nothing more
from docs. I am like 45 days clean now (longest ever), experiencing PAWS. My stomach is still not right, I have the opiate sneezes that show I am still recovering even in a physical way (some of you might know about the sneezing after you stop). The good thing is I am not waking up in total withdrawal, which is most important thank god. That crap is over. I am beginning to move about and trying to tackle tasks, albeit in a clumsy manner.
Here is my question or situation that I would like commented upon. My anxiety is thru the roof. It literally makes my back and legs hurt, and I get the shakes (Incidentally, as far as major pain, my back is generally doing very well now, and leg is fine too with its titanium plate). Worst of all tho, I can't focus, hard to even read. Its hard to be productive which creates the anxiety cycle. I have been using alcohol to calm my anxiety and get things done. Things which must be done.......or no money.....house doesnt get paid for....things break (like a toilet, like our Well Water system and on and on). These are "must do" things. I do have an occassional benzo, but am very wary of those. I am drinking nearly every day and I know this is not good, but can't help it. The anxiety is worse tho, rock and a hard place. Once in a while the alcohol elimates almost all PAWS, another reason I keep drinking. I am treating this PAWS with Vodka and Beer. Has anyone had a similar experience ? Any and all comments on anything that I have said here are welcome.
Background: Started using Hydrocodone about 6 years ago when lower back became so
bad that it often put me on all fours. 10 to 30mg would do the trick back then. I was 41 years old
and knew nothing of opiates. Prior to that I was an occasional drinker (although a few problems did arise from that),
and I loved psychedelics when the time was right (very spiritual and fun in usage). I normally research everything
I do, but for some reason avoided researching opiates until too late. Anyway, I found that the opiates were not only
helping with pain but gave me confidence, eliminated anxiety, and made me energetic and productive. No nodding off
for me, I was a dynamo on them. Eg: Wife comes home says "Hey, where did that nice new shed come from", I say "I just
built it, from scrap wood and raw cut trees, up 48 hours straight doing it".......I swear this is not an exaggeration, It really
made me that productive.
So it gave me the two things that I wanted most....no anxiety and being productive.
By this time I was using Oxymorphone (snorting ER and IR Opana), apparently the doctors thought my back
was bad enough to give me something that was way stronger than the Heroin around here. I did use Heroin a few times
when the pills ran out. There were times were I would snort up to 8 20mg Opana ER at a time, not that often cuz the pillls
ran out too fast. I did about a 2 year stint with Suboxone, cuz I used the pills too fast and needed something in between the
pill runs. I crushed my left leg in a freak accident in September of 2010 (a sandstone step gave way), 2 surgeries later more pills came rushing in. By that time I had kicked Suboxone (A long and painful withdrawal), I was chipping with oxy and opana, then the pills for the
leg surgeries got me fully back in. Total addict, the opiate life could no longer sustain itself, more bad than good......so...
for the past 18 months I tried to quit, I would get past 20 days...think I could have a day or two of pleasure and productivity, and
got hooked again and again. I was almost always withdrawing (I was trying hard to kick), was very hard for my wife to witness this.
So finally I eliminated every possible source, actually a few of my sources died (litterally) and doctors found me out so nothing more
from docs. I am like 45 days clean now (longest ever), experiencing PAWS. My stomach is still not right, I have the opiate sneezes that show I am still recovering even in a physical way (some of you might know about the sneezing after you stop). The good thing is I am not waking up in total withdrawal, which is most important thank god. That crap is over. I am beginning to move about and trying to tackle tasks, albeit in a clumsy manner.
Here is my question or situation that I would like commented upon. My anxiety is thru the roof. It literally makes my back and legs hurt, and I get the shakes (Incidentally, as far as major pain, my back is generally doing very well now, and leg is fine too with its titanium plate). Worst of all tho, I can't focus, hard to even read. Its hard to be productive which creates the anxiety cycle. I have been using alcohol to calm my anxiety and get things done. Things which must be done.......or no money.....house doesnt get paid for....things break (like a toilet, like our Well Water system and on and on). These are "must do" things. I do have an occassional benzo, but am very wary of those. I am drinking nearly every day and I know this is not good, but can't help it. The anxiety is worse tho, rock and a hard place. Once in a while the alcohol elimates almost all PAWS, another reason I keep drinking. I am treating this PAWS with Vodka and Beer. Has anyone had a similar experience ? Any and all comments on anything that I have said here are welcome.
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