yardbirdrc
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2011
- Messages
- 160
Date: October 26, 2013
Time: 8:30PM - 6:00AM
Drug: AL-LAD (6-allyl-6-nor-LSD)
Dose: 150ug
Like many here I was excited to see AL-LAD make an appearance in the usual circles over the past several months. Given the relative nonexistence of this drug outside of the Shulgin camp's trials published in 1997 and a few lucky laboratory rats at Purdue, there was certainly an allure to the relative rarity of the compound and I felt compelled to acquire it along with some LSZ when this became financially feasible. Admittedly though I had heard of the drug as a cousin of ETH-LAD and PRO-LAD, I did not actually know much about its effects beyond the short snippets available from TiHKAL and the few early reports published here and on Erowid. A TIHKAL snippet makes the claim "one of the best materials ever", and coming from a group of people who have likely taken a wider variety of drugs than we will ever even see this was enough to make me more than excited.
Whew, where to begin. I'll warn you that as this was one of the most profound psychedelic experiences of my life this will likely be a long report, and I will even try to truncate some aspects of it from the version I will keep for myself. Given the general interest in graphing the effects of this new addition to many of our pharmacopoeias I will make an effort to begin with a small summary of generalized effects that were noted divorced from the experience itself. Included in this section will soon be a report from Kyle, my partner in the experience and a person with whom I have taken many psychedelic forays. He's taken a few days getting that together so I'm posting what I have now, given the recent interest in information about this compound.
General Notes:
We both swallowed our dose outright as per the advice of several people on this forum. Our dosing patterns were not identical. I dosed 75ug + 75ug at roughly T+1.5hr, Kyle dropped the whole tab off the bat. Before dropping the second half-tab I had noted a small rise from baseline and a general physical effect roughly the same as a dose of LSD. No visual trailing or really visual anything to speak of at the 90 minute mark, this motivating the second drop. I had heard this should come on quicker than LSD, so this seemed reasonable. The effect had felt relatively stagnated.
Shortly after the entirety of the blotter was consumed I noticed a further rise. It seemed likely this would get into some reasonably strong territory. Kyle commented around this time that the blotter was producing visual effects akin to his experience on 2 Dalai Lama LSD blotters, which was pretty shocking as that was generally cited as the peak of his psychedelic experiences. Over the next hour or so socializing was fine but the setting felt off - people asked us what we were on and of course nobody had heard of it. Most of the people around were psychedelically naive and there was some sense of judgement felt from them. I entered and exited a jacuzzi several times over this period, noting strange fluctuations in physical effect that eventually around the 3.5 hour mark from the original drop escalated into a peak beyond what I was expecting. Leaving the setting seemed necessary and for some time was impossible due to nobody's ability to safely drive. Noted anxiety at this point, diazepam consumed. From 4 to 5 hours visual experience increased dramatically. Trip became more introspective than expected. Anxiety ceased somewhere in this time frame upon returning to safe setting.
Visuals dramatic and unique during the peak. People appeared as cartoons but in a deeper way than with 2C-B. Their body language and voice tonality effected the illustration of their cartoon selves rapidly and dramatically, this being perhaps the most amazing and valuable visual aspect of the experience. I felt like I had laser sight into everybody's true intentions and deepest motivations, this all fully illustrated in the visual field. For example a friend expressed in passing some mundane phrase which hinted at some social discomfort, this fully manifested instantly into a complex web of likely childhood motivations and insecurities which just as quickly transformed her visually into a young, lonely looking girl rather than the grown woman she is. Extreme empathy, deep conversation, social insight, personal insight, the works. Aspects of identity clarified, plans hatched, paths opened, life brought into focus. Global love. No outright pattern overlay like you would see on plain white walls with LSD or 4-subs per se, but significant melting a la LSD and fractal patterning forming rapidly out of ceiling textures somewhat similar to DMT at a near-breakthrough dose. Felt like I could slip into ego death if I wanted to with a little meditation. Physically relatively clean - which is not to say zero bodyload but I felt relatively comfortable and safe despite a few instances of increased heart rate and some general body sparkles / tingles as well as moderate temperature sensitivity leading to things like sweating or mild muscle tremor at some points - all of this very mild and well within the realm of the cleanest LSD I've taken previously. No bends, terrifically smooth comedown. Kept trying to articulate the way that it was distinct from LSD but I found this very difficult. There's a je ne sais qoui about it. I'll do my best to go into that in more detail in the in-depth section of the report but I'm not sure I'll ever capture it.
Overall, one of the finest psychedelics I've ever taken - A+, five stars. Honestly rivals LSD - it's at least as good and maybe even personally preferable although my experience with LSD is certainly much more extensive than with AL-LAD so I can't really say this yet with any certainty. The "wow" effect was just as significant as with any of the classic, beloved heavyweights of the genre. Highest recommendation. Acquire it and consume it.
The Full Experience:
Several significant things converged on the weekend of the trip. Kelly was visiting from out of town with a consulate from her home of the past year or so. The group included her boyfriend and a friend of his who owned the car - both of these folks I was relatively unfamiliar with. Kelly and I are very close, and she was a part of our very tight knit group of friends who were all excited to see her. This was also the last hurrah for Alfred, who would be leaving for Austin, TX the following week. Friday night was spent consuming MDMA and 2C-B at Alfred's going away party in ratios that we've come to deem "Muhammad Ali"s - "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee". Saturday was spent largely recovering and preparing for a halloween party in the evening. I was surprised to find that when I returned from lunch there was an envelope in the mailbox containing the AL-LAD and LSZ I had ordered. Kyle and I were both eager to try the AL-LAD, and although I had suspicions the setting would not be ideal we decided to dose it that evening. The tabs were the only ones that seem to be going around recently, labeled AL-LAD clearly on each blotter so as not to be passed off as different substances. Nice touch. I took 75ug while he took 150, and I brought the remaining half a tab along to the party for a potential redose. Timing worked out weirdly such that I didn't have time to actually cook a dinner for myself or for the guests. We ate some snacky type things from around the house but nobody was particularly well nourished, this became important later on. The location was relatively isolated and required a car to reach, this also became important later on.
When we arrived, Kelly and her boyfriend Zech seemed to have gotten into some mild spat and it was often their style to let these sorts of things fester. I was used to this from their previous visit, and relatively unsurprised from the frequent (pretty much daily) conversations Kelly and I had over the internet while we were both at work. I did my best to avoid the strange vibes emanating out of that situation, and began mingling with people at the party. I was feeling a very mild LSD like effect at this point. As we smoked hookah Kyle remarked that visuals were respectable for him and steadily increasing at that point. Dissatisfied with my current lackluster state and not wanting to waste one of my limited quantity of AL-LAD experiences, I decided to drop the second half around 90 minutes in. I made the mistake of attempting to use bourbon to achieve this task. Yecgh.
Kyle and I were casually discussing the effects of the drug and people began to ask what we had taken. I found myself having to have the following conversation about a half dozen times:
"You guys are tripping? What did you take?"
"AL-LAD."
"What?"
"AL-LAD. It's an LSD analogue."
"A what? I've never heard of it."
"Up until a few months ago it pretty much didn't exist."
"Huh...uhhh..ok."
I don't think that people had a good impression of us ultimately. We didn't know a lot of the people there, and the drug of the evening seemed to be alcohol with some marijuana - both in pretty "responsible" quantities. People were talking about video games and movies primarily. In short, these were good people. Not good as in "good", but good in the sense that they were not wry, unfiltered nihilists who did whatever the hell they pleased like the usual social circle I called home. Good as in "decent". We rolled in on some completely unheard of drugs and our behavior was strange. We were the only ones not wearing halloween costumes, and people seemed to care about it. Not me, my costume was internal.
"What are you supposed to be?"
"Well I'm David Nichols, and my friend Kyle over here is Alexander Shulgin."
"Who?"
"Well you see I invented the drug that we're both currently tripping on, and he was the first to ever try it in humans."
"Huh...uhhh..ok."
I knocked some hookah coals on the carpet accidentally and felt more out of place, unwanted, and like an asshole. I quickly grabbed one of these with my bare fingers and threw it back onto the table so it would not do further damage. A burn slowly developed into a sharp pain which I actually found more intriguing than unpleasant. This was the first sign that I was beginning to trip in earnest. I apologized profusely to the home owners, shared some tips about mending wounded carpets that I had picked up through my own hookah misadventures, and then decided to venture outside for a cigarette. There I found several people preparing to enter the jacuzzi. I smoked a cigarette and decided to join them.
The jacuzzi felt wonderful on the skin. Visuals were beginning mildly in the steam, and Kyle and I were talking at length about how we found the drug to be excellent. I alternated between soaking in the water and sitting on the edge of the tub frequently, and at this point I began feeling very euphoric. I felt that I was approaching a plateau of the experience, and I was remarking to people that everything felt lovely. I did not feel that there was anything that could occur that I would not enjoy, every conceivable thing about existing was excellent. Devin, Zech's friend whose car had brought the visiting party to Pittsburgh came and talked to us in the pool. I felt like we were becoming fast friends, and we talked pretty in depth about life and music and literature and what have you. This conversation took about 15 minutes, but it felt longer and deeper due to the chemical enhancement. Both Kyle and I discussed the drug with him, and when we assured him that it would not appear on a drug screen he expressed interest in trying it although we did not have any on us at the party. Just as well. When we acquired the drug in such limited quantity, Kyle and I had agreed that we would only share it with people who we were sure could appreciate and navigate psychedelics. No slight to Devin but I had no idea what his history was with psychedelic drugs, and a gem as rare as this deserves to go to the best minds that we could find in the field - namely 3 or 4 people including ourselves who we regularly tripped with and who used psychedelics with the correct, most meaningful intentions.
I left the Jacuzzi after about a half hour, which seemed like several hours. I felt pretty fantastic. Light in the body, euphoric, with moderate sensory and visual enhancement. Not overwhelming but certainly engrossing and vivid. Equivalent to perhaps one Mayan Calendar or Dalai Lama tab of clean LSD. I gleefully went upstairs to dry off and change into new clothing. Here I met up with Zech and Kelly who were changing into bathing suits and preparing to enter the jacuzzi. They implored me to join them. I did not want to - after the time I had spent in the jacuzzi I was already feeling flush and I knew that long soaks in hot water could do things to blood pressure. I did not want to play around with my circulation much more. However, after some prompting I felt compelled to re-enter with them, and so we returned downstairs and I entered the tub once more.
The occupants of the tub had changed. Besides Kelly, Zech and myself, Sam had joined as well as an attractive and seemingly interesting girl in an orange bikini. I was turned on by her, but for the third time since my recent psychedelic renaissance I found myself tripping around cute girls in such a way that I was unable to make the proper advances. We talked a bit and I took some opportunities to show wit, but I had a hard time really connecting with her because I was so distracted by everything. It became increasingly evident that Sam was very drunk. She was distracting me from conversation with the orange bikini girl by gesturing at me with her feet. I asked her not to do that but she continued, and I knew that she might kind of be in a bad place. There was a weird sexual tension that developed. Kelly asked me some strange questions. I was sitting very close to Zech because there was not much room left in the tub.
"You want to suck Zech's dick or something?"
"Heh, no man there's just not a lot of room."
"Come on man I thought you wanted try sex with a man." She turned to Zech. "I want to make Joe's dream come true but I don't have a dick of my own."
I started to feel a bit uncomfortable. It's true that in this relatively liberated point in my life I was considering pursuing a homosexual encounter. Zech I had known to be experienced with bisexuality, so the whole situation seemed a little too real and I wasn't able to figure out if this was all in jest or if I was going to find myself in a potentially strange menage a trois situation in the near future. While I knew Kelly well enough to perhaps be comfortable with some kind of sexual contact, Zech and I were not exactly close despite us getting along quite well as friends in our limited interaction, and I was not really sure this was something I wanted to enter into... or even if it was actually being hinted at or just joked about. Compounding things, Sam often gets sexual when drunk and this was no exception. Sam has previously expressed that she had a desire to pursue a lesbian experience with Kelly, and she seemed interested in the strange tension that was developing. It quickly became evident that by this point she was too drunk to be taken seriously, and I actually started to worry about her physical wellbeing. While I was dealing with Sam's antics and realizing that my chance at conversation with orange bikini girl was slipping away, Zech and Kelly were kissing and talking quietly to each other. This made me feel a pang of unexpected jealousy. Realizing what I had just felt cut through me in a strange way, and sent my trip off in several directions at once. They eventually exited, and after I was done interrogating Sam about whether or not she was physically alright, I left the tub as well with Sam clinging after me. I warned her that maybe she should get out of the tub, as they were known to increase the effects of alcohol and it seemed like the warm water was having a negative impact on her sobriety. I made a note to tell Will that he might want to check on her, but I never got to actualize that.
Zech and Kelly had taken the towel, so I spent some time outside air drying and eventually entered the house through the kitchen. I made my way upstairs and found Zech, Kelly and Kyle getting changed and talking. It was around here that things began to escalate very quickly. I changed my underwear into something dry and reapplied my pants and shirt. As I did this I made small talk with Zech and I realized that I was having a hard time forming words. Visually things were getting more intense quickly. I stuffed the towel and wet clothes into my backpack and we decided that we were going to leave soon for a walk down to some scenic overlooks of the city nearby. By the time I got downstairs I began expressing to people that things were getting more intense for me quickly. I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette and after some conversation with Alfred, Jamie and Kyle I broke the news that I was beginning to perhaps enter some challenging territory. I had a strong desire to return to safe territory before I got swept away. Around this time it became evident that Sam was not ok. She had become incomprehensible and was unable to walk. She fell over on the couch in front of me and was speaking gibberish, seemingly both angry and sad and laughing all at the same time. This did not effect my mood positively. As Meg and Will assisted her to the bathroom, there were sounds of screaming and explosions coming from the room behind us. The people at the party had decided to watch a horror movie. Yeah I know, fantastic party right? This place was increasingly not my scene at all. Alfred had been carrying around a small satchel of drugs that he needed to expend before leaving for Texas.
"Alfred, give me a Valium dude."
"Ok yeah dude, are you alright?"
"Things are getting overwhelming. Please give me a Valium dude, I can't handle this place. I'll pay you for it if you want, just please give me the Valium right now." He handed me the pill and I swallowed it.
"Let it sit under your tongue." said Jamie. Fuck, I should've chewed it, what was I thinking!?
"These are 10 right?"
"No, 5 milligrams."
"Dude give me another one, I'm going to chew it."
"Are you sure dude? I took three of these once and it knocked me right out."
"Yeah, I need to be done with this. It's too much and I need to be done."
I chewed the second pill and drank a glass of water.
I needed to escape the situation. It became clear that nobody seemed to want to leave. This was puzzling to me, because it was obviously not any of our vibe. I felt hurt that people I cared about were not paying attention to my increasingly negative mental state and my need to reach a place of peace. Eventually I realized everybody was too drunk to drive. About a half hour after I had requested to be taken somewhere safe, still finding myself in the midst of this terrible and increasingly negative party, I became irate.
"I need to go. I need to go. Somebody please take me home immediately. It's been a half hour or 45 minutes now that we've all stood around here with our thumbs up our asses and I gotta get somewhere safe. I don't know where this is going and things could either get really good or really bad, either way I need you guys to help me out here and keep an eye on me while I ride it out somewhere safe."
"We are trying to go man, it sucks here. We all want to go. We just need a few more minutes to find someone who can drive."
"Dude that's fucking unacceptable. It's been a half hour we've just been doing nothing, what the fuck is going on. I'll go with anybody, in anybody's car. Whatever needs to be done I will do it just get me the fuck out of here and back home."
"It's only been like 10 minutes dude." Jamie looked both ridiculous and horrifying in his botched marionette puppet makeup.
"Fuck you man, just get me home. This is important and nobody is taking me seriously."
Devin and Zech did not want to leave and were beginning to become upset by this turn of events. I stepped outside and found Kyle and Kelly.
"We need to get out of here guys, nobody will take me. I'm losing my mind."
"What's going on man, talk me through it. Is it getting too deep mentally? Is the setting wrong? Are the visuals overwhelming and you're just starting to get nervous about it?"
"All of the above... mostly the latter I guess. I just want to be somewhere safe and dark and warm and with more benzos."
Kelly tried to placate me. "I'm drinking some water and I'm going to eat some pretzels and wait 10 minutes or so and then I can drive us home. Devin doesn't want me driving because he think's I'm drunk even though I've only had a beer and a half, he's just worried because he got that DUI and doesn't want to get in more trouble."
"Dude one and a half beers? You're not drunk man, come on, let's go."
"Just give me 10 minutes man."
I hugged Kyle. He's always such a presence of peace when these things go wrong, and I knew that he would help me through this situation. I felt a little bit ashamed that he was on the same dose and handling it a bit better than me. Eventually Patrick agreed to drive me back in his car, along with the people who lived in Polish Hill. I informed Kelly of this. She had a much easier time convincing Zech and Devin to leave knowing that we would end up in a more social situation than just babysitting me at my house. I felt angered that they weren't being truthful about their real intentions in this situation because we could've saved ten minutes if they had just told me why they didn't want to leave. Or talked to me at all directly in general, for that matter.
We left in a hurry and I worried that other party guests had overheard my irate ramblings and become uncomfortable. Fuck it. We piled into Patrick's car. He had a pencil thin mustache on in a feeble but somehow convincing attempt to appear as John Waters. Meg was wearing a red dress stuffed with pillows and made a pretty convincing Divine, even without a mouth full of dog shit.
During the drive I hugged my backpack and visuals became extreme. Everything began to feel derealized, cartoonesque and dreamlike. Cars left incredible tracers, and as we exited Mount Washington the fantastic view of the city was both amazingly beautiful and somehow macabre. I thanked everybody profusely for rescuing me from the negative vibes. We became momentarily lost downtown and although I was mouth-open awestruck by the visuals in the moving car, each stoplight became a miniature hell. I knew throughout this entire negative time in the trip that everything I was feeling would pass. This came from many hours put in on psychedelics. Every once in a while a rough patch hits hard, but it always passes, and even if it doesn't the drug will eventually leave the system and everything will return to normal. This was a minor comfort, but not enough to keep me calm or happy as it was actually happening. We found ourselves back on Bigelow eventually and I knew we were close to a safe place. People in the car began talking about Sam's behavior at the party and worrying about her wellbeing, but I asked that we not talk about that for a while.
As I exited the car and began walking up the stairs to the house at Polish Hill, I started to feel much better about the situation because I knew there was an end in sight. Visuals were intense once we entered, and as soon as I summited the staircase I was feeling the anxiety leaving me in waves. We entered the living room and found Sarah and Lou hanging out. I began explaining to them that I was tripping extremely hard and that we had left the party early. Alfred put on some happy sounding electronic music and I began moving my body arrhythmically with a blanket draped over my head. I was very quickly feeling much better, and being in a familiar place allowed me to completely turn the trip around back into a positive headspace.
The next several hours were the most meaningful of the experience, and the hours in which I completely fell in love with AL-LAD. Visuals inside the house became absolutely stunning. Minute items in the room were making fast connections to equally minute memories and nebulous feelings. The color scheme of the visual spectrum was generally dark reds and some black - I know this is a subject that has been widely discussed on the forums lately but I'm sorry to say that I didn't get much pink and magenta. I think these colors were influenced by the American flag hanging in the room, which my eyes kept drifting back towards and which gave weird significance to people who were standing and talking in front of it at various points. The red was extremely vivid.
Kelly and Devin entered not long afterwards. Zech had opted to stay in the car because he had smoked too much weed and was feeling anti-social and anxious. This was apparently not an uncommon thing, and in fact had happened the last time they had visited. This upset Kelly somewhat, and Devin was trying to comfort her about it. For a while I stood at the front of the room, bobbing back and fourth with the Penguins blanket over my head like some kind of yinzer Lawrence of Arabia and preaching the good word of AL-LAD. I extolled the virtues of the drug, and several other generally meaningful things that I had been thinking about lately. Soon I sat down and began working myself around the room talking to people, starting with Kelly. I offered her comfort about her troubles and instability with Zech, and I talked to Devin about how I found him to be generally an awesome guy and how I wished to become friends. We both talked to Kelly about how she had some things she needed to deal with. Eventually I got tired of rehashing the same things we had been discussing for months and I decided to be brutally honest about some stuff.
"Dude let me lay some real talk on you. This is all stemming from your craving for appreciation and approval from male figures in your life. You know this as much as I know it, and you need to start taking proactive steps in your life to correct that or you're always going to be feeling this kind of unhappiness and insecurity."
"I know, I know. It's true man but I can't just fix that overnight, I'm working on it."
"Well I'm just saying man, recognize what it is when it manifests itself in your life like this."
I then switched gears to Kyle, who had become relatively tired and was mostly no longer tripping. I talked with him for a while about AL-LAD, about psychedelic drugs in general, and about life. I reassured him that I cared about him like I would care about a brother, something we often said to each other but something that I was especially feeling at that moment. I spent some time talking like this with him because I felt that he was becoming exhausted with the evening and I wanted to kind of keep him in the situation as well as let him know how much I cared about him and how grateful I was that I had him to support me through difficult times, psychedelically induced or otherwise.
Throughout this period I was experiencing the most stunning visual aspect of the drug, which I also mentioned in my abridged notes above. Everybody appeared to be illustrated, and their illustrations were changing vividly with their perceived mood shifts. This allowed me great insight into the people around me in terms of their psychological motivations through the knowledge I had about their lives as a result of being close friends with them. When somebody would speak with me or listen to me speak, I could understand exactly which emotions they were expressing and the underlying experiences that had created their emotions which were in turn creating their thoughts. This then translated directly to their visual representation, affording me great insight into everything that was going on socially. This was similar to something I had prized LSD for. On LSD I've often been able to dissect my own thoughts as they formed from the subconscious through to the realm of emotions and into concrete, expressible thoughts. This was always one of my favorite psychedelic abilities on LSD, and something that truly made me believe in the power of psychedelics when used for psychotherapeutic purposes. I was now essentially experiencing this same thing but for the people around me. There was never a moment where I second guessed the legitimacy of this state, or wondered if it was all in my head. I really was seeing these people painted out for me as they actually were from their deepest fears and desires to the identities they created and projected to the outside world, as if they were more naked than naked itself. I know this because I know these people better than anybody, better than my own family even. The only person I didn't really read deeply was Devin and that's only because I didn't know him very well.
Kelly returned from the kitchen where she had been talking with Devin and I gave her a hug. I care really deeply about her, and as we left the embrace my cold hand brushed her hip by accident and she jumped a bit.
"Look man I don't really know what's going on but I just wanted to make sure everything was ok with you and those guys, and with us and with everything." I said.
"Yeah man, I just get so frustrated sometimes. It's ok though."
"I just really wanted to say man that I want you to know..."
"That I really look cute with my jacket like this?"
Something about this statement struck me hard, and the gears started spinning in my head. I saw through Kelly with intense laser-like focus, seeing how this statement expressed her approach at an emotional defense through humorous deflection, her insecurities about herself, and her desire for male attention and validation - a desire that in recent months I had begun to realize I was in some ways fulfilling for her and feeding into. This had been making me uncomfortable and confused for a couple of months now. We had become so open with each other that at times I was surprised we were able to be so intimately acquainted without breaching the platonic nature of the friendship. We've had conversations that honestly would not be out of place for a couple to have, talking about everything from the day's affairs to how everything played into our desires for our lives as humans. We had shared deep secrets and truths together. I was fine with all of this, and although at times I had questioned whether or not things might be different had Kelly not lived in Indiana... had a variety of things not occurred between her and one of my best friends throughout college... was she not currently in a relationship with somebody else... just in general if circumstances were different... I didn't really want to see Kelly in that light. In some senses I was scared to think that way about her, and in some senses I genuinely was not ready to think about anybody in that way at this point in my life. I was worried on a daily basis that by being there for her as a friend and helping her through her problems, I was in some way playing into a system she had constructed for herself - perhaps even unconsciously - by which she could fill an emotional hole within herself. This statement she made, perhaps mildly flirtatious and strongly betraying of her deep seeded malfunctions with regards to the men in her life, brought all of the above into clear focus. As these thoughts, happening in a hair of a second, manifested themselves into the visual field I was left standing in front of a lonely little girl who ultimately wanted the relationship with her father that she was never really able to achieve. I wanted to hug her, to tell her that everything was alright, to fix what was broken... but I didn't know how. I took a moment and stared intensely into her light blue eyes. I almost never notice people's eye color. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I felt incredible empathy, profound sadness, and a pervading knowledge that I was witnessing one of the most beautiful things I had ever experienced being projected from one of the most beautiful people I had ever known. Something unspoken was communicated in that small moment, I think. I hope. I flashed back into the conversation.
"Er uh, yeah. You do. But I was going to say that I want you to be happy." I stayed transfixed on her eyes as I told her this.
Things ended up taking a dark turn around this point. Devin became pretty upset after he realized he had left his prized rabbit-fur hat at the party in Mt. Washington. I very calmly told him that it was no problem and that if we did not have time that morning to get the hat, then I could certainly mail him the hat and cover the cost of postage. For some reason he did not believe me when I told him this and he became kind of irate about it. Alfred kind of got upset by this and provoked him to further anger until Devin ended up leaving in a huff and the vibe of the room dramatically shifted to anger and confusion. I felt both anger and pity. The anger I felt was not directly at Devin, it was at the concept that people allow themselves to become so perturbed by such trivial things. That people allow themselves to be made petty by material trappings. The pity I felt was that Devin had probably never had a reliable group of friends who could be depended on like we had. This is likely why he didn't believe me when I told him I would get him the hat - the people he has been friends with at home are probably not as dependable.
Devin and Kelly left, with Kelly texting me shortly thereafter to apologize profusely for Devin's behavior. Kyle also texted me.
(2:41 AM) "Fuck Devin man. I thought I liked him at first, but some shit tonight makes me think he's not good people."
(2:42 AM) "Church"
(2:42 AM) "I'm really glad you're in agreement."
I found it very hard to text in anything but one word answers at this point. As my fingers hit the keypad of the smartphone, there was a strange electricity that was felt on my fingertips, and the words and letters were morphing significantly and making it difficult to read.
Now, the next day we worked the whole situation out and we both apologized. It really wasn't that big of a deal in retrospect, but at the time everybody was in such a peaceful place that nobody wanted that kind of energy in the room and we were all very unwelcoming of it.
Sarah and Lou came back home and we all made hot cocoa. We then watched the Kanye West interview on Jimmy Kimmel which I had not really heard of previously. I must say that man is a genius. I remarked that our culture was fortunate to watch a man go exponentially insane in the most beautiful way possible.
I spent the next three hours or so sitting on the couch and talking to Alfred. He was leaving for Texas soon and we really utilized the time to catch up and have some bonding time. I talked in great detail about the revelations I had experienced with regard to Kelly that evening, and we talked about the genuineness of people. We talked about how one's relationship with their parents is extremely important in childhood, and about how that relationship can change over time. Alfred talked about his own father, who he has recently fallen generally out of touch with as they live in different countries. I encouraged him to make efforts at opening up communication, because the fact that he brought it up obviously meant that he cared about it and that he felt regret. Eventually Sarah came down because she could not sleep. She told us that she had received a job offer in Seattle but only had 4 days to decide if she should go. This was causing her grief because she had recently fallen in love for the first time and she did not want to end the relationship over practical reasons. I felt really capable giving my friends advice and taking their advice during this period. We all were extremely open and candid, and compassionate and empathetic for each other. It was truly a wonderful experience to behold as the drug slowly began tapering off over the course of 2 or 3 hours. We all chain smoked cigarettes until the sun came up.
I said goodbye to Kelly and her crew around 9:30 in the morning, made amends with Devin and assured him he would receive his hat, and then caught a ride back to my house with them. I found sleep somewhat difficult even then, and with my eyes closed I noticed intricate geometric patterns and even scenes like cartoonesque people walking down streets talking on cell phones. All of this was well after the drug had worn off seemingly entirely. I took some benadryl and eventually was able to pass out for several hours.
All in all this was probably the most intense psychedelic experience of my life not counting my experiences with ego death on drugs like DMT and Salvia Divinorum, which I sort of consider to be in a separate class entirely. Visually this eclipsed a strong 2C-B trip and mentally this was just as valuable as LSD in similar ways. It looks like the market for this compound is drying up which is disappointing, I hope that some day I will be able to stockpile it. The fragility of the molecule is concerning, but I've been very careful about storing it under relatively airtight and dry conditions in a freezer along with my LSD and LSZ. I hope that everybody who is capable of managing a trip like this gets to experience what AL-LAD has to offer, which is a lot.
It's been 2 days since the experience and I've noticed a marked mood increase and general confidence in myself beyond my already positive and confident nature. I feel that I've come to understand myself and my close friends much better as a result of all of my recent psychedelic experiences, but this one in particular seemed to be the most valuable by far. It feels like everything is clear to me and life just seems beautiful now. I'm not sure how long this feeling will last but I hope it will continue for a while. I have not a worry in the world, and complete confidence that I have finally found my way back into the flow, the Tao, the natural progression, or whatever you wish to call it. I'm not even sure that venturing further with psychedelics is necessary at this point in my life after this experience, but I still have LSZ to try as well as a few other things, and I keep thinking about taking AL-LAD again in a safe environment. We'll see what happens I guess.
Happy trails.
Time: 8:30PM - 6:00AM
Drug: AL-LAD (6-allyl-6-nor-LSD)
Dose: 150ug
Like many here I was excited to see AL-LAD make an appearance in the usual circles over the past several months. Given the relative nonexistence of this drug outside of the Shulgin camp's trials published in 1997 and a few lucky laboratory rats at Purdue, there was certainly an allure to the relative rarity of the compound and I felt compelled to acquire it along with some LSZ when this became financially feasible. Admittedly though I had heard of the drug as a cousin of ETH-LAD and PRO-LAD, I did not actually know much about its effects beyond the short snippets available from TiHKAL and the few early reports published here and on Erowid. A TIHKAL snippet makes the claim "one of the best materials ever", and coming from a group of people who have likely taken a wider variety of drugs than we will ever even see this was enough to make me more than excited.
Whew, where to begin. I'll warn you that as this was one of the most profound psychedelic experiences of my life this will likely be a long report, and I will even try to truncate some aspects of it from the version I will keep for myself. Given the general interest in graphing the effects of this new addition to many of our pharmacopoeias I will make an effort to begin with a small summary of generalized effects that were noted divorced from the experience itself. Included in this section will soon be a report from Kyle, my partner in the experience and a person with whom I have taken many psychedelic forays. He's taken a few days getting that together so I'm posting what I have now, given the recent interest in information about this compound.
General Notes:
We both swallowed our dose outright as per the advice of several people on this forum. Our dosing patterns were not identical. I dosed 75ug + 75ug at roughly T+1.5hr, Kyle dropped the whole tab off the bat. Before dropping the second half-tab I had noted a small rise from baseline and a general physical effect roughly the same as a dose of LSD. No visual trailing or really visual anything to speak of at the 90 minute mark, this motivating the second drop. I had heard this should come on quicker than LSD, so this seemed reasonable. The effect had felt relatively stagnated.
Shortly after the entirety of the blotter was consumed I noticed a further rise. It seemed likely this would get into some reasonably strong territory. Kyle commented around this time that the blotter was producing visual effects akin to his experience on 2 Dalai Lama LSD blotters, which was pretty shocking as that was generally cited as the peak of his psychedelic experiences. Over the next hour or so socializing was fine but the setting felt off - people asked us what we were on and of course nobody had heard of it. Most of the people around were psychedelically naive and there was some sense of judgement felt from them. I entered and exited a jacuzzi several times over this period, noting strange fluctuations in physical effect that eventually around the 3.5 hour mark from the original drop escalated into a peak beyond what I was expecting. Leaving the setting seemed necessary and for some time was impossible due to nobody's ability to safely drive. Noted anxiety at this point, diazepam consumed. From 4 to 5 hours visual experience increased dramatically. Trip became more introspective than expected. Anxiety ceased somewhere in this time frame upon returning to safe setting.
Visuals dramatic and unique during the peak. People appeared as cartoons but in a deeper way than with 2C-B. Their body language and voice tonality effected the illustration of their cartoon selves rapidly and dramatically, this being perhaps the most amazing and valuable visual aspect of the experience. I felt like I had laser sight into everybody's true intentions and deepest motivations, this all fully illustrated in the visual field. For example a friend expressed in passing some mundane phrase which hinted at some social discomfort, this fully manifested instantly into a complex web of likely childhood motivations and insecurities which just as quickly transformed her visually into a young, lonely looking girl rather than the grown woman she is. Extreme empathy, deep conversation, social insight, personal insight, the works. Aspects of identity clarified, plans hatched, paths opened, life brought into focus. Global love. No outright pattern overlay like you would see on plain white walls with LSD or 4-subs per se, but significant melting a la LSD and fractal patterning forming rapidly out of ceiling textures somewhat similar to DMT at a near-breakthrough dose. Felt like I could slip into ego death if I wanted to with a little meditation. Physically relatively clean - which is not to say zero bodyload but I felt relatively comfortable and safe despite a few instances of increased heart rate and some general body sparkles / tingles as well as moderate temperature sensitivity leading to things like sweating or mild muscle tremor at some points - all of this very mild and well within the realm of the cleanest LSD I've taken previously. No bends, terrifically smooth comedown. Kept trying to articulate the way that it was distinct from LSD but I found this very difficult. There's a je ne sais qoui about it. I'll do my best to go into that in more detail in the in-depth section of the report but I'm not sure I'll ever capture it.
Overall, one of the finest psychedelics I've ever taken - A+, five stars. Honestly rivals LSD - it's at least as good and maybe even personally preferable although my experience with LSD is certainly much more extensive than with AL-LAD so I can't really say this yet with any certainty. The "wow" effect was just as significant as with any of the classic, beloved heavyweights of the genre. Highest recommendation. Acquire it and consume it.
The Full Experience:
Several significant things converged on the weekend of the trip. Kelly was visiting from out of town with a consulate from her home of the past year or so. The group included her boyfriend and a friend of his who owned the car - both of these folks I was relatively unfamiliar with. Kelly and I are very close, and she was a part of our very tight knit group of friends who were all excited to see her. This was also the last hurrah for Alfred, who would be leaving for Austin, TX the following week. Friday night was spent consuming MDMA and 2C-B at Alfred's going away party in ratios that we've come to deem "Muhammad Ali"s - "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee". Saturday was spent largely recovering and preparing for a halloween party in the evening. I was surprised to find that when I returned from lunch there was an envelope in the mailbox containing the AL-LAD and LSZ I had ordered. Kyle and I were both eager to try the AL-LAD, and although I had suspicions the setting would not be ideal we decided to dose it that evening. The tabs were the only ones that seem to be going around recently, labeled AL-LAD clearly on each blotter so as not to be passed off as different substances. Nice touch. I took 75ug while he took 150, and I brought the remaining half a tab along to the party for a potential redose. Timing worked out weirdly such that I didn't have time to actually cook a dinner for myself or for the guests. We ate some snacky type things from around the house but nobody was particularly well nourished, this became important later on. The location was relatively isolated and required a car to reach, this also became important later on.
When we arrived, Kelly and her boyfriend Zech seemed to have gotten into some mild spat and it was often their style to let these sorts of things fester. I was used to this from their previous visit, and relatively unsurprised from the frequent (pretty much daily) conversations Kelly and I had over the internet while we were both at work. I did my best to avoid the strange vibes emanating out of that situation, and began mingling with people at the party. I was feeling a very mild LSD like effect at this point. As we smoked hookah Kyle remarked that visuals were respectable for him and steadily increasing at that point. Dissatisfied with my current lackluster state and not wanting to waste one of my limited quantity of AL-LAD experiences, I decided to drop the second half around 90 minutes in. I made the mistake of attempting to use bourbon to achieve this task. Yecgh.
Kyle and I were casually discussing the effects of the drug and people began to ask what we had taken. I found myself having to have the following conversation about a half dozen times:
"You guys are tripping? What did you take?"
"AL-LAD."
"What?"
"AL-LAD. It's an LSD analogue."
"A what? I've never heard of it."
"Up until a few months ago it pretty much didn't exist."
"Huh...uhhh..ok."
I don't think that people had a good impression of us ultimately. We didn't know a lot of the people there, and the drug of the evening seemed to be alcohol with some marijuana - both in pretty "responsible" quantities. People were talking about video games and movies primarily. In short, these were good people. Not good as in "good", but good in the sense that they were not wry, unfiltered nihilists who did whatever the hell they pleased like the usual social circle I called home. Good as in "decent". We rolled in on some completely unheard of drugs and our behavior was strange. We were the only ones not wearing halloween costumes, and people seemed to care about it. Not me, my costume was internal.
"What are you supposed to be?"
"Well I'm David Nichols, and my friend Kyle over here is Alexander Shulgin."
"Who?"
"Well you see I invented the drug that we're both currently tripping on, and he was the first to ever try it in humans."
"Huh...uhhh..ok."
I knocked some hookah coals on the carpet accidentally and felt more out of place, unwanted, and like an asshole. I quickly grabbed one of these with my bare fingers and threw it back onto the table so it would not do further damage. A burn slowly developed into a sharp pain which I actually found more intriguing than unpleasant. This was the first sign that I was beginning to trip in earnest. I apologized profusely to the home owners, shared some tips about mending wounded carpets that I had picked up through my own hookah misadventures, and then decided to venture outside for a cigarette. There I found several people preparing to enter the jacuzzi. I smoked a cigarette and decided to join them.
The jacuzzi felt wonderful on the skin. Visuals were beginning mildly in the steam, and Kyle and I were talking at length about how we found the drug to be excellent. I alternated between soaking in the water and sitting on the edge of the tub frequently, and at this point I began feeling very euphoric. I felt that I was approaching a plateau of the experience, and I was remarking to people that everything felt lovely. I did not feel that there was anything that could occur that I would not enjoy, every conceivable thing about existing was excellent. Devin, Zech's friend whose car had brought the visiting party to Pittsburgh came and talked to us in the pool. I felt like we were becoming fast friends, and we talked pretty in depth about life and music and literature and what have you. This conversation took about 15 minutes, but it felt longer and deeper due to the chemical enhancement. Both Kyle and I discussed the drug with him, and when we assured him that it would not appear on a drug screen he expressed interest in trying it although we did not have any on us at the party. Just as well. When we acquired the drug in such limited quantity, Kyle and I had agreed that we would only share it with people who we were sure could appreciate and navigate psychedelics. No slight to Devin but I had no idea what his history was with psychedelic drugs, and a gem as rare as this deserves to go to the best minds that we could find in the field - namely 3 or 4 people including ourselves who we regularly tripped with and who used psychedelics with the correct, most meaningful intentions.
I left the Jacuzzi after about a half hour, which seemed like several hours. I felt pretty fantastic. Light in the body, euphoric, with moderate sensory and visual enhancement. Not overwhelming but certainly engrossing and vivid. Equivalent to perhaps one Mayan Calendar or Dalai Lama tab of clean LSD. I gleefully went upstairs to dry off and change into new clothing. Here I met up with Zech and Kelly who were changing into bathing suits and preparing to enter the jacuzzi. They implored me to join them. I did not want to - after the time I had spent in the jacuzzi I was already feeling flush and I knew that long soaks in hot water could do things to blood pressure. I did not want to play around with my circulation much more. However, after some prompting I felt compelled to re-enter with them, and so we returned downstairs and I entered the tub once more.
The occupants of the tub had changed. Besides Kelly, Zech and myself, Sam had joined as well as an attractive and seemingly interesting girl in an orange bikini. I was turned on by her, but for the third time since my recent psychedelic renaissance I found myself tripping around cute girls in such a way that I was unable to make the proper advances. We talked a bit and I took some opportunities to show wit, but I had a hard time really connecting with her because I was so distracted by everything. It became increasingly evident that Sam was very drunk. She was distracting me from conversation with the orange bikini girl by gesturing at me with her feet. I asked her not to do that but she continued, and I knew that she might kind of be in a bad place. There was a weird sexual tension that developed. Kelly asked me some strange questions. I was sitting very close to Zech because there was not much room left in the tub.
"You want to suck Zech's dick or something?"
"Heh, no man there's just not a lot of room."
"Come on man I thought you wanted try sex with a man." She turned to Zech. "I want to make Joe's dream come true but I don't have a dick of my own."
I started to feel a bit uncomfortable. It's true that in this relatively liberated point in my life I was considering pursuing a homosexual encounter. Zech I had known to be experienced with bisexuality, so the whole situation seemed a little too real and I wasn't able to figure out if this was all in jest or if I was going to find myself in a potentially strange menage a trois situation in the near future. While I knew Kelly well enough to perhaps be comfortable with some kind of sexual contact, Zech and I were not exactly close despite us getting along quite well as friends in our limited interaction, and I was not really sure this was something I wanted to enter into... or even if it was actually being hinted at or just joked about. Compounding things, Sam often gets sexual when drunk and this was no exception. Sam has previously expressed that she had a desire to pursue a lesbian experience with Kelly, and she seemed interested in the strange tension that was developing. It quickly became evident that by this point she was too drunk to be taken seriously, and I actually started to worry about her physical wellbeing. While I was dealing with Sam's antics and realizing that my chance at conversation with orange bikini girl was slipping away, Zech and Kelly were kissing and talking quietly to each other. This made me feel a pang of unexpected jealousy. Realizing what I had just felt cut through me in a strange way, and sent my trip off in several directions at once. They eventually exited, and after I was done interrogating Sam about whether or not she was physically alright, I left the tub as well with Sam clinging after me. I warned her that maybe she should get out of the tub, as they were known to increase the effects of alcohol and it seemed like the warm water was having a negative impact on her sobriety. I made a note to tell Will that he might want to check on her, but I never got to actualize that.
Zech and Kelly had taken the towel, so I spent some time outside air drying and eventually entered the house through the kitchen. I made my way upstairs and found Zech, Kelly and Kyle getting changed and talking. It was around here that things began to escalate very quickly. I changed my underwear into something dry and reapplied my pants and shirt. As I did this I made small talk with Zech and I realized that I was having a hard time forming words. Visually things were getting more intense quickly. I stuffed the towel and wet clothes into my backpack and we decided that we were going to leave soon for a walk down to some scenic overlooks of the city nearby. By the time I got downstairs I began expressing to people that things were getting more intense for me quickly. I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette and after some conversation with Alfred, Jamie and Kyle I broke the news that I was beginning to perhaps enter some challenging territory. I had a strong desire to return to safe territory before I got swept away. Around this time it became evident that Sam was not ok. She had become incomprehensible and was unable to walk. She fell over on the couch in front of me and was speaking gibberish, seemingly both angry and sad and laughing all at the same time. This did not effect my mood positively. As Meg and Will assisted her to the bathroom, there were sounds of screaming and explosions coming from the room behind us. The people at the party had decided to watch a horror movie. Yeah I know, fantastic party right? This place was increasingly not my scene at all. Alfred had been carrying around a small satchel of drugs that he needed to expend before leaving for Texas.
"Alfred, give me a Valium dude."
"Ok yeah dude, are you alright?"
"Things are getting overwhelming. Please give me a Valium dude, I can't handle this place. I'll pay you for it if you want, just please give me the Valium right now." He handed me the pill and I swallowed it.
"Let it sit under your tongue." said Jamie. Fuck, I should've chewed it, what was I thinking!?
"These are 10 right?"
"No, 5 milligrams."
"Dude give me another one, I'm going to chew it."
"Are you sure dude? I took three of these once and it knocked me right out."
"Yeah, I need to be done with this. It's too much and I need to be done."
I chewed the second pill and drank a glass of water.
I needed to escape the situation. It became clear that nobody seemed to want to leave. This was puzzling to me, because it was obviously not any of our vibe. I felt hurt that people I cared about were not paying attention to my increasingly negative mental state and my need to reach a place of peace. Eventually I realized everybody was too drunk to drive. About a half hour after I had requested to be taken somewhere safe, still finding myself in the midst of this terrible and increasingly negative party, I became irate.
"I need to go. I need to go. Somebody please take me home immediately. It's been a half hour or 45 minutes now that we've all stood around here with our thumbs up our asses and I gotta get somewhere safe. I don't know where this is going and things could either get really good or really bad, either way I need you guys to help me out here and keep an eye on me while I ride it out somewhere safe."
"We are trying to go man, it sucks here. We all want to go. We just need a few more minutes to find someone who can drive."
"Dude that's fucking unacceptable. It's been a half hour we've just been doing nothing, what the fuck is going on. I'll go with anybody, in anybody's car. Whatever needs to be done I will do it just get me the fuck out of here and back home."
"It's only been like 10 minutes dude." Jamie looked both ridiculous and horrifying in his botched marionette puppet makeup.
"Fuck you man, just get me home. This is important and nobody is taking me seriously."
Devin and Zech did not want to leave and were beginning to become upset by this turn of events. I stepped outside and found Kyle and Kelly.
"We need to get out of here guys, nobody will take me. I'm losing my mind."
"What's going on man, talk me through it. Is it getting too deep mentally? Is the setting wrong? Are the visuals overwhelming and you're just starting to get nervous about it?"
"All of the above... mostly the latter I guess. I just want to be somewhere safe and dark and warm and with more benzos."
Kelly tried to placate me. "I'm drinking some water and I'm going to eat some pretzels and wait 10 minutes or so and then I can drive us home. Devin doesn't want me driving because he think's I'm drunk even though I've only had a beer and a half, he's just worried because he got that DUI and doesn't want to get in more trouble."
"Dude one and a half beers? You're not drunk man, come on, let's go."
"Just give me 10 minutes man."
I hugged Kyle. He's always such a presence of peace when these things go wrong, and I knew that he would help me through this situation. I felt a little bit ashamed that he was on the same dose and handling it a bit better than me. Eventually Patrick agreed to drive me back in his car, along with the people who lived in Polish Hill. I informed Kelly of this. She had a much easier time convincing Zech and Devin to leave knowing that we would end up in a more social situation than just babysitting me at my house. I felt angered that they weren't being truthful about their real intentions in this situation because we could've saved ten minutes if they had just told me why they didn't want to leave. Or talked to me at all directly in general, for that matter.
We left in a hurry and I worried that other party guests had overheard my irate ramblings and become uncomfortable. Fuck it. We piled into Patrick's car. He had a pencil thin mustache on in a feeble but somehow convincing attempt to appear as John Waters. Meg was wearing a red dress stuffed with pillows and made a pretty convincing Divine, even without a mouth full of dog shit.
During the drive I hugged my backpack and visuals became extreme. Everything began to feel derealized, cartoonesque and dreamlike. Cars left incredible tracers, and as we exited Mount Washington the fantastic view of the city was both amazingly beautiful and somehow macabre. I thanked everybody profusely for rescuing me from the negative vibes. We became momentarily lost downtown and although I was mouth-open awestruck by the visuals in the moving car, each stoplight became a miniature hell. I knew throughout this entire negative time in the trip that everything I was feeling would pass. This came from many hours put in on psychedelics. Every once in a while a rough patch hits hard, but it always passes, and even if it doesn't the drug will eventually leave the system and everything will return to normal. This was a minor comfort, but not enough to keep me calm or happy as it was actually happening. We found ourselves back on Bigelow eventually and I knew we were close to a safe place. People in the car began talking about Sam's behavior at the party and worrying about her wellbeing, but I asked that we not talk about that for a while.
As I exited the car and began walking up the stairs to the house at Polish Hill, I started to feel much better about the situation because I knew there was an end in sight. Visuals were intense once we entered, and as soon as I summited the staircase I was feeling the anxiety leaving me in waves. We entered the living room and found Sarah and Lou hanging out. I began explaining to them that I was tripping extremely hard and that we had left the party early. Alfred put on some happy sounding electronic music and I began moving my body arrhythmically with a blanket draped over my head. I was very quickly feeling much better, and being in a familiar place allowed me to completely turn the trip around back into a positive headspace.
The next several hours were the most meaningful of the experience, and the hours in which I completely fell in love with AL-LAD. Visuals inside the house became absolutely stunning. Minute items in the room were making fast connections to equally minute memories and nebulous feelings. The color scheme of the visual spectrum was generally dark reds and some black - I know this is a subject that has been widely discussed on the forums lately but I'm sorry to say that I didn't get much pink and magenta. I think these colors were influenced by the American flag hanging in the room, which my eyes kept drifting back towards and which gave weird significance to people who were standing and talking in front of it at various points. The red was extremely vivid.
Kelly and Devin entered not long afterwards. Zech had opted to stay in the car because he had smoked too much weed and was feeling anti-social and anxious. This was apparently not an uncommon thing, and in fact had happened the last time they had visited. This upset Kelly somewhat, and Devin was trying to comfort her about it. For a while I stood at the front of the room, bobbing back and fourth with the Penguins blanket over my head like some kind of yinzer Lawrence of Arabia and preaching the good word of AL-LAD. I extolled the virtues of the drug, and several other generally meaningful things that I had been thinking about lately. Soon I sat down and began working myself around the room talking to people, starting with Kelly. I offered her comfort about her troubles and instability with Zech, and I talked to Devin about how I found him to be generally an awesome guy and how I wished to become friends. We both talked to Kelly about how she had some things she needed to deal with. Eventually I got tired of rehashing the same things we had been discussing for months and I decided to be brutally honest about some stuff.
"Dude let me lay some real talk on you. This is all stemming from your craving for appreciation and approval from male figures in your life. You know this as much as I know it, and you need to start taking proactive steps in your life to correct that or you're always going to be feeling this kind of unhappiness and insecurity."
"I know, I know. It's true man but I can't just fix that overnight, I'm working on it."
"Well I'm just saying man, recognize what it is when it manifests itself in your life like this."
I then switched gears to Kyle, who had become relatively tired and was mostly no longer tripping. I talked with him for a while about AL-LAD, about psychedelic drugs in general, and about life. I reassured him that I cared about him like I would care about a brother, something we often said to each other but something that I was especially feeling at that moment. I spent some time talking like this with him because I felt that he was becoming exhausted with the evening and I wanted to kind of keep him in the situation as well as let him know how much I cared about him and how grateful I was that I had him to support me through difficult times, psychedelically induced or otherwise.
Throughout this period I was experiencing the most stunning visual aspect of the drug, which I also mentioned in my abridged notes above. Everybody appeared to be illustrated, and their illustrations were changing vividly with their perceived mood shifts. This allowed me great insight into the people around me in terms of their psychological motivations through the knowledge I had about their lives as a result of being close friends with them. When somebody would speak with me or listen to me speak, I could understand exactly which emotions they were expressing and the underlying experiences that had created their emotions which were in turn creating their thoughts. This then translated directly to their visual representation, affording me great insight into everything that was going on socially. This was similar to something I had prized LSD for. On LSD I've often been able to dissect my own thoughts as they formed from the subconscious through to the realm of emotions and into concrete, expressible thoughts. This was always one of my favorite psychedelic abilities on LSD, and something that truly made me believe in the power of psychedelics when used for psychotherapeutic purposes. I was now essentially experiencing this same thing but for the people around me. There was never a moment where I second guessed the legitimacy of this state, or wondered if it was all in my head. I really was seeing these people painted out for me as they actually were from their deepest fears and desires to the identities they created and projected to the outside world, as if they were more naked than naked itself. I know this because I know these people better than anybody, better than my own family even. The only person I didn't really read deeply was Devin and that's only because I didn't know him very well.
Kelly returned from the kitchen where she had been talking with Devin and I gave her a hug. I care really deeply about her, and as we left the embrace my cold hand brushed her hip by accident and she jumped a bit.
"Look man I don't really know what's going on but I just wanted to make sure everything was ok with you and those guys, and with us and with everything." I said.
"Yeah man, I just get so frustrated sometimes. It's ok though."
"I just really wanted to say man that I want you to know..."
"That I really look cute with my jacket like this?"
Something about this statement struck me hard, and the gears started spinning in my head. I saw through Kelly with intense laser-like focus, seeing how this statement expressed her approach at an emotional defense through humorous deflection, her insecurities about herself, and her desire for male attention and validation - a desire that in recent months I had begun to realize I was in some ways fulfilling for her and feeding into. This had been making me uncomfortable and confused for a couple of months now. We had become so open with each other that at times I was surprised we were able to be so intimately acquainted without breaching the platonic nature of the friendship. We've had conversations that honestly would not be out of place for a couple to have, talking about everything from the day's affairs to how everything played into our desires for our lives as humans. We had shared deep secrets and truths together. I was fine with all of this, and although at times I had questioned whether or not things might be different had Kelly not lived in Indiana... had a variety of things not occurred between her and one of my best friends throughout college... was she not currently in a relationship with somebody else... just in general if circumstances were different... I didn't really want to see Kelly in that light. In some senses I was scared to think that way about her, and in some senses I genuinely was not ready to think about anybody in that way at this point in my life. I was worried on a daily basis that by being there for her as a friend and helping her through her problems, I was in some way playing into a system she had constructed for herself - perhaps even unconsciously - by which she could fill an emotional hole within herself. This statement she made, perhaps mildly flirtatious and strongly betraying of her deep seeded malfunctions with regards to the men in her life, brought all of the above into clear focus. As these thoughts, happening in a hair of a second, manifested themselves into the visual field I was left standing in front of a lonely little girl who ultimately wanted the relationship with her father that she was never really able to achieve. I wanted to hug her, to tell her that everything was alright, to fix what was broken... but I didn't know how. I took a moment and stared intensely into her light blue eyes. I almost never notice people's eye color. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I felt incredible empathy, profound sadness, and a pervading knowledge that I was witnessing one of the most beautiful things I had ever experienced being projected from one of the most beautiful people I had ever known. Something unspoken was communicated in that small moment, I think. I hope. I flashed back into the conversation.
"Er uh, yeah. You do. But I was going to say that I want you to be happy." I stayed transfixed on her eyes as I told her this.
Things ended up taking a dark turn around this point. Devin became pretty upset after he realized he had left his prized rabbit-fur hat at the party in Mt. Washington. I very calmly told him that it was no problem and that if we did not have time that morning to get the hat, then I could certainly mail him the hat and cover the cost of postage. For some reason he did not believe me when I told him this and he became kind of irate about it. Alfred kind of got upset by this and provoked him to further anger until Devin ended up leaving in a huff and the vibe of the room dramatically shifted to anger and confusion. I felt both anger and pity. The anger I felt was not directly at Devin, it was at the concept that people allow themselves to become so perturbed by such trivial things. That people allow themselves to be made petty by material trappings. The pity I felt was that Devin had probably never had a reliable group of friends who could be depended on like we had. This is likely why he didn't believe me when I told him I would get him the hat - the people he has been friends with at home are probably not as dependable.
Devin and Kelly left, with Kelly texting me shortly thereafter to apologize profusely for Devin's behavior. Kyle also texted me.
(2:41 AM) "Fuck Devin man. I thought I liked him at first, but some shit tonight makes me think he's not good people."
(2:42 AM) "Church"
(2:42 AM) "I'm really glad you're in agreement."
I found it very hard to text in anything but one word answers at this point. As my fingers hit the keypad of the smartphone, there was a strange electricity that was felt on my fingertips, and the words and letters were morphing significantly and making it difficult to read.
Now, the next day we worked the whole situation out and we both apologized. It really wasn't that big of a deal in retrospect, but at the time everybody was in such a peaceful place that nobody wanted that kind of energy in the room and we were all very unwelcoming of it.
Sarah and Lou came back home and we all made hot cocoa. We then watched the Kanye West interview on Jimmy Kimmel which I had not really heard of previously. I must say that man is a genius. I remarked that our culture was fortunate to watch a man go exponentially insane in the most beautiful way possible.
I spent the next three hours or so sitting on the couch and talking to Alfred. He was leaving for Texas soon and we really utilized the time to catch up and have some bonding time. I talked in great detail about the revelations I had experienced with regard to Kelly that evening, and we talked about the genuineness of people. We talked about how one's relationship with their parents is extremely important in childhood, and about how that relationship can change over time. Alfred talked about his own father, who he has recently fallen generally out of touch with as they live in different countries. I encouraged him to make efforts at opening up communication, because the fact that he brought it up obviously meant that he cared about it and that he felt regret. Eventually Sarah came down because she could not sleep. She told us that she had received a job offer in Seattle but only had 4 days to decide if she should go. This was causing her grief because she had recently fallen in love for the first time and she did not want to end the relationship over practical reasons. I felt really capable giving my friends advice and taking their advice during this period. We all were extremely open and candid, and compassionate and empathetic for each other. It was truly a wonderful experience to behold as the drug slowly began tapering off over the course of 2 or 3 hours. We all chain smoked cigarettes until the sun came up.
I said goodbye to Kelly and her crew around 9:30 in the morning, made amends with Devin and assured him he would receive his hat, and then caught a ride back to my house with them. I found sleep somewhat difficult even then, and with my eyes closed I noticed intricate geometric patterns and even scenes like cartoonesque people walking down streets talking on cell phones. All of this was well after the drug had worn off seemingly entirely. I took some benadryl and eventually was able to pass out for several hours.
All in all this was probably the most intense psychedelic experience of my life not counting my experiences with ego death on drugs like DMT and Salvia Divinorum, which I sort of consider to be in a separate class entirely. Visually this eclipsed a strong 2C-B trip and mentally this was just as valuable as LSD in similar ways. It looks like the market for this compound is drying up which is disappointing, I hope that some day I will be able to stockpile it. The fragility of the molecule is concerning, but I've been very careful about storing it under relatively airtight and dry conditions in a freezer along with my LSD and LSZ. I hope that everybody who is capable of managing a trip like this gets to experience what AL-LAD has to offer, which is a lot.
It's been 2 days since the experience and I've noticed a marked mood increase and general confidence in myself beyond my already positive and confident nature. I feel that I've come to understand myself and my close friends much better as a result of all of my recent psychedelic experiences, but this one in particular seemed to be the most valuable by far. It feels like everything is clear to me and life just seems beautiful now. I'm not sure how long this feeling will last but I hope it will continue for a while. I have not a worry in the world, and complete confidence that I have finally found my way back into the flow, the Tao, the natural progression, or whatever you wish to call it. I'm not even sure that venturing further with psychedelics is necessary at this point in my life after this experience, but I still have LSZ to try as well as a few other things, and I keep thinking about taking AL-LAD again in a safe environment. We'll see what happens I guess.
Happy trails.
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